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This is my life…it isn’t on hold
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Why do I always think that I my life is on hold because I am not married and I am not living in my passport country? These thoughts constantly wander through my head. Just yesterday I asked myself, what is like to be an adult? Well, I am an adult. I am 32 years old. However, sometimes I don’t consider myself an adult because I am not married. Neither am I living a normal life - driving to work…paying the mortgage etc. But, this is my adult life. Why do I correspond adulthood with marriage and living a nomadic life of driving to an office and working there all day? I mean, I was raised overseas. My parents didn’t have the typical job that most parents have. We lived in close proximity to the people we worked with. Then in England, in my mind’s eye life became a lot more normal in terms of how the rest of the world lived. Except this ‘normal living’ wasn’t being done in my own country. We moved to New Zealand too soon for me to view this as my life, as well as travelling too much for me to consider myself a normal child. We would travel halfway across the world to visit relatives instead of driving down the street or over to the next town. Then to move to ‘MY COUNTRY’ (whatever that meant) at the age of 13 was at the time an extremely exciting idea. All the travel and moving I had done up until then had been an adventure. However, unbeknown to me, this move was going to be excruciatingly painful. Why should living in YOUR country be so painful? I was a Kiwi by birth. I spoke English. I looked like a New Zealander. This was a time when I learned that I am who I am because of the people I hang out with, not where I was born. I could have been a Korean who grew up in New Zealand. That wouldn’t make me a Korean if I hung out with New Zealander’s. I was stepping into now that I am on the other side, what I can only call a tunnel. The kind of tunnel where you can’t see anything. This tunnel was pitch black. I didn’t know where I was heading. And whenever I tried to make progress, I would be back where I was originally. On top of that I was a teenager trying to figure out where I fitted into the world. I didn’t fit into this Kiwi world physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally or socially. Socially and mentally were my two key problem areas. Because to add another shadow to my already pitch black tunnel, I was dealing with the long term effects of a head injury. So with all of this in mind, I ask myself why I don’t consider myself an adult until I am married? I guess I still have the little girl inside of me that I am hanging onto. The little girl that had a sweet pain free childhood until she moved to New Zealand. I want that childhood back. I don’t want to consider myself an adult until I am married because my parent’s marriage was so good. I don’t want to be in the middle somewhere because I associate this middle period with sadness. Sadness associated with being rejected as a struggling teenager who didn’t know where she was really from. In my mind my siblings have passed from the childhood to the adult phase very well, solely because they are married. Have they not overcome any childhood traumas because they are married? How can you give of yourself when you yourself are not right? In my mind’s eye, you can’t. But this is not true. They still have issues. Their issues might not be the same as mine, but they are still there. So I ask myself, are my issues irresolvable? Or am I making them a bigger deal than what they really are? I believe that they are a bit of both. Neither of them had a head injury to cope with. I also believe that I dwell on my issues too often. This gives the devil opportunity to attack me more frequently. Living in China has brought me out of my dark tunnel. My life is now more of an open lane through the countryside. I have light; I can see what is going on around me. I am also more at peace with who I am. I can smell the roses! I don’t know where the road is going but it is a much happier road. Sometimes this road leads through a small wood, but I KNOW that there will very shortly be an opening. I like these small woods because not only do they give me a feeling of security, but they force me to trust in God more. So, with what God has done in my life, I can consider myself an adult. And not just an adult, but an accomplished one. Yes, my thoughts are still weird, but I am where God wants me to be. My life is not on hold, I am living it. I am walking down the country lane that God wants me to walk down. Maybe that dark tunnel for those many years was just an overgrown part of the woods. These woods seemed so dark because I wasn’t mature in my walk with God.
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August 30, 2008 | Filed Under
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September 1st, 2008 at 9:52 am
Not married < —-Everything including those evil Walt Disney films convince girls that life hasn’t started until they meet Prince Charming. What we need to realize is that the guys don’t think so - so we are not doing ourselves any favors by being brainwashed in this way.
Living outside our passport country<—-Again people around us make us think so.
I used to do this too long ago.
You’re alive and breathing… so, yes, try to enjoy each day as it comes.
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September 8th, 2008 at 4:13 am
Jane,
I can resonate with a lot of what you said.
“This was a time when I learned that I am who I am because of the people I hang out with, not where I was born. I could have been a Korean who grew up in New Zealand. That wouldn’t make me a Korean if I hung out with New Zealanders.” -> Jane, I am a Korean who’s lived in New Zealand. I know what you mean. Though hanging out with New Zealanders won’t make a Korean from a Korean family completely not Korean but you are shaped by the culture of people you spend time with. The memories you share, the things you do while speaking the language.. all becomes an integral part of the person.
“Why should living in YOUR country be so painful?”
“I didn’t fit into this Kiwi world physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally or socially.”
“The little girl that had a sweet pain free childhood until she moved to New Zealand. I want that childhood back.”
-> You know I wished my unwounded childhood back so much when I had no control over my life and was going through a dark tunnel. I felt isolated, lonely, unappreciated, and all these thoughts that something must be wrong with me tortured me, leaving me empty.
Repatriating to Korea from New Zealand at the age of 14 was one of the most difficult times I’ve had. Had I stayed in Korea longer than I did, I know that would have left me more psychological and emotional trauma.
Moving to the U.S. for high school did not make it any easier though. It was the darkest period. I tried very hard to adapt myself better to the American culture while I felt lost in many cultures and languages that had shaped who I am. This is the time I learned to rely on God. I really believe God was there to watch over me although I did not feel his presence many times. He’s taught me so much. I wish to prevent the pain I went through from others.
Jane, I truly wish that you will find this community a place where you can be yourself. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you.
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September 8th, 2008 at 7:42 am
I resonate with a lot of this:
Just yesterday I asked myself, what is like to be an adult? Well, I am an adult.
I don’t want to consider myself an adult until I am married because my parent’s marriage was so good.
Marriage doesn´t really factor into thing as much as it does with you, maybe because I´m too young to even consider it but the concept of what you are saying mirrors some of my thoughts
For example, I feel like uni is putting my life on hold. It´s not, this is my life.
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October 21st, 2008 at 12:35 pm
This is a great post.
“In my mind my siblings have passed from the childhood to the adult phase very well, solely because they are married. Have they not overcome any childhood traumas because they are married? How can you give of yourself when you yourself are not right? In my mind’s eye, you can’t. But this is not true. They still have issues. Their issues might not be the same as mine, but they are still there. So I ask myself, are my issues irresolvable? Or am I making them a bigger deal than what they really are? ”
I definitely agree. When you get married, you bring all your unresolved emotional baggage too. Fortunately, these issues of unresolved grief are resolvable, I’ve seen many TCKs go overcome this and now able to live their lives, so don’t lose hope. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your story Jane.
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October 27th, 2008 (4 weeks ago) at 10:36 pm
One word: Limbo.
The curse of the TCK. Once you’re in it, you can never get out.
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October 28th, 2008 (4 weeks ago) at 11:37 am
Well, I’ve been very happily married for almost 8 years now, and I still wonder what it will be like to grow up. :-b
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October 29th, 2008 (4 weeks ago) at 8:41 am
Exactly.
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