Post travel syndrome and reflection: How do I open up to people and not appear stuck up?
So I just got back from summer school in Mexico, and my heart is shattered…AGAIN.
Not that it makes that big of a difference because it’s already been shattered so many times…as a TCK.
So it was just a month, but tat was long enough for me to be pretty deeply attached to the place. After all it wasn’t just like tourists who stay by the pool and do nothing all day long. It was like actually living there and going to school.
I mean yes… all my classmates were fellow Canadians…many of which are NOT TCKs and many of which are reli quite rowdy and disrespectaful to the fact that they are NOT in another country. But I still really really miss them all (no we don’t go to the same school or live close to each other at ALL and those of us living in canada noe tat it’s absolutely impossible to go anywhere without a driver’s license) and it just makes me sad that they can probably just walk back into their old lives as if none of it ever happened. While to me…there really is no old life to walk back to because… all of my lives are old…and new at the same time. I don’t know exactly how it is like for them but I know that leaving is more traumatizing for me because I got too emotionally and mentally attached. On the way home everyone was all like “Yay I am going home!” I am like banging my head on the air plane seat screaming “NO I DUNT EVER WANT TO GO HOME!”
Anyways…I don’t know why I am ranting because really there’s nothing to do about the situation…other than move on with life…but i am depressed…hardcore depressed because I still can’t believe it’s over and that I am not going back there…and that I am in Canada…AGAIN.
and this trip taught me so much about myself… The thing that really hit me about this trip is that it’s not really cosmopolitanism and big cities that I like the most, i am fine with any place, I can’t live anywhere forever, I can’t claim any place as my favorite. This trip also made me realize how a preppy private school has turned me into such a paranoid and stuck up bitch and I am losing the basics characteristics tat a perfectly friendly and multicultural TCK should have. The way I react to new people and things is not even shy but suspicious and ridiculously pessimistic. Then I come off like a cold hard plastic even though inside I am screaming out, “omg I love you please don’t be fooled by my bitchiness and messed up attitude just don’t…just look deeper and you will see that I am just a stupid, scared, paranoid and nervous little kid, not a mean cold-hearted plastic bitch…” I mean even though the whole thing about TCK not opening up to others easily is true, I don’t want to be like this anymore! I always feel guilty when others treat me with so much enthusiasm and hospitality because I come off so cold while everyone is so nice to me. I want to so sorry to them all the time but they would just look at me all confused and like “sorry for wt? lol” sigh i feel really guilty.
Yah so i guess my question is, how can I stop acting that way? I don’t want to be the ice queen anymore! but how do I…loosen up? How do I relax? How do I stop appearing so stuck up? How do I stop being so paranoid? i really want to know.
Local Chinese schooled, Local North American public schooled, All girl schooled, boarding schooled, private schooled, international schooled, IGCSE/British schooled, religious schooled, art schooled, AP schooled. Never homeschooled. Although I've only lived in two countries...It felt like 8 at least. LOL. One of the rarer ppl who developed reli deep relationship with all people and places cisited. Weird? yah, it's like ppl believe that if u have one boyfrd for a long time, ur serious. If you have many boyfriend, you are a player and the most insincere creature in the world. Sometimes it feels like being TCK is being accused of being players for life. I would just like to say that is NOT true. In fact, it's totally possible to be serious about my love for everyone and every place, you just need to believe in that capacity and go with it. My greatest challenge as TCK is being accused as emotionally deficient, cold hearted and selfish. In fact it's exactly because I love everyone and everything too much that it seems like I don't love anyone or anything at all. GOAL: prove to the world that love for all is in fact within human's capacity.
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10 Comments to “Post travel syndrome and reflection: How do I open up to people and not appear stuck up?”
July 30th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
Ooh first of all, going around canada without a driver’s license *is* a pain.. I mean within city limits, it’s alright, but like, from one city to another, big pain.
And i know how you feel.. I went to california just about a month ago, got back just about 2 weeks ago.. Fell in love with san francisco and REALLY didn’t wanna leave the place. Canada is not the place for me, or well, my town right now isn’t. I like staying in calgary though..
Anyways, i have had a hard time not coming off arrogant too. I still struggle with it, because canadian teenagers, especially the ones in the place i live in right now, are so different and very very few understand our situation. They find it weird that i lived in the mid east once upon a time, let alone that i know how to speak, read and write some arabic among other languages.
I think, opening up is the hard part. You wouldn’t know what to day off the bat, because it’s not your normal intro..
I usually just make it as normal as possible, saving the tck story for later, when i’m closer to the people. They seem to wanna know more when they’ve gotten to know you just as a person and not as a traveller.
Also, smiling is key. We don’t want people thinking we’re bi-ot-ches do we?
Being a bit of a weirdo and a nerd, i decided one day ima try something new. Normally, i’m a somewhat charismatic and sweet person, but i tried being cold, quiet and all in my religion class.. Sure, it eventually took its toll on me and got me depressed cause i found out the hard way that being cold and snobby wouldn’t get you friends and i ended up being a loner till like the near end of the semester.. But hey, i learned something. It seems like the more you smile, the easier it is.
Don’t be too cautious about coming off arrogant. If you do, you could end up sounding very robotic. Just tell em how it feels, cause non tcks seem to love hearing about normal human emotions. You’ll find that they’re not so different in that area. I’m pretty sure that if you try to aid them in understanding you, you won’t come off arrogant. Just talking about facts and not how you feel could get you sounding arrogant.
Anyways.. I ran out of ideas. Hope i helped even just a little though.
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July 30th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
Blah, lol even it’s within city, it’s like… only the most concentrated areas like downtown toronto allows me to go wherever…and downtown toronto is like EXTREMELY SMALL and a lot of my frds live in the suburbs which i need to spend like $50 to get to if I wanna get there fast…or i wud have to go on TTC for like 2 hours??
LOL Canada is so not welcomed by TCKs eh…but then this frd of mine loves toronto so much tat I strongly doubt if he reli is a TCK sumtimes LOL but yah obviously every1 is different.
Yah tat’s how I felt when I went on the international trip because most of them are not from the city but random suburbs across canada… They are generally pretty nice but I feel guilty when I am with them because…well they r nice and I am cold.
the thing with opening up though is tat, my frds on the international trip are sooooo trusting i feel like they r going to get kidnapped or something. I mean it’s not like Canada is THAT safe it’s just safer…than many other countries LOL but yah I am very aware and just reli reli careful because i guess I’ve been exposed/reli close to real danger before and I know it’s not funny. That’s why even though I love new places and am eager to get to know everything I don’t get too enthusiastic right from the start because honestly you never noe.
I mean I dunt even need to tell them tat stuff, I just need to stop being so paranoid and think every1 is going to get sold to like a slum or sumthing. Lol i am always smiling but i still feel guilty. because they are all so nice to me.
yah i notice…I’ve become so robotic it scares myself. and it’s funny because when I have an emotional outpour moment it’s like so awkward becuase I am so emotionless all the other times. LOL
and overall, I dunt think i come off arrogant, I just feel stuck up because my way of dealing with being a TCK is to just not say much at all… and when you don’t say much at all…you appear rather stuck up.
OMG i need to relax! but i cant! i mean…danger does happen! lol
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July 31st, 2008 at 10:15 am
“my way of dealing with being a TCK is to just not say much at all… and when you don’t say much at all…you appear rather stuck up.”< —I’ve been like this since I’ve come to Europe and they do think I’m arrogant and stuck-up lol
Oh well - I don’t care!
Better than getting asked if I’m looking for a job on the street, i.e. prostitution I think? This and after a few old Spanish guys grabbing for me in the street - I refuse to speak to strangers on the street. I’ve had enough. :p
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July 31st, 2008 at 1:00 pm
I was offered a job as a stripper in the street once… I was with my best friend, and the guy was offering the job to both of us, but mostly staring at my chest, and he would not leave us alone. I got MAAADDD!
But yeah… the whole feeling of being stuck up, its hard to deal with. For me, I always have had difficulty opening up off the bat, and I’m crap at small talk. But I found, people are usually willing to meet you half way. The first time I was able to open up, was actually when I was doing the withdrawal phase. I knew I would be leaving in about 3 to 4 months times, so I started distancing myself from my friends, and this one plucky little red head confronted me and asked me why in hell was I shutting her out.
I couldn’t give her a reason that she would accept, so I let her back in. She was the first real ‘best friend’ I had. However she couldnt take keeping a friendship going over distance, so I walked away. We are still friends, but not even close to how it was before.
After that, it was still a work in progress. Sometimes I still have to work on the whole friendship thing, but I’ve got an amazing best friend now who gives me a good shove when I mess up.
Theres no instant cure, you just gotta work on it, and self esteem usually has alot to do with it. I found it’s better if you try working on becoming comfortable and loosing your guilt with a non-TCK, because you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty. It’s all in your head, but getting rid of irrational ideas is hard work.
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July 31st, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Hello Mmmmmm,
I’m also an ice queen, and would really like to be warmer, sunnier type of person. I feel sort of awkward around Spaniards (I live in Madrid) b/c they just sort of act like your best friends even if they just met you, and I sometimes feel like they’re *too much*. I think the fact that they exude so much confidence just makes me shy away even more: I seem to be more attractd to people who seem vulnerbale somehow.
I don’t know when I became this way, but I have a really hard opening up to people. I really can’t relate to most people I meet, and, like you, I just sort of keep to myself.Sometimes I offer little bits and pieces of my life, and when I hear myself, I think: “these people are going to think I’m a rich, stuck-up alien!” Just yesterday I left a book in English on top of my desk at work and when I noticed my colleague eyeing it, I had this impulse to hide it. I didn’t want him to ask me if I spoke English, or how I learned it at the lunch table and have all the people from office look at me like I’m from another planet.
I think my attitude 90% of the time is “I have nothing in common with this person and nothing is ever going to come out of this relationship, so why bother?”
I guess the only advice I can give you is to not be too hard on yourself and to be patient with people and take risks.
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July 31st, 2008 at 3:43 pm
I don’t know if this will help…but here goes…
When I first moved to the States, I arrived for the last month of 8th great…it was miserable…I was visibly shaking on the first day.
Anyway, I survived. Two weeks before the first year of high school, my parents informed me that we were staying in the US until I finished high school…it felt like a prison sentence. My first year of high school, I was the “ice princess”. I had a couple of friends, but I kept to myself, didn’t accept many invitations to go anywhere, didn’t let myself get attached…I was mad and bitter.
Fortunately, we moved across town and I began a new school my 10th grade year. I decided I hated feeling “out of it” and forced myself to introduce myself to others in class, even though I felt really stupid, and awkward. They also began a soccer team for girls, which I joined (since they had just started it, I didn’t feel like they’d been together for a long time, and therefore didn’t feel like an intruder)
Unfortunately, I also made some pretty stupid decisions (too much partying), too, but I am still really great friends with my best friend from high school. We live only a few hours apart, and manage to see each other once or twice a year…in fact, she and another friend from high school and their kids are coming out to visit for the weekend! And we are almost 20 years out of high school…yes, I know, I’m a bit older, but the same concepts hold true…
So, there’s hope. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of forcing yourself out of your comfort zone to try new ways to make friends. The important thing is, is to take sharing bit by bit.
I remember my youth leader in high school sharing that many people got overwhelmed by him b/c he shared too much info about himself all at once…and he was a non-TCK. It clicked with me, I think, b/c I realized I tended to do the same thing…I felt I needed to share my background, so people would understand the “weirdness” of my perspective. Just a thought…
Sometimes, I think as TCKs and ATCKs, we tend to want to share, b/c we’ve become accustomed to such as short time in one place…it can be very intense. Or very closed off, depending on how hurt we feel at the time of the move/transition. Being vulnerable is definitely more rewarding, though, although it hurts more when you have to leave. It’s a tough spot…keep your head up and make at least one good friend you can keep in touch with from that time in your life.
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July 31st, 2008 at 4:16 pm
How to come across so that people don’t think you’re an Ice Queen:
1. Have bad manners at the table - eat with your hands every time you get the chance, especially with food you’re supposed to eat with a knife and fork - never put a napkin on your lap
2. Laugh really loud whenever you get the chance - especially at your own jokes
3. Talk as loudly as a braying mule non-stop
4. Smoke pot and give everyone a joint and say: I love you man - I really love you man!
I’m just joking. Logically people won’t think you’re an Ice Queen if you do this, but is this really rational behavior?
The answer is no.
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July 31st, 2008 at 8:15 pm
@Ayako… Ok let’s see ur checklist…
1. I eat absolutely everything with my fingers…including salad and pasta. LOL
2. I laugh way too much at my own lame jokes it freaks ppl out.
3. this one I wud do…only in front of very few ppl. lol
4. LOL YOU ARE SO FUNNY but um… i think this one might scare ppl away…LOL
yah no kidding the whole getting sold to a brothel thing is very serious and NOT IMPOSSIBLE…
@Catt: sigh yah I have those moments too when I just avoid ppl I love like tat and it just makes me want to slap myself and say “wtf is your problem???!!!” I just reli wish they wud believe tat I love them no matter how bitchy I get…but I mean who is going to believe tat? Oh yah i do have reason to feel guilty when I say reli bitchy things and hurtful things just to avoid things tat I dont want to face.
@Anoutsiders: Actually i love the spaniards so much. because my roomate when I was 12 was mexican and a lot of them come to my boarding school, and i love the latin american kids from my International school too. Because they actually don’t get turned away by my coldness and they tend to eventually win my trust and passionate crazy side. or maybe I just like it when I am immersed in a foreign exotic place being welcomed by locals…because lol TCK always feel comfortable in a totally foreign situation while uncomfortable in a totally domestic situation haahaha. See the thing is… I don’t understand why every relationship/frdship has to be like tat…Cuz as a TCK I believe I can be best frd with absolutely any1. Well…only if they also put their effort in…which…they usually dont… haha and the book thing, I think i wudnt mind them seeing it, I wud just try to play it as low as possible. because the funny thing is, ppl become so much more willing to learn about your experience when you understate things. LOL
@Kristina: Yah we do feel like doing that eh? The thing is non-tcks usually don’t notice it anyways…so in the end there isnt much point. so I dont tell them unless they ask specifically. cuz if they dont ask specifically…they are probably not listening. but yah… even my closest frd say that I am ridiculously mysterious and hard to figure out and I make people extremely curious. actually i think this trip has reli pushed me out of my boundaries… I already feel so much more open and less paranoid…or maybe I just think it’s about time I start to see that I should get the freedom to be myself and if it irriates sum reli stupid ppl it’s probably their problem…
Thank you all for your responses!!! I can’t respond fully to every1 cuz there’s way too many comments to respond to…sorry. LOL
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August 1st, 2008 at 5:14 pm
I love this post! I was just thinking about this topic yesterday when my friend told me that I always sold my self short by not letting people in onto my life. Thanks for all the great incite.
I will try to work on things mentioned here!
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August 1st, 2008 at 7:21 pm
@Lauren: haha I am glad some1 likes my post.
Yah no kidding…we TCKs MUST stop doing that. because we r supposed to be the friendly connector who bridges the gap in this world! lol
sigh maybe it’s because we know too much that we lose the kind of confidence people have way they actually DON’T know anything.
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