TCK identity? Grief? Anger? Depression?
I an ATCK diagnosed with clinical depression, which for the most part is due to my TCK experience. Unfortunately tonight I had a “crisis”. Although the moment has passed and I am much grateful for having family members nearby who were able to help me through my moment of need. However, at this moment, I think I am tired of being a TCK, I am tired of having to always explain myself to others, I am tired of the constant traveling itch, I am tired of being afraid to open up to others, I am tired of feeling like I have to hide who I am to fit into other people’s “logic”, I am tired of constantly feeling out of step and not having a place where I feel that I really belong. In fact that’s all I’ve ever wanted - to feel like I belong.
I was wondering if any of the other TCKs out there have ever felt this way, and how do you get through these moments? If you have been able to settle, what has helped you do it? I am professionally working through my grief and it’s been a tough road and I know there will be other bumps ahead, but I would really appreciate you sharing your comments and experiences.
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8 Comments to “TCK identity? Grief? Anger? Depression?”
July 1st, 2008 at 11:22 pm
Hi -
I think that many of us have battled depression to one degree or another. Often, the thoughts you are expressing in the “I am tired of…” chain come when we are most tired or have other “ordinary” life challenges to deal with.
I have found several coping mechanisms helpful and effective. The first one is to banish the ANTs, or Automatic Negative Thoughts. When you hear these thoughts beginning to circle, distract yourself, i.e. refocus your brain activity. Put on a CD and sing along. Go for a walk. Bake something, it can be as simple as prepackaged cookie dough. Smell some lavender oil, it’s uplifting and relaxing. Take a shower or bath with good soap. Exercise. Call a friend. Just do something ELSE. This comes from my exposure to a combination of neuropsychiatry ( I have a brain injury from a fall - good now)and cognitive therapy. It works.
As to the fears we deal with, the fear of always being the “other”, of not being understood, of not belonging, these are fears that are not unique to TCKs, but rather a part of the human condition. Our experiences as children have magnified our perception of these feelings and sensitized us to them.
I give myself permission to be different. Why not? I am, AND that makes me like everyone else. I am 58, and have heard many life stories - everyone has a story and all have challenges, some far more difficult than mine. It does not cheer me that this is so, but it puts perspective on it. It also tells me that behind ordinary lives often there is to be found extraordinary courage and strength and truth and beauty - and these things exist in me and in you as well.
I believe that what we collectively deal with. as a significant portion of our TCK grief, is a form of guilt. Like children of divorce, we blame ourselves for our situation. Somehow we carry the magical belief that had we only done such and so, our parents would not have moved us away from our home. We believe on some level that we caused it.
It has helped me to realize that I was powerless in the situation, and that I am not a powerless child now. Many years of therapy there!! What I mean by that is that many situations throw us back to the point of trauma (this is how the brain is wired, to chemically imprint on trauma) by generating the same feelings.
When we feel fear in our adult lives, we immediately key on the memory of not knowing the language, the culture, the people, the place, our childhood fear, and we feel helpless.
While I do get flipped back to that little girl from time to time, I am now self-aware enough to quickly recognize that this has happened to me, and that I am NOT a powerless child now, therefore, I can deal with the current problem in the present, with my present adult skill set. I’m not saying I don’t get sucked back to that dark place, I’m saying I recognize that it is a false contruct with no foundation in my current reality.
You are doing the absolutely right things…reaching out to family, to the TCK community, asking for help and working with a professional so that you have a non-judgemental sounding board. You are quite capable of taking care of yourself, because you are doing it.
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July 2nd, 2008 at 12:47 am
One question: Are you male or female? This has to do with some kinds of depression.
“…a small proportion of women with premenstrual syndrome have disabling symptoms every month. This form of PMS has its own psychiatric designation — premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). PMDD is a severe form of premenstrual syndrome with symptoms including severe depression, feelings of hopelessness, anger, anxiety, low self-esteem, difficulty concentrating, irritability and tension. A number of women with severe PMS may have an underlying psychiatric disorder.” (Mayo Clinic)
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/premenstrual-syndrome/DS00134
Even if you don’t have PMDD, PMS can be bad enough for some people. It varies among individuals so just because another female has never experienced PMS doesn’t mean she’s stronger than you or better than you. Some females suggest this is the case but don’t listen to them. It won’t help your depression, because it will only damage your self-esteem to think she is better than you. If indeed she never was bothered by PMS, it means her symptoms are much lighter than yours or she doesn’t have any symptoms at all. PMS isn’t something you can do something about with willpower alone.
Recent studies have again pointed to the fact that PMS has to be considered in the equation of depression with females.
One remedy is to take evening primrose + B6 supplements which general practitioners feel eases the symptoms, regularly, but please consult your own GP regarding taking anything. I’m just telling you what my GP told me.
Eating foods rich in vitamin B6 can help too, i.e. bananas, chicken, etc.
http://www.whfoods.com/foodstoc.php
If you are female, keep a diary to see when the depression ‘episodes’ happen along with your cycle. PMS can start up to 2 weeks before your menstruation and eases off once it starts.
I suggest you talk to a psychiatrist or GP or someone who has a degree in psychology and medicine if you find a correlation with PMS. It might make life much easier for you in the long run if simple vitamin supplements can ease your symptoms.
Last but not least - if you are male this is all irrelevant to you.
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July 2nd, 2008 at 11:49 am
(I’m a different person- fyi).
I was diagnosed with depression as a teenager as well, while I was still living overseas. The way I managed (though I do not recommend it) was to cut or burn myself. Like I said, I don’t recommend it.
Now, the way I deal with “downtimes” (which I don’t necessarily recommend either) is to think about why I’m better than other people. In the very short term, this does help. In the long term, it turns you into a selfish bitch.
Now, onto things I do recommend- (yes, I do have some). I’ve noticed exercise helps a lot. I used to swear that I would never run for fun, but now it’s the most helpful thing for everyday TCK and non-TCK issues. Also, listening to music helps me. Or sometimes I just take a few hours all to myself. This might mean skipping a class, going in late to work or even calling in sick(though I realize that’s not always possible), and staying home to watch a favorite movie, crying for a little (or a lot). (can you tell I’m a girl? if you’re a guy, that might not be something you’d want to do. but it really does help me). Stress can make everyday issues seem like a huge deal, and something you can’t cope with, so if you know what de-stresses you, take some time to do that.
For major issues, I’ve found talking to someone helps a lot. Even if you have to non-TCKize your problem for them to be able to understand it helps. Or talk to someone who’s a good listener, and who recognizes that they don’t even need to completely understand.
I hoped I helped even if just a little. I know it sucks to feel like that, and feel like no one knows what you’re feeling like.
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July 3rd, 2008 at 7:49 am
Well I am not diagnosed with anything cuz I never did any diagnosis. but I have breakdowns all the time. I think the greatest reason that I am not that sick of being a TCK and desperate to get out of my situation is because of my interest and passion for writing and drama. It really directs my attention to something that just make me feel everything is perfectly fine immediately. I think this is not only for TCK but everyone, you just have o find that passion in life that will make you happy despite all difficulties.
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July 4th, 2008 at 1:09 am
Annette wrote: “Take a shower or bath with good soap.”
So here’s my supplier for ‘good soap’.
http://www.lush.com/
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July 4th, 2008 at 2:41 am
Hi Anonymous,
I’m young (and therefore don’t quite consider myself an adult yet) but I definitely know what you feel. For the past year or so I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out how to deal with these issues. You’re definitely NOT alone, and if you ever need anyone to talk to feel free to contact me. In any case, I’ve very recently realized that I don’t quite care what people think about my identity….it’s actually easier not to and if they don’t get it I’m just sick of actually caring about it…. I don’t know what kind of environment you’re in but where I am (at the moment), this has really helped me. As long as YOU know who YOU are, that’s the most important thing.
Anyways, I hope that you find the answers to your questions. I think that despite the fact that we have so many similarities we all deal with TCK issues in different ways.
Marie
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July 4th, 2008 at 4:40 am
I’ve never been diagnosed with depression to such a degree as you have been, although I have experienced the depression time and time again.
I’m sorry to hear of what you’ve gone through, but you’re not alone in such feelings and emotions.
I guess, first of all, realise that yes, you are different, but then start finding ways to distract yourself. Loud music, soft music, whatever you fancy, so long as it takes your mind off things. Take a drive alone, or a walk in a park and sing your heart out. I find that that’s my best solution, or just have a bit of a cry. Running as well [as you suggested] is pretty good, or any form of exercise! Try kick boxing, it’ll take so much out of you.
I agree with Marie though, in the sense that I just don’t care anymore. I usually tell people I’m [insert nationality here] and if they feel they need to ask more questions, then do so. Although I am definitely feeling your pain over the sense of belonging and the loss of friendships as well as not being able to open up.
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July 4th, 2008 at 10:57 am
It’s difficult. It’s difficult being someone who can have find something in common with everyone because of being a Global citizen but are pushed aside because of your skin color, culture (ironic, huh?).
I get depressed sometimes. I have been in L.A. for 4 years and I have not made one damn friend - not one! I love the lifestyle but I miss sharing time with other grown-ups (I have a toddler son). However, what I do is just remember my past. It helps me put things in perspective knowing things could be worst than they are. Than I am grateful for the “good things” - health, a job, a TV/DVD player to watch movies, a computer with internet connection, friends in other countries who love me, a pool, living in an international city. So I just ride the bad feelings until they show themselves for what they are - just thoughts.
Hope that helps
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