Is being alone such a bad thing?
As I have recently discovered that I am a TCK, the research has shown that TCK’s are very independent, and at times, I can be a sort of extreme of that.
I was an only child, and did not have many friends. So I often made up things for me to do by myself. I’d make up storylines that my Barbies would act out, I would pretend I was Sailor Moon and defeat the forces of evil, etc. I guess that’s why I’m so creative. *shrug*
But my point is, at times I just can’t STAND people. They drive me crazy! Sometimes, it’s the ridiculous coasties (those from the east or west coast of the US, that attend my school in leggings, ugg boots and ridiculously large hand bags) that float around my campus, or really cute guys that would never give me the time of day, or even just the sheer presence of others just makes me feel claustrophobic. So at least once a day (often times more), I just need some time to be alone to just read, or watch a movie/tv, etc. or else I will lose my mind. This became VERY evident when I worked at a summer camp this summer. We were just going non-stop and I literally HAD to use my time off every day to be by myself, or else I would explode on the wee ickle kids.
Is this so strange? That I just can’t deal with being around people so much? But yet, at times I get extremely lonely, especially late at night. Is this the curse of being a Third Culture Kid? Is this what I get for not belonging in neither my adopted country nor my home country? That since I don’t belong in either of the two, I’ll just be by myself, where no one can bother me…
So if you see me in the cafeteria with a book under my arm, sorry. That means that I don’t want to eat with you.
Laura
Well, I was born in Finland in 1988, lived in Germany for a year (when I was 1 year old, so I don't remember...does that count?) and then when I was 2 I moved to the US. I've lived in Finland for a year for a "foreign exchange" though I lived with my uncle's family, and I've spent a semester in China learning Chinese. (My fourth language, after English-of course, Finnish, German-studied for 6 years) OH! And I'm also a big anime fan, and I love Japanese, Italian, Finnish, and Chinese food. :)Related Posts
32 Comments to “Is being alone such a bad thing?”
December 5th, 2007 at 9:00 pm
I do not think being alone is a bad thing, in fact I am like you I like a LOT of alone time. I don’t get sick of people though, I actually like being around them but I do need my alone time.
And yes I feel lonely too when I am “too” alone. It’s an odd feeling. I can’t even explain it myself.
I know this didn’t answer your question but just want to let you know that you are not alone - and I have to say I also thought maybe it’s the whole TCK thing that’s made me this way.
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December 5th, 2007 at 9:25 pm
Laura, I think introverts get a bad wrap. If you don’t socialize, you’re labeled as a weirdo.
There’s nothing wrong with being an introvert!!
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December 5th, 2007 at 10:18 pm
I know exactly what you mean. I need loads of alone time and I’m having a really rough time right now with my roommate. She actually lives in our room 22 hours a day, 7 days a week. I’m not exaggerating. She only leaves the room for 1 or 2 hours a day for class and then spends the rest of the day in our room, not even leaving for meals. It drives me crazy, and after 4 months of it, I’m sick of being around her lol. So now I spend most of my day in the library. For the last week I leave the room early, go to class, study in the library, hang out with people, etc, and don’t return to the room until she’s asleep lol. She probably thinks I’m being anti-social now, I don’t know, but I’m just sick of seeing her so often. I get no privacy or personal space while I’m here, so that’s one of the main reasons I can’t wait to visit my parents. Sorry to turn this into a rant lol but my roommate drives me nuts.
There’s plenty of things about her that bug me, but I can usually get past them, if only she wasn’t in the room all day. Then I start to resent her and seriously dislike her and all her bad habits like leaving the windows wide open and leaving an electric fan going when it’s -12C outside just drive me mad.
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December 5th, 2007 at 11:56 pm
Charm, she leaves the window open when it’s -12C? Can’t you reason with her? That sounds insane.
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December 6th, 2007 at 2:33 am
My roommate is like that too. The thing is that he’s not very social. Every now and then friends drop by for a little while, but otherwise he sleeps, eats, watches movies on his laptop, and wakes up for 4am calls from Colombia (his girlfriend is still there).
Anyway…
I relate in a sense in that I’m very used to being alone and can handle my interest. I’m not easily bored in that case, but I honestly really do like being around people. I’m just terrible at keeping it up, at showing “Yes, we’re friends.” People I hang out with pretty often don’t consider me in their circle sometimes, possibly because I always give that impression of distance. On the other hand, sometimes I’ve thought that and been proven wrong.
I think just my idea of what makes a friend is different from most people. For some people, just being there is enough. For others, it’s sitting through the night while they bitch about something. For some, it’s being there to share the drinks tab at a pub. But for me, friends come from meeting, from shared experience, and understanding. The last part is the hard bit, and I don’t think I ever “made” friends. It just happened, most of the time.
The truth is that I’m a bit of the opposite. I’m a person who’s used to being alone, and who most people leave alone because I don’t seem to need anyone… but now and then really want social contact. I just don’t get it sometimes, and it’s very frustrating because I can think of why, and there’s just no quick way around it.
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December 6th, 2007 at 6:47 am
I can definitely relate. I can be aloof and elitist, then lonely at night. It happens everyday. I also, have a rich inner life.
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December 6th, 2007 at 11:17 am
I can relate, too. I’ve always needed a lot of alone time, and that can conflict with my desire to have closer friends.
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December 6th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
That is exactly what I feel sometimes. I would describe myself as an extroverted Introvert. I am an introvert I love to be alone and have no problem not seeing anyone for days but when I am around people I tend to act like an extrovert for hte short time they see me then I just get so tired of people that I go crawl into my room and read for the rest of the day. Once on a trip to BC with my class from Saskatchwan we were busy all the time and then we spent a day at Missions Fest in Vancouver and all my friends thought I was wierd becasue I didn’t walk around with anyone I just looked around by myslef for a while and then went and found a quiter spot in the hall and sat by myself for the rest of the afternoon. I was just so tired of having to talk to people all the time. it works alright for me as long as I have time in the day to just be by myself. I think that is also why I tend to stay up so late becasue after everyone is in bed I get some alone time to recharge for the next day.
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December 6th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
don’t know if it is a tck thing, but i definitely like my alone time.
i am an out and out full on extrovert, but i have to have my time to myself. i lived on my own (no roomate, no boyfriend) for the first time a few years ago, i didn’t think i’d like it, i thought it would be TOO MUCH alone time. it was amazing. i mean, it was THE BEST! and i am so glad i did it since i will probably never get that again seeing as currently i live with the man i plan to marry.
i love people though, hanging out, talking or just watching them, i love that. but now and then, i just need to be alone. i LOVE going to the movies by myself. and when i say by myself, i mean it. i often plan a trip to the cinema on a tuesday at 10 a.m. basically when i know the place will be deserted, and watch the flick on my ace. NO one else in the theatre. i fucking LOVE that! after college i went on tour for 9 months with an acting group. imagine, 9 months, living, sleeping, eating, working, pooping, EVERYTING together! in the beginning we’d even spend days off together since out days off would usually be in random towns where we didnt know anyone, one day we walked into a restaurant and asked for a table for 13 and i had enough i was like ‘do we HAVE to ALL sit together???!!!’ after than we’d break up into smaller groups, i went to the movies alone a lot on days off…
my bf just went to the states for some gigs (he’s a musician) and there was a time there we thought he’d be there over christmas and new years and i had decided i was gonna spend christmas alone, something i have a done a few times before and can be really cool and medatative. he freaked at the idea of me being alone for christmas. i explained and explained, he left me alone, but i don’t think he really ever got it. anyway, turns out he’ll be here. which i am extatic about since its our first christmas together.
but maybe next year i’ll get my lonely christmas…
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December 6th, 2007 at 1:48 pm
Hey, I see lots of people have already written what I was going to write… it’s ok to be an introvert, I am too…
My freshman year of college, I would get so depressed on Friday nights because I was always in my room, alone, and I would start thinking about what a loser I was… then I started to realize that I did get invited to hang out and stuff on Friday nights, but I always turned it down, b/c after a week of constantly being with people, Friday nights were my time alone in my room, in my dorm. Now I look forward to Friday nights alone. I love being alone, it’s just so much more relaxing. you’re not alone!
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December 6th, 2007 at 3:41 pm
The downside of turning people down is that when they don’t know you they stop asking.
On the other hand I don’t really regret it…at least most of the time;)
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December 6th, 2007 at 3:59 pm
Anyone born in a large family (5 kids ) when alone time is non-existent? I once stayed with my cousins and I was really surprised… they feel extremely uncomfortable being alone, they need noise and distraction, and I was the opposite. I need my alone cat nap time!
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December 6th, 2007 at 8:54 pm
This is currently in the highest rated entries category…though it only has one vote! ^^;
Thanks for all your entries. I guess I really AM an introvert, though I’ve never thought of myself as one before. Thanks guys!
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December 6th, 2007 at 9:03 pm
Warona: i once went to see a film in LA at 11 am once when i was about 14. It was during the Northern Hemisphere’s winter — so all the kids were at school. The ticket seller thought that i was wagging and began to give me a hard time, wanting to see my school ID! I was like um… “I was born down the road from here at Cedars-Sanai Medical Centre but now i live in Australia, where it is SUMMER and so i have 2 months off. I go to school just not in THIS country!.’
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December 7th, 2007 at 3:03 am
[…] Is being alone such a bad thing? […]
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December 15th, 2007 at 3:10 am
I’m exactly the same… I can’t stand being around people too long, I need time to myself. However I’ve made a small set of close friends and that makes everything worthwhile, if it’s any consulation. Friendships can take a long time to develop, but don’t give up!
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December 21st, 2007 at 9:27 am
Well I am a person who likes their alone time, but sometimes being alone too long is too much. A balance is needed. Being alone for too long makes you depressed. On the other hand, I like having my own alone time, where I am not bothered or controlled by other people. However my situation now is pretty crap, because while i am in a country i lived in before, i know no one here and have not landed a job yet, so i am alone most of the time, which is especially bad on friday and saturday nights, when you see people going out and you’re stuck at home alone.
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December 28th, 2007 at 12:32 am
I tend to enjoy my alone time especially at the end of the year, just to reflect and plan the following year.
Anyone else do this?
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January 22nd, 2008 at 12:51 pm
The entire three last paragraphs could be written by me. Every single word of what you wrote describes me! Scary! And great at the same time
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January 22nd, 2008 at 3:40 pm
lol you know what? This is probably at the gist of the problem I’m having with the ladies here (the issue I was asking Uncle Dan to help with) :p
I don’t like being around people all the time. I am OK being alone a lot and my Moroccan friend especially doesn’t understand this at all.
She assumes it’s normal to be talking to everyone all day and all the time and if I’m not constantly calling her she thinks I’m being cold and then when I finally do call her she’s kind of nasty.
I don’t mind communicating with people via msn or mirc or in forums. I don’t HAVE to see them face to face.
I find it profoundly annoying in fact when you want to discuss things with your lawyer and he doesn’t want to do it via email because ‘it’s cold’ and then you have to meet up with him and waste a lot of time and some money - and then he starts to talk about a lot of unrelated things and everything is as clear as mud after a few hours!
Sometimes I do miss being around people if I live alone but when I see them, I’m usually sorry and am glad to be alone again :p
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January 22nd, 2008 at 4:11 pm
I am definitely an introvert. I need my alone time. I like being around people, but after a while I feel tired and crabby and have to go be alone for a while. I also tend to want to turn down invitations, but I try to accept a few of them so that people don’t stop inviting me — I think friendships are worth the work it takes, even though socializing is hard work for me.
Strangely, I do really like having people over.
I live currently in a culture where it is considered bad or “anti-social” to act like an introvert. There are introverts and shy people here, though. I feel sorry for them. At least I have the perspective of other cultures to know that this is just a personality trait and there’s nothing wrong with me.
And like others have said, I do have a rich inner life. I like myself, so it isn’t uncomfortable for me to be alone. (Plus I didn’t grow up in a large family with no alone time.)
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January 22nd, 2008 at 4:13 pm
used to be the most introverted introvert. and then I was forced into some leadership positions that included a lot of face time and teaching. and then I moved into teaching, interpreting, and hosting an average of 16 hrs a day. when I got home, I didn’t want to see anyone. I was extroverted the entire day, but when I got home (and I lived with about 10 other people) I just wanted to shut the door and listen to the silence. later I was told I was rude and I was expected to converse and chat with foreigners and nationals until everyone went to bed: a group-building thing, you know?
I appreciate my silence, my alone time. I also greatly appreciate a person who is comfortable sitting in the same space as me, in absolute silence.
I wouldn’t call myself an introvert anymore, but other people would describe me as one: I don’t talk much, I watch. But when I talk, I mean what I say, and it’s not just verbal sewage coming on.
I think it has to do with tcks, absolutely. we’ve been through our stuff, and most of our life experiences cannot be explained or shared with most other people (if any). we also need a breather from the labelers
and the ‘home’ people (ie North American lethargy/ignorance/expectations) and the ‘field’ people (”liar… you are so ‘American’!”). I think being in other cultures, in many cultures, creates a new dimension in our characters and personalities. I was just told today (by an authority figure, of course) that I was too independent and insubmissive. Maybe to a ‘yes sir’ ‘no sir’ culture… to people who don’t understand that I’ve survived by my gut instinct for the past many years, to people who don’t know where I’m coming from or why (and never ask for some strange reason). I think this dimension doesn’t exist in people who’ve never been outside their own culture (be it familial, national, racial, etc).
A friend of mine and I were talking today about mixed marriages (she’s Canadian, married a Colombian)… how (for example) a white guy marries a white girl and they say how hard marriage is and how much hassle it is to get married (how expensive, etc). and they didn’t even marry out of the country. Say Canadian and American. A little more difficult. Say European and American. A little more culture there. Say cross-racial. A lot more culture. Say cross-racial and cross-cultural and cross-large-water-bodies (never mind cross-financial status, social status, or world status [ie 1st world, 3rd world, etc]). A lot more difficult. A whole new perspective, experience, and personality-changer. A white guy and a white girl will never understand that: their experience will be all that they understand. And none of us can expect them to understand… that’s as far as their paradigms go!
And those people will judge. Count on it. Got an email from a pastor in leadership who married one of his own, lives in a first world country, and has been to a third world country several times. He said, “we are very disappointed…”. Never asked questions or explanation or background. Judgment. Don’t ask me why. There are some people–even people that matter–who will never get it, never get you. I haven’t decided what to do with the people that matter… they matter, so you can’t just move on and forget that they exist…
so I think we all have reason to be a little introverted and like our silence and thinking time and alone time. absolutely.
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January 23rd, 2008 at 6:32 am
“when I got home, I didn’t want to see anyone.”
That’s how I feel every day after work. My friend just asked me if I wanted to go to a mixer tonight and I said no because I was too tired. He called me lame *shrug* I’ve been “lame” all my life, what’s new?
I am happy being at home, in the comfort of my zone and just chill…what’s better than that? :p
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January 23rd, 2008 at 9:20 am
not a darn thing.
if that’s what the dr calls for, right?
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February 26th, 2008 at 9:41 am
yesss!! there’s more poeple like me!! lol
I have no idea what I am…introvert, extrovert..whatever.
I LOVE being around people. I especially love watching them. I don’t need to be the center of attention..and I don’t really mind if I’m in a large group and nobody really talks to me. I enjoy seeing how others interact. HOWEVER, there are times when I am surrounded but lots of people and “fun”, and I just or watch and feel like I live in a world of my own..not really connecting with the rest.Still, most of the time I have a lot of fun around others, i laugh, i can get pretty loud, and i talk a lot.
I also LOVE being alone. I don’t get bored..I read, journal, listen to music, or do what others interpret a waste of time: I sit to think/meditate. My mom has always done this a lot. She’d just sit at home in the mornings looking out the window and when we asked what she was going she’d say she was just thinking or meditating.
However I need to have a balance. I get sick of people if I’m around them too much…and if I don’t have the choice of leaving then physically, then I withdraw mentally and emotionally. I just float away with my mind. On the other hand if I’m alone for too long I get really sad and I need to see someone.
Like someone else said earlier, I really appreciate it when someone can sit with me and enjoy the quiet. This is something that I love about my mom. We can share the same space in silence for a very long time and it’s not awkward at all. With other people I can tell that they’re uncomfortable and they just say anything to break the ice.
Sometimes I feel really weird because pretty much every area of my life is made up of “opposites”. I guess this is how it is for everbody, but for me the “opposite feelings” are SUPER strong. either I REALLY want to be alone or I REALLY want to be with people….I’m scared of having a bf..he’ll prob. think i’m nuts..lol
but oh well.
at least i’m not the only one.
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February 27th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
I have a question for folks related to this topic. I’m curious to know if people are more likely to relate to this feeling if they don’t have a close-knit family.
I had a couple of older brothers and a younger sister, but the age spread was such that I learned to entertain myself, and we weren’t a particularly huggy family either. Either as a result of this atmosphere, or perhaps just genetics, I relate to the stories I hear on this site far better than I do to my family. So I’m interested to know, in a nature-vs-nurture line of thinking, if there is any correlation between the formative family years and the need to be a hermit sometimes.
To add my $0.02 (NZD) to the initial author, I can’t stand people sometimes either, and have friends who’re similar. Don’t sweat it, you’re in good company! (or, rather, you’re NOT in good company I suppose, but the person hiding out in the next cave over can relate!)
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February 27th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
hmm…Jerry you’re right. I don’t come from a close knit family either…lol
My mom and sister are arriving in a week but I haven’t seen my mom for 5 years! People from close huggy families will never understand and think this is insane!
People from ‘huggy families’ criticize this, but I’ve seen people go mental because they couldn’t handle being alone and I don’t think this is a good thing either.
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February 27th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
You touch upon an interesting point Ayako. This inability of some people to be alone with their thoughts.
I’ve talked with other friends about this, and we’re not sure if it’s getting worse, or just more visible, but we question the long term affects of people who go from friends to the television to the stereo to the ipod to the cell phone with out any kind of break. It’s not uncommon on campus these days to see friends walking together, each on the cell phone with someone else.
Not to say all cell phone, ipod, and other media usage is bad, but it concerns me the number of people who can’t seem to be alone with their thoughts. Of course, I’m on the “love to be alone with my thoughts” brigade, but I’m hard-pressed to believe it’s somehow healthier to be incapable of being alone. And I wonder then, is it an insecurity issue on their part to label the loner types as weirdos.
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February 27th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Hmmm.
In my case, I think I carry a bit of it all. I’m not that close with my family, even though my mother was the huggy sort, and still is. And I did learn to entertain myself, and I’m perfectly at home with my thoughts (which is why I write so damn much).
But also because of that, I really enjoy and value the company of friends, to the point that it bothers my parents. It’s a bit unfair, but what you feel is what you feel, right?
Anyway, while I’m at home on my own, I’m also at home with other people. Sometimes people are far too interesting to not learn more about.
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May 29th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Sorry to resurrect a dead post! But I just had to comment and tell the author that I am exactly the same!
Everything you said could be me. It’s not that I can’t stand people… yes it is, who am I kidding. I constantly get frustrated with people. Not friends as much, but yes I do need a lot of alone time. And I seriously think that some of the new friends I’ve made here in Guadalajara since I moved here in January think that I hate them because I constantly decline invites out or I don’t answer my phone. I do like spending time with them, I don’t decline all, but my alone time is my alone time.
And for when I’m in public, I usually have my ipod on pretty loud to drown out the public so I can sort of feel alone. For instance right now: I’m taking a break from studying at Starbuck’s and am currently listening to music.
I feel so much better now reading this thread :). I thought it was just me, or that I was a horrible person some how…
-Kirk
P.S. Also an only child here!
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May 29th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
Kirk: If you feel OK yourself then don’t let other people make this into an issue.
Especially if you can interact with people without beating them senseless or showing anti-social behavior. What’s wrong with getting away from it all for periods when you need to chill?
People/society want to make everything into an issue. If they sniff out anything different they will try to convince you there is ’something wrong with you’, i.e. you read too much and why aren’t you a football player or cheerleader and why aren’t you the most popular guy/girl in school?
But as far as I’m concerned:
Something wrong is when you are hooked on drugs so much you fail to go into work and start stealing to pay for your habit. Something wrong is when you are so anti-social you go LOOKING for people to beat them up. Something wrong is when you are reduced to a nervous wreck because you had to spend one night in your apartment alone and go to night clubs just so you can pick up any stranger to sleep with you. Something wrong is when you can’t balance your checkbook at all and run into the nearest shopping mall and spend all your money there so that you can’t buy food…every month.
Let’s learn to separate ‘problems’ that threaten to ruin your life and the ‘differences’ we have from other people.
What are we supposed to be? Gingerbread men cut out of identical cookie cutters?
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May 31st, 2008 at 9:00 am
Very very true, and thank you for the support :). And I can interact well with people and be kind to them, even though in my head I might be telling them off or yelling at them to control their kids, etc…
And no, I don’t think I’d like being a gingerbread man :P.
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