Tolerance
It’s been a while since I made a post!
Warning: may confuse LOL Just a mumble jumble glob of thoughts coming out of my head.
So I read Uncle Dan’s post about Asian Americans and TCKs and it inspired me to write something.
First of all, I may seem like a hypocrite for writing this so for this reason I am going to admit what I ideas I previously had and what I think of now. Second of all, I have returned to living in China for almost 2 years and the things I experienced here have some influence on me. So here goes…
When I first discovered that I am a TCK I was ecstatic. It was like the clouds have gone and the sun is shining. It literally made everything clearer to me. And then I got all these thoughts that had been built up and began ranting like crazy on the Facebook group. Man did it feel great! The stuff that I said? Oh things like “Americans are stupid”, “Ignorant people are stupid”, “Why are people raised that way?”, “Why is it so hard for them to understand that I am not like them?” etc.
Now, once that’s over, I got to reading the TCK book to find out more about this new discovery.
And once that’s over I started to think about myself…again. With a different point of view. This time a knowledgeable view of who I am and what I like and don’t like.
And then I came to a conclusion: I was not properly informed. If I hadn’t known about this TCK thing I’d probably still be in the dark now, and not as tolerant of issues as I am now. I used to get so worked up when people don’t completely agree with me or when people try to force me to agree with them.
After so many years of fighting I realized all I needed to do was be tolerant. Not to say I was never tolerant, but that I should be tolerant of those that cannot tolerate me. I can tolerate differences but I had a beef with those that think I should be like them or like some sort of stereotype they want to put me in.
It occurred to me I was not as tolerant as I think I am.
What did I do? I now try to make an effort to look beyond the surface and think in their shoes. For example, the Asian American issue. I have either been considered Asian American or a FOB. In very derogatory ways too. Now that I think back, I ask myself is it really anyone’s fault for wanting to be Asian American and is it really anyone’s fault to see an Asian person and immediately think they eat rice and noodle everyday only?
People are not properly informed. In fact they’ve been misinformed. This misinformation has been passed along for so many generations that people are convinced that this misinformation is true. How many people will not actually believe in something that was told by something they believe in? If many people do that then the marketing industry will run out of business :p
So anyways, I realized that I need to think beyond what is said and where they come from. Sure calling me a FOB is just plain wrong but the thing is the person that calls me a FOB only KNOWS that. They don’t know what TCKs are and to them it’s either you’re a FOB or you’re an American. Simple as that, right? That’s all it is, to make things simple. Human beings don’t like complications and we all know that.
Now back to the issue of tolerance. I discovered that tolerance is more than just taking crap from other people. It is to take this crap, chew it, digest it and come up with an explanation for it. Of course many will say, well then why take the crap to begin with and not stand up for yourself. Well, how are you going to stand up for yourself? By fighting back? By demanding that you are not what they think you are and try to convince them you are otherwise? Or by understanding where they are coming from?
I agree that there is no excuse for calling people names or stereotyping them without getting to know them but they are who they are. They choose to not accept the other facts because they are so used to holding on to the misinformation. With these people, no matter how many awareness events you set up or how much force you put on them they will never understand. Does that mean we should call them hopeless?
After all this, what I am trying to say is everything is relative (woohoo Einstein!). There is always cause and effect, like the domino. And one thing we can do to stop it is be that one strong domino that stands up and resist. Resist by tolerating - understand why it happened instead of pointing out the problem.
With that said, I think people tend to get too caught up in the problem to take time to look at the big picture. They are so focused on trying to convey their message that they don’t seem to pay attention on the effectiveness and the way they are solving their problem. They may lose the effectiveness and not know it.
In the end, it takes time for people to understand something. And it definitely will take lots of time.
Cynthia Yang
Born in Taiwan and grew up in Indonesia, Thailand and China. Went to the US for college and have been working between Shanghai and Connecticut ever since. Fluent in Mandarin and English and can understand basic conversation of Thai.Related Posts
8 Comments to “Tolerance”
June 3rd, 2008 at 1:14 am
This is one of the things which I think came hardwired into me, at least I’ve thought so for a while.
The problem is that there always seems to be a good reason for people to do some of the bad things that they do. Or at least, that it can be explained and reasoned.
Though now and then some things are just inexcusable.
I said the same things about how ignorant Americans were, in my opinion, early on.
The thing is that it’s true that a great many Americans are pretty ignorant about the things we’re not. And we’re not up to speed on all the things THEY find to be common knowledge.
But nevertheless, I think our ignorance is, well, less worse.
Like they say, why be tolerant of the intolerant? They’re not going to tolerate you back. As great as an example as you may set, most people will not follow you.
I’m sorry if I sound overwhelmingly cynical, but I spent the last almost-3 years trying to bring people together regardless of nationality. In some cases, I jump for joy. In most cases, I end up indifferent because people will be themselves. And more often than I’d like to be, I’m very disappointed.
There’s the HK roommate who seemed to enjoy meeting people from other cultures so much through our classes and our time together, but last I met him, a bunch of HK people had arrived, and his English was somewhat out of practice because he used it far less than he used to.
There’s the Indian girl who moved to a different floor of the dorms, and likes to use incense. Her mostly-European neighbors complained, because the smell would waft into their rooms. And no one wants to come to an agreement.
The thing is that this is a great ideal. I still try (most of the time) to live my life this way, setting an example. But be ready for disappointments, because people are mostly stubborn and small minded. The interesting quirk of it is that that’s what makes them so interesting.
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June 3rd, 2008 at 2:25 am
It’s best if you can tolerate intolerant people who won’t tolerate anything, but in practice it’s difficult. :p
I think people in this forum have time and again expressed their ‘tolerance fatigue’(yes it’s a pun on ‘donor fatigue’).
Although I agree with Cynthia in principle we need to work out a way to recover from this ‘tolerance fatigue’ to make it easier on ourselves in the future.
I’ve noticed I do recover after some time with regard to things like cultural differences that annoy me, but with individuals, sometimes I just can’t tolerate them anymore and cut them out of my life if they’ve really gone overboard at some point and crossed some lines like making racist comments about Japanese people to my face. Sure they can go on saying it but I’d rather they do it where I’m not in hearing range if you know what I mean.
Any ideas, anyone on what to do to recover quickly from more general ‘tolerance fatigue’?
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June 3rd, 2008 at 2:40 am
Take a break from the high ideal for a while.
This is why it’s nice to know TCKs who you can contact at least from time to time. While you might get some joy out of metaphorically banging heads together, the best way to handle frustration is to depart from it for a while, remind yourself WHY you’re doing it… and then you can get back to it if you like.
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June 3rd, 2008 at 11:24 am
another way to recover quickly from tolerance fatigue is to just ahve a good old fashioned bitching session. what i find is that clears a lot of my negative thoughts out and then brings back to a place of equlibrium because i inevitably start to see the other side even as i poop on whomever i am bitching about.
tolernace, yeah, you gotta love it.
the way i se it is this, everyone is ignorant of something. its not ignorance i hate, it is a person’s approach to that ignorance. if i don’t know something, i must be willing to ask, to make room for information i did not know before. but if i am stubborn and hang on to my ignorance, that is when stuff gets a bit hectic, you know?
i think the americans get more than their fair share of shit for ebing ignorant because a lot of americans are taught that they are the most educated country on the planet and therefore when a lot of them are confronted with things they know nothing about, they still thenk they know more than you. now, you can find people like this EVERYWHERE, but i think the whole “america the greatest country in the world” propoganda makes u.s. americans more susceptible.
i am tolerant, but i cannot be tolerant of people who are blatantly and willingly intolerant. i just can’t. i feel sorry for such folks, i get angry at them sometimes, i know there are a million different reasons for them thinking the way they do, but when someone chooses to live in their little judgemental bubble, i have no time for them.
but you mae a lot of sense cynthia, you mkae a whole lot of sense…
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June 3rd, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Great conversation from everyone! Here are my thoughts…
Intolerance is a sign of insecurity. A secure person has a lot of tolerance.
Tolerance doesn’t mean remaining indifferent in the face of injustice, but showing respect for their rights and humanity, and feeling secure with yourself.
When you’re uncomfortable with yourself, you’re more likely to become intolerant. Being vulnerable and insecure often means you need validation, you will become more frustrated, aggressive, defensive and anxious when people stereotype you.
Intolerance usually comes from a fear of the unknown which causes you to “resist” and fight it.
The solution to intolerance is to first, feel secure with yourself. Then have awareness, familiarity and acceptance of people who are different. Learning how to resolve conflict and improving communication skills helps too.
Cynthia makes a good point: “I think people tend to get too caught up in the problem to take time to look at the big picture. ” That’s very true for most things.
(Great post Cynthia! I really admire you for your outlook and attitude, I think you’ve changed a lot since you first came here.)
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June 3rd, 2008 at 3:54 pm
“america the greatest country in the world” propoganda?
You mean…it’s not true???
I’m from the US so I feel comfortable bashing on them. There are indeed plenty of people with an overdeveloped sense of “national pride.”
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June 6th, 2008 at 6:51 am
Cynthia, I too want to thank you for posting this! I have to agree with many of what other commentators said
Tolerance and ignorance seem to have correlation but more so it is the level of security that matters. I think the TCK from young age is put in uncomfortable situations and thus is more used to uncertainty and the unknown than those who never or barely had that. Don’t you think tolerance can be the by product of having been forced to adjust to uncomfortable changes and be able to accept new upcoming unknowns?
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June 6th, 2008 at 7:46 am
When it comes to the ‘tolerance fatigue’ thing, I have to agree with warona.
When I’m fed up of some intolarant ignorant person, I seek out certain people I know, and I have a good bitching session.
Now, the people I bitch to are specific because I realise I’m a bit mad, and I know I will say something stupid and probably petty, and I know that the people I bitch to about know their stuff, so when I talk to them, and we get into a big debate, pointing out eachothers assumptions and disagreements with opinions, I learn more from my anger.
It’s a good way to explore somewhat unfounded opinions to see if they are any good as well!
I try to be a tolerant person, because I do know that sometimes people are intolerant of something because they fear it because they are ignorant of it.
But when people are purposelly ignorant, or ridiculously intolerant, then I get mad.
I have to agree though, great post. I too have changed quite a few of my opinions since finding TCKid, and it has given me chances to form new ones as well.
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