The Fetal Diaries #28: I don’t know what I want.

Posted by kristine on May 22nd, 2008 | Categorized as Blog | 174 views and 3 Comments

Warning: Overloaded with ranting and multiple supposed-to-be-rhetorical questions designed to let kristine feel somewhat better, although if you can stand the excessive crap, and pick out the cries for help, please do answer the questions.

Wow, i’m in bed and i couldn’t sleep. Anyways, you know how when you’re a multitasker, and when you wanna forget about something, you can’t. Cause even if you try to distract your brain with homework, your brain does the velocity and acceleration problems AND thinks about the thing you wanna forget. And if you tried watching tv, you can’t help but relate to it and therefore, your mind wanders off into that situation you wanna forget about. And when you try to go on msn, the person you wanna forget about for that time is online and you just can’t bring yourself to block him or her. And when you decide to play around with your cell, you either end up tiring yourself out txting something like this on tckid for the next 10 mins or so, or you end up txting people and bugging them in the middle of the night because you feel helpless. And then you try listening to music, put it on shuffle, but somehow, always ends up with songs that you don’t wanna hear cause it reminds you of your problems. Yes, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, kristine is an uber HUGE wreck right now. The one txting this has a scorching hot thinking engine. Kristine is in a coma somewhere, i reckon. Cause her brain seems to be kinda.. Dysfunctional. Somehow, even after i get all the material things teenagers want, i’m still so unsatisfied. I still.. want something more than a frgn hollister skinny jean that fits me like a glove, more than a new cell, more than the compliments.. Maybe i’m so used to all that that i miss the one thing i don’t get. That one thing that’s been bugging me for ages, causing me to go on that downward spiral AGAIN for the second time this month alone. I mean, seriously, why am i down that road again? Why aerosmith? (i’m listening to some old school songs, like i don’t wanna miss a thing). And issit just me, or does my cell refuse to show what i’m typing? Am i typing too fast? Oh there, it’s working well now. Anyways, gods, i’m such an idiot. Why am i going in this direction again? Why am i looking for something more than free slurpees from friends? Why am i being so picky? Why am i wishing for this friend to suddenly get me out of here, and bring me to calgary and relive that disastrous-turned-amazing day that last spring break? That one day, that somehow became one of the most touching and unforgettable days i’ve ever experienced while in calgary? And during a visit too, and not during the time i lived there. Why does this one person have to make me think this way, feel this way? Why am i acting so stupid when i know i can’t do anything about it? Ugh, it sucks. I mean, my whole life, i’ve had everything. From amazing residences, to vacations to the other side of the world. Compared to other kids, that would take their whole lives to get, and they have to work for it, while i, at 16, had all that even before this age, without even having to ask. Maybe i’m just so used to getting the material things that i’m looking for something deeper and once i got the taste of it one spring day, i couldn’t forget about it.

I feel like crap.

Does anyone know how to get selective amnesia?

Dammit. I hate this. And i think ima collapse into sleep.

Rant over. Pc’n.

Born in the Philippines, then lived in Abu Dhabi, UAE for almost 4 years. Immigrated to Calgary, Canada (one of the most, if not THE most diverse city in Canada), but lives even farther north now (where it seems to be the opposite of Calgary).