How to compromise w/ spouse about living abroad?!
HELP! I got an email from a friend who has agreed to let me post it for others to see and give feedback to (for some reason he’s resistant to fully identify with being a TCK & join the forums I recommend). I took out his nationality since that doesn’t really matter, although I’ll say it is in Europe.
“…Of course I am looking forward to this job, but still I do not feel content. The past year I have spent thinking of what I am lacking in my everyday life. I have come to the conclusion that I am rootless. Meaning that no matter what I do in xxxx, my mind will always be wandering off abroad. Looking back over the past five years, there was only one period where i was content and that was while I was in Afghanistan. If i deduct all the unpleasentness of shootings and attacks, killings and suffering, I somehow felt at home. There was a sence of reason, logic and recognition while working with the Afghan people. I felt joyful when projects went well and sad when not. In xxxx I do not have this feeling at all. If things work out i do not rejoyce and opposit I do not feel sadness if they dont.
My biggest problem however is my family. My wife has accepted a maximum contract of 2 years where I/we could go and live/work abroad, but she wants our children to grow up here and she does not want to leave our whole network behind for any longer. My wife knows how i feel and my longing for working abroad, but she is afraid that our own children will grow up with the same rootlessness as I. I lost more or less all my friends while living abroad and i know that my parents lost many as well. I have difficulty attatching to people, because it is always in the back of my head that one day i will leave, and leave these people behind.
Sorry if I sound negative, but somehow I have the feeling/idea that you are one of the few people who can understand what i mean and what i feel.”
You can see why I wanted to post this message, aye? What would you like to say to him? How can one come to a compromise on this? Anyone have experiences to share? … Thanks in advance!
Stefanie Bradley
I'm a Swiss-American dual citizen who grew up & currently lives in Asia :)Related Posts
8 Comments to “How to compromise w/ spouse about living abroad?!”
February 18th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Ok, I will try and cover some of your concerns. Bear in mind this is my opinion and may not be the opinion of others. I will write as if talking to your friend.
Firstly the issue of feeling rootless. In many ways i think this is self explanitory. No roots have been put down to anchor you in any particular place. Wherever you go, if you do not put roots down you will not feel at home. You say you felt at home in Afghanistan, it is probably because you felt like you had put your roots down there. Bear in mind that going back to Afghanistan may not make you feel rooted as more than likely the roots that were put down before have shrivelled up.
So, how do we deal with the problem of rootlesness, well we have to decide just where we put our roots down. So if you travel abroad and are working somewhere, make an effort to get to know people and know the culture as this is what will give you roots to a place.
I found as I travelled around over the years, and I am now 40 years old… for me it was the people that made me feel at home, making an effort to get to know people does help give a sense of being rooted. The difficulty with this is as a TCK, we find it difficult to make relationships where we trust and share friendships unless it is with people who have gone through similar experiences. If so, find people with similar experiences and get to know them.
I found it difficult to make friends with the opposite sex but as soon as I had a girlfriend, all the girls who had secretly fancied me suddenly showed an interest in me!! What i mean is, if you be a friend to others, it is easier to make friends as people see you have good relationships.
Ok, if you want to minimise this feeling of rootlessness, make an effort with your children to be their friends and be their sense of being rooted. Talk to them, listen to them, be there for them and encourage them to make friends and to keep in touch with the friends they have now.
The more we feel we are apart of the society round us or that we belong, the less the problems with feeling like we dont belong. So if you head back to where you live after two years, try as much as you can to keep that sense of belonging by keeping in touch or perhaps making friends with people who are from the country you just left.
Often you will find that ex-pats have their own family or sense of rootedness in their own little culture. These are fine and a good way of keeping that sense of global belonging. Keeping in touch with the organisation you were working with and what is going on is a good way of keeping rooted.
What I am saying is if the issue of being unrooted affects you, make an effort to root yourself. If you feel where you are rooting yourself is temporary say for a few weeks then that is difficult, but for 2 years, get to know people or people in the organisation you can keep in touch with, or get rooted in the cause if it is a good one. Do something to feel apart of your surroundings and your family will not yearn for what they have left. Make an effort to be a close family with good friendships and wherever you travel as a family you can feel a sense of being rooted in your family.
Yes you will loose friends but be sure you use technology to fill that gap, email, write or phone. I would emphasize your family closeness firstly tho. Do things together, spend time together, talk, make friends together and do not be afraid of making other friends however short the friendship.
I still miss people I used to know but I have fond memories of them. Root firstly in your family. You will feel like a family and be able to face your future together. So keep in touch with your parents etc as much as you can too. But your close family is the thing that can make you feel secure and at home the most.
Greeneaglz
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February 19th, 2008 at 1:31 am
Thanks for your feedback. Those are good tips on how to put down roots & make friends. But how would you get the wife to accept going overseas?
All I could suggest is for him to write his list of what he’s looking for & have his wife to make a list of what she’s looking for as well as a list of what she isn’t willing to give up, then discuss these lists. Hopefully they would be able to find countries that would fit for both of them for a 2-year stint. After the 2 years they can see how they feel.
I believe that he “suffers” from the same thing I suffer from & that is we love a challenge. He has a very comfortable, predictable life now & he is used to far more excitement/stimuli/challenge. Therefore, even though he’s only lived out of his country for 6 years as a child & those years in Afghanistan as an adult, these experiences were very challenging & gave him a taste for adventure. Now his country feels too predictable & boring. I know I feel bored when I live in an English-speaking country because there’s no challenge in that.
…So now he wants to go overseas, but his wife is not too thrilled… Doesn’t anyone else have this issue?! (I would’ve thought a lot of TCKs have it!) What did you do?
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February 19th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
I’m afraid I don’t have much advice, but I do have a similar issue! My wife of four years has spent all her life in the United States, except for a semester in France. I, on the other hand, lived in Vienna, Austria, until high school, when I moved first to Vancouver, British Columbia, and then to Ann Arbor, Michigan (where I met my now-wife in math class).
We currently live in Los Angeles and have an excellent community of friends. Still I would like to raise our children in Europe–preferably Vienna, although I prefer almost anywhere in Europe to almost anywhere in the US–and, whereas my wife is open to traveling and even to a few years abroad, she cannot see us departing the US long-term.
We do not have children yet, and I am still in graduate school, so the issue is not pressing. But the time will come when decisions about where to live and what work to do will need to be made, and I foresee that those will be difficult.
A possible solution we have already discussed is living in the UK or in France, where the language barrier would be minimal. Finding work there (or anywhere in Europe) as American citizens will be tough, though. We also are working hard to be able to send our kids to the Lycee Francais if we do stay in LA.
I decided long ago that being with my wife was more important to me than being in any particular place, and I stand by that decision. Wherever we may be, we will be there together, God-willing, and in my better moments that is good enough for me!
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February 20th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
I would say that the thing to do for the wife (wives) mentioned above is show them the involvement of other expat women from their countries around the world. there is a website called FAWCO.org which is a conglomerate of many American women’s groups around the world. You can search for the European community ( country not mentioned for the OP) womens groups in other countries.
I have lived as an expat for about 20 years, mostly in the Middle East and Pakistan. What I found about connecting with people, and roots is this:
Expatriate communities are closer than those neighborhoods at “home” People reach out to you, and you are taken in much faster, because many people are mobile and also looking for Home connections. The schools your children attend become a meeting ground and place to reconnect with your home culture.
I have friends from over these 20 years living and working all over the world. Recently a friend was gravely ill and going to die. I contacted by email many many of the people she had known in far flung places. She received emails, letters, and phone calls from all around the world. It brightened her last months, and left for her children a collection of warm, loving memories of people who had passed thorugh her life and were now all over the world, and had cared enough to to make the effort.
Soemtimes connection does not have to be physical. When i first moved out of the US, there was very little email, or internet capabilities where i was, and I felt far away and sometimes very lonely.
These days satying in touch with poeple all around the world only means to turn on your computer, send an email, chat, or make VOIP call!!
Hope some of this helps
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February 20th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
I went to the Lycee Francais de Los Angeles! It’s a great school(from what i remember of it)!
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February 21st, 2008 at 12:40 am
I’ve always felt rooted when I’m with my family. I think living abroad for my childhood made me a lot closer to my parents and brothers, because we had experienced the expat life together. I’m now 19 years old & at college, and sometimes i would kill to have my parents close by so that I could drive home and see them some weekends. But the people I go to school with (who are from 45min away) don’t feel this urge as much as I do. Maybe they don’t have as close of a relationship with their parents, or maybe they just don’t see how valuable this time is. Growing up as TCK makes you more aware of how limited your time is, and as a result I think we take important relationships (like with parents) seriously.
Just my opinion! :]
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February 21st, 2008 at 11:06 am
A few things that came to mind…
1. It’s easier to keep in touch with friends these days with msn, email, Skype and forums like this - so no need to lose friends like we did in the 70s or 80s
Don’t grieve the loss of friends too much. If they didn’t bother to stay in touch you don’t mean that much to them - and maybe they didn’t mean much to you - so make new ones.
2. Nothing you can do about the rootlessness - so you just have to learn to be comfortable with it. It’s both lonely and liberating at the same time, you know? I think people in this site know what I mean.
3. I can understand your wife’s concerns about your children becoming rootless. Although there are many positives about being a TCK there are also lots of things one could do without, like feeling alienated, lonely, lost, being overwhelmed by a profound sense of sadness/melancholy/grief, etc.
4. You made certain choices in life when you got married and had children to give up certain liberties and got some very nice things in exchange - like the wonderful company of your family and their warmth & love. So try to enjoy what you’ve got and try not to focus on the negatives (loss of liberty).
5. It’s obvious your wife loves you and understands you because she is willing to leave the place where she wants to stay for two long years. Isn’t that a nice thing too?
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February 21st, 2008 at 12:45 pm
I especially like Ayako’s comments.
I suggest you focus on making those two years as big a success as possible — especially by helping your children become rooted in family and all of your family become involved in the community, whether local or expat (or both). Maybe after two years she’ll decide she likes it!
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