How to speak to family about TCK? Why does one child have no problem but another sibling is ‘overwhelmed’ with the TCK life?
An e-mail sent to us. Do you have any advice? How to speak to family about TCK? Why is one child has no problem but another sibling is ‘overwhelmed’ with the TCK life?
“My wife is a TCK, I guess I am as well to some extent, I would like to learn more about this phenomenon and how to speak to her family better. To understand why one child seems to have no problems with being a TCK but another sibling be over whelmed with life in general and can’t “get over” their childhood.”
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15 Comments to “How to speak to family about TCK? Why does one child have no problem but another sibling is ‘overwhelmed’ with the TCK life?”
January 11th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Hey Maira,
Funny that, my dad reacted very similarly when I went to stay with my family over Christmas. I had talked to my mum for hours and she was great! She listened to me and read a bit in the book. She actually told me that she and my dad had frequently been wondering why I was so different and what they had done wrong while raising me (nice, thanks mum :p). My dad only came to sit with us later on and he hadn’t heard the whole thing. He did not belief any of it. He said it was just my personality. I just kept talking about it and also talked about what I had read, and at some point he just started to listen. The thing is… in the beginning I got the feeling he was defending himself and did therefore not want to believe me. I think he thought I was blaming them for everything that’s “wrong” with me. I can’t blame him, he’s had quite a lot to endure from me, including the complete ignorance of “my Arab side” when I was trying to fit in with the other Germans. I think after he understood that I am actually happy about this and that all I had been looking for was the answer to that “Why?” question, he started listening to me. Could that be why your parents don’t wanna hear about it as well? Because they think you blame them for it all?
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January 11th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
This is a very interesting topic and I’ve enjoyed reading all of your stories.
My sister has always seemed to adapt to the TCK thing. In the last few years though I know that she hasn’t fit in too well where she’s living (like me) but I’ve been the one doing the ‘digging’, i.e. finding out more about us. In the meantime our parents have also repatriated and I get the impression our mother has had some difficulty making the transition as well.
Like someone above said, I think my parents did the best they could in the circumstances (i.e. the lack of information they had). I’m not sure they realise what issues we had to deal with (and are still dealing with). On the other hand, they seem to be somewhat reluctant to listen to me about it or to read about it. I’m hoping that at least one of them will read the TCK book; hopefully that isn’t asking for too much…
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January 11th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Yeah Lina, it might be what they feel
My mom is also more open and sometimes I talk to her about this (I managed to get her to read some articles that I had printed from the internet before I got the book). And just yesterday while I was having one of my “it sucks being a TCK moment”, she started “oh, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry to cause you all this, etc”. So yeah, I think she feels guilty. Luckly I got a chance to tell/explain her that this is nobody’s fault, nobody knew about the TCK concept, neither my parents nor the school (which I love blaming, lol)
But my dad is way less open.
Everytime I complain about sth TCK-related (basically complaning about Brazilian culture) he gets very defensive. The last time he was like “ok, so when you have kids, I have the solution for you, just don’t move them anywhere!”. And I was like “God, he didn’t get ANYTHING of what I said!”. So yeah, I think he thinks I blame him.
And thinking about it now, it must be hard for him, being a Brazilian to have to hear me complain so much about the country. I guess that’s why people get so defensive when I do that (lol, silly me! that’s **very likely** why!). So thanks God I have you people to hear me complain about it! LOL!
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April 9th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
Dear jen-h
I have read all of your posts on this forum. I was very sad when you saw your dad hug your older sister and your mom hug your younger one. How hurtful must have been for you to have felt left out and defined as a person with middle-child syndrome when you are in reality more than what people see. You are more than some simple one word to be boxed.
Thank you for all the comments, Jen. Things have not been easy but you look at your family in the bright side. That is very encouraging. Thank you, really…
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April 10th, 2008 at 7:24 am
Thanks for your empathy, Miyon. I try to look at the positives, well, at the whole picture, really. And I think a good approach to life in general is that we always learn through adversity. It’s true that when one door closes, other opportunities present themselves. Rather than focus on hurt or loss, I try to look for the opportunities and the life lessons. Not always easy to do, I admit, but one thing about being a TCK - we are ADAPTABLE!
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