TCKs & Marriages
Before I launch into my little spiel, here’s the quick background story: I’m a 24 year old South Indian female. My parents have started bringing up the whole “marriage” topic. No, not because they want to see me married tomorrow, but because they know that if I don’t find the right guy NOW I won’t be ready to marry him in a few years from now. Ideally they would like to see me married *atleast* by the time I turn 26. If I have just two years to potentially find someone to share the rest of my life with… well, that’s a pretty big task! I’ve been in two serious relationships (one with an Indian guy, and one with a Puerto-Rican/American guy). Both were great in their own ways.
At this point though, my parents constant blabbing about me finding “The One” has made me question my expectations of my future husband. I’m not the dreamy type (I used to be) and so I don’t have unrealistically romantic fairytale-ish visions of this guy. From my parents point of view, they want him to be South Indian Tamil, Hindu, from a respectable family, with a good job/career, solid dependable personality, etc. From my point of view… I want all the typical things I would assume most females in my position would want: an educated, well-earning, sweet, intelligent, charismatic, funny, strong, and trustworthy “mate” to spend the rest of my life with. I mean, there is nothing unusual about wanting all that.
But lately, I’ve been thinking beyond these typically idealistic characteristics… and asking myself, “Wouldn’t it be perfect if my husband is a TCK, just like myself? If he has traveled the world, lives out of his suitcase, speaks a few different languages, juggles a few different cultures, one foot here and the other foot there, half here half there, everywhere & nowhere? He would understand my quirky TCK-eccentricities without me even having to explain them! And he would struggle with the where-are-you-from question just as much as me. He would be ready to drop everything we have at one place and move to another without any too much of a fuss, because, like me, he would have done it all his life! He wouldn’t question why I hold an Indian passport, but speak with an American accent, even though I was brought up in Indonesia almost all my life. Because he would have a story just like mine, if not more convoluted and multi-layered and eye-opening. He would GET ME. Like nobody else can really get me. It would take another TCK to understand me on this level, wouldn’t it? Would a non-TCK understand my lifestyle? Would a non-TCK support me in my moments of floating around in a highly confusing TCK bubble? Would a non-TCK be able to adapt to the ever-changing dynamics of my surroundings and exposures? Wouldn’t it all just be so much better, so much easier with a TCK? Wouldn’t we have the best connection, ever? We wouldn’t ever have to explain our TCKness to each other… because, well, we would just GET IT.”
How much of those thoughts jumping around in my head are even true? I thought I would pose this question to you all out there: Is it important (or significant) for TCKs to marry other TCKs? Does it give the connection an extra ‘oomph’? Quicker bonding? Similar foundations? Instant connection? Or is it that not necessarily true? Of course I understand that the very basic connection between two individuals is *not* limited to nationalities or religions or cultural backgrounds/exposures, but putting all that aside, if two TCKs married each other, would it be easier for them to have a good married life together than if a TCK married a non-TCK?
I understand my question can only really be answered with personal experiences (because ultimately it all depends on the two people involved and how their basic innate personalities mesh together) but I’m sure we all have opinions on it. What do you guys think? If there are any married TCKs out there, I would really like to hear your thoughts. Am I just being too naive and idealistic, hoping & wishing for a TCK husband because I think it will smooth things out from the very beginning?
February 15th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
I am married to a non-TCK, who is very TCK-like in his own funny, weird way. He lived in New Orleans 10 years, and Houston 10 years. During that time, he toured Europe (High school) with the All-American Marching Band, and spent 1 year (sr high school) at boarding school (Interlochen, MI) on a musical scholorship. He then served with the Navy for 4 years (active).
For us, it all seemed to work until it came down to certain basics (which Paulette touches on). One was religion - we did not share the same beliefs; I grew up with the “eastern” mindset, he with the “western”. Another was pets (he hated cats and I hated dogs). I think the one that got me in the most trouble was realizing that in marrying him, I also married into his family (how I wish I had learned about this sooner) and into all their hang-ups/quirks/issues.
No details needed - but, it took years before we got things worked out so we could congregate and enjoy each other (family reunions).
Over the years, we have had some major obstacle courses to work around/over but in the end, our marriage has come out much stronger for all the struggles!
As for stability - I wanted to stay in one place only AFTER my child was born. Suddenly I wanted her to have what I had never known…a place with the same friends, same neighborhood, etc. And she has most of the same “good” friends since pre-K. Now…I have also taken her overseas and let her have a good taste of life outside the US (all with my hubby’s OK) and I think that has really done wonders in keeping her open-minded about life.
Wow - said a lot of words there!
Margie
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February 15th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
The whole comment about wanting to have what your child had not had is a good one because I envey my husband at times for having the close friends who are always near by but when i have kids i will mostly likely travel with them and show them the world. I know that being a TCK is a great thing but it also would have been nice staying one place. As for the pets his fmaily had pets but we are not to into having pets becuase it is hard to travel when you have them. The most important thing is to find someone who respects where you come from and accepts that you will want to do some traveling.
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February 17th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Marrying yourself first sounds like a good idea!
But I don’t know about those “non-negotiables”.
What’s important to you today, isn’t necessarily important tomorrow.
What if your non-negotiables are immature?
Let’s say you can’t live with someone who hates cats (ahem..), in the end, does that really matter?
Isn’t a relationship based on how well you’re able to overcome obstacles and work on yourself?
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February 17th, 2008 at 4:50 pm
Brice,
You make some good points. Non-negotiable typically involved those ting that are directly connected to our core values — integrity, honesty, commitment, fidelity, loyalty, etc. See http://www.stevepavlina.com/articles/list-of-values.htm for a comprehensive list.
Though I would venture to say that there might be someone out there that can’t live someone who hates cats, this would probably not be coming from a values place, and might more appropriately be placed in the need category.
In reference to your question regarding “non-negotiables” potentially being immature — this is always possible. I would like to put this question out to the group — “What do you think the outcome would be if someone has ‘immature non-negotiables’ included in their list of requirements for a relationship?”
In response to your question: “Isn’t a relationship based on how well you’re able to overcome obstacles and work on yourself?”
Couldn’t agree more! Hence, “marry yourself first.” The more we know about ourselves, the better we are able to make relationship decisions involving making decisions about a life partner.
Paulette
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February 17th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
“In my opinion, a TCK or non-TCK marriage is non-issue, it’s all about what are you willing to compromise, the non-negotiables and the expectations you both have.”
Brice has said it very well. Regardless of how we grow up, don’t forget that we are all people, and people have feelings, personalities, wants, needs, fears, dislikes etc. Being a TCK is only one part of a person. You may or may not have a successful marriage with a TCK or a non-TCK but you will always have to deal with certain differences.
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February 26th, 2008 at 8:51 am
Hiya Sindhu,
I totally feel where you are coming from.
To give you a little backgroud about myself - I am also a 24 year old female. I am from a mixed family but to stick me in a box, I’m black. To make things more complicated I was rasied Hindu. And to add in some spice I’ve lived what the “professinal” would call a somewhat priviledged lifestyle I guess- living abroad, company clubs, private schools, advanced education, and etc.
All my life I’ve moved freely over boundaries -real and imaginary. Now when it comes to marriage I am begining to feel trapped - restricted by my race, religion, and social class. I am beginning to wonder who am I going to marry???
When it comes to marriage, I want someone to accept all of me. Referring to paulettebethel’s post that is my #1 requiremnt. If I have to continually seperate myself into fractions of a person I will be unhappy in my marriage.
I’ve dated lots of non-TCK’s and this is an issue that seemsto come up agian and again and it’s always in regard to either my religion, my race, or my social class. It’s usually a “two out-of-three scenario”. I’ve dated guys who wouldn’t accept my religion, other’s who accepted my religion but would never consider marrying some one of my race, and then again there were those who said that, to quote, I “just wasn’t black enough” to click on that level. Sigh, so what’s a “patch-work person” to do. After my last break up, my mom’s friends suggested that it would probably be easier if I stick with “my own kind”.
To respond to Mike’s post, it would be nice to find the balance and stability, but not at the cost of who I am. I am willing to negotiate and compromise on many things but not this.
In response to mmmmmm’s post, I too used to think like tha, until the lonliness hit me like a train, and I realized all of my “I’ll never marry” feminist musings was a huge cover for the fear that I would never find “the one” and would never marry. I realize that my wanderlust is motivated by a desire to find somewhere to be accpeted for who I am, all of me - to find home.
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August 9th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
Hey,
One thing a few people mentioned briefly and I’d like to muddy the waters with - what about “CCK’s?” Sindhu, you mentioned you’d dated American guys who had different “ethnicities.” I’m assuming perhaps they either had different physical characteristics from your everyday “North American,” or their family was from a different country. While perhaps not the same type of TCK that you are, some of their experiences might be similar.
And marrying yourself sounds… a little weird. “Self-discovery,” “knowing yourself,” these terms seem tightly woven into the concept of “identity.” Which, I hate to tell you, is one of those words like “home” that are next to meaningless too a TCK. What if there is no “me” to know? What if it changes and adapts based on who I’m with, or on my present context? If that is the case, that’s pretty important not only for me to know, but whoever’s interested in me as well. I don’t want them to “fall in love” with me and then discover I suddenly change if we move.
Hmm, perhaps this bleeds into our expectations of who we want to marry… which might not be a bad thing. If I admit to myself that I am riddled with paradoxes and inconsistencies, and I note that my history is rich with experiences and adventures and things I’ve never shared with any one person, perhaps I look for that same “mystery” in someone else. When I do marry, the mystery doesn’t end there. I want to marry someone who I can spend DECADES or perhaps the rest of my life getting to know better and better. I want to marry someone who, 30 years into our marriage, will suddenly tell me a story about when she was a child crossing a log bridge in the forest and dropped her favorite doll into the river. I want her to be full of “surprises” and stories that I never could have imagined.
Now, this could be the case with both a TCK or someone who’s lived in one place all their life (local-ites). (I’d call them “muggles,” but I’ve met local-ites who still believe in magic and mystery and wonderful things. So I’ll call them ‘local-ites.’) I can’t fathom what it would be like to live in the same spot for 25 years, seeing the same people for 25 years, and the thought that some people live that way fascinates me. I want to discover what it’s like to live in one spot your whole life, and I’d be interested in getting to know someone that did.
So anyway, perhaps a fractured sense of identity in ourselves as TCK’s might give us insight into the richness and depth of ANY type of person we meet. Other TCK’s, local-ites, and maybe even muggles.
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December 2nd, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Hi, this post is probably dead now, but I’d like to find out whether Sindhu has any follow-on comments?
I’ve been married for over 10 years now, and when I got married, I thought I was marrying cross-culturally - hubby is an Aussie, and I’m, on the surface, South Asian. When I ‘chose’ him :-), I was thinking carefully about religion (the same), values (seemed pretty much the same), afinity for travel (we both grew up in Africa), and… that indefinable thing he has, that made me knew he would not shun me for being a fractured person. And the BIG one - I knew I wouldn’t be ashamed of taking him home to my family. I didn’t think much about his family - I knew I could get along, on the surface, with the ones I had met to that point
It was a couple of years after we married that my sister-in-law lent me Ruth Van Reken’s ‘Letters Never Sent’ - and it began to dawn on me that we’re both ATCKs. It’s taken me the rest of those 10 years to really own being an ATCK. BTW, his sister is now one of my best friends.
That’s just my story though, and I think, more than anything, I did go for someone with the non-negotiables Paulette talked about - and it happened, in my case anyway, to be another ATCK!
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December 3rd, 2008 at 6:00 am
I just realised my comment above probably just reinforced the positives of marrying another ATCK. To provide a realistic view of the topic, I should mention that it can get frustrating sometimes because we both struggle (in our own ways) with being TCKs. Some examples (some of which overlap):
- I don’t think either of us has a good self-image. This perhaps has to do with the lack of grounding we have that non-TCK/CCK around us seem to have. Sometimes we find it hard to help the other person when he/she is struggling with a low sense of self-worth.
- we are both social chameleons, so can suspect each other of being chameleons in our relationship.
- we both find it difficult to be vulnerable to other people - and each other.
Basically, just think of anything that you struggle with being an ATCK/TCK/CCK, and then imagine being in a relationship where the other person has to struggle with similar issues too!
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