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What am I?
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I often hear other Indian teenagers who’ve grown up in the U.S. their whole lives complain about how they get caught in between two cultures and are never quite sure how to act when scenarios such as dating come up. That’s what they think I mean when I say I feel torn apart between the two major cultures I’ve experienced (Indian and American). However, that’s not really what I mean at all. Since I’ve moved around so much my parents are quite liberal, they aren’t averse to me dating or hanging out with non-Indian friends; things like that are non-issues in my family. Personally, I don’t even understand what I mean when I say I feel torn apart, I just know that I am.
The first two years of my life are possibly the only two years where I don’t remember feeling conflicted (probably because I don’t remember those two years at all =)). But even though I don’t remember them, things from my formative years stuck with me. I was born in India and lived there until I was two, my dad was studying in the US the whole time, I never even met him the first two years of my life. Then, slightly before my dad’s graduation from University, it was decided that my mom and I were to move to America as well. At the age of two the only words I knew in English were “Hey” and “NO”. This worked quite well for me. I lived in a bubble until I was four, my dad was busy with his work, my mom was scrambling to pay off my dad’s college loans. In other words there wasn’t much time for socializing or experiencing the US; I for the most part kept to my room and played with barbies and legos, which I think is one of the reasons I can keep myself occupied without much material even now. Anyways, that all changed when I was four; I was forced into playschool or something of that sort. I felt alienated because unlike everyone else, I didn’t understand a word of anything anyone said; but we know how it is kids are nice when they’re younger. I still remember a “special friend” that was assigned to me who helped me learn English. Apparently it didn’t take me very long. So I can’t really say I experienced much pain and suffering because of that . But when I was 5, a year after I had become accustomed to how things worked in America, my dad got a work opportunity in India. This time it was much harder to accept the move.
At this point I was your typical barney-worshipping, apple jacks-eating, english-speaking, soccer-playing, Michael Jordan-loving American girl. So what was I supposed to think when my parents thrust me into this place where there was no Barney but a pantheon of gods, a place where there were no Apple jacks but other breakfast related items,a place with no soccer team for me to join, a place where I couldn’t see MJ play on TV? Well like everyone else I adapted, but I held certain things very dear to me: I would never let go of my Barney tapes, my brother threw out his MJ jersey about 4 years after he grew out of it, we still ate cereal for breakfast (Even if there were no apple jacks), and therefore my classmates labeled me “The American Girl”. Through the years I gave up more and more of America, it was only natural; but even as I shifted schools in India the name “American Girl” seemed to be stuck with me. I developed this weird mix of accents when I spoke English, although I spoke Indian languages just fine. But that set me apart from everyone else, and I was never really accepted as a local despite being just like everyone else in every other way. 6 years went by like that. And when my parents told me we would be going to Canada then back to India for a few vacation months then the US again, although I was sad that I would be leaving the country I had come to accept as “home”, a sense of relief developed. After all I wouldn’t be “The American Girl” if everyone else was American too.
But when I did reach the west again I had realized something, I wasn’t American at all! A lot more had faded in 6 years than I had expected. However, by this point I had moved a few times, even in India. I had learned to change and adapt as quickly as possible. I developed a flawless American accent within a few days. And there were a bunch of temporary moves during which I didn’t go to school. So I had time to adapt myself to some different customs and behaviors. Yet, when I ended up going to school. I mad many many blunders, I was academically adept. That was fine. But my classmates had different interests, they seemed so much more mature. They were already interested in boys. The culture gap was way too much to bridge within a few weeks, of course I became *sighs* “The girl from India”.
It was at this point I began to develop an interest in Politics, cultural studies, and what made different countries so unique. Because of that, I was much less willing to give up my Indian identity. While it didn’t define me, especially since I had changed since moving back, It was definitely a part of me. I remain very interested in India, its history, and customs. So even though at this point I’ve moved about 5-6 times since I’ve resettled in the states, I’m still “The girl from India”. I’m very nationalistic (to where I’m not sure). I plan to go back to India and try and change things (hopefully with some type of traveling job though); but I’m also a very active member of the community here. Not to mention that if it ever reached a point where I thought I was more needed here, I would try to do something about it. And I oddly identify with Canada as well, because my dad has worked there since I was 8. So, whether I was in India or America, at least 2 months out of my year have been spent there for over half of my life (in a way it’s my only constant). And now that I live in Buffalo, 2/7 days of my week are generally spent in Toronto. So when people ask me what I am, I often feel like responding “I’m InCanadMerican but I’d like to think of myself as a citizen of the world”, instead I say “Oh, I’m Indian, but I’m from all over really.” I know when I go back to India in…10 days I shall once again be “The American Girl”, even though in many ways I’m just as Indian (if not more) as anybody else there. And when I come back to the US, my class mates will ask me “How was your trip back home?”. And I shall just smile and think that “I’m a TCK, what home are they talking about?”.
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July 22nd, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Thanks MsMerising. It’s kinda like that 4 me i don’t really feel like i want to be understood. but there’s a tiny urge to be like evry1 else. but i think thats just a part of high school lol.
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July 23rd, 2008 at 6:14 pm
@ DHITRI
Here, here. But hey, we are not alone. Name a genius who was understood in his/her lifetime
Revered yes, but understood? Nope.
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July 24th, 2008 at 5:54 am
You’re not alone at all in this matter.
I’ve been called ‘the girl from Africa’ because I moved there by my Malaysian friends. I won’t get called the ‘Australian girl’ because too many people are moving to Australia though, lol. But South Africa friends still think I am the ‘Malaysian girl’. What sucks about this is that I am virtually alienated by Malaysians because I can’t speak malay or cantonese, and Africans [or most of them] generally leave me well and truely alone because they just see me as a foreigner.
It’s strange because nobody really asks me where I’m from anymore. They actually ask me which school I come from first. XD
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July 24th, 2008 at 10:47 am
lol @ MISH
Ah, the surreal experience of being alive…gotta love it!
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July 24th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Man the one thing I hate more than anything else is that, whoever we are with and wherever we are at, the local people think we belong somewhere else. But if all the local people everywhere think that way, it basically means we don’t belong at all. Sometimes I just want to ask them, is it so hard to just let me belong without forcing me to commit? I can belong anywhere, but because you tell me I am only allowed to belong to one identity, I would rather be a loner and not belong anywehre.
@Ayako: You are so RIGHT! tat’s why I am so happy that I don’t look like I am pure Chinese lol. I mean I look obviously Asian but I don’t reli have the typical and classic Asian face because I have rather deep-set eyes. and my behaviour and attitude just make me seem even less of a pure Chinese. So i am glad I’ve come to the stage that I can tell others I am from China and they would actually stay suspicious about it because they think I am so different from a typical CHinese lol.
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