Laura Chan’s Blog: Why I don’t like Parties.
Well, as some of you may know from a previous post (“Is Being Alone Such a Bad Thing?”) I’m a bit of an introvert. I really enjoy just sitting at home alone and watching movies (if there’s a few friends there, even better!), i.e. pretty relaxed. When I go out, I like to just sit and talk with friends rather than be bold and talk to strangers or to dance on the bar, etc. However, that has changed, somewhat, due to some really outgoing friends here in China who have really helped me to “come out of my shell.” Note: none of them were from the US, all from different countries across the globe.
NOW there are US Exchange students in my Chinese class, and they invited us to go out…on a Thursday. Alright, I went with a friend (a particular male friend with whom I enjoy his company…if you can catch my drift 
). So we had a drink, chatted with the Americans (I hate to use the term “American” because it could mean North or South America…but it’s easier!), and 11:15pm came around, I’m tired (I usually go to bed at 9:30pm!) so I decided to go home. My guy friend begged me to stay until 12:00am to celebrate the birthday of one of the Americans, but I decided to leave anyway.
Why did I leave? No, it wasn’t because I was tired (Though I am while writing this…), but because I’m just *awkward* at parties, or large gatherings. I usually sit off to the side, with one or two friends, most often alone….just sitting. A few people will come by and chat with me, but they get bored (I guess) and leave. It’s even worse when I don’t know the others at the party, like this one. It just widens the gap between me and my peers, because they know I’m different when they ask the dreaded “where are you from?” question. I also feel like maybe Americans (born and raised) may not be able to relate to me.
I realize that I’m not the kind of person to initiate relationships. I can’t just walk up to someone on the street and say “Hi, I’m Laura, What’s your name?” and just be ok with it. I’ve been hurt so many times doing that, so I often wait until someone else approaches me. This is quite the opposite of the before-mentioned guy friend of mine. He CAN do that, which has also helped me to loosen up. But hanging out with Americans after not much contact with them over the past few months (and to be honest, also with the mind set that most Americans are stupid…) just brought up this whole *awkwardness at parties* syndrome that I seem to have. This also brings me back to my childhood, growing up in the Midwest US, being teased because I was the “girl from Finland.” I was nothing more. I guess I’m still not, but yet I’m not Finnish, and I’m not American; I do tend to lean more towards American at times… It kind of depends on where I am, you know? Now that I’ve been hanging out with expats (which I never get to do back in the US) made me realize that I’m both…but hanging out with Americans made me realize that I’m not one of them, which is really what I *SO longed for* growing up. (I’m a child of immigrants, aka CCK, for those of you who don’t know…) It just brought up some old scars from my childhood..
Does anyone else feel this way? If so, how have you guys dealt with it? How can I just not be *awkward* anymore around large groups of people?
June 9th, 2008 at 8:02 am
Sherrie I totally agree with you about the difference in parties depending on where they are and who is there. I may be biased from my upbringing in a former British colony, but I find European parties/conversations/humor more in tuned to my own. I also find it easier to read people from outside the US which makes it easier for me to find commonalities in attitudes and interests. My American sincerity radar is WAY off - I find it harder to read non-verbal communication and therefore my interactions are more hit or miss.
(Is this spam?)
June 9th, 2008 at 9:17 am
Good advice, Catherine. I agree with this:
“How one defines ones self determines ones ability to find that commonality. If your most defining quality is where your ‘from’, you will always find it difficult to find peers because where you are ‘from’ is so unique.
I have always found that hobbies bind people more closely than geography - music, art, collecting, etc. People who are passionate about a hobby appreciate that about you and how your uniqueness contributes to their growth in that area and vise verse.”
(Is this spam?)
June 9th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
I am learning that going out and drinking is a cultural thing and learning the motive behind this doesn’t seem to be as clear as when you observe others’ behaviors outside of bars.
Caucasians’ way of enjoying (no generalization here but what i’ve noticed at my American college) seems way off compared to how the Asians do it here. Maybe that is why I see bars mostly filled with Caucasians while Asian international students gather in small groups in apartments, having icebreaking games, drinking past healthy level.
(Is this spam?)
June 9th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
I am quite similar in this respect. i am introverted and a very boring person to have at parties, and am fairly poor at initiating conversation or making culturally relevant jokes.
I have found ways of coping with it, though. I have joined the outdoor adventure club here at university(in the US) and have had meet ups with people that play cricket and so on. This gives me the opportunity to talk about something else other than the ‘from’ question, and makes it easier to come out of my shell. I am still not where i want to be, but it is a start that I can build on. Find something you enjoy and do it with others who enjoy that. I personally(in the US, mind you) find that going on camping trips really breaks the ice well, as it forces people to work together, and campfire chats are a source of irresistible conversation. but whatever it is you enjoy, there is likely the chance that someone else likes it, too.
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 7:54 am
SWEET I LIKE THIS! because i despise parties too, especially American house parties and I shall explain why!
I totally agree with the going up to random people and say hi thing. It just feels so artificial and fake to do that…It’s like…what’s your purpose? To make friends or to get me drunk and drugged and arrested? Well obviously that’s not the case in most situations but I don’t know… Making new friends at parties just seem totally insincere to me. Because the truth is, a lot of people go simply to climb the social ladders. The entire party atmosphere is just fake… I mean if you make real good sincere friends, shouldn’t you be doing that when you participate in arts and club activities where you actually work together and have similar interests? At a party… how do I know where you are coming from and who you are?? and honestly even my mom thinks North Americans don’t know how to party. Even she agrees that all they do is get drunk and play loud music. Which is to be honest…very true. and i have no idea why they think it’s fun…
but the weird thing is I have absolutely no problem with club parties in Asia. Because most people who go are TCKs who go to International Schools. And it feels just differnet, it doesn’t feel like we are social climbing on each other, it just feels liks…we are TCKs, there’s only so few of us in one town, so yah, our party is all inclusive, you are welcome as long as you come, we are automatically friends even if we don’t go through the awkward “hi what’s your name…ummm why shud I tell you.” It’s just nicer and less fake. and there’s not reli much of the worry of breaking the host’s million-dollar vase or something.
(Is this spam?)