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Lost in the world

Hi – I`ve just found this website and I`d be grateful to read other 3rd culture kid`s stories. I`m really lost. I have travelled a lot in my life and enjoyed aspects of every country I`ve lived in. I`ve now reached the age where I cannot afford to keep moving as I want to establish hobbies and make friends and to start working towards buying a home. The trouble is I just don`t know where on earth to live. I have no country that I call ¨home¨. My parents emigrated to New Zealand but I hated growing up there. I miss obviously lots of things about New Zealand but I cannot bear the thought of going back there to live. I`ve tried several times whilst my parents were alive but now that they are dead I do not feel NZ is home.I like Australia because it is on the whole a positive thinking country, the people have this ¨can do¨ attitude that I like, rather like the Americans but without the big city problems that country has. I also like the climate as I love the heat – I was born and grew up in Malaya.But I miss art galleries, museums, castles, historical places that England can offer. Yet the climate in England is so awful and so many of the towns are depressing and the English mentality is not very positive. The country is very expensive to live in and the pay is very poor as well and since I have lurched from country to country on my secretarial skills, I do not have a grand career to fall back on. I feel very lost and useless. I have a University degree majoring in American Studies – I got very high grades so I know I`m intelligent, I`ve got a Diploma in Professional Photography and yet I feel I don`t know enough about the internet and business and marketing on the internet and I don`t have the confidence or know how to get out there and be self-employed. I have had terrible anxiety throughout my life and this has crippled me and my efforts to change and get on with getting a decent job.I just wish I knew which country to try for.I`ve tried counselling but it seemed to me they all trained up at the same school and no-one had any idea how to help a 3rd Culture Kid. I was made to feel even more alienated and estranged from my poor parents who tried their best to help so I even felt the counsellors were blaming my poor parents and I felt I`d even lost that lifeline.it is a dilemma and I`m so thoroughly sick of it.It was a relief to find the website that there are other 3rd culture kids and that their experiences have been just like mine. Has anyone out there been through this decision-making dilemma as to where to actually stay put and try and make a life? can you offer me any insights?

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Posted by kiscat at 6:18 am on November 11th, 2008. Comments
Categories: General Forum.

  • It's late in Oz, I'm tired, and I'm not thinking clearly. Sorry, additions to my comment above:

    >Hi Kiscat,
    >You're feelings are totally valid, and ones I >hear from my TCK friends.

    should have said: Your feelings are totally valid, ones I've experienced at various stages of life, and have heard from my TCK friends.

    And also wanted to add, that you seem to be a really highly motivated person. So finding a career you like, and taking the necessary steps towards it, are probably not going to be a problem for you!

    Cheers
  • Hi Kiscat,
    You're feelings are totally valid, and ones I hear from my TCK friends.

    Re decision making, I like Larisa's take on it for all the reasons she gives. Plus, if you do something you like, or feel passionate about, you are likely to stick at it, which leads to job security, which in turn leads to ready cash to pay for (the very expensive) trips to other places in the world to feed the TCK nomadic need. I know it's not necessarily that simple, but... :-)

    Re counselors, as you have already alluded, it seems important to find counselors that are aware of the TCK experience, as it's a huge defining factor for us. I live in Australia too, but as I'm new to the TCK network, I am not sure how readily available such counselors are. I suspect they aren't that common? A TCK friend saw one with experience counseling international adoptees, and found that very helpful. Also a counselor (the same or a different one) specialising in grief may be required because TCKs may have a lot of grief to process.

    Well, that's my 2cents worth! Thanks for your post!
  • Larisa
    Hi Kiscat,

    Welcome to TCKID!

    First, I have to say that I totally empathize. I faced exactly the same quandary, not too many years ago. And I chose poorly. Let me share with you what I learned the hard way: choosing the location before the career is putting the cart before the horse. I suggest you give more thought to what you want to DO for a living. Do some informational interviewing. Get any additional education/training that you need for that career ("American Studies," though an interesting subject, is not a career.). Then, take a look at the constraints your career choice puts on your options for where to settle. That alone may help you make a sound decision. And if not, there is always this to consider: if you focus on career first, and become really good at what you do, you are more likely to get a position in one of those lovely multinational companies that send families to post after post after post -- all around the world. That way you would not have to choose.
  • Welcome to TCKid.com kiscat! :) Another cat! Brice has a buddy hehe :D

    First of all, it is totally ok to feel what you feel. That is the first thing that I personally believe you should acknowledge. You are lost, yes, but you are not useless at all. You just have not found that right ledge to hold on to :)

    Maybe you can think about what is the one thing that is in common for all the places that you love. They are all different in their own ways but I am sure there is one small thing that you really like about these places that's drawing you back to them. Maybe this will help you decide where you want to go and what you want to do :)

    Second of all, here is a LOLcat welcome pic for ya :D

    <img src="http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/funny-pictures-kitten-has-a-noble-steed.jpg" width="80%" height="80%"></img>
  • mairabay
    hi kiscat

    I can see you have a lot of confusion inside you. It's not easy to have this crazy life that we do!

    But I'm glad you've found our site! Keep on reading the stories here and maybe they will help you work out your confusion.

    As to a place to live, I don't know how rational you are, but you could make a list of the things you want in a place and then think of which country best fits your list.
    Unfortunately there is no such thing as the "perfect country", with all the things that we love from each country together in one, so you might need to pick the one that is closest to what your ideal country would be.
    Ok, just a crazy suggestion.

    Or , if you want a more emotional decision: which country do you miss the most? :D
    which country do you feel more attached to?
    where do you have your best memories?
    I'd go for something like that (actually, I AM going for sth like that...with the mix of the rational decision as well...ok, I'm complicated...but anyway...good luck!
  • kiscat
    Thank you, Miyon.
  • kiscat,
    I am sorry to hear that you feel lost and also in a way guilty for making counselors misunderstand your parents.

    I validate how you feel. I think it's normal to feel this way--with many losses and feeling disconnected from other people.

    I am young to give you any guidance but I hope the older members on this site can offer you their insights.

    I hope to know how things go.
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