TCK/CCK emotionally disconnected?
In a cosmopolitan city where I’m living now, people of bi-cultural and multi-cultural backgrounds are everywhere. Yet somehow I often wonder why others cannot relate to the deep disconnectedness that I experience. Is it a personality thing? Is it something about the aspects of my life experience that is somewhat different from other immigrants/expats? Or is it that some of “us” are hiding like I do, blending in seamlessly in the mainstream society at least on the surface?
The other day I was grouped with a political activist in my class for a discussion. I usually cannot relate to people with a strong passion for a political cause, as, perhaps attributes to my CCK-ness, it’s hard for me to believe strongly in a particular set of political ideals as I believe there’re many ways of looking at things. But that’s perhaps another topic. Surprisingly, we clicked after a series of disagreements. We first talked about the skills of interviewing people (which was our class discussion) and she became really passionate about how the interviewer should not become too involved with the subjects, that “people should deal with the own problem”. At first I found that she sounded somewhat cold, because in the culture that I was brought up, people made you believe that you’re responsible for other people’s feelings. So I brought up this cultural aspect to her, but she became more and more frustrated about this idea, insisted on her previous point, but then, surprising to me, became somewhat apologetic and suggested that it’s perhaps simply her inability to connect with people “at that level” because she’s moved quite a few times as a kid and teenager to different countries. You just can’t care too much about others, she said, “Because it’s just too hard.”
So she’s a TCK. 
Starting at that point we began to “click” and I managed to tell her things that I never told others people, about how I, too, started to become less and less connected with people, even those who I cared about, even I tried very hard. I told her how I noticed the way I had taken photos with my friends less and less over time. I guess in a way I just didn’t want to have pictures that reminded me of how I was no longer with them… anyway, instead of doing a full psychoanalysis of myself, which is narcissist and boring, I just want to say that I’m so happy that she was not afraid to express her feelings so passionately, because otherwise we would never got into the discussion and there would be no way that I found she’s a TCK.
Do you find yourself feeling a deep disconnection with others, even if you have grown mature enough to simply “suck it up” and blend in well on the surface? Is there just “something” that others just can’t relate to and that disappoints you all the time? I guess these questions come up on this forum from time to time, but there’s just something I can’t figure out: what’s the difference between TCK/CCK and other immigrants? Sometimes I feel like TCK/CCKs just recognize each other: we look at each other and suddenly we seem to understand so much about each other. (Sorry it sounds like a bad line from a chick flick)
What do you think? What is it that makes TCK/CCKs connect with each other even though we might not have been to the same place together?
October 15th, 2008 at 6:37 am
@Simone:
So did you sent the e-mail back to her?
I get those emails all the time, but I NEVER send them back, to anyone. But now you’ve got me wondering, what if people actually get upset about that? Oh, well, my real friends know that I like them regardless of whether I answer a stupid email or not
@Brice:
Last Sunday!
You see, I’ve learned that with the right people, it’s ok to share a secret, because they are open-mined and will understand.
But with random people (like Ayako’s example, ppl who work w/ me) I know I can’t really open up, because they don’t get it and I have to keep explaining my point and they disagree and …arrrrggg!!! it’s better to just keep things for myself.
(Is this spam?)
October 15th, 2008 at 8:08 am
mairabay, no I didn’t send it back to her, it is in my drafts and I would feel awkward sending it to her since it would reveal that I have nobody else to send it to … And there is a part of me that would like to have these kind of friendships, but then the bigger part of me doesn’t care and regards it as a waste of time.
(Is this spam?)
October 15th, 2008 at 8:14 am
Hi Brice, I am just across the water in Campbell River on the Island. I should try and make an effort to get over to Vancouver and meet up with you, if you ever have the time. And I’ll also reply to your email…
(Is this spam?)
December 26th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
because immigrants tend to prefer one side of their culture as their own. Just look at the people in Canada/US u wud noe, most immigrants either completely dunt reli care about where their actual roots are or compeltely dunt click with modern North America.
we r emotionally disconnected, i think it’s because we r scared, we are so used to others not understanding, others misinterpreting what we say. so we r generally afraid to say wt we think just in case ppl might hate it again… i mean in the beginning when I first came on this forum, I didnt feel “omg safe at last”…I was scared, I felt like I need to test out ppl to see if they actually reli wud listen. so yah even if we are all TCKs or wtever, we dunt necessarily click immediately.
(Is this spam?)
December 27th, 2008 at 2:52 am
I made a conscious decision, some time ago, not to care about others. =/
My parents had promised me that we wouldn’t be moving again after we landed in Malaysia, and I looked forward to a life where I would stay in one country. It was heaven to me at that time, especially since I was about 10 years old. So when I was told we would be moving again a few years later…I decided that enough was enough. I’d managed to create a deep bond with some of the friends I’d made in Malaysia, but I felt a deep disconnection with many friends in the later years, which didn’t quite work out so well for me. At times, friends would get frustrated with me for not putting in as much effort as they were into the relationship, but there was absolutely no way for me to explain it to them.
At times, yes, I regard comittment as a waste of time, seeing as I will know them one day, and the next, I will probably have vanished. I still wish I could connect with people as easily as some of my local friends do, but I doubt that it will happen for a very long time.
(Is this spam?)
December 27th, 2008 at 8:48 am
Hi Connie,
Thanks for raising this! Yes, like everyone else, I feel disconnected (to varying degrees) from society. I can even feel disconnected from other TCKs with differing experiences to mine (eg, TCKs from Africa vs TCKs from Asia, business expat kids vs. missionary kids). I find focusing on common ground (often easier with other TCKs than with many non-TCKs) helps.
Maira, lol, so true:
“And I’ve been realising lately (I actually plan on writing a post about this) that people think they are connected to me but I still feel VERY disconnected to them.”
And here’s something funny: My husband and I (both ATCKs) went to a wedding where the groom and his best-man had been friends since they were in pre-school. That was mind-blowing for us, and, I am sure, for most other TCKs out there!
(Is this spam?)