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Protocol question
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I am going through a very turbulent time. I’m actively working on loss and grief related to my Third Culture background. Peeling back the onion layers. I have uncovered much and I’m currently working on all of this with my Egyptian psychiatrist, the amazing Dr. Laila Moussa-Tewfik.
While I’ve been working on these issues, I have been surprised by volcanic anger that has obviously been stuffed and not dealt with till now. Though, I’ve been aware I’m a Global Nomad for some time, I have patently not done the work that needs to be done to heal properly. Till now.
While I am not aiming my anger at anyone and am, instead, getting the content and emotion out through writing, with ViaVoice on the computer, talk therapy, and exercise, *it is infusing my whole being*. Yet, I am also aware that it is natural and normal right now and I’m giving myself the space.
The problem is is that I can see that the anger is affecting the content and style of my communication. Anger is on/near the surface and informs almost all my responses in the forum right now. Again I’m not aiming anger at anyone, but it is just there and vacillates between slow boil and volcanic.
Who wants to hear someone who constantly sounds angry?
While in the midst of this process, I’m aware that there is stiffness, less approachability, more seriousness, and almost none of the playful self I know and love. I miss that fun self, but know I’m committed to working on my stuff. Taking care: not overdosing on the self-work, taking breaks, having some fun, but the anger is always there right now, coursing right below or on the surface.
I speak to you of these things and bring these questions openly to you in a good way because I respect you, TCKid, and everyone involved.
Do I stay on TCKid now and maintain an online presence as I work it out, maintaining ‘appropriate online behavior’ or do I take a time out and come back later? I don’t know what the protocol is around something like this.
I’m being very up front with you here and want your advice about whether it’s better to stay connected during this process or take a break. I appreciate any feedback I get about this situation.
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August 26th, 2008 at 1:31 am
Hey Jan, I’m glad to hear that you’re going through this grief process and found someone to help you uncover it. I think that if you feel you need some time out, then it would be wise to take it. On the other hand, we have had threads where people chose to express their anger and rant about issues they were going through, because they found it therapeutic. In the end, the choice is yours, and I hope you consider the option that you feel most comfortable with. I hope that helps.
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August 26th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Thank you again, Brice, for extending yourself to me; I truly appreciate your response. The timing is what it is. I’d wanted to go ahead with a Vancouver meet-up but now find myself in this place and just bristling. My initial feeling is that it is a private process for me, but I’ll be back after I sit with it a few days to let you know.
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August 27th, 2008 at 7:50 am
There’s no need to be fake here, Jan.
The only thing we ask of our members is to show respect to other members so if you’re just ranting - that’s not being rude to anyone is it?
If you want to make an angry post please feel free to do it. In the past people have done this putting disclaimers in their text, e.g. Long angry rant coming-up. Lots of whining and disturbed thoughts. Not recommended for the faint hearted, etc.
In life, sometimes we’re happy, sometimes we’re sad, sometimes we’re angry. If you can only be around other people when you’re happy - what use are they?
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August 27th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
Jan, rediscovery of who we are could be painful and relieving at the same time.
I appreciate your honesty, Jan. I know healing takes time. Like Ayako said there’s no need to be fake. I think writing can be therapeutic. If you feel that things you write are private matters, you can write them in your journals. But I encourage you to freely write here how you feel at the moment because your feelings should not be negated. You are a precious person, Jan.
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August 28th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Thank you, Ayako.
I appreciate your words and your having extended yourself to me.
This is the first forum I’ve ever been involved with and I’m learning more about the parameters (of the site, the forum and how it works) through you.
As to fakery, right, it’s important to not be fake, especially here. True to my INFP self, authenticity is one of my main values. Living my own life is crucial to my existence.
I have thought about all of what you and Brice have said and reflected on myself in relation to TCKid and I want to stay here throughout the work I’m doing. I am an introvert and it’s hard for me to write about and open up to others like this; it’s easier for me to open up with people one-on-one or in small groups. The dynamic of a vast social network where many, many people can see what one says is something I’m still getting used to and, while I have a FB page, TCKid goes much deeper and is much more than a social network.
I also have a TCK reflex…I want to meet people and then want to leave just as I’m getting to know them…an intimacy issue. Well, I’m going to work on that by staying here and being me.
I may blog or post on the general forum site. Thanks to both you and Brice for speaking to the ‘how to’ about rants, the disclaimers and such.
I so appreciate your response, Ayako and if you were here, I’d give you a big hug. So, instead I’m sending you one from Canada to Spain…here it goes…
__________________
Miyon, like so many people here, you have much wisdom. It’s a wisdom borne of our experiences. Thank you for talking to me, Miyon. Yes, rediscovery can be hard and freeing. I will write about both on the site and here at home. You are right: I can do both!
Because I’m involved with healing, I mean the healing of others, I know that energy affects people more than they realize and I didn’t like how my posts were sounding because I feel responsible for the energy I put out. Angry energy is damaging. I won’t go into that more right here and now, though.
What it means is that I will be cautious, but not fake, and not so cautious that I’m not living my own life.
Thank all three of you again for your understanding, straightforwardness, and support. It feels very good…
As I peel the layers, I will keep using my compass to find all of you here, The Heartland.
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August 28th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
I was in my early 30’s when the volcanic anger you describe erupted in me. I simply could not stuff my feelings down any more.
In one of the kindest acts toward me in my life, the therapist spoke directly to me at the end of our first session. She offered that she rarely said anything of this nature to her clients, but felt compelled to say something to me. “You are not crazy”, she said, “events around you are crazy making.”
I was stunned. My feelings had been heard and acknowledged. Having anger was not a sign of derangement, nor was it to be hidden at all costs and denied. There was nothing wrong with me for having feelings. Even unpleasant ones.
For me, some of the fear I felt was undeniably that I did not feel I had the right to feel angry - indeed - I did not feel that I had a right to honestly express feelings of my own!
In time I have found that anger can be liberating and productively used as fuel for change in my life.
This is a great safe place to learn to recognize your feelings by sharing them with others. I suspect we are many here who can empathize with you, and who have been slammed out of the blue by the deep anger you describe.
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September 4th, 2008 at 4:33 am
I love the responces to this because it feels comfortable like a big TCK blanket. This is why I love TCKid and I think you should stay because you don´t have to pretend anything and you don´t need to be in a perfect state of being to be there because you are among people who understand and are very supportive. If you need to take the time out then that´s up to you but you don´t have to. We want to take you as you are.
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October 13th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
i’m joining in on this a little late, but will put in my two cents - whatever they’re worth.
I never vocalised my frustrations and fears that accompanied all these childhood moves, so just kept them buried within from the age of 6 to 12. Finally, in the Congo (Zaire), my digestive system just shut down - and would not work. I was so tense and angry that I could barely speak. Fatigue set in, and everything went downhill from there.
Even once back in Canada, I was not able to talk to anyone, and had to move out of the house as a 17 year old kid. The period after that I don’t wish to relive (nothing criminal), but just lost and wasted time.
Exhaustion, depression and so many other things that I suffered from forced me to consult medical practitioners by the score. I gave up on conventional medicine and turned to alternative medicine.
Chinese medicine spoke of any extreme of emotion and how it can take it’s toll on the body ie. Grief affects the lungs, kidney function affected by heightened states of fear, pensiveness affects the spleen, and the liver is affected by ANGER!
Once any of these organs are out of harmony, it’s a matter of time before they start to pull the other organ systems of out sync and wreak havoc on the body. I am a living case of this and thirty years later are still suffering the consequences, albeit to a lesser degree.
anger and resentment cause what is called “liver chi stagnation” - blocks the smooth harmonious flow of energy in the body. Tai chi, among other disciplines helps to restore the flow.
a book written with the layman (woman) in mind is one called “the web that has no weaver” by Ted Kaptchuk. It might behoove Jan or anyone else who has some interest in this to have a look.
I know this is a late submission, but if it is helpful to anyone, it’s purpose will be realized.
kevin
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