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TCK and cutting…?
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I’m just going to be honest with this, but it’s hard to even write about.
A couple of years ago, I had problems with self-harm, mostly with cutting my wrists.
The reason I first did it was because I had become numb to society and felt it was my fault I didn’t belong. So it was a way to feel something and it was a punishment. It was also something I could control in the lifestyle that we tcks lead. It wasn’t about attention or trends. I was depressed consistently for about one and a half years and was cutting all through that time. The scars from my first cuts still haven’t faded completely.
My family is now moving again. In this state of having no where to belong, having to lose all my friends, I’m having overwhelming urges to do it again. I have people who I don’t want to hurt by doing it, and some I don’t want to hurt by doing it again, but this sense that none of them are with me… it puts my stomach in knots frankly..
Is it the lifestyle…?
Or am I just another messed up emo kid..?
Help…?
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July 4th, 2008 at 11:31 am
anonymoustck,
I just read your post. Are you at high risk at this time to harm yourself, right now?
If so, please contact a therapist, talk to someone whom you trust or contact a Crises line (see resources below)to speak someone about how you are feeling. I am glad to see that you know that it’s OK to ask for help, as you have already done by placing your post on TCKid. It shows that you are we taking care of yourself by reaching out and asking for help, because you are feeling overwhelmed with emotions about your pending move.
From reading your post, I sense that you do not want to harm yourself through cutting — you just want to stop your pain. Perhaps, you are feeling stuck and trapped as if there is no other way out. There is! I imagine you are feeling emotional pain about your potential new losses, and that it so overwhelming that you feel you cannot cope. Or, perhaps it is that you do not feel that you have control over your parents’ decision to move again?
It’s OK to feel the way you are feeling now. It’s NOT ok to act on it. There IS support out there for you, including here on TCKid, where you have already reached out. This tells me that the part of you that is resourceful recognizes that with help and support, you can get through this awful time of once again having to deal with transition to a yet another new place with new faces, and having to leave the life that you currently know behind.
I want you to get through this rocky time. Know that most of your fellow TCKs on this site have felt emotions similar to what you are feeling now. You are not alone!
I am glad that you have reached out to your fellow TCK community to let us know how you are feeling.
Since I am not sure where you are currently located, I have listed some helpful resources to help you get through this time. Here are some other ways to get help if you cannot reach others where you are that can listen and be there for you:
1-800-LIFENET
European Treatment Hotline +31-76-522-7288
http://www.mental-health-today.com/resources/toll.htm
Youth Crisis Hotline (Ralto MA) 800-422-0009
Haven of Hope Sanctuary Hotline (http://www.mhsanctuary.com/suicide/hotline.htma list of volunteers who will take your call, or you can email them).
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July 4th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
It’s not your fault you don’t belong. It’s not anyone’s fault.
If you want to write more, please keep writing here, if it will make you feel better.
People will read your post and listen to what you have to say.
The members of this forum are by far some of the most compassionate people I have known in cyber space.
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July 4th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Ayako is not overstating the compassion here at all! There are many wonderful people here willing to help, willing to share, and willing to listen.
Should you reside outside the U.S. (or other areas previously mentioned), please let us know where you are, so that we can better assist you in finding “local” resources who may be able to help!
Also know that you are most definitely NOT alone!
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July 5th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
Jerry is right. Ayako is not oversating the compassion at all. This is a place where you can find support and be understood and accepted for how you feel. We are not here to judge you but to be with you.
If you prefer, you can keep posting as anonymoustck.
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July 13th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Hi Anonymoustck,
Just so you are aware, your experiences and feelings are not uncommon. My experience with these sort of things are as follows. I find its usually associated with depression which can be linked with self harm and feelings of suicide. I have had those feelings before. At the time they were driven by the thoughs that I was worth nothing to nobody, and that nobody cared about me anyway, and worst of all, I felt nobody understood and even if I told them, they would not understand anyway.
Just to let you know I came through that period despite how caught up in self-pity and how addicted I was to those negative feelings at the time. We all go through times of self doubt, self pity and depression.
I think you have already taken some good steps to helping yourself already. You are posting on TCKid and asking for advice. So you have already admitted you have a problem. More than that, you have told others about it. Well done! I’m telling you now, at the time I had depression and such feelings, there seemed to be nobody who could understand how I felt, so I told nobody. I could have come through it a lot earlier if I had asked for help.
The sad thing is I started to believe the lie I kept telling myself that nobody cared or would understand how I felt. We care and there are people close to you who care also.
I would like to suggest some things to you which I hope will help. Read up on how to get through this.
http://www.selfharm.org.uk/help/default.aspa
is a good starting place and im sure you can find others.
Get in touch with someone to give you some more advice and so you can know what you are dealing with.
Ok next thing, don’t spend your time thinking about how bad things are and how bad you feel. Decide youre not gonna fall into that trap again. I found the negative feelings addictive. I sort of craved those feelings after a while! So give yourself a hobby, go visit some friends, keep yourself busy.
http://www.selfharm.org.uk/help/helpingyourself/default.aspa
Some good tips here.
Next, write about how you feel or do some poems on your feelings. This helped me enormously. If you are frightened that people will find what you write. Do it as if it was a story about someone else. Just find a way of expressing those feelings in what you write. When you do, write a bit about the negative feelings, then write about some positive feelings and some good things that have happened.
You can also listen to music, however, listen to music that cheers you up not gets you depressed!
Well, do post again to TCKid and let us know how you are getting on. Dont let your feelings rule you,learn to rule your feelings!!
I will pray for you.
All the best and know we care and many have experienced what you are going through. You are not alone and you can come through this!
Paul
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October 22nd, 2008 (5 weeks ago) at 5:34 pm
Anonymous,
I agree with Paulette, please see a therapist.
Sometimes all the the baggage we pick up gets overwhelming and we need some one to help us emotionally spring clean
Reaching out to local resources is also great idea.
I am not a professional, but as one who has spent the past few years in MAJOR professional therapy working through their TCK baggage, taking your cutting into mind I would suggest possibly looking into finding a BPD/Self Injury support group…even if just to get advice on how to redirect your urges to self harm.
Hang in there and know you are not all alone!
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