How do you people stop the restlessness to move?
A question from Jorge, a TCK living in Mexico, who has given us the permission to post his question.
“How do you people stop the restlessness to move? I really would like to settle down somewhere and have some sort of stability in my life. To me it feels like once I have absorbed the “essence” of one place into my life, it’s enough and it’s time to move again, but at the same time I have some long-term goals (including a long-lasting relationship with somebody) that I think are incompatible with a high-mobility lifestyle. But then again, I feel like the driving force of my life becomes stagnant if I stay in one place for too long. Anyway, you all know what I’m talking about. How do you people cope with that or you just don’t?”
June 30th, 2008 at 1:53 am
“at the same time I have some long-term goals (including a long-lasting relationship with somebody) that I think are incompatible with a high-mobility lifestyle.”
Just a quick question… What makes you think that having a long-term relationship really incompatible with a high-mobility lifestyle?
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 2:00 am
Because when you are alone you can easily say “the hell with it” and move somewhere else without the responsibility of dragging along another person with you. But when you are committed in a relationship, there are some “sacrifices” that you have to make, because you’re thinking TWO now, not just ONE. And unless that other person is willing to move around with you all along, then I don’t see how a relationship could be maintained, because personally, I don’t believe in long-distance relationships.
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 2:02 am
Hi Jorge,
You’re right that moving around is not the best idea if you want to have a long term relationship with anyone. Moving around doesn’t mean you can’t have a long term relationship but it does make it more difficult.
If having such a relationship is your primary goal, then I’d start out by writing down what kind of a person you’d like to have such a relationship and then make a list of cities where you can realistically live and see if it’s feasible to meet such a person in these locations.
You have one thing going for you. You are male.
It’s much easier for a male to establish a long term relationship than a female because it’s usually the male who doesn’t want to commit.
Rather let’s just say there are more females out there who would like to commit than there are males. This is because females biologically can become pregnant while males can’t.
For example:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7475695.stm
Some males have this funny habit of pursuing only females who don’t like to commit and complaining about this later on to anyone and everyone they meet (especially other females). Don’t fall into this trap.
So once you’ve decided you want a long term relationship, you just have to focus on obtaining this goal just like you did when you got your university degree or new job etc.
Some cities are just not the best places for meeting anyone so I guess you’ll want to avoid those. For example this wonderful city of Torremolinos is a disaster as far as meeting potential partners. You will have a much broader choice if you are in bigger cities, simply because there are more people there.
As for your feeling of ’stagnating’ - I suggest you make it a habit to travel out of your resident country regularly so that it doesn’t get to be suffocating.
You might also try Internet dating sites stating to see what’s out there. These sites are mostly overflowing with serial male daters, and females who want a more long term relationship so you will certainly be at an advantage.
Just a few tips on Internet dating:
1. Get as much information from the other person as you can before going on any date. Make sure you have their recent photo so you can recognize them when you meet them at the local or unlocal coffee shop. If they were dishonest about their photo - you don’t want to have a long term relationship with them because it’s a sign of dishonesty anyway.
2. Agree to meet in a public place and limit the date to 1 hour (just in case it’s a horrible mess and one of you need to get out of there PRONTO!) - with an agreement to no hard feelings - after all, this is Internet dating so the first date shouldn’t hold that much significance. Anyone who feels one date is very significant in this environment should be ignored.
3. Make sure a few of your close friends know where you went and have them call in right after the date or during the date to make sure you are OK. This holds true more for females but you never know what can happen to even males.
4. Read all the warnings in the page of the site where they usually give you all the sensible advice and keep these in mind at all times.
Another thing to keep in mind is that sometimes you find such relationships when you are not looking for them. You however have to interact with people for this to happen at all, so living in isolation and waiting for it to magically happen is not a solution.
Don’t try too hard, but you do have to be proactive about it or nothing will happen either.
Good luck and I hope you find what you are looking for.
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 2:03 am
Hi Jorge,
Hopefully I can give you some tips on settling down.
Firstly I liken moving to a new country (or trying to settle) to trying to have a new friendship with someone. Your experiences of life are different and your expectations of life and of each other are different. You spend time with each other and learn about each other if you are determined to make your relationship work.
Perhaps this may be one reason that TCK’s sometimes find it hard to settle in one place, they are used to abandoning relationships at certain levels if they feel they are going to get hurt.
So having a long term “relationship” with a new country takes time and determination. You have to learn how “it” thinks, its likes and dislikes, its expectations of you and gradually you have more in common and you no longer have to try so hard in your relationship.
Again with a long term relationship it can often feel stagnant if you are not determined to bring a little change into it. Vary your activities, go meet new people,try something new, visit a new place to eat out.
Dont be surprised if things feel stagnant and unchanging if you never do anything different.
As with any relationship, things to start off with can feel exciting and frightening at the same time, we make mistakes, buy the wrong flowers, buy them chocolate with peanuts in to find out they are allergic to nuts. We make a fool of ourselves in front of their friends. Your mother tells them all those stories of when you were a baby.
So to sum up. You are starting out on a relationship with your “new” country, with determination you can have a long term relationship but it takes effort on your part if you want it to work. With time, you work at your relationship to have more in common and it gets easier. To stop your relationship getting stale, you sometimes do new things, share new experiences and gradually you will call your new “friend” home. Sometimes you will need a break from your new partner, no problem, take an occassional trip or holiday.
As for relationships with the opposite sex, again the above applies, the more you share and spend time together with other people the easier it is to make friends, relate to the same things and feel natural together. The hardest thing i think for TCK’s is to persevere with a relationship.
hope that helps a little.
And yep I’m a “settled” TCK, i do occassionally take trips abroad, I vary my life I am married with 3 boys and its very much the people that make me feel at home where I live. I spent time making friends and investing my time in others. It has paid off and I no longer feel the roller coaster ride of emotions that I used to when it comes to feeling at home.
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 2:08 am
Would committing to a relationship really solve restlessness? I know plenty of married couples who struggle with restlessness (you can read some of their post on tckid. A woman made a post about this not long ago.)
Jorge, I could give you some tips on how I deal with it, but I know everyone is different.
What have you done in the past that made you feel less restless and what has worked for you?
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 2:26 am
Hi Ayako,
Thanks for your input on the matter. And yes, as much as I would like to give it a shot at engaging in a long-term relationship, I am not sure it is my primary goal. But yeah there are some opportunity costs that come along with that. Oh well, I guess you just can’t have everything in this life.
Also, I think it’s funny how sometimes people just assume that because you’re a male you are automatically looking to engage in a relationship with a female. No offense taken at all, but it’s just funny
But still, I can certainly use some of those tips. Especially the one-hour thing. I think it would add to the excitement of waiting to go on a second date.
Also, I think it’s vital that the other person understands your TCK background enough in order for a relationship to last, don’t you find?
Cheers!
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 2:29 am
A new country is just like falling in love with someone.
The thrill of falling in love is wonderful. Soon enough, of course … The novelty starts to wear off. And just like love, the new country has a third stage too… disillusion. All of the sudden, the country isn’t as great as it used to be.
Finally, you get bored, fall out of love, and want to move.
So what’s the solution?
In many ways, just like in love, you need to bring the excitement back that you used to have when you first moved. Allow yourself to be seduced by it again. What were the good reasons that made you move there? Make a list of those reasons. What are the positive aspects of this country? Why would it be a great country to settle in? How can you improve your relationship with this place and bring back the excitement you once had?
There’s obviously more to it than that, but that’s my quick answer. I hope that helps!
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 2:41 am
Hi Brice,
Yeah. It would be great to hear how you dealt with it.
You see, to me, some of the best highs in life actually come from when I move to a new place. I feel all revitalized and full of energy, and really happy. I guess in part because everything is novelty and I’m really adventurous. But then, as time passes and as I become more accustomed to things, that boost wears off, so it’s like I have to seek it elsewhere. I can see the itchy as analogous to an addiction.
I guess that in order to find a decent balance in my life without having to keep moving, I will have to forge a career in something that will enable me to travel frequently. That’s something I’m figuring out now that I’m going into my last year of university. I’m a film student, so I think my field of study would allow me that possibility. I think that’s a start. Yet, I do not know where I would like to settle.
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 2:45 am
Nice insight there on the novelty that comes with each move. Yeah, I guess it would be like falling in love.
Does that mean that non-TCKs fall in love with other people, and TCKs fall in love with places? *jokes*
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 2:46 am
Jorge: I thought about putting in the clause about being ‘gay’ because I have some close friends who are - but the mere question of this can offend some people deeply so I left it out…
If you are gay and are looking for a gay ’spinster’ I have a close friend who lives in a gorgeous house in Manila looking for a partner. He loves to travel too and would follow you all over the world… :p
(Is this spam?)