Uncle, How do I deal with never feeling a sense of belonging anywhere?
Uncle,
I feel rootless. How do I deal with never feeling a sense of belonging anywhere?
- anonymoustck
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Dear anonymoustck,
It may be important to remember that while we don’t really belong anywhere, in a sense, we do belong everywhere. There’s something in the idea that we’re in permanent flux, that we can swap nationalities or cultures at will and convenience.
Everyone has roots. They can be a part of who we are, one way or another. In my case, I’m ethnically Vietnamese, and that affects me to varying degrees, despite that I’d never lived there. Nevertheless, the culture was passed onto me, and I feel I understand it despite my disconnection from it. It’s never fully mine, but it is a part of me, and so forms a part of me.
There’s no real ending solution to this feeling, except possibly in your own mind. Like the philosophy of half empty vs half full glasses, sometimes it’s best to think in terms of what you’re gaining, rather than what you’re losing. Instead of going to a country and thinking “But I don’t belong here”, see the upside of it. See how you do belong, and keep it with you to add to the plethora of experiences that is your life. Maybe you’ll find it’s better not to belong anywhere, or maybe you’ll find a few cultures you do find a lot in common with, and can associate with.
One way or another, possibly the best fit to belong with is with other TCKs. Despite all our differing experiences, we have this in common. So, ruling out the possibility that we really do get our own island, I think it’s best to just think positively about the life you get, while naturally not forgetting what you pay in return.
Uncle Dan.
Daniel Nguyen-Phuoc
Vietnamese in ethnicity, born in Houston, Texas. Lived in Jakarta, Indonesia for 14 years while going to a British International School to finish with the International Baccalaureate. Survived only two years in the University of Michigan before ending up in Switzerland. Graduated from an international (and that's meant in every word) hospitality college. Interesting life, to be sure. But not the only one.Related Posts
8 Comments to “Uncle, How do I deal with never feeling a sense of belonging anywhere?”
December 22nd, 2007 at 7:53 am
you know, i have to say that even though i never felt at home in my “home” country, i never have had that sort of “rootless” feeling. i don’t know, maybe it is because i have always felt that i don’t necessarily belong anywhere and am completely comfortable with it.
my thing is this, its corny and cheesy, but we ARE from everywhere! i love having conversations with people about customs and/or cultures, and i can then say, well in swaziland, they do it like this, in bots like this, in ethiopia i remember something like this. and for most of us who went to international school, a lot of the time i say stuff like “in norway they do it like this, in ireland like that…” because i have really good friends there. that is one of my favourite things, just knowing about places, knowing about different cultures and peoples. its awesome, not for bragging rights, for real knowledge possible.
i think being tck it is easy to feel “left out” or “different” from those around us. for me, i embrace that. you know what, i AM different, (i mean we ALL are, but i am different in this particular way) and there are thousands of people like me out there, if not millions. i am not going to shy away from who i am because it makes you uncomfortable, i won’t be an ass about it either, but that is me, that is who i am, take me or leave me. once folks realise i am just a nice person, with a bit of a difference, they warm up. if they don’t, hell i didn’t need them!
anywho, the point is, you are tied to something. you are tried to something bigger than one town or one house, you are tied to something bigger than one country, one culture. your roots are inside you and in many different lands, that is what makes you unique. celebrate it, i say!
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December 22nd, 2007 at 9:48 am
Good thoughts and advice here from Dan and Warona.
Everyone has roots, they just don’t know them yet!
Exploring and defining what your roots are is important. We all need a sense of home and cultural roots, and feeling like we belong somewhere.
See, I know many TCKs say they belong anywhere but do we really? Are we really from everywhere?
Cultural open-mindedness doesn’t necessarily make us belong everywhere. I don’t belong in Botswana, but I’m sure I could find a way to relate and I’m open to cultural immersion. (hint to Warona!)
I’m not a sociologist, so I don’t know what are the consequences of having a culture that is no longer a culture but I used to feel like I didn’t belong anywhere — it often happens when you move to a new country and you don’t know anyone, you’re prone to feeling a bit alienated, especially if everyone’s a bit different. Plus, there’s the ‘cultural’ identity confusion.
I think the first step is to know you’re not alone, and there are other people like us.
I have more to add to this topic, but for now I want to share some interesting quotes and advice I saved:
“To transcend rootlessness is to feel at home wherever you are, regardless of environment. Home is reframed to include the world. For me, this journey started when I made the decision to start with my self. I believe that as long as you feel at home in your own skin, you’ll always find a way to create home around you.”
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December 23rd, 2007 at 8:54 am
wow guys…really good advice from all of you
This is the feeling that I’ve been having too, that my identity is a bunch of fragmented peices and some of them belong to some cultures and some to others. This gives me a sense of “fragmented belonging”. Which I guess is what people mean when they say “belong everywhere and nowhere at the same time”.
I like to see myself this way. I have peices of root in many places.
But I do agree that it takes time to figure this out, I mean to acheive this feeling.
It takes also some hard work (at least in my case) because I’ve always looked at the “not belonging” part of my identity towards my “home” culture. For many years I struggled to not “become one of them”, because I thought that if I did, I’d have to loose my “host” culture. It’s that “if I’m Brazilian then I can’t be British”. It’s as if I had been told that I had to choose sides (I’m pretty sure I have, just not in these words).
So I ended up creating my identity in the “not belongings” of my “home” culture.
But of course I have some things that match with the Brazilian culture.
And I think that’s what Uncle Dan’s point was about. If we can just shift from looking at the parts of our identity that don’t belong to a certain culture to looking at the parts of us that DO belong to that culture, we can find that we belong to many cultures.
And yes, that’s what we should celebrate! =) We are truly multicultural people!
One of my new year’s resolutions is to learn to have Queen Warona’s attitude of ” i am not going to shy away from who i am because it makes you uncomfortable, i won’t be an ass about it either, but that is me, that is who i am, take me or leave me. once folks realise i am just a nice person, with a bit of a difference, they warm up. if they don’t, hell i didn’t need them!”
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December 23rd, 2007 at 2:27 pm
It’s a good point of view, yep.
By saying “concentrate on the good bits”, I have to make the point that I don’t mean “ignore the bad bits.” TCKs do this all too often, because they’re always forced to look on the bright side, lest they collapse with the grief of endless goodbyes.
This is really about balance. We’re rootless, it’s true. But while it means we can’t really stick to one place, it also means we’re not tied down. Every attribute of a person is created from its giving and taking.
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January 8th, 2008 at 4:22 am
A great discussion. The way I see it is like this.
Sometimes rootlessness and a feeling of not belonging will take work to get through. We often have the urge to crawl up into a ball and insulate ourselves from the outside world. Doing this will only make the feelings worse.
We have to build bridges into the new culture we find ourselves in. “To have friends we must be a friend.” Use those abilities and gifts that come from being a TCK and be a friend to those around you. The more you do this the more you will feel like you belong and the less you will feel like you dont belong anywhere.
Often we are afraid to make such relationships and friendships but this will only add to the feeling of not belonging anywhere. There are people out there who need your help and input into their lives. Often you will not get a thankyou or recognition but that should not be your motivation. We can all make a difference wherever we are.
Now, sometimes you will need someone you can relate to and be a lot closer to. Forums like this are good, so are websites such as facebook but be aware that on the web, who you talk to may not be the person they say they are so do be careful.
So, I would suggest if you feel you dont have roots, prepare the ground and plant some so the roots will grow and those feelings of being lost will fade (although they may not fully go).
Paul T
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April 9th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
Paul, I think the advice of yours has brought me into a better scope of understanding how a reserved approach to non-TCKs can further you away from the sense of belonging. I am still learning to build friendships and despite my strong efforts to make close bonds with friends, what shies me away from them is the sense of “not understood.”
Understanding does not have to play a factor in friendship as long as you love people for who they are, but when I need help and none of my close ones gets it (and tells me things that further upset me), I get frustrated and want to close up. I just wish that I had not said anything to anyone and this is when I don’t like myself. Sometimes I wish I had grown up in one place and never had to deal with the problems I have. But then on the bright side, I am very glad to have born to my family to have experienced the richness abound at an early age. =)
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April 9th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
“We’re rootless, it’s true. But while it means we can’t really stick to one place, it also means we’re not tied down.” -> I will quote this on my journal. Thank you.
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July 26th, 2008 at 3:08 am
Imagine a hypothetical situation where some terrible thing happens in the country you are living in, and a lot of people have to pack up and leave….for another! There are lots of movies about this, so you can see for yourself the ‘big deal’ this is for many people.
Think of how much easier it will be for TCKs to deal with this situation. :p
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