The Nomadic Diaries: Leaving Sedantary Behind
The Nomadic Diaries 3: Leaving Sedantary Behind.
Warning: This topic touches topics such as self harm, depression, and suicide. Do not read if it may affect you negatively.
A few years back, I had the opportunity to participate in a “help-eachother” group activity for teens. It’s a bit like AA for adults where you sit in a circle and turn by turn stand up and say “Hi! My name is blabla and I am an alcoholic”. The main difference is probably that in that group teens would get help with any problem and not just alcohol abuse. People paid to join this group and would work on self-esteem, cutting, depression, parental abuse, etc, etc.
In the beggining, I went there just because my friend made me… but that is besides the point. One of the exercises there was to stand up in front of a small group who was yelling at you “WHO ARE YOU?!? WHAT DO YOU WANT?!??” until you could come up with an answer made up of qualifying words such as “smart”, “sexy”, “beautiful”, “leader”, etc. Most people took about 30 seconds to a minute to answer. It took me over an hour. In the end, I just chose to lie and copy other peoples’ answers because I had no clue how to respond myself while the question in itself made me want to run and hide. Don’t get me wrong, I can stand up in front of a public crowd and give presentations with ease… that is as long as the presentation in question does not talk about me.
Now, after so much, I know the answer and most of the whys behind it. Without noticing, I began to scream it out loud. Now, I want to write it down and post it for all to see in order to reaffirm and, mainly, demonstrate to myself that I can be who I am and want to be no matter what anyone says. So, please bear with me.
1. I am strong and independent.
Perhaps I am not the strongest physically (I have been out of shape since I moved into the states) but I am so in my courage, willpower and morality. A survivor of either Hiroshima or Nagasaki (can’t remember which) once said that there are two types of courage: “the courage to die and the courage to live” when recounting how her sister pushed herself in front of an incoming train in order to end the emotional and physical suffering the a-bomb caused. The survivor herself said that she tried to do the same after her last surviving family member left her but did not have the courage her sister had. She could not come up with enough willpower to kill herself (trust me, it takes a lot of courage and willpower); in stead, she had the courage to survive and go on telling her tale even though the explosion burned and deformed her body and even though she was alone. I cannot say that I had endured something so big but I did attempt suicide multiple times; I stood in the same boat of choices: live or die. No one came to stop me or save me; each time it was I who chose to live (after not having the guts to kill myself). In the end it was I who pulled myself out of the viscious (spelling?) depression I was stuck in; it was I who stopped my addictions to self harm and nicotine; I did it on my own. Barely anyone knew about what I was going through; those who did were my parents and they criticized me about being weak and would not see that the problem was serious. Thus, no one was there to help me but myself to pull me back up on my feet. Even now, it is my willpower that holds me from succumbing to cravings for smokes and to hold my head high no matter what comes my way.
I have survived a childhood full of bullying and abuse coming from a sibling; I have survived multiple integrations without proper guidance or support; I have survived 2 months in a hospital with a deadly disease; I have survived depression, suicide, poverty, and loneliness all by myself. This made me strong and independent.
2. I am intelligent and resourcefull.
I know 4 languages quasi-fluently each; I am a pre-med; I can adapt to changes; I can take on a heavy workload and succseed (sp?). If one way doesnt work, I always find another to achieve what I want.
3. I am an environmentalist and a humanist.
I care about the world I live in and do everything in my power to help; I have spent the past 5 years volunteering every week and sometimes as much as 20 hours a week on top of everything else I had to do. I live to help and enjoy it more than most other things in life.
4. I am a nomad.
I tried living a sedentary life back when I wanted to be “normal”, like everybody else. It turned out to be an attempt at living a lie. I enjoy moving and had done so 20-30 times already (its hard to get the exact number; and it varies anyways depending on what moving is defined to be). Each time rejuvenates me and gives me comfort while the thought of permanently settling down scares me. I was 3 when I moved on my own for the first time (my parents sent me to live withmy grandmother); I’m not sure when was the first time I moved with my family. I am not a nomad because I chose to become one; I am a nomad because that is what I was raised to be and I cherish that above any single location in the world and even any relationship.
In the end, I am who I am not because I followed some idol (did anyone else have to write a short essay about someone you idolize in elementary? I think I failed at it too), but because I try to make the best out of what life deals at me.
By the way, if anyone else would like to repeat this exercise, Id like to hear your list of identites.
PS: please correct my grammatical and spelling errors… I want to improve my English.
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6 Comments to “The Nomadic Diaries: Leaving Sedantary Behind”
July 9th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Thanks for sharing this with us.
This reminds me of an exercise I did with Brice once. It was about how TCKs and non-TCKs tended to list different kinds of attributes when describing themselves.
It was typical for non-TCKs for example to mention their passport country as part of their identity, but predictably, TCKs didn’t mention this. Instead they listed attributes like you did.
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July 9th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
That’s interesting… Was that on tckid?
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July 9th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
I enjoyed reading what you wrote, and could relate to quite a bit of it.
Repeating your excercise…
1. I am an Eritrean
Despite living in so many places, and being an American citizen, I am Eritrean by blood. Both my parents immigrated to the states during the war. So I take pride in my heritage, and in my country. However, it isn’t the only home I have.
2. I am independent
I dislike the idea of relying on anyone, even my parents. I tend to prefer to do things solo, that way if something goes wrong there is no one to blame but myself.
3. I am a traveler
I love culture. Period. All kinds. I love nature. I love people. I’m a natural adapter, I can pick up on languages quickly and tend to change to fit into the people I’m surrounded by (unintentionally of course). I love challenges. I love the smell of cigarettes and coffee when you walk into a cafe just outside an airport. I love sitting next to a person on a plane and spiking up a conversation about the most random things. I love the culture-shock I get upon returning to the states (my brother said to me when we got here this summer, “I forgot the people were so large here!”). ‘Tis sadly very true.
4. I am an environmentalist and humanist.
Since I survived the Tsunami in Phuket, Thailand at 14 I’ve always known what I wanted to do with my life. That was to do public health, and to in essence make this world a better place. I think what being a third-world kid does to some of us is it wakes you up to the true hell in this world… and having witnessed it so vividly, I could never go about life doing nothing about it.
5. I am a “musiquarian”.
Kaysha, an artist in Southern Africa coined up the word. It is used to describe someone who loves many different kinds of music. A part of that in me comes from being exposed to many different cultures. I listen to everything from alternative rock to zouk. I’m a musician as well, have been playing the piano for 7 years and I sing in Choir. So music is a large part of who I am.
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July 9th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Now that I live in America and claim I am “Ethnic” I am considered in denial or a BS’er because all of a sudden I am seen as “white”, not “Ethnic” or “Croatian” or a “wog”. Crossing the color line has really done my head in, by the way…it’s bizarre to be considered “white” all of a sudden because growing up I was outcast because of my parents lineage. But here are my “personal tags” lol
1). I am “Ethnic”
Being called “Ethnic” growing up was a signal I was not a “real Australian”. Now I claim the title with pride because realistically, how many Australian-born, Croatians you know who have lived in 4 countries???
2). I am eccentric
I have a HUGE personality that stands out wherever I go.
3). I am a humanist
I care about the plight of people currently and throughout history. White people call me “radical”. African-Americans call me a “wannabe” or are usually curious/offended for my passion for world history (because some of my heroes are Black???). I am just enamored by history & sociology and injustice makes my blood boil…can I be like this and be respected for my views?
4). I am an audiophile
I am obsessed with recorded music - specifically “rare groove” music.
5). I am a blessed child
Because I know the Goddess smiles and appreciates my lover for life
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July 9th, 2008 at 8:34 pm
Selam,
1. That’s cool… Though I feel ignorant because I done know anything about Eritrea besides its geographic location. I use to go by my Ethnicity as well though you cannot really pin either Cossacks or Tatars on a map anymore since the groups are pretty much extinct (thank Stalin for that).
5. Oooh I’m a musiquarian too!
MsMerising,
3. Well, I definitively respect your views and I would even if were not a humanist myself Though I cannot speak for the grand majority of humankind.
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July 10th, 2008 at 2:56 am
The Nomad, I had an experience similar to that when I was doing theater camp during the summer before my freshman year of high school. I was in the US then, and one of the questions asked to the group was “what are some of your family traditions?” everyone answered the question and I said “we don’t have any.” Now, the counselor just WOULD NOT take this for an answer and kept asking me over and over to name a family tradition and I kept telling him we didn’t have any. Eventually, I just made something really lame up (we go to church on Christmas, which was not a tradition because it was no different from any other week, and going to church is not a family tradition…) because I was so embarrassed and angry that he wouldn’t just let it go. As for your exercise, which I really like, I’ll say I’m
1. strong. I always have had my own ideas about everything, and been able to do what I wanted, even if went against what was “popular” or “cool”.
2. a feminist. Feminism is (and a lot of people seem to be completely unaware of this for some reason) the belief that men and women deserve social, political, and economic equality and the movement surrounding this belief. Feminism goes with humanism the way rice goes with beans, but it’s important to acknowledge the distinction because while humanism is in favor of the rights of all humans, feminism acknowledges that women are subject to sexism in all societies (that I know of anyway), and that we are not even remotely on an equal playing field.
3. A musician. Music has always been a part of my life as long as I can remember. I started playing the piano at a young age, took a reallllllly long hiatus, and then started up again. I play the trombone, and I sing, and my ipod is currently broken, which is making me wanna injure myself, because not having music is like not having blood running through my veins.
4. courageous. I like to think that I’m not afraid of anything. I mean, I get nervous about things some of the time, but there’s not much that scares me. Time spent scared is time wasted, I think. I also am confident in facing things by myself because I know I can’t rely on anyone. You come into this world alone, and you die alone. Friends are important, and I really appreciate mine, but at the end of the day, you’re alone, aren’t you?
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