Comments on: My First Proposal http://www.tckid.com/group/my-first-proposal/ The New Third Culture Kids Community Fri, 10 Sep 2010 11:33:47 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 By: Erhythmyther http://www.tckid.com/group/my-first-proposal/comment-page-1/#comment-225 Erhythmyther Sat, 18 Apr 2009 23:49:35 +0000 http://www.tckid.com/group/my-first-proposal/#comment-225 But it made perfect sense to the guy. . . it made common sense. And what happens when nothing seems common? Everything is novel? Anything is possible in a world that doesn't seem to stay still long enough to get a still shot of what you might be seeing. What's so strange about not "being in love" when a decision is made to get married. Nothing seemed strange about it to me. After all, at the time (30 years ago) we were both Christians and in my topsy turvy crazy world that seemed to be some sort of anchor. Of course, I had no idea my world was spinning. It seemed normal/common enough. So what that we had only known each other for a bit under three months and there hadn't even been a kiss? The guy from Saudi Arabia wouldn't have thought it strange---like he said, "we'll have to get to know each other afterwards". So that's why I, like the Saudi guy, thought it would be a fine idea to get married without knowing the person or being in love. I figured at the time that would all naturally follow...but then, I had no idea of what was "natural". It's been 30 years of total confusion. I'm only now getting insight into why and how such a thing could happen. I'm even confused about why it's taken me 30 years to get out of this marriage. Although these sorts of disfunctional things can happen to people who aren't TCKs, I'm pretty certain that the lack of a definitive culture in my life led me to get into and accept a life that by all American standards of common sense would be totally insane. It goes without saying that it's been lonely as hell. But it made perfect sense to the guy. . . it made common sense. And what happens when nothing seems common? Everything is novel? Anything is possible in a world that doesn’t seem to stay still long enough to get a still shot of what you might be seeing.

What’s so strange about not “being in love” when a decision is made to get married. Nothing seemed strange about it to me. After all, at the time (30 years ago) we were both Christians and in my topsy turvy crazy world that seemed to be some sort of anchor. Of course, I had no idea my world was spinning. It seemed normal/common enough. So what that we had only known each other for a bit under three months and there hadn’t even been a kiss? The guy from Saudi Arabia wouldn’t have thought it strange—like he said, “we’ll have to get to know each other afterwards”. So that’s why I, like the Saudi guy, thought it would be a fine idea to get married without knowing the person or being in love. I figured at the time that would all naturally follow…but then, I had no idea of what was “natural”.

It’s been 30 years of total confusion. I’m only now getting insight into why and how such a thing could happen. I’m even confused about why it’s taken me 30 years to get out of this marriage. Although these sorts of disfunctional things can happen to people who aren’t TCKs, I’m pretty certain that the lack of a definitive culture in my life led me to get into and accept a life that by all American standards of common sense would be totally insane. It goes without saying that it’s been lonely as hell.

]]> By: Lois http://www.tckid.com/group/my-first-proposal/comment-page-1/#comment-224 Lois Sat, 28 Mar 2009 00:17:49 +0000 http://www.tckid.com/group/my-first-proposal/#comment-224 Bride price of 100 cows! That's hilarious! Bride price of 100 cows! That’s hilarious!

]]> By: susie http://www.tckid.com/group/my-first-proposal/comment-page-1/#comment-222 susie Mon, 29 Dec 2008 05:41:31 +0000 http://www.tckid.com/group/my-first-proposal/#comment-222 Hi K-eM, I like your anecdote about the bride price! Hi K-eM, I like your anecdote about the bride price!

]]> By: K-eM http://www.tckid.com/group/my-first-proposal/comment-page-1/#comment-223 K-eM Tue, 23 Dec 2008 23:39:59 +0000 http://www.tckid.com/group/my-first-proposal/#comment-223 Once I hit puberty (in Nigeria) my Dad started to have men asking him what my bride price was. They wouldn't take "no" as an answer, so he set my bride price impossibly high. 100 cows. We tease my husband that he hasn't paid up yet and that Dad may take me back if he doesn't. When I was in college I often had men from Africa test the waters for me as a wife since they often wanted to stay in the US and not have to go home. Or wanted to go home with a "rich" wife. I was always negotiating those relationships very delicately. Once I hit puberty (in Nigeria) my Dad started to have men asking him what my bride price was. They wouldn’t take “no” as an answer, so he set my bride price impossibly high. 100 cows.

We tease my husband that he hasn’t paid up yet and that Dad may take me back if he doesn’t.

When I was in college I often had men from Africa test the waters for me as a wife since they often wanted to stay in the US and not have to go home. Or wanted to go home with a “rich” wife. I was always negotiating those relationships very delicately.

]]> By: Siosi http://www.tckid.com/group/my-first-proposal/comment-page-1/#comment-221 Siosi Tue, 09 Dec 2008 03:25:50 +0000 http://www.tckid.com/group/my-first-proposal/#comment-221 Wow, what a great story! Thanks for sharing :) Wow, what a great story! Thanks for sharing :)

]]> By: susie http://www.tckid.com/group/my-first-proposal/comment-page-1/#comment-220 susie Sat, 25 Oct 2008 22:44:55 +0000 http://www.tckid.com/group/my-first-proposal/#comment-220 Awesome story! Like Jemila, my parents got proposals for me when we lived in Nigeria, even when I was six... a bit of a shock at first. But nothing like this! It would be freaky if you met him some day, and found out what happened to him! Awesome story! Like Jemila, my parents got proposals for me when we lived in Nigeria, even when I was six… a bit of a shock at first.

But nothing like this! It would be freaky if you met him some day, and found out what happened to him!

]]> By: IngridGiles http://www.tckid.com/group/my-first-proposal/comment-page-1/#comment-219 IngridGiles Sat, 09 Aug 2008 15:50:33 +0000 http://www.tckid.com/group/my-first-proposal/#comment-219 Yeah, I felt sorry for him too, and often wondered if he found someone -- probably not. Of course I had to say no, but still, I sympathized with his situation. (Even though the proposal was a bit of a shock to me!) Yeah, I felt sorry for him too, and often wondered if he found someone — probably not. Of course I had to say no, but still, I sympathized with his situation. (Even though the proposal was a bit of a shock to me!)

]]> By: IngridGiles http://www.tckid.com/group/my-first-proposal/comment-page-1/#comment-218 IngridGiles Sat, 09 Aug 2008 15:49:50 +0000 http://www.tckid.com/group/my-first-proposal/#comment-218 Yeah, I felt sorry for him too, and often wondered if he found someone -- probably not. Of course I had to say no, but still, I sympathized with his situation. Yeah, I felt sorry for him too, and often wondered if he found someone — probably not. Of course I had to say no, but still, I sympathized with his situation.

]]> By: mish.wsl http://www.tckid.com/group/my-first-proposal/comment-page-1/#comment-217 mish.wsl Sat, 09 Aug 2008 14:11:15 +0000 http://www.tckid.com/group/my-first-proposal/#comment-217 Wow, some crazyyyy stories. Thankfully I haven't had such crazy experiences. XD But what an eye opener, I feel rather sorry for the Saudi because of his situation. Wow, some crazyyyy stories. Thankfully I haven’t had such crazy experiences. XD But what an eye opener, I feel rather sorry for the Saudi because of his situation.

]]> By: Vivien http://www.tckid.com/group/my-first-proposal/comment-page-1/#comment-216 Vivien Sat, 09 Aug 2008 11:44:43 +0000 http://www.tckid.com/group/my-first-proposal/#comment-216 Isn´t it normal in southern countries to get married in this way? I remember when we where spending our holidays in Djerba with my mother some guy came along and wanted to by me, when I was about the age of 14. And my sister overheard what he was proposing for me and just said: "Nah... forget about it. So many... she just aint worth it..." And what I particulary recall is, that they all loved my sister a lot, cause she was blond with blue eyes. But she was only 6 or 7, so quiet too young for marriege. Isn´t it normal in southern countries to get married in this way? I remember when we where spending our holidays in Djerba with my mother some guy came along and wanted to by me, when I was about the age of 14. And my sister overheard what he was proposing for me and just said:
“Nah… forget about it. So many… she just aint worth it…”
And what I particulary recall is, that they all loved my sister a lot, cause she was blond with blue eyes. But she was only 6 or 7, so quiet too young for marriege.

]]>