Should we move our kids?
Help! We have been agonizing over a decision whether to move our three kids (8-13) to Tokyo for a period of five years then with a subsequent move. We have never lived abroad before, yet our kids (after having lived in 3 diff. states) do already have some of the qualities of TCKs. Speaking from your experience…is it more important to have roots & stability OR the global experience? Thanks!
June 2nd, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Hi. I’ll be honest: moving abroad is probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. I think that in this day and age, the qualities and experiences that a TCK has is of increasing importance.
However, make sure you are well-prepared and well-versed in the topic. If it is still possible, read the TCK book by David Pollock and Ruth Van Reken (which I have almost finished). It sheds light to a lot of questions which I am currently trying to find the answers to (as a TCK myself) and I’m sure it will help you in your decision, and in your possible life as a parent of a TCK =)
Good luck =)
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June 2nd, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Thanks so much for your comments! I read that book (or an earlier publishing) a few years ago before we turned down our first opportunity to move abroad. I just finished Robin Pascoe’s book about raising global nomads. Our oldest child would only live in Japan as he would then be off to college, but our younger two would move again. Thanks for your insight.
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June 2nd, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Both options have their pros and cons. Having roots and stability has positive and negatives, just like being a TCK does.
As a parent, you have to be ready and prepared for those challenges.
But if you want to know if TCKs think it’s worth it, it truly depends on how their parents reacted it. Some TCKs hate their experience, because their parents did everything wrong in the book and weren’t educated or prepared to deal with those issues. Other TCKs wouldn’t change that experience for anything in the world. It all depends on your ability to deal with the issues as they come up.
But don’t worry, there’s plenty of advice, help and support on this site, from experts and parents who will be willing to help you. You found the right place.
If you have more questions, check the “parent and family” section at this link:
http://www.tckid.com/help.html
I hope that helps!
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June 2nd, 2008 at 5:56 pm
You see, when I moved to the states, we would have been in a situation that we would have had to move every two years or so. My father having gone through that as a child, they decided to start roots in the US and so I grew up there, rather than always being on the move.
In a way, I almost wish we would have moved, because I wouldn’t have had to grow up different from everybody else. (I was always “the girl from Finland” and was teased badly because I’m different. Middle School sucks that way.) But yet a part of me is glad that I had a stable childhood. I only just found out about this whole moving situation not too long ago, and I have such mixed feelings about it.
However, having lived outside of Finland, I’ve been given a childhood that no other child could have. I’ve flown back and forth all the time and I am currently studying in China, where my dad lives currently. Finnish people can be rather close-minded (at least in my family…), and I’ve become rather open-minded, having lived abroad.
Does that make sense? I’m kind of in a hurry, but I just HAD to comment, having been in a similar situation.
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June 2nd, 2008 at 9:06 pm
I have to agree with…everyone. For me, being a TCK has been the best, and only, experience I could ever imagine. To be completely honest, I can’t at all imagine myself NOT as a TCK, I would be a completely different person. What helped is that my mom is a nomad herself and my dad was a TCK too, so they (although they reacted very differently) kind of knew how to react (without knowing it conciously…they just knew what I was feeling I think).
What I’m trying to say is that, like Brice, I think it depends largely on the parents (I am by no means saying that parents have to be TCKs or CCKs). I think the fact that you’re ready and willing to learn about TCK before your kids even become them is a great sign, and if you can see things before they happen you can help them go through the process more smoothly.
I never had the “roots and stability” so I’m not really in the right place to say whether or not I prefer it…when I was around 13 I sometimes wondered at the incredible foreign notion of a stable, rooted nuclear family (i didn’t live in a nuclear family), I felt like I had missed out on something… but that passed over quickly when I realized how incredibly lucky I was (and am) to have had the glboal experiences I was raised in. For me, although I’m biased, I would say global experience. But again, I never knew the stability and grew up in a house of nomads.
How do you think your kids would feel about it? I think one of the big problems (both with TCKs and non-TCKs) is that parents too often don’t ask the kids what they think (even just to ask…they never asked me although I don’t regret the moves that I made even when I didn’t want to make them).
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June 3rd, 2008 at 12:12 am
If you have the real option of leaving them behind or taking them with you - why not ask your kids what they want to do?
Involving them in the decision will be good long term because then they can’t turn around and ‘blame’ their parents for everything :p They will also feel they had a ‘choice’ and this can be important.
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June 3rd, 2008 at 3:54 am
Personally I would go with the stability for a little longer. I have not quite experienced stability, but I do feel a sense of regret at not knowing things about my home country or my relatives, and most definitely not staying longer with my closest friends.
But I didn’t have a chance to blame them when I moved to Africa, and in a sense, I’m glad I moved. I miss my old friend badly, but I’ve been to one of the most amazing countries in the world and made some of the best friends too.
If you’re going to move, but leave them behind with a gradparent/relative, perhaps make the consequences of moving with you and of staying behind very clear to your kids.
My parents were moving to South Africa about 3 years ago now, and gave me the option of staying in Malaysia. And I chose to move, mainly because I wasn’t sure if I would enjoying staying with my relatives for such a long time.
These things always have their pros and cons, but I would suggest what Ayako has, and to give them a choice so that they can’t blame you. I know I did that to my parents, especially when they took me off at 2 months, therefore giving me no choice.
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June 3rd, 2008 at 8:01 am
I guess I wasn’t clear - we would NEVER leave our kids behind…we are trying to decide whether to move at all (all of us) OR stay behind in the U.S. Two of our three kids (the youngest two) are 100% in favor of moving while our eldest is torn.
Thank you!
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June 3rd, 2008 at 8:27 am
No you weren’t clear - but that’s your private decision/opinion/way of raising children not something you needed to tell us?
It’s not anyone’s business whether parents choose to put their children in boarding school or not for example and not for others to judge imho.
If your children are already involved in the decision and you are considering changing career moves based on their thoughts - then the children don’t have much to complain about.
I can understand your oldest child’s concerns. Being in his or her last years of high school, the uprooting and this point in time in life kind of will have a huge impact on it.
I moved away from my school to another one for a year during my sophomore year in high school and people I had just thought I was becoming friends with had drifted away into other groups I couldn’t enter by the time I came back.
In either case, good luck.
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June 3rd, 2008 at 10:50 am
ok, i am going to just say it; MOVE!!! take your kids and go and trust me this is the best thing you could ever do for them.
this is how i see it, if a person can afford to live in another country, even for a short time they should do it. your kids have already had stability for all these years, enough to have a solid ground, i think, and even if they were younger, i’d still say go. move somewhere else for a while where they get to learn new cultures, new languages and so many other new things, first hand! and most of all, they get to learn the most important lesson of all, that we, as humans are all the same. this is something i feel us tcks get a head start on, and probably one of the most important (as simple as it is) lessons to learn.
it is true that you should they to be as well versed in the whole tck thing as possible, but even on this site there are plently of people who grew up with unsupportive parents as far as the tck stuff is concerned and even they will tell you that they wouldn’t trade being tck for anything! the fact that you are even on this site asking these questions leaves no doubt in my mind that you are supportive parents, so GO!!!
serisously, i wish i had enough money to send every person on earth to another country, i really do. so, not just for the sake of your kids, but for the sake of you and your partner as well, move! go! embrace! home will always be there, your kids will thank you some day…
now i know people are going to respond to what i said pointing out all the cons, there are ALWAYS cons. but then again i could sit here and write a list equally as long about the cons of growing up in one place all your life. plus you are not talking about moving every 2 years (not that there’s anything wrong with that, but that can be a bitch for stability), you are talking about one move. GO! (i can’t say that enough times)
this world is becoming a global village faster than you can even imagine. just the other day i got an email from the son of a guy i kno in botswana, my friend back in botswana is a german who settled in botswana, married an indian wman and now their son lives in montreal (though he grew up in bots) and we are meeting for coffee soon. this is how small the world is now. please, take the job, take your kids and go. it may be tough in the beginning, hell, it may be tough for a while, but i think its worth it. i really do, so does my mm and when she and my dad first moved to ethiopia she almost had a breakdown.
ok, i will keep quiet now, just one more thing: GO!!!!
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