I Am A Fraud
Posted by Clarita on January 19th, 2008 | Categorized as General Forum | 510 views and 34 Comments
Hi Dear Friends,
I tried to browse through as many posts as I could, but I apologize if I missed one and this topic has already been covered. In any case, this post is inspired by this comment made by Warona: “i had no vocabulary to articulate why simply growing up in another country could change who i am so drastically. it sometimes made me feel a fraud, as though i was pretending to be this way, and maybe everyone was right and i should just suck it up and be like my peers. not knowing can drive you crazy, because you think you are crazy and you don’t have anyone telling you different.”
Here’s the question to respond to:
Have you ever had an authority in your life, such as a pastor, priest, parent, teacher, therapist, older person, etc., tell you the following, directly or indirectly or even without words:
- ”you need to be more American” (or replace American with any other country, I’m only using American in this post because that’s what it is for me)
- “suck it up”
- “you need to learn more about American (or other) culture, like the names of some sports and rock groups”
- “just choose to be happy”
- “that’s not a big deal, a lot of people in the world have real problems”
- “You’re American (or other) - why do you say you’re from somewhere else? You’re lying”
- anyone saying that how you identify yourself is not true, that you’re lying
- anyone saying that how you identify your race, ethnicity or culture is wrong
- anything similar to the above
If you have any stories like this, please share them here. Personally this is a painful one for me, because the people who have said these things to me were people I really thought I could and should trust.
Ana Claire Okeke
Hi! I usually go by Claire, since I currently live in California, but you can call me Ana Clara or Clara or Clarita. My mom of course calls me Anita Clarita. I'm married and have no kids (yet). My husband is Nigerian-American. I work for World Vision International (I would guess most people in this group are familiar with it, it's a large NGO). I'm currently studying for an MBA in international economic development. I have one younger sister, no brothers.
I was born in Costa Rica. I have lived for significant periods, in order, in:
Costa Rica
Peru
Venezuela
United States
Philippines
Chile
Kenya
Turkey
Nigeria
I have been to many other countries, as you can imagine. Check out my facebook page! (Search for Claire Okeke.) This year I'm travelling to Thailand, Costa Rica and Nigeria.
The reason I lived all those places is because my parents are lingustics professors, and they travel around teaching at various universities and getting grants to do research on various indigenous languages. My mother was a missionary kid - she was born and raised in Kenya, as were her mother and grandmother. My father's family was from New Zealand and immigrated to California. I actually feel jelous of my parents because they're able to travel to more places than I am - my dad works a lot in Russia, Korea and various other countries, and my mom works in Kenya a lot. My aunt and uncle currently live in Nairobi and we're very disturbed about the violence there - it's so sad.
I live most of the time these days in Los Angeles, which is a good city for people like us - extremely multicultural. I live in a mostly Latin American neighborhood. A typical TCK experience I have all the time is getting mad at men whistling at me or following me on the street. While I'm very used to it because of living in Latin America, It will always bother me because it's not appropriate in mainstream U.S. culture!
I'm a Christian and two Bible verses that are very comforting, written by Saint Paul, are:
". . . Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household." - Ephesians 2:19
"By faith [Abraham] made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God." - Hebrews 11:9-10
There are many other similar verses in the Bible that are encouraging when we are alone or don't have a place where we belong. A lot of my healing has come from understanding that my core, my center, is not rooted in a place or even in my family or friends but is rooted in my identity as a child of God, created perfectly by him/her, with a purpose for my life (everything about my life), and having a close friendship with God.
I'm impressed by the level of vulnerability in this forum and I'm glad that we can encourage each other, even if we never meet face to face.
Please let me know if you have any questions for or about me, any time. Peace - Claire
March 19th, 2008 at 11:18 am
I know what you guys are talking about! Here in Norway everyone gets angry if I talk about Taiwan as ‘home’, and they tell me that I’m Norwegian, like it or not. They don’t get it though, because they haven’t lived in another country like that, in their childhood. It’s weird, because even some TCKs tell me to suck it up and be Norwegian…
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July 1st, 2008 at 9:53 pm
“just choose to be happy” — something along those lines was one of the most hurtful comments I ever heard from my mother (of all people) about this subject. Something about just thinking of all the good times I had in Scotland but that I was now in Singapore and that I should stop moaning about it. This was probably about three years after we’d left (Scotland that is). It made me feel as if I was ungrateful or discontented or something… which I’m not, as in, Singapore’s a lovely place, it’s just, different. Even though I am myself Singaporean by birth, I still get cultural shocks every now and then. I never understood it, and it’s been ten years already. I’ve never felt fully Singaporean, and every country I’ve visited after (school trips, whatever), I’ve consistently used Glasgow as the point of reference for comparison of culture, people, language, weather, everything.
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July 2nd, 2008 at 1:19 am
“Just choose to be happy”
Although this seems like ‘mind over matter’ and a good thing to do according to some people, are we not creating more lies inside our minds when we do this?
Aren’t we in essence just putting a lid over anything that stinks and pretending it’s not there?
Maybe this can work for some time but I wonder if the putrid stuff inside all the garbage cans might one day release so much noxious gases that all the cans might explode.
And then what? :p
I am not sure what the answer is to this dilemma but all we can do is to realize that our repatriated country will never be home and accept it as it is - and also to try and come to terms with our relationships with other countries.
This is hard if you are going through repatriation and are grounded. One needs to get out of their repatriated country every once in awhile to keep their sanity.
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July 2nd, 2008 at 2:40 am
“This is hard if you are going through repatriation and are grounded. One needs to get out of their repatriated country every once in awhile to keep their sanity.” > True words Ayako, very true. I’ve never been able to leave Singapore, and only for one week school trips/camps.. and always with a whole hoard of other fellow countrymen… for the past ten years. I am. dying. to get. out (and away from these people). Or I swear, I will go mad.
Perhaps I am ungrateful?
“Aren’t we in essence just putting a lid over anything that stinks and pretending it’s not there?”>
Hehe. Good one. Lord knows we’ve all tried, at some point or another.
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