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I need friends… I’m so lonely I could cry
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My five year relationship ended, and I’m encountering a problem: all of my friends were his best friends. Add to the mix my one close friend is now married with a kid on the other side of the country, and my social life has dwindled down to nothing, and I’m incredibly lonely.
The problem is, I have no really good friends of my own. Everyone has a huge circle of friends with back stories, high school/college adventures, and a kind of camaraderie that I never had. I want that kind of camaraderie, and a wider circle of people in which to travel. I want to be able to call up a friend to go to the movies, or go to another friend’s house, or just talk.
I’ve tried the join a group/go to the gym/etc route but I didn’t do too well. How on earth do I do this? I feel like the longer I’m alone the harder it will be to get out of this, but I have no idea as to how to begin…
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July 13th, 2008 at 2:51 am
It’s always difficult when a relationship ends, especially if you’ve put all your eggs in one basket and you lose your friends with your partner.
I’m sorry you have to go through this.
“I’ve tried the join a group/go to the gym/etc route but I didn’t do too well.”
These are all the things people tell you to do in a situation like this but what if you’re not interested in the things they’re doing in those ‘classes’ or in going to the gym?
It’s best if you can find something you really like doing though I’m sure it’s difficult to think of anything that might seem enjoyable at this point in time in your life.
You could also take classes where you can learn a skill that will be useful if ‘enjoyment’ just seems too far away?
This way if you don’t meet anyone interesting at the ‘class’ you won’t come out of it empty handed.
Which country and city are you in anyway?
It’s more difficult to meet people in some places rather than others.
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July 13th, 2008 at 7:36 am
Hi anonymous,
Sorry to hear you are having problems with making friends.
Probably the hardest time emotionally is when a long term relationship has ended. There is a lot of emotions to deal with. Sounds difficult for you having to try and make relationships again.
Here are a few suggestions.
Firstly, if you find some people you feel you can be friends with, try and be yourself and dont try and be something you are not to impress them. That way you can relax and not feel you have to impress them. Fewer problems too in the long run.
Secondly, dont start by being defeatist, something quite common when a relationship has failed. “Poor me, ill never be able to make friends again”. You can almost guarantee that you wont make any friends with such and attitude. Yep you can and will make new friends.
Be a friend to make good friends. If someone needs help or is struggling with issues help them out. Also if someone wants to be generous or helpful to you, dont be too self reliant but let them. Yep let them get some satisfaction out of helping you, even if you could have done it yourself. Helping others or letting them help you is a good way to build relationships.
Ok, if you struggle with making friends in real life, at least make a few online friends so that you can at least discuss your issues and problems with someone and get advice. Dont feel you have to go through hard times on your own. There are others who will also be looking to make friends like you.
Although you may be finding it difficult at the moment, perhaps write down your feelings and concerns, or write a bit of poetry about it. You can then at least express some of those feelings and not keep them to yourself.
Hopefully these will give you a better chance of making friends and the last few tips should hopefully keep you a bit more emotionally stable when you meet new people.
Just remember, dont put yourself down, believe in your ability to meet new people and make new friends.
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July 13th, 2008 at 10:15 am
I’m sorry to hear that, anonymous…. where do you live? Add me as a friend and I’ll introduce you to some people.
Here’s my MSN bricethecat @ hotmail.com
Ayako and Paul gave some good suggestions.
Where can you make friends?
The problem with the gym, church, and such groups is the same people don’t always show up. You have to see the same group regularly, so there is a commitment involved.
I think the best places are at work, school, or any paid activity group that you attend regularly.
Making friends happens with repeat exposure.
The best way to create your own social circle is when there is a commitment to attend regularly. When a meetup is a free for example, you won’t necessarily see the same folks next week. People may be busy, have other plans, and it’s easy to change them and not show up.
Which is why most friendships happen at work, school, or paid activity groups because you actually have to show up regularly.
Ah, I can’t wait until we can have TCK hostels and meetups all over the world… what do you guys think?
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July 13th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
brice is totally right. Plus, those associations are deprived of TCKs. Also you should always choose associaitions with activities that you truly are interested in because it’s so much easier to make friends with people of common interest. I make so many friends at theatre training programs just because we are all obsessed with the same thing.
I don’t really know how old you are, and it sounds like you are older than me so I think your situation is probably very different with mine.
and a suggestion for the future which you probably already understood is that…don’t let anything be dependent on bfs. It’s so important to have everything of your own.
I LIKE THE TCK HOSTEL MEETUP idea!
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July 13th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Everyone above me has valid points.
But I would also like to point something out - the importance of having your own friends/interests outside of an intimate relationship. As wonderful as an ex and there world may be, it’s important to still be a “nomad” and go exploring on your own for your own adventures. We know better than anyone that nothing is permanant except change itself.
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