Just what is wrong with me?

Posted by Greeneaglz on November 7th, 2008 | Categorized as General Forum | 169 views and 4 Comments

There are times in your life when all of the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle which have been sitting in the box are finally put on the table and you start to put them together. Firstly the edges, then the area that are easy and then finally the boring areas of sky or water where there are few features to help you place them, just the shape to guide you. You try forcing pieces together sometimes but even if you make one fit, you find you still have to make it fit elsewhere.

Strangely enough I found that recently, going through a tough time at home with my wife, i began with the help of others to put those pieces together and see some of the picture that the jigsaw puzzle of life presents us with. It started when my wife turned round to me and said ” I don’t love you anymore and I don’t want to be with you”. I was devestated and felt the rejection immediately.

Little did i know but I was to eventually figure out that for years I have been having episodes of panic and feelings that life was somehow getting out of control. You guessed it, this was one of those times. I cant express how physically painful the next few weeks were. I had gone through similar experiences before, even been to the doctor, been diagnosed with irritable bowel, complained of chest pains, of feeling like i had some sort of virus or flu. My face and neck felt like they had been set on fire, I had the feeling of pins and needles down my arms and  I felt I wanted to run away from it all or somehow end the bodily and mental pain I was going through. The problems with irritable bowel flared up again as did problems with a build up of wind and tiolet problems. And every time I would think about it all the pain in my face and the pins and needles returned.

It was then after doing some research that I found out what was wrong with me. I was having issues with anxiety and they were leading to Panic attacks and they would lead to depression. Now I knew my “enemy” I was determined to do something about it. My first port of calls were to talk to a TCK who had been going through similar issues with anxiety and to talk to my doctor. I had learned that keeping such things to yourself was dangerous and with their help I was able to start dealing with the problem.

Suprisingly enough most of us will go through times in our lives when we feel things are getting out of hand and we cant cope with them. I think for TCK’s thats even more the case. We have times when decisions for ourselves are taken out of our hands or even forced on us. It is then that we often feel we are loosing control of our lives.

So, the big question I know you are wanting to ask is “How are you dealing with it?”

Well firstly I did a few things that I soon found did not work at all. One was to try and reason with my wife. That didnt work. Just going over the reasons why she felt that way just made things even worse. What I did do was mentally and emotionally try and let go of the situation. Whether she leaves me or stays with me I was going to be O.K. However unfair or misunderstood, I was not going to make the situation something that was going to ruin my life. I wasn’t going to blame myself for the situation but I was determined to work at being the best person I could be, be a good father to my children and give my wife space to work out her feelings.

I had realised through advice from others and the things that I had tried already that if I spent my time and energy wanting my wife to see reason or trying to pursuade her that her feelings were wrong, it would only make things worse as her negative feelings were driving her. By letting her have her space and not getting bitter and resentful or feeling rejected, I had a better chance of getting her emotions back on my side. It would be nice to have her love me and feel wanted, but it was not going to be something I had to have. The best way to love her was to let her be herself and show that I was still there if she changed her mind.

I do not know what will happen in the future but thankfully I have come to terms with it and no longer feel the symptoms of panic I had been having. I am getting help dealing with the anxiety and any panic attacks I may get and whether my wife leaves me or not, I am happy being me and I am able to care for others again without feeling that things are out of control.

As an adult TCK myself I know that times in my past have driven me to panic and anxiety with feelings of being trapped and life being out of my control. But now I have learned that with help from others and with the right attitude I can see such times through. I feel now that a weight has been lifed off my shoulders as at times I have felt that I was loosing my mind but now I know I can cope in such situations and I can work at dealing with them correctly.

Paul

Hi, My name is Paul. I Spent the first 14 years of my life growing up in Nigeria. My parents worked at a hospital at Vom in Plateau State and I went to a school called Hillcrest. I am married with 3 children, the youngest of which is deaf and the middle son has attention defecit hyperactivity disorder. I work in computers and accounts.