Is being alone such a bad thing?
As I have recently discovered that I am a TCK, the research has shown that TCK’s are very independent, and at times, I can be a sort of extreme of that.
I was an only child, and did not have many friends. So I often made up things for me to do by myself. I’d make up storylines that my Barbies would act out, I would pretend I was Sailor Moon and defeat the forces of evil, etc. I guess that’s why I’m so creative. *shrug*
But my point is, at times I just can’t STAND people. They drive me crazy! Sometimes, it’s the ridiculous coasties (those from the east or west coast of the US, that attend my school in leggings, ugg boots and ridiculously large hand bags) that float around my campus, or really cute guys that would never give me the time of day, or even just the sheer presence of others just makes me feel claustrophobic. So at least once a day (often times more), I just need some time to be alone to just read, or watch a movie/tv, etc. or else I will lose my mind. This became VERY evident when I worked at a summer camp this summer. We were just going non-stop and I literally HAD to use my time off every day to be by myself, or else I would explode on the wee ickle kids.
Is this so strange? That I just can’t deal with being around people so much? But yet, at times I get extremely lonely, especially late at night. Is this the curse of being a Third Culture Kid? Is this what I get for not belonging in neither my adopted country nor my home country? That since I don’t belong in either of the two, I’ll just be by myself, where no one can bother me…
So if you see me in the cafeteria with a book under my arm, sorry. That means that I don’t want to eat with you.
January 22nd, 2008 at 4:11 pm
I am definitely an introvert. I need my alone time. I like being around people, but after a while I feel tired and crabby and have to go be alone for a while. I also tend to want to turn down invitations, but I try to accept a few of them so that people don’t stop inviting me — I think friendships are worth the work it takes, even though socializing is hard work for me.
Strangely, I do really like having people over.
I live currently in a culture where it is considered bad or “anti-social” to act like an introvert. There are introverts and shy people here, though. I feel sorry for them. At least I have the perspective of other cultures to know that this is just a personality trait and there’s nothing wrong with me.
And like others have said, I do have a rich inner life. I like myself, so it isn’t uncomfortable for me to be alone. (Plus I didn’t grow up in a large family with no alone time.)
(Is this spam?)
January 22nd, 2008 at 4:13 pm
used to be the most introverted introvert. and then I was forced into some leadership positions that included a lot of face time and teaching. and then I moved into teaching, interpreting, and hosting an average of 16 hrs a day. when I got home, I didn’t want to see anyone. I was extroverted the entire day, but when I got home (and I lived with about 10 other people) I just wanted to shut the door and listen to the silence. later I was told I was rude and I was expected to converse and chat with foreigners and nationals until everyone went to bed: a group-building thing, you know?
I appreciate my silence, my alone time. I also greatly appreciate a person who is comfortable sitting in the same space as me, in absolute silence.
I wouldn’t call myself an introvert anymore, but other people would describe me as one: I don’t talk much, I watch. But when I talk, I mean what I say, and it’s not just verbal sewage coming on.
I think it has to do with tcks, absolutely. we’ve been through our stuff, and most of our life experiences cannot be explained or shared with most other people (if any). we also need a breather from the labelers
and the ‘home’ people (ie North American lethargy/ignorance/expectations) and the ‘field’ people (”liar… you are so ‘American’!”). I think being in other cultures, in many cultures, creates a new dimension in our characters and personalities. I was just told today (by an authority figure, of course) that I was too independent and insubmissive. Maybe to a ‘yes sir’ ‘no sir’ culture… to people who don’t understand that I’ve survived by my gut instinct for the past many years, to people who don’t know where I’m coming from or why (and never ask for some strange reason). I think this dimension doesn’t exist in people who’ve never been outside their own culture (be it familial, national, racial, etc).
A friend of mine and I were talking today about mixed marriages (she’s Canadian, married a Colombian)… how (for example) a white guy marries a white girl and they say how hard marriage is and how much hassle it is to get married (how expensive, etc). and they didn’t even marry out of the country. Say Canadian and American. A little more difficult. Say European and American. A little more culture there. Say cross-racial. A lot more culture. Say cross-racial and cross-cultural and cross-large-water-bodies (never mind cross-financial status, social status, or world status [ie 1st world, 3rd world, etc]). A lot more difficult. A whole new perspective, experience, and personality-changer. A white guy and a white girl will never understand that: their experience will be all that they understand. And none of us can expect them to understand… that’s as far as their paradigms go!
And those people will judge. Count on it. Got an email from a pastor in leadership who married one of his own, lives in a first world country, and has been to a third world country several times. He said, “we are very disappointed…”. Never asked questions or explanation or background. Judgment. Don’t ask me why. There are some people–even people that matter–who will never get it, never get you. I haven’t decided what to do with the people that matter… they matter, so you can’t just move on and forget that they exist…
so I think we all have reason to be a little introverted and like our silence and thinking time and alone time. absolutely.
(Is this spam?)
January 23rd, 2008 at 6:32 am
“when I got home, I didn’t want to see anyone.”
That’s how I feel every day after work. My friend just asked me if I wanted to go to a mixer tonight and I said no because I was too tired. He called me lame *shrug* I’ve been “lame” all my life, what’s new?
I am happy being at home, in the comfort of my zone and just chill…what’s better than that? :p
(Is this spam?)
January 23rd, 2008 at 9:20 am
not a darn thing.
if that’s what the dr calls for, right?
(Is this spam?)
February 26th, 2008 at 9:41 am
yesss!! there’s more poeple like me!! lol
I have no idea what I am…introvert, extrovert..whatever.
I LOVE being around people. I especially love watching them. I don’t need to be the center of attention..and I don’t really mind if I’m in a large group and nobody really talks to me. I enjoy seeing how others interact. HOWEVER, there are times when I am surrounded but lots of people and “fun”, and I just or watch and feel like I live in a world of my own..not really connecting with the rest.Still, most of the time I have a lot of fun around others, i laugh, i can get pretty loud, and i talk a lot.
I also LOVE being alone. I don’t get bored..I read, journal, listen to music, or do what others interpret a waste of time: I sit to think/meditate. My mom has always done this a lot. She’d just sit at home in the mornings looking out the window and when we asked what she was going she’d say she was just thinking or meditating.
However I need to have a balance. I get sick of people if I’m around them too much…and if I don’t have the choice of leaving then physically, then I withdraw mentally and emotionally. I just float away with my mind. On the other hand if I’m alone for too long I get really sad and I need to see someone.
Like someone else said earlier, I really appreciate it when someone can sit with me and enjoy the quiet. This is something that I love about my mom. We can share the same space in silence for a very long time and it’s not awkward at all. With other people I can tell that they’re uncomfortable and they just say anything to break the ice.
Sometimes I feel really weird because pretty much every area of my life is made up of “opposites”. I guess this is how it is for everbody, but for me the “opposite feelings” are SUPER strong. either I REALLY want to be alone or I REALLY want to be with people….I’m scared of having a bf..he’ll prob. think i’m nuts..lol
but oh well.
at least i’m not the only one.
(Is this spam?)
February 27th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
I have a question for folks related to this topic. I’m curious to know if people are more likely to relate to this feeling if they don’t have a close-knit family.
I had a couple of older brothers and a younger sister, but the age spread was such that I learned to entertain myself, and we weren’t a particularly huggy family either. Either as a result of this atmosphere, or perhaps just genetics, I relate to the stories I hear on this site far better than I do to my family. So I’m interested to know, in a nature-vs-nurture line of thinking, if there is any correlation between the formative family years and the need to be a hermit sometimes.
To add my $0.02 (NZD) to the initial author, I can’t stand people sometimes either, and have friends who’re similar. Don’t sweat it, you’re in good company! (or, rather, you’re NOT in good company I suppose, but the person hiding out in the next cave over can relate!)
(Is this spam?)
February 27th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
hmm…Jerry you’re right. I don’t come from a close knit family either…lol
My mom and sister are arriving in a week but I haven’t seen my mom for 5 years! People from close huggy families will never understand and think this is insane!
People from ‘huggy families’ criticize this, but I’ve seen people go mental because they couldn’t handle being alone and I don’t think this is a good thing either.
(Is this spam?)
February 27th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
You touch upon an interesting point Ayako. This inability of some people to be alone with their thoughts.
I’ve talked with other friends about this, and we’re not sure if it’s getting worse, or just more visible, but we question the long term affects of people who go from friends to the television to the stereo to the ipod to the cell phone with out any kind of break. It’s not uncommon on campus these days to see friends walking together, each on the cell phone with someone else.
Not to say all cell phone, ipod, and other media usage is bad, but it concerns me the number of people who can’t seem to be alone with their thoughts. Of course, I’m on the “love to be alone with my thoughts” brigade, but I’m hard-pressed to believe it’s somehow healthier to be incapable of being alone. And I wonder then, is it an insecurity issue on their part to label the loner types as weirdos.
(Is this spam?)
February 27th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Hmmm.
In my case, I think I carry a bit of it all. I’m not that close with my family, even though my mother was the huggy sort, and still is. And I did learn to entertain myself, and I’m perfectly at home with my thoughts (which is why I write so damn much).
But also because of that, I really enjoy and value the company of friends, to the point that it bothers my parents. It’s a bit unfair, but what you feel is what you feel, right?
Anyway, while I’m at home on my own, I’m also at home with other people. Sometimes people are far too interesting to not learn more about.
(Is this spam?)
May 29th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Sorry to resurrect a dead post! But I just had to comment and tell the author that I am exactly the same!
Everything you said could be me. It’s not that I can’t stand people… yes it is, who am I kidding. I constantly get frustrated with people. Not friends as much, but yes I do need a lot of alone time. And I seriously think that some of the new friends I’ve made here in Guadalajara since I moved here in January think that I hate them because I constantly decline invites out or I don’t answer my phone. I do like spending time with them, I don’t decline all, but my alone time is my alone time.
And for when I’m in public, I usually have my ipod on pretty loud to drown out the public so I can sort of feel alone. For instance right now: I’m taking a break from studying at Starbuck’s and am currently listening to music.
I feel so much better now reading this thread :). I thought it was just me, or that I was a horrible person some how…
-Kirk
P.S. Also an only child here!
(Is this spam?)