How to maintain lasting friendships
I’ve caught myself fearing that any intimate relationships will come to an end and will not last. I had this fear that any factors could take away someone who becomes intimate with me. Accidents, death, separation, or whatever the factor may be… I feared that I could not put faith in lasting relationships.
This is what I am used to. A highly mobile lifestyle has constructed in my belief system that no friendship can last long enough. I once was happy and thankful that I had been forced to stay in the same university in the past three years despite itchy feet. I felt hurt because friends from before college seemed to not care enough about me to make friendships last. I was disappointed with many of my friends because of their lack of interest and care for me. I even told myself that I might as well cut off these friendships.
Then, two nights ago I listened to a sermon by the senior pastor of my church. I came to repentance because I learned that I was being selfish. It stood out “Are you going to stop loving the person because of their sins?” (Am I going to stop being friends because of what they’ve done wrong and said?) I know in my heart I wanted to cut off friendships because I was disappointed in these friends. But how can I show my love to somebody without loving somebody? This is what the pastor made me think.
“If you were another person would you like to be a friend of yours?” Asked the pastor.
“When we can stand in line together and have a commonality we can be friends with one another.”
When he said this statement he showed us a movie clip of Freedom Writers where classmates are divided in cliques but after playing a line game, learn that they are just like any other students who have lost friends through gang violence. And this illustration rocked me inside because I am no better than any other person.
Being a TCK does not make me special. I am just another human being. Why judge others thinking that I am better and deserve better?
I have also learned from the sermon that friendship is to encourage, to put conscious effort to strengthen, and to empower in finding strength in God. I have made a commitment that in the morning when I wake up I will think of at least one person I will encourage that day.
Michelle Kim
I am a Korean by passport who currently resides in Illinois. I have lived in Hong Kong, Japan, Korea, New Zealand, and the United States.Related Posts
9 Comments to “How to maintain lasting friendships”
September 15th, 2008 at 12:57 am
Well, gee, Miyon. I’d like to be your friend just the way you are.
(Is this spam?)
September 15th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Your post reminds me of when I was so disappointed in the romantic relationships I was involved in before I began dating my now husband of 12 years. I couldn’t believe there was no one long term “out there” for me!
It was only after I took a long (painful) look at myself, truly, to see I wasn’t acting in a way to attract my “dream man”. And actually, there is no such thing as a “dream man/person”.
There is an initial attraction and a whole lot of love (decision love, not just heart palpatations), committment, and compromising (as long as it’s not spirit-breaking) that makes the relationship work.
I have the same philosophy about friendships, too. It took me a long time for me to get to that point in friendships, too…
I applaud your efforts to bring yourself to a better understanding to how you “tick”! Knowing the relationship struggles of a TCK helps, too, in relating why you might feel a certain angst when dealing with relationships in general!
(Is this spam?)
September 15th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
hey Miyon, I love your decision (to encourage one person everyday)
I’m glad you are realising your “issues” and working them out. I find that when we are in this positive mood (instead of feeling hurt and angry all the time), we attract what we want in a more effective way.
And btw, you have great friends right here in tckid - including me!
(Is this spam?)
September 15th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
oh, and your new avatar picture is very cute!
(Is this spam?)
September 15th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Miyon, I totally know what you mean and I have been through that, in fact just recently.
I might have mentioned this to you before but I had lost touch with a lot of friends over the last decade that for a while I thought they had forgotten about me. I stopped keeping in touch with them because I felt like they wouldn’t respond anyways so why bother. I never thought of cutting friendship ties with them, I figured everything happens for a reason. I don’t hate them or feel disappointed or whatnot.
However what I did learn from my experience is that despite my friends don’t keep in contact with me, those that were truly close to me actually remembered me this entire time. It was because of my effort of constantly keeping in touch (even if they didn’t take the initiative) that I was able to be given the opportunity to reminisce with old friends of the good old times.
It sucks that it has to be you to put in the effort but the other person truly appreciates it. Someone gotta do something right?
Don’t feel bad if friendship fell out due to distance, they will still remember you if a good time was shared between you. If life takes you to a place at certain point in time in which you will meet up with the friend again then it will happen. Let things flow naturally…
Good luck!
(Is this spam?)
September 15th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
After my “trip” last month for the first time EVER I feel no need to “get up and go”. Travelling alone vs. travelling with a toddler child are two waaaay two different realities. I no longer daydream about raising my child TCK in the physical mobile way
I have been giving alot of thought to the idea of friendship lately. I realized I had toxic friends which I cut out but I also have amazing friends who I don’t see that much (as they are spread out all over the world) but I know who love me. Now I am in L.A. coming onto 4 years and about to make what I believe my first true friend. It’s about respect, non-projection, honesty, critique, laughter, open-heart and mind reality and a bit of affection thrown in for boot. It is very interesting…
(Is this spam?)
September 16th, 2008 at 3:24 am
I appreciate this. Its a good thing to think about.
I often find myself thinking that people wouldn’t like to be friends with me because I am not…..?? “sedentary”. Its irrational because I have a lot of friends.
(Is this spam?)
October 7th, 2008 at 9:01 am
I thank all of you for your kindness. It is encouraging to hear from you.
(Is this spam?)
October 25th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Thank you Miyon, for your post. It reiterates to me that TCKs first and foremost are human beings. So yes, we need to be treated as such by others, but with that comes taking responsibility for relationships, etc, too. Hope that makes sense!
(Is this spam?)