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Insecurities and confidence

Cynthia

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Cynthia

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I do not remember seeing  a thread like this but if there was please excuse me for repeating it.

Insecurites and confidence, so, sensitive subjects.  I am sure as regular independent human beings we do not like to find out we are insecure because it makes us appear weak and dependent no?  At least in my experience.

I have a somewhat almost sickening independence and stubborness.  I do not like it when people point out my weakness especially after it took me a while to build up that  confidence that if someone points out something about me that I am sensitive about I get very defensive and will hate that person for a long time LOL  Ok maybe not that bad but it has come to a point where I feel they are just too much for me to handle.

As a teenager I think I was quite insecure but didn’t realize it until later.  I recalled my memories and now thinking back I just find it quite funny how I had acted and reacted.

I remembered once in high school I had a conversation with my mom about my cousins.  Now before I go on I’d like to clarify to you my psychological state during that time.  I was indeed an insecure teen.  I was shy and nervous when talking to people (especially the male gender) and don’t like to be in the middle of the attention.  I like to do my own thing and rather not be involved in other stuff.  However, this did not keep me from wanting to be popular, yet I couldn’t get myself to be more “outgoing”.  I always felt second to everyone even though my grades were good and I was complimented and praised a lot.  That didn’t help me crawl out of my shell.  I was a conflicting teen.  I wanted to be in the spotlight and yet I couldn’t get myself to do it and I get jealous if other people tend to “do better” than me.

Now this conversation I had with my mom.  After you read it you’d think that was kinda stupid and I don’t blame you for that, I think about it now and I realized it was pretty stupid LOL  But hey we all went through a phase right?  So we were talking about my cousins and how much they have grown up (I’ve always had the impression that they were a lot younger LOL  But in actuality they’re 2 and 3 years younger than me) and my mom was telling me they’ve grown really tall and mature and all.  Both my aunt and uncle are tall people so it wasn’t suprising that my cousins who were once shorter than me have caught up and gone past me (I’m 5′2″ btw).  And that’s when I broke down.  I guess I had a bad week before that or something but whatever it is it broke something in me.  And my mom was surprised (and so did I) to find that I got upset because my cousins have grown taller!  I broke down so badly that our driver was shocked and was like “Is everything ok??”  Haha…

Realizing this my mom actually went an consulting physicians what I can take to help grow taller LOL  And she bought some sort of calcium tablets  for me to take over a fixed period of time, and of course it didn’t help LOL  Now I think back I just laugh at that episode of my life, it’s embarrassing too XD

I guess I’ve always held myself in a pretty high pedestal in my head and that was the only way for me to have any confidence.   And anything small can shatter that.

I don’t know if this comes with being a TCK but I really was one of the most insecure kid you’d ever meet but I never show it or acknowledge it and actually believed that I was ok until I went to college and realized I really wasn’t what I thought I was.


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July 23, 2008 | Filed Under General Forum, Stories 

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11 Responses to “Insecurities and confidence”

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  1. 11
    Os
    Os Says:
    November 1st, 2008 (3 weeks ago) at 4:30 pm

    AnOutsider wrote “oscilate”. Ha, ha!

    Ok, here we go…

    When I attended a weekend TCK outing, after everyone had pretty much gotten passed the whole, “OMG, I’m a what!?” thing, the dark side of being a TCK began to creep its head out of the shadows.

    Having insecurities and not wanting do admit them, is natural for anyone. For TCKs it becomes a bit more complicated, because we have to weigh the difference of whether our exposure to this big bad world is a benefit, or a curse.

    While we all sit here and think;

    “Geeze, my life would have never had so much great insight of the way our world actually works, and that most of my opportunities would have never happened if I had missed out on this.”

    The other little voice inside of us likes to point out something we tend to tune out of our sub/conscious mind;

    “You know that racism exists everywhere. You’ve seen merciless violence happen to innocent people. You know that this big beautiful thing you call “life” can be harsh, brutal, and merciless.”

    While we sat and pointed out how lucky we were being aware of our TCKness, we also had to cringe in fear that we saw coup attempts, genocide, war, despair, famine, and many, many other horrible things that even now I cannot process.

    So I write to you this: As a TCK, you have opened your eyes to the greatest, scariest thing that not many have had the courage to acknowledge: THE TRUTH.

    I’d rather know the truth of life than to live in a la la land of cultural blindfolds. Your insecurity isn’t insecure at all. It’s honest. Brutally honest. The fact that you let yourself doubt this gift that life has given you, you cannot ignore the truth that lies behind it either.

    There is no oscillation between the two. They need each other to be the truth, the insight, the facts that they are. Being a TCK is not a weakness, but almost a superhero/villan wrapped into one.

    Comic artists have always blurred this line by creating characters like Galactus that could save the universe, but survived by devouring them at the same time.

    In some ways, this is what being a TCK has done to you. You know that you could change the world in ways most people would never consider, but that at the same time, the world is terribly broken.

    It’s okay. You’re not alone. We’re there with you. We too, know what it feels like, and that not many people around you will ever understand.

    But we do.

    So relax, take a few deep breaths, and enjoy this dark sunlight that shines upon you. One day, you’ll figure out how to share this with the ones you truly love. As for those who question your “insecurities” of being a TCK, they’ll never know what it’s like to truly see the way you know life.

    Let the TCK goggles work their magic. You’ll never be insecure about trusting the one thing you have always had, and will never let go of you.

    (Is this spam?)

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