I really empathize with you. I think the fact that you are even asking the question is very significant..... I say "Yes" you are "normal"...why, because you feel the way you do!

I have come the realization that most of the people closet to me (wife and 4 kids) will probably never truly "get me" or really understand why I think the way I do or have such deep feelings about certain things because unless they experience another culture the way you and I did, I can't expect them to understand.

Asking them to understand is the wrong question to ask..... Getting them to understand is the wrong approach. Hoping they will someday understand isn't very realistic. Does that mean they are wrong or somehow intolerant ?? No! I do not believe so. They are innocently ignorant. So, you manage your own expectations of those around you. You be a loving person by demonstrating your unusual empathetic skills (developed as a TCK) on those that should in fact be the ones that should be using theirs on you!! Does that make sense?? You now become the Influencer, not the one that keeps hoping to be understood....Personally, I don't ever expect that I will ever get over the fact that I had this incredible overseas exeperience, and I will always feel grateful that I can feel so deeply about that experience. But, I don't wallow in that self-pity hope anymore, I have tried to create new memories with the "locals" and in quiet moments I stay connected to my "global village" of friends through Web 2.0 and other methods to scratch that itch. It won't ever go away, and I think that is ok.....do you?
Not sure if this was useful, but it helps me to explain my feelings.

#1: say you're a musician, and you go to a party, and the people there don't really know that much about music -- maybe one guy took lessons on guitar when he was young, but he hasn't played in years. after a couple of hours, wouldn't you want to ditch the party and go hang out with your musician friends who can joke and talk about music at a level similar to yours?

you are not a weirdo for wanting to be able to joke and talk about the itinerant life with people who are at your level. it is who we are, it's not a hobby or an anecdote. that said...

#2: when i was living in mali i banged my head against the proverbial wall for a year trying to convince my host family that i could be like them. and then i woke up. i am not like them and i will never be "LIKE" them, but i can be me with them and vice versa and we can learn from each other and respect each other, and perhaps mimic each other, but we can never be like each other. they even have a proverb about that: "a log in the water never becomes a crocodile"

the point is, it might be best, and has been in my case, to accept the role of outsider or wanderer because it is what it is. i want the people closest to me to know i'm not like them (unless of course, i am); it helps readjust their expectations, which, i sense that most people here can agree, looking like you belong somewhere is the hardest part of not belonging.

like the song says... "if you can't be with the one[s] you love, honey, love the one[s] you're with..."

p.s. use the library! i dunno, just seems that wherever i go, the library makes me feel like i belong. :)

Ok, When I finally moved back to the US for the last time, I found that I got along with everyone. Slowely I found that everyone was more interested in themselves and their own life with little true desire to know about other people's lives. I get talked AT most of the time and people HEAR me speak. I do happen to be a good source of useless information, but I would wish that people I encounter on a daily basis would be a bit More interested. I work customer service and I've had people actually act like I called their mother something just because I was tired or something and went the whole routine without saying hello and have a nice day. Yes, I'm sure I should say that to everyone, but to yell at me "have a nice day" or "your welcome" just because I either didn't say it or they simply didn't hear me say it is rather selfish in my book. That said, I deal with thousands of personalities a day and no one has taken me over the edge....yet ;-)

I too am always considered the outsider. It can get very lonely especially when you meet other foreigners that do give you comfort of conversation and togetherness, but it does not last because such foreigners are never there with you in the long run.

I have been through perhaps much more than your average TCK even. I have been the only white person through various asian institutions, including schools, academies, classrooms, community centres, neighbourhoods, sports teams and the military. The ONLY white person.

I believe that one is considered the outsider in South-east Asia because of a few things;

1. Southeast Asian self inferiority- whereby they believe that the West is always better and where everyone should be; hence you become the weirdo for happening to be in their geographic location in Asia

2."You are not one of them"-to borrow from Superman. You are not of the same race, nor have you had the same experiences of being a traveler.

3. You are immediately pigeon-holed via a stereotype; "Brits MUST play soccer. Westerns stay in the West" sort of thing.

You will always be considered an outsider because of your appearance and culture, and this comes from me; I have marched and fought next to Asian men in the military, i have gone to school and studied as hard as an "oriental" (sorry no pun intended) next to my peers. I have sweared and cursed and picked up their dialects and languages; Mandarin, Hokkien, Malay and Bahasa Indonesia.
-But you are an outsider because these people are still insular.

But being an outsider is not that bad; you will be a very RESPECTED outsider for going through their system and partaking in their way of life and for understanding them; and chances are you may play an influential role in defusing future crisis when non-TCKs are about to make stupid political decisions with other countries.

You will be respected and be referred to as "legend" as I was once.

I do not mean to brag or sound good or anything like that. On the contrary, it has been very difficult and depressing for me being in my situation. But i comfort myself knowing a simple fact; and so should everyone else. So i turn my supposed weakness into a strength to feel superior.

If I had been an average person living in the same place throughout my life, i may have turned out to become an average yobbo soccer hooligan without a mastery of language, knowledge of other cultures (or indeed places in the world) and without experience.

And i certainly would not want the fate of the world in the hand of someone without knowledge of other peoples in the world.

Thank you.

You know, there are times I think we forget that we are human beings. The only thing that really makes us different is our individual personalities and our life experiences. Non-TCK's also go through issues in their lifetime of moving house or school or perhaps visiting places etc. They have issues with relationships and with the world around them. If we had grown up in someone elses shoes, we would be dealing with the world around us as they would. Some of them have more challenges than we do at times.
They also have to face them and deal with them.

What I have learned is the following. Whatever issues and feelings we face as TCK's it should always be our determination that the issues and feelings do not break us but that they make us stronger. Sometimes its these issues that give us direction and purpose in life if we let them drive us in a positive way. If we let them get to us, they can lead to depression and can mean we have ongoing issues throughout our lifetime. We continually go over things in our mind or feed on those feelings of guilt, depression and self pity until we can take it no more. As TCK's we are often faced with life issues that seem unsurmountable, but with the right attitude we can conquer them.
My youngest son is deaf. I could have dwelt on that and felt sorry for myself and ask God "Why me?". But what use would that have been to him? However, I chose to accept his disability, persevere on his behalf for his physical and educational needs and continue to do so..
What use are we to ourselves or to others if we dwell on the negative. Rather we should be using these life challenging issues to spur us on to greater things than are capable of many Non-TCK's because we have faced these issues, persevered with them and won!!
Sure, its hard making relationships and being open to others in a way that allows us to be closer. But there is the challenge that we can rise to. We can persevere in them, learn how to cope with our feelings, learn how to care for others, and make a real difference in the lives of others.
Paul

Hi mairabay. I think the risk of getting hurt is at the root of this feeling. What I've found has helped me, is a better acceptance of myself, and also taking less stock in how I'm viewed by others. Over time I've gotten better at putting myself out there, for better or worse. I have a bit of a tendancy toward dark humor (I'd be the guy cracking jokes at the funeral), and I'm fairly ready to give my 2 cents on an issue, and in particular have had some "interesting" discussions with folks over politics and religion. On the downside, what I've found is many people I've met don't tend to share these traits. On the upside, what I've also found is, with patience, I do eventually find folks who can tolerate and appreciate my views (and I've found myself fairly open to the views of others). These are the people I ultimately call friends. In short, I've stopped bottling myself up so much in order to kinda sorta be friends with someone. Accept me for me, or it's best we part ways.
So, I've learned to be a believer. That people do indeed exist out there who I can develop solid friendships with. I've also learned it can take a fair bit of patience to find them, and you can't find them without being yourself first.

hey Jerry, your comment is in fact very interesting.

Maybe what we have in common with you is the desire to not open up. Only the reasons are different.
Or maybe even the same anyway, cause it's all about being afraid of getting hurt, isn't it?

If I were the person from the email, I'd try to open up, but only when you feel comfortable about it.
For me, it has a lot to do with trust (trusting that if I open up to people they won't judge me or reject me or hurt me (not an easy thing to beleive in)).

This may make me a target for a psychological case study, but here goes anyway. ;-) My upbringing, up to, and early into college was a very similar feeling to what's being described here. The difference is, I never moved around at all (it's only now, in my 30's, that I've moved overseas with my young children). I grew up in small town USA and never felt like I fit in the entire time. I wasn't necessarily on the outside, or excluded, but it seemed like everyone else knew some inside joke I just never understood. My family never moved around, and I was literally in the same building complex from primary school up through high school graduation. This would suggest to me that perhaps personality plays a big role in this feeling. I was a really shy kid, and I think the result was a kind of self imposed isolation. Until you really open yourself up to people, they don't really have anyone to be a friend to I suppose. Of course opening yourself up to friendship is also opening yourself up to potential hurt. It's still something I struggle with today, but it's getting better with age. Just the same, I can probably count on both hands the number of people I'd consider good friends that I've had in my life. It might not necessarily be much comfort, but it looks like you're in good company. Whether or not you need therapy is a personal choice, but at least you know you're not alone.

In response to blending in but feeling like no one really knows you... I think it is a TCK thing.. It probably has alot to do with the fact that only we know our history and experiences which are rich and make us who we are. If we'd lived in one place all our life, those around us would know us more fully. But the people who witnessed significant episodes of our life are no longer around to validate them and it feels like we are the only one who really knows. Well thats my guess anyway. I'm an MK and I recently found out that a work colleague is a military brat, its crazy but instantly it felt like we understood eachother.

I've just joined this site too. I must say I really understand what you mean about the idea of staying in one place for four or five years for college. When I started at college I could not get my head around the idea of being in one place for four whole years to do my degree, it seemed like such a long time. I actually left after one year, travelled around and lived in 5 more places before deciding (3 yrs on)I really was ready to do my degree and was then ready to stick it out. I think I needed to get to the point where I was willing to do it because it was what i wanted for myself and not because it was what was i was expected to do at that stage of my life. Finally arriving at that place was good because I had the desire and determination to complete the course and put all the work into doing it well. I am now a nurse in the ER and am so thankful that I've finally completed my studying. My only dilema now is that I need to stay in this job for a few years to get the experience I need to move on to a more desirable location, and I'm now impatient to get this experience behind me so I can move on. Why such restlessness?? I don't know. I always feel like there is somewhere better I could be, I don't know where it is or what exactly I'm looking for though... :)

Good luck on your quest to find yourself! :)

I just know, for me, it was important to adjust fully to the culture that my passport claimed me to be. I wanted to know how things worked in the job, social, and family arena, and feel confident about where I chose to settle. I want my kids to be able to belong to sports, clubs and attend activities year to year, etc.

I was sick of feeling like noboby knew me, or would notice if I wasn't there. I feel that by living in one place, I've given my spirit a chance to rest and heal, as well as truly getting to know who I am (ie what aspects of each culture I've lived in appeal to me, that I want to adopt/share with my family and children).

If you can find a way to finance your travels - why not? :)

No need to force yourself to settle down in a place surrounded by people who absolutely refuse to understand you in any way and expect you to do all the compromising and changing!

Right now since you're still a student - I would focus on setting the right career path so you can live the way you want to when you get out of university.

Thank you to every one who commented on this page, I am new on this web site and also younger than you married people, but this blog just struck home for me.
I always manage to make a couple of good friends but as soon as I am a little comfortable I shut my self off. Of course I remain friendly but am never really willing to put my self in situations where I have to open up. Opening up leads to attachment and attachment just produces more difficulties when you have to move again. As I grew up becoming attached to anything or any one other than my family was a dangerous game and still is. Moving every three years does that to you.
I am now in college and am really struggling with the idea of being in the same place for four or five years. Even though I love my University and major, I have a travel bug and am constantly researching other places with similar academic programs.
Oh and to comment on the accent problem, I am bilingual and am accentless in both of the languages I speak which is really frustrating most of the time. When I tell anyone that I don't know my nationality, people understand even less because I sound so normal. ha ha... its perplexing, this whole culture thing.
Good luck to you... But I am afraid that I am just as confused if not more than you. I cant really imagine settling anywhere and right now I am content with that. Why not continue to see the world, I only have a small amount of time on this planet and I don't want to spend it all in one place surrounded by people who don't understand me.
Sorry if that didn't make any sense.
Lauren

I found it difficult with relationships being a TCK. Like the majority of TCKs I did not get married until my late 20's and even then, I still struggle with being married at times. People who are not from other countries find me hard to understand and I often only know many people on a superficial basis.

Yet if I do trust someone and get to know them, I am faithful to the 'nth degree and will often remain friends, making the effort to keep the friendship going. I to am married to someone whose family has always lived in the area and she often says I am difficult to understand yet she is unwilling to read anything on what TCKs are like!!

Sometimes its a fact of life and we need to accept it and move on or try and change. The problem is knowing what to change or how to be more open. I think its possible but only with time and patience.

Paul

Before I got married after college close to 12 years ago, I had only lived in one place a maximum of 4 years in a row. In college, it was only like 5 months at a time, b/c my parents were in Germany, and I was in the US.

So, after I got married, I moved to a smallish town in northern Indiana (where my husband grew up). At first it was difficult for me to commit to buying a house, and adjust to the permanence, just b/c I didn't know anything but moving.

At first, I was really lonely, b/c my husband is a police officer, and worked weird hours, opposite my hours of work. Once I started making friends through work, my loneliness began to ease a bit. Then a person with whom my husband and I had gone to college called out of the blue, and we began doing stuff with them, and she was someone who I could call and hang out with.

From that friendship, and getting to know a few couples from work and church, it's been easier to feel a true part of the community we're in. No, my friends won't ever truly understand my background, but they respect me, and through me have been more exposed to different cultures and their nuances.

In the past, I've often felt like if I disappeared, no one would really notice or miss me that much, b/c they really didn't know me, or who I was. However, in all honesty, how well did I know the people around me, really? Likes, dislikes, family background, etc.

The more open I became, though, by finding out more about what truly mattered to "them", the more accepting they became of various opinions I have as well.

Part of my problem was stopping myself from sharing b/c I'd been burned by sharing ("bragging")in US high school. So, even when people are genuinely interested about a story, I have to stop myself from rushing through it, b/c I feel like they're going, "yawn, enough already", even though they're not...

Patience is definitely not my strong suit, but having it with myself and my community has been very rewarding. Knowing that I'm here for the long term (except for the initial panic) has been very comforting and given me the feeling of being able to take more risks, b/c the risk of being whisked away (say that 10x fast) is gone/low.

Plus, places like Facebook for me recently have been great, since I can reconnect with people from my childhood, and know they understand my growing up years. It's been great not only for closure, but for renewed friendships as grown ups.

And, like mish.wsl says, the population is shifting. As people become more globally aware, the more avenues of conversations will open.

Anyway, hope you've enjoyed the novel...;)

Good point, Laura. I think I'll repeat this point again because I think it's important.


"I realized (with the help of a therapist, but not necessarily the case for the author) that it was mostly me. I wouldn't LET anyone get close to me, because I was afraid of being rejected as I had been among my peers in middle school."

You don't need therapy, I can assure you. =)
I was like that my whole life as well, and still am. =) I feel accepted, I make a few friends easily, but shut out the rest of the world away. And sometimes, even the friends I make have problems with me. =) [well, not argumental problems, but like ayako said: walls]
I spent a long time thinking about it since in my culture, to go to a psychologist/therapist is considered to be very...'shameful'. =P I found I shut myself up and tried my hardest not to let people know me because I didn't want to experience the hurt when I moved again. It worked, partially. I always did feel the hurt. But it was somewhat lessened too. It was also probably helped by the fact that everyone knew I was different, and so they were quite sensitive to it. They were incredibly sensitive about me, because they didn't want to make me feel too left out I suppose. But I guess this is just something we all experience.
But not to worry, the population is shifting, mixed marriages are acceptable and soon, the whole world will just be one big TCK country. Now we'll all feel the same. =P

In some instances you'll never be accepted as an 'insider' because people are just too insular. Sometimes you do become something like an 'insider' and you'll know when this happens.

It could be a moment when you are drinking and laughing together and the walls magically melt away.

The sad thing is that the walls quickly come back up again usually.

I'd just try and be comfortable with being perceived as an 'outsider' or it will get to you. But you'll have moments when the walls aren't there and you can enjoy those too :)

Thats so true. A really good point how the walls come down quicly and just as fast comes back up. Its an amazing how TCK's are so flexiable about puttin up or down thier gaurd.

Small communities are well known for characterizing its people. For example, someone known to be a woodcutter all his life might be John... the Woodcutter. The two become one, and given the often static nature of a small town, it'll be accurate for the rest of his life.

It need not always be according to profession, but people tend to throw the defining characteristics of a person onto how they are perceived every day.

So in that way, I guess I'm saying that you might well always be "the outsider", not because they dislike you, but just because you weren't born and lived there all your life, or are sufficiently different.

Personally, I'd try to revel in it a bit. There's a certain sort of fascination that comes with people who are the exception to the norm, often misled but nevertheless coupled with a small sense of unconscious mystery. Consider it an open door for people to view an interesting life. :)

I used to feel this way too. As for me, I've lived between Finland and the US for my whole life. (Like spending the school year in the US, and flying to Finland for the summer.) I may not have had the same circumstances as the author of the email, but I certainly understand. I am a blonde, caucasian woman in the US, so I certainly blend in. I don't even have an accent in English, so that made it "worse." I always felt left out of things, like people wouldn't make the effort to get to know me.

I realized (with the help of a therapist, but not necessarily the case for the author) that it was mostly me. I wouldn't LET anyone get close to me, because I was afraid of being rejected as I had been among my peers in middle school. I finally let people in the end of my senior of high school (I'm now in my second year of university), and I've found that I feel a bit more included now. There ARE times that I feel left out, but then I realize that I have to make a conscious effort to MAINTAIN friendships. If I don't, they usually think I don't want to be with them, etc.

Also, people can just be ignorant. When I tell people about where I'm from, they're really interested for a minute, but never ask anything further than "Do you speak the language?" When you find the right people who sincerely CARE about you, it will be completely different. I'm not saying that the people around the author of the email aren't caring, but maybe they don't understand the experiences that you've had and are afraid to ask about it. (I've had that happen to me a few times)

I hope this helps! Feel free to contact me if you want :)