Question of faith – I guess | TCKID 2.0

Question of faith – I guess

Hi, this is a question for those TCKs out there who are, for want of a better term, Christians. I guess a better description might be active followers of Jesus?

(My apologies to all the others for posting this in this forum. If there is a more appropriate place, can someone let me know? Thanks!)

Does anyone ever feel that when they start concentrating on themselves, suddenly something happens that make’s one guilty for concentrating on one-self? Eg, one’s friends have a crisis?

I don’t know whether this is just a perception of mine or based on fact. I don’t keep a diary, so I can’t know for sure.

This has scared me off getting too introspective with my TCK’dness – almost a superstitious fear that something bad could happen to people I love.

Being a Christian I wonder whether it is God telling me not to concentrate on myself. That I am getting too inward-looking. I sometimes feel (not necessarily *think*) that it is God punishing me. For what? It feels like it’s punishment for making a bigger deal out of myself than is correct/fair/appropriate.

Or is it just an excuse I use to not be too inward-looking? But I WANT to look inward. I LOVE looking inward. Self-pity included. I love being the center of attention. I love talking about myself (if anyone will listen) and I love getting validation from others. So surely it isn’t me putting myself off being inward-looking.

I just had that moment again. I spent a couple of hours reading the TCK book, which sparked off a whole lot of thoughts, which I was able to freely weep over. And then I find some people who are close to me are going through an emotional upheaval. I like being there for my friends. But I felt emotionally low, and to lift them up at this time just seemed too hard. But I pushed through and did it anyway.

I just feel like God doesn’t care about me, He just wants to sort every one else’s problems because He loves them so much (and this includes other TCKs), but not mine. A TCK friend is sorting through her issues, getting counselling, and using friends as sounding boards. But I’m getting really annoyed because I feel I have had a lot of emotional upheaval as I have been sorting through losses I’ve had as a TCK, and I feel she isn’t there for me, to listen to me. At least, she listens, but straight away finds a hook that turns the conversation to her.

Does anyone else every feel this? Is it basically the ‘poor-me’ syndrome?

I feel it is. But then some part of my head tells me that yes, it is the ‘poor-me’ syndrome, but it is a symptom of something valid underneath that does need sorting through. Then another voice chimes in that this is all crap, and I’m just wanting to be the center of attention somewhere.

And I resent that. Why CAN’T I be the center of attention? :-)

I should add here that I am considered a level-headed person by most people. Perhaps this post is simply me having a (satisfying?) rant!

Sorry for the muddled post. I’ll probably wake up tomorrow and wonder why on earth I wrote this though!

Popularity: 1% [?]

Posted by anonymoustck at 5:40 am on November 28th, 2008. Comments
Categories: Ask Uncle.

  • Chiyo Chen
    Umuntu:

    Thanks a lot for ur post!!
    It helps me a lot!

    However, none of the ppl from my church would agreee upon it!!!
    They are a ll monos and SO NOT understanding that... I don't go to church anymore bc I truly am more hurt by them than getting ANY help! And I feel that God has forsaken me...

    ...............
  • Umuntu
    Guess what?

    Jesus got "annoyed" with the disciples because they didn't stay awake in the garden and console him in his hour of need. If Jesus got upset with his friends because he didn't feel supported then surely we can too. Jesus was also very inward looking. He was from another place(culture) and new he was going to be killed for claiming he was different. He begged the Father to not let him suffer. He had so much emotional distress that he sweated blood. If that's not inward looking, I don't know what is. During his ministry he healed the pain of many, including emotional pain and pain of loss. He gave his very life to heal our suffering. That's how much He cares about our inner pain.

    Yes, it's OK to look inwards and to seek healing. Jesus never wanted us to beat ourselves up. "We are more than conquerers through him who loves us so!" Jesus wants us to have victory; to feel good about ourselves. He gave his life for us, that's how highly he thinks of us! We say that Jesus was misguided if we don't feel good about ourselves too!

    You are loved, you are accepted, and you are admired!
  • followingsunshine
    Hm. Well, I have been a giver all my life and if I have had any needs or wants or desires at all...it was well, "selfish." So I spent alot of time hiding my desires, beating myself up for wanting and feeling guilty that I had needs too.

    What do you do when everyone around you expects you to be a statue as if you don't have the same desires and needs?

    What do you do when you decide that you have had enough and walking away means walking away from faith in God?

    It doesn't seem fair or even moral. But that's what people do. They put you in a box and they label you. Your only excape is to leave the confinment of those expectations and walls.

    I don't believe it has anything to do with God loving me. I believe it has to do with the expectations placed on me by those who love God and believe God expects such and such from me and them.

    Try as I might to argue my case, it goes against deaf ears. I think it is okay to have needs and desire and wants. If other do, why shouldn't you? Are you invincible? If God made you, would he have made you without emotions, without desires? Everyone BUT you gets to have those needs met but you? So what makes you different? Why do you always give to those who need? And lastly, when you need, the expectations of those around you can percieve that you actually have needs because that is the role we have put ourselves in or have been born into. Hence, the only way to get those needs met sometimes is to leave certain groups that keep us from being normal.

    Self abbuse is not an option anymore. I'm not a saint or a sinner. I am human. Let me be.
  • danau
    I think it's both a question of faith and a rant. (Btw, we're all allowed to rant at times you know.) When we're down, we often start to wonder whether God loves us or remembers us. So yes, it is related to faith in that sense. And there seems to be three separate issues at work in your story. I don't really have any 'advice', but I'll just share a bit of my own story.

    First, the self-pity part. I used to struggle with that for YEARS. It wasn't healthy, I hated it, but I couldn't help it. God healed me of that in stages over several years. I basically had to get healed of all sorts of other hurts inside before the self-pity disappeared. One day I realized that I had treated it like a 'best friend'. Self-pity gave me a place to hide. When I realized this, I actually had to tell it to go away. And I also had to learn to believe that my parents/God loved me. They had always loved me, but something inside me (i.e. self-pity) told me otherwise for years. Anyway, I'm glad it's gone now.

    Second, the TCK issue. If you're reading the book and weeping, then it sounds like there are a lot of hurts inside you which came about from the TCK experience, and it's good for you to deal with them. Don't feel bad about wanting to deal with them. These hurts are pretty real. They need to heal. And sometimes that requires introspection. And when you do get healed, you'll be amazed at how much stronger you'll be, which means you'll be even better at helping your friends. So yes, if you can find a counselor that would be great.

    Third - why do ppl around us fall apart when we're falling apart. Good question. I dunno, but it happened to me just recently. I got pushed to the limits with it. I was in shambles myself. But someone I love very dearly was falling apart, and I was the only one who could help. So I had no choice but to keep my troubles to myself and help them. Amazingly, God followed through. About 2 weeks ago, I woke up one morning and my sorrow just left. Poof. It wasn't there anymore. I'm still amazed actually. I haven't recovered from being amazed. I don't know how that works, but it's pretty cool.

    So hang in there. If you can find a counselor, that's great. Either way, just keep desiring for healing and it'll come your way when you least expect it.
  • anonymoustck
    I cringe as I reread this post. You know what? Two things come out of it for me:

    1. It was, basically a rant! I am really grateful for this site where I can simply rant, and know I'm not going to get jumped on for it!

    2. It wasn't a question of faith in the end - all I was going through is common to most, if not all, TCKs - the uncertainty, mix-up, emotional upheaval, isolation, feeling friends don't care, etc. Basically a social disconnectedness. A belief-system only comes into it in how I decide to deal with it!

    Diamond & miyon, thanks for your comments. You are both right, and I think Miyon's comment about counsellors is apt. Off to find one now :-)
  • I was about to go to sleep and just came across this post that was open on my window.

    "But I'm getting really annoyed because I feel I have had a lot of emotional upheaval as I have been sorting through losses I've had as a TCK, and I feel she isn't there for me, to listen to me. At least, she listens, but straight away finds a hook that turns the conversation to her."

    -> I understand this. I have had occasions with friends that would be eager to switch the conversations to something else when I want them to simply understand what I am going through. I am usually there to listen to my friends and I would really try to be there for my friends but there are times they simply can't understand me and rush with advices that leave me to thinking something I am different from them I want to change... and before I hated the fact that I was different.

    But then I think thoughts that spiral inward are usually not healthy. I am not an expert so I can't say it in a simple way, but I think what has helped me was to meet with someone I could trust (ex. counselor) and have more rational views because if I try to analyze things on my own, I seem to come to unrealistic and irrational conclusions. Talking to a professional that understands you gives different perspectives and it does take time. Things don't change overnight so you can't expect instant cure to emotional baggage and freedom from burden. But we shouldn't lose hope. It's a process. God knows the right timing for all of us. Some things are really hard to take in and we may wonder how long this will last. How long we have to suffer. But I trust that through this slow healing process we will learn to be more loving, more patient, and more compassionate beings.

    It takes a courage to share. Thank you for sharing this post with us.
  • diamond
    Hi! Just wanted to say, (without seeming like I'm saying "pat" answers)...that even though you might not feel like God love you...He does. We all go through sometimes pretty terrible things in life...but God never stops loving us. Sometimes it might seem like He doesn't care, because He allowed it to happen. But then that gets into the whole "free will" discussion.

    Another thing...I know sometimes for me when I feel like nobody has a life as horrible as me...then something happens (to a friend, a world-wide tragedy, etc.) that makes me realize that I have many, many things to be grateful for.

    However, I have had friends who will go on and on and on about themselves and their problems, and then not want to hear mine. I chalk that up to my friends being selfish...as we all are at times! If it's a constant pattern--your friend won't ever listen to you or support you--then maybe think about finding some other friends. (I'm not saying drop the friend in the middle of a crisis...just if it's a consistent pattern that you and friend can't work through.) Hope this helps!
blog comments powered by Disqus