My 13 year old won’t talk about the move. How can I help?
An email sent to us on a question we get very often. Let’s hear your thoughts!
“I have special needs now and then. Right now I have a family
moving to Australia with a 13 - soon to be 14 year old, who won’t talk
about the move. I would like to get them the help they need. What kind of help should they need?”
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6 Comments to “My 13 year old won’t talk about the move. How can I help?”
June 13th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
This is probably one of the hardest topics to tackle. Getting a person to open up is so situational that the wrong advice could reverse everything that’s already been built.
I don’t remember how my parents and I handled the moves, I hardly remember discussing any of them. But I do remember my parents got to have a going away party with their friends, and I kept thinking that I wanted one.
The best thing I can say is try to get as close as you can, but don’t try and reinforce the positive by downplaying the negative. For instance, don’t say things like “You’ll make new friends there.” That doesn’t help the fact that your child is going to miss their friends here. If you can get them to talk, just listen. Don’t try and wave away their concerns, which won’t always be obvious.
Also, like above, don’t try and force the issue of the move–don’t showcase the positives like they’re going to excuse the negatives. “We’re moving to Australia! Look, we can climb Ayer’s Rock and learn to surf!” That will only bring the kid’s thoughts to “Well, we can climb X mountain here and learn to surf if we just travel around here.”
And take your cues from their behaviour, use all the tricks in your parenting arsenal. Use everything you already know about them to get to the next level.
The book Ruth van Reken and David Pollack talked about building a RAFT, I can’t remember what it stood for, but the book’s fantastic…
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June 14th, 2008 at 2:01 am
Sometimes it’s important to be there when your child wants to talk and not to try and make them talk when you want them to.
A lot of things unimportant to adults or just another person may be important to the person who’s ‘talking’, so sometimes we all have to stop and listen however unimportant it may seem at the time.
I understand that this is sometimes difficult as we can be very busy just trying to get through life ourselves. There are dishes to be done, cleaning to be done, work to be done, the dog needs to be walked, etc.
In the middle of this, if your child starts to talk about something you might say: Not now. Later.
I don’t blame anyone for doing this and I’m sure all of us have been guilty of this at some point, if not with our own children but with our partner, friend or relative.
I think we just need to stop and contemplate about listening to others sometimes when they want us to listen to them….and hope that people are as considerate when we need to talk too. :p
There are also things one isn’t ready to talk about (yet) but might be ready later. Perhaps you just need to abide your time and wait for this timing?
Also if the child isn’t accustomed to talking to you about other more casual things, it’s unlikely they’ll talk to you about more serious things, because with difficult things there’s always this imaginary barrier isn’t there - that needs to be overcome?
Maybe if you just talk to your child a lot more on the whole, the imaginary levees will break and he’ll be willing to talk to you about it?
Note: He’s also 14! That’s a difficult age anyway. Can’t fault you at all, for why there is a problem at all in this sense.
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June 14th, 2008 at 7:29 am
As a TCK who moved to New Zealand from Korea when 13, what helped before my move was my mom’s dedication and willingness to make the transition better.
All the things I am about to describe below showed that mom truly wanted to alleviate the changes and challenges of my move to a new country. Mom asking my opinion of “taking cram school classes in Korea before transitioning to N.Z.” showed that she wanted to support. Sometimes I refused, sometimes I followed her suggestion, and other times I was forced to obey but her “showing support” in action was a key to recognize that mom meant well for me.
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June 16th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Having made the move from Papua New Guinea to the USA at age 13 (I believe, 13 or 14), I remember it being one of the more traumatic moves I had ever made in my life. I don’t recall discussing it with my parents, but I do remember them being supportive of showing me how to set up email and yahoo chat at the time so I could keep in touch with those I was going to miss so horribly. It was easier to wean myself slowly off of those friendships and learn to slowly grow apart so that it hurt less and less as time went on, and slowly distract and immerse myself in the new culture I was having to learn.
If I had fully cut myself off from my friends entirely, I think I would have been much more apt to withdraw and resent my parents, and become angry at what they were doing to my life. (from a 13 year old perspective)
They were also very supportive of any new activities I was interested in-going to the library, watching movies, joining the track team…maybe they were a little overzealous, but I can’t complain that they weren’t supportive in their effort to distract me from trying to drown myself in misery.
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June 17th, 2008 at 12:47 am
I totally agree with the people above. I remember moving when I was twelve- I had hardly a clue what was going to happen- I couldn’t imagine going on an “everlasting furlough” so even though my parents tried to support me (which I appreciated very much) I couldn’t really say what I wanted- simply because I didn’t know what it would be like to actually live there and go to high school and so on. I guess its also the age where you really like people to support you but don’t want to give much feedback. my parents made sure I got in touch with other tcks; and nowadays I think a lot of kids get some sort of talk with a counsellor (provided by the sending organisation); who simply listens to them as they go through the transition and can give advice as how to react…
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June 17th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
I moved when I was 12 and I remember sensing my parents guilt and using my silence as my trump card in our teenage-parent power struggle. When ever my mother mentioned my not talking, I knew I had the upper hand. Then my mom ignored me when I stopped talking and was very attentive when I did. She also gave me controlled choices and if I didn’t respond, she made them for me. I don’t remember ever talking openly about our move though.
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