How do you people stop the restlessness to move?
A question from Jorge, a TCK living in Mexico, who has given us the permission to post his question.
“How do you people stop the restlessness to move? I really would like to settle down somewhere and have some sort of stability in my life. To me it feels like once I have absorbed the “essence” of one place into my life, it’s enough and it’s time to move again, but at the same time I have some long-term goals (including a long-lasting relationship with somebody) that I think are incompatible with a high-mobility lifestyle. But then again, I feel like the driving force of my life becomes stagnant if I stay in one place for too long. Anyway, you all know what I’m talking about. How do you people cope with that or you just don’t?”
Related Posts
26 Comments to “How do you people stop the restlessness to move?”
June 30th, 2008 at 1:53 am
“at the same time I have some long-term goals (including a long-lasting relationship with somebody) that I think are incompatible with a high-mobility lifestyle.”
Just a quick question… What makes you think that having a long-term relationship really incompatible with a high-mobility lifestyle?
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 2:00 am
Because when you are alone you can easily say “the hell with it” and move somewhere else without the responsibility of dragging along another person with you. But when you are committed in a relationship, there are some “sacrifices” that you have to make, because you’re thinking TWO now, not just ONE. And unless that other person is willing to move around with you all along, then I don’t see how a relationship could be maintained, because personally, I don’t believe in long-distance relationships.
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 2:02 am
Hi Jorge,
You’re right that moving around is not the best idea if you want to have a long term relationship with anyone. Moving around doesn’t mean you can’t have a long term relationship but it does make it more difficult.
If having such a relationship is your primary goal, then I’d start out by writing down what kind of a person you’d like to have such a relationship and then make a list of cities where you can realistically live and see if it’s feasible to meet such a person in these locations.
You have one thing going for you. You are male.
It’s much easier for a male to establish a long term relationship than a female because it’s usually the male who doesn’t want to commit.
Rather let’s just say there are more females out there who would like to commit than there are males. This is because females biologically can become pregnant while males can’t.
For example:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7475695.stm
Some males have this funny habit of pursuing only females who don’t like to commit and complaining about this later on to anyone and everyone they meet (especially other females). Don’t fall into this trap.
So once you’ve decided you want a long term relationship, you just have to focus on obtaining this goal just like you did when you got your university degree or new job etc.
Some cities are just not the best places for meeting anyone so I guess you’ll want to avoid those. For example this wonderful city of Torremolinos is a disaster as far as meeting potential partners. You will have a much broader choice if you are in bigger cities, simply because there are more people there.
As for your feeling of ’stagnating’ - I suggest you make it a habit to travel out of your resident country regularly so that it doesn’t get to be suffocating.
You might also try Internet dating sites stating to see what’s out there. These sites are mostly overflowing with serial male daters, and females who want a more long term relationship so you will certainly be at an advantage.
Just a few tips on Internet dating:
1. Get as much information from the other person as you can before going on any date. Make sure you have their recent photo so you can recognize them when you meet them at the local or unlocal coffee shop. If they were dishonest about their photo - you don’t want to have a long term relationship with them because it’s a sign of dishonesty anyway.
2. Agree to meet in a public place and limit the date to 1 hour (just in case it’s a horrible mess and one of you need to get out of there PRONTO!) - with an agreement to no hard feelings - after all, this is Internet dating so the first date shouldn’t hold that much significance. Anyone who feels one date is very significant in this environment should be ignored.
3. Make sure a few of your close friends know where you went and have them call in right after the date or during the date to make sure you are OK. This holds true more for females but you never know what can happen to even males.
4. Read all the warnings in the page of the site where they usually give you all the sensible advice and keep these in mind at all times.
Another thing to keep in mind is that sometimes you find such relationships when you are not looking for them. You however have to interact with people for this to happen at all, so living in isolation and waiting for it to magically happen is not a solution.
Don’t try too hard, but you do have to be proactive about it or nothing will happen either.
Good luck and I hope you find what you are looking for.
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 2:03 am
Hi Jorge,
Hopefully I can give you some tips on settling down.
Firstly I liken moving to a new country (or trying to settle) to trying to have a new friendship with someone. Your experiences of life are different and your expectations of life and of each other are different. You spend time with each other and learn about each other if you are determined to make your relationship work.
Perhaps this may be one reason that TCK’s sometimes find it hard to settle in one place, they are used to abandoning relationships at certain levels if they feel they are going to get hurt.
So having a long term “relationship” with a new country takes time and determination. You have to learn how “it” thinks, its likes and dislikes, its expectations of you and gradually you have more in common and you no longer have to try so hard in your relationship.
Again with a long term relationship it can often feel stagnant if you are not determined to bring a little change into it. Vary your activities, go meet new people,try something new, visit a new place to eat out.
Dont be surprised if things feel stagnant and unchanging if you never do anything different.
As with any relationship, things to start off with can feel exciting and frightening at the same time, we make mistakes, buy the wrong flowers, buy them chocolate with peanuts in to find out they are allergic to nuts. We make a fool of ourselves in front of their friends. Your mother tells them all those stories of when you were a baby.
So to sum up. You are starting out on a relationship with your “new” country, with determination you can have a long term relationship but it takes effort on your part if you want it to work. With time, you work at your relationship to have more in common and it gets easier. To stop your relationship getting stale, you sometimes do new things, share new experiences and gradually you will call your new “friend” home. Sometimes you will need a break from your new partner, no problem, take an occassional trip or holiday.
As for relationships with the opposite sex, again the above applies, the more you share and spend time together with other people the easier it is to make friends, relate to the same things and feel natural together. The hardest thing i think for TCK’s is to persevere with a relationship.
hope that helps a little.
And yep I’m a “settled” TCK, i do occassionally take trips abroad, I vary my life I am married with 3 boys and its very much the people that make me feel at home where I live. I spent time making friends and investing my time in others. It has paid off and I no longer feel the roller coaster ride of emotions that I used to when it comes to feeling at home.
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 2:08 am
Would committing to a relationship really solve restlessness? I know plenty of married couples who struggle with restlessness (you can read some of their post on tckid. A woman made a post about this not long ago.)
Jorge, I could give you some tips on how I deal with it, but I know everyone is different.
What have you done in the past that made you feel less restless and what has worked for you?
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 2:26 am
Hi Ayako,
Thanks for your input on the matter. And yes, as much as I would like to give it a shot at engaging in a long-term relationship, I am not sure it is my primary goal. But yeah there are some opportunity costs that come along with that. Oh well, I guess you just can’t have everything in this life.
Also, I think it’s funny how sometimes people just assume that because you’re a male you are automatically looking to engage in a relationship with a female. No offense taken at all, but it’s just funny
But still, I can certainly use some of those tips. Especially the one-hour thing. I think it would add to the excitement of waiting to go on a second date.
Also, I think it’s vital that the other person understands your TCK background enough in order for a relationship to last, don’t you find?
Cheers!
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 2:29 am
A new country is just like falling in love with someone.
The thrill of falling in love is wonderful. Soon enough, of course … The novelty starts to wear off. And just like love, the new country has a third stage too… disillusion. All of the sudden, the country isn’t as great as it used to be.
Finally, you get bored, fall out of love, and want to move.
So what’s the solution?
In many ways, just like in love, you need to bring the excitement back that you used to have when you first moved. Allow yourself to be seduced by it again. What were the good reasons that made you move there? Make a list of those reasons. What are the positive aspects of this country? Why would it be a great country to settle in? How can you improve your relationship with this place and bring back the excitement you once had?
There’s obviously more to it than that, but that’s my quick answer. I hope that helps!
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 2:41 am
Hi Brice,
Yeah. It would be great to hear how you dealt with it.
You see, to me, some of the best highs in life actually come from when I move to a new place. I feel all revitalized and full of energy, and really happy. I guess in part because everything is novelty and I’m really adventurous. But then, as time passes and as I become more accustomed to things, that boost wears off, so it’s like I have to seek it elsewhere. I can see the itchy as analogous to an addiction.
I guess that in order to find a decent balance in my life without having to keep moving, I will have to forge a career in something that will enable me to travel frequently. That’s something I’m figuring out now that I’m going into my last year of university. I’m a film student, so I think my field of study would allow me that possibility. I think that’s a start. Yet, I do not know where I would like to settle.
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 2:45 am
Nice insight there on the novelty that comes with each move. Yeah, I guess it would be like falling in love.
Does that mean that non-TCKs fall in love with other people, and TCKs fall in love with places? *jokes*
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 2:46 am
Jorge: I thought about putting in the clause about being ‘gay’ because I have some close friends who are - but the mere question of this can offend some people deeply so I left it out…
If you are gay and are looking for a gay ’spinster’ I have a close friend who lives in a gorgeous house in Manila looking for a partner. He loves to travel too and would follow you all over the world… :p
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 2:52 am
Brice: I think what Jorge means with moves being incompatible with a long term relationship is that these days, both people in a relationship whether they are male or female have jobs.
It’s not easy for both people to find a nice job in a new location. Sometimes it’s even impossible for the other person to find work there.
Hence, it makes it much more troublesome than in the 1960s when one of the two was usually a housewife.
Is that what you mean, Jorge?
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 2:59 am
Here’s how I deal with restlessness.
(I’m not sure how useful this will be because my circumstances could be different than yours…)
Personally, I had enough of moving. A couple of years ago, I came to a point where building relationships and planting roots was more important than seeking novelty.
My priorities were clear. After I settled and found my “calling”, I had so many creative activities, things to do, places to go, that it’s now IMPOSSIBLE for me to ever get bored.
In fact, I have so many things to do, I could use a hand! Want to help me? haha
Besides, I don’t ever need to move, I can always take a vacation. It also helped to live in a multicultural neighborhood. And now, I really feel no restlessness at all.
If I were to give general guidelines and rules based on my personal situation, I would say:
1. Have clarity about what you truly want.
2. Follow rule #1
3. Find a way to get it.
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 3:02 am
Hi Greeneaglz,
I just saw your post. Great tips!
I guess it is imperative that you keep reinventing your “relationship” with the city in order for it not to go stale, like you said. That’s also why I don’t think I could live in a small city. I did once for a couple of years (wasn’t my choice), and although I was kinda cool at fist, there came a point where I couldn’t stand the widespread cultural homogeneity. To me it is really important that the city I choose to be in be big culturally rich/diverse so I will never run out of things to do/see. I guess in the end it just comes to a situation where you kinda have to toss a coin to decide where you wanna settle (well, not really toss a coin, but you know that by choosing this one you will be also be missing out on stuff from that one). But yeah, in teh end life is all about choices.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think decision-making is exactly one of the greatest gifts of TCKs.
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 3:14 am
Living in the countryside is usually not a good idea for a TCK.
“I was kinda cool at fist, there came a point where I couldn’t stand the widespread cultural homogeneity.” (Jorge)
They have a hard time accepting different ways to even make: Sangria! The only right way is to make it the way they do in their local area and they argue and argue…argh.
I had to sit there and listen to this girl from Antiquera rant and rave that this boy from Murcia who made Sangria with peaches and lemon was a nutcase and that one should put apples and oranges in it or something…
hehe
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 3:22 am
typo on my last post.. i meant:
you know, being the new kid who had come from abroad and all. hehehe
“… and although IT was kinda cool at first …”
but yeah, that too: I was also cool
Ayako,
Yeah, that’s what I meant. I just assumed both partners would have a job.
And yeah, it would be cool to meet other gay TCKs so should put us in touch. I’m on the “Third culture kids everywhere” group on facebook.
Brice,
Great triad of guideliness. The thing is, I want a bunch of things, but again, I don’t think some of them are compatible with each other :S Also, it’s not easy, since moving and seeing new things also makes you open your eyes and contemplate more possibilities. But yeah, it’s important to prioritize. I have to work on that. I guess the first thing I have to do is decide where I would like to settle. SCARY!
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 3:26 am
lol @ the sangria issue.
Damn, I’m craving a glass of sangria now.
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 5:09 am
Jorge: There is a reason why my dear friend is still single despite all his wonderful attributes and the fact that he does want a long term relationship. I know that if I even ask him to make a Facebook account and mention a ‘Jorge’ he’ll say: Is he guapo?
If I mentioned I knew a guy called Brice he’d ask the same question: Is he guapo?
In fact if I mention any male be it a friend or even my own boyfriend he’d ask the same question: Is he guapo?
I keep telling him that if he wants a long term relationship he has to stop being so shallow - but he never listens! lol
He’s not a shallow person in reality and is a very talented artist and one of the best hosts I can possibly think of (he makes sure all his guests are happy when they’re staying at his house), but he just can’t get over this ‘guapo’ thing!
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 7:04 am
And well, to all of this. Is he guapo?
*jokes*
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 7:05 am
Oh yeah. By the way. I’m writing from the airport right now. Keeping it real. TCK all the way!
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 7:23 am
No to stray away too far from the original post. Those of you who have managed to settle somewhere? How did you choose where to settle? Was it somewhere else you had lived before and you deemed it the best place to become rooted out of all the places you knew, or did you make one last move to a new place with the intention of settling there? If either case, what did you base your choice on? How did you come to the conclusion that that was the best place to settle in?
Cheers!
(Is this spam?)
June 30th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Jorge: haha I think you two would get along just fine! :p
“Those of you who have managed to settle somewhere? How did you choose where to settle?”
OK I don’t want to scare other people but I have been in Spain for about 5 years now and I chose this location without even checking it out properly or thinking about living in a country where I could never learn to speak the language properly or adjust fully to the oh so different culture….but I’m here and I get by.
< —Is this TCKish or what? :p
Now how did this happen?
I was working in London when I went on an Internet date to Spain and chatted with a friend of the date who was selling properties. I also found out that Spain would issue the kind of residency visa that would permit me to live here.
So I purchased two properties and moved here around 5 years ago and am became kind of rooted since the only property I own in the world is in Spain.
I rent out one property so I have a regular income and I live in the other.
Believe me - I ran into lots of trouble like ending up with a tenant who stopped paying me and lingered for over a year. He still owes me more than 9000 euros and I will never see this money.
This 1.5 years was tough. I’d already had to get used to spending less money but during this period I really went back to saving pennies, because there was no guarantee that this tenant could be kicked out in years….because this is Spain.
Maybe one day I will write a detailed saga of how rough it was in the beginning when I arrived in Spain. Frankly not speaking the language was the least of my worries even though it seemed to exacerbate the problems I had … or did it really?
There are lots of things in Spain that speaking the language won’t solve…like when you still don’t have electricity in your flat and Semana Santa arrives.
You just have to learn to live by candle light for another week or two.
I guess that’s why I keep saying plan your move more carefully and look for another job before you quit your current job….these are all the things I never ever managed to do and believe me, I paid for it.
(Is this spam?)
July 1st, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Hi Jorge, I have settled in a place that I really enjoy and will probably stay here for a while, but the restlessness remains. To help take the edge off, I travel a lot and am always seeking out new adventures - new people, places, hobbies…I create change where I can, to give the illusion of something new - clothing style, home redecorating, hair colour/style, etc.
I make all of my choices to allow for mobility - career (medicine), my children’s education (homeschool), marriage (husband equally able and willing to travel and change homes), money (live below my means to create more disposable income for less work dependency and therefore more time/money to travel). My husband and I maintain a home base (we have moved often, but within the same area so that our children have a sense of home), but travel often and far from home (continuing education for a job is a good way to travel and have it paid for by someone else or at least, in the US, tax deducted). It helps that me husband is a wannabe ATCK and wants our children to be TCKs
To answer your question - “How do you stop the restlessness?” - I haven’t and I don’t know how to. I have made it work to my advantage and don’t let it get in the way of common sense and practicality.
(Is this spam?)
July 1st, 2008 at 1:09 pm
I just thought of something I wanted to add - Brice is right, living in a multicultural place helps tremendously. And I agree with Ayuko, planning is important.
As for long-term relationships, having a partner with an easily transferable profession helps - education, medicine (human or veterinary), organizational development, aviation, plant and soil sciences, musician (more than you might think - especially studio), artist, designer, etc.
(Is this spam?)
July 2nd, 2008 at 6:20 pm
don’t worry too much. keep traveling and when someplace/someone worth settling for comes into your life, you’ll know and it will be natural. At least i hope!! I can’t stay in any place too long myself…..
(Is this spam?)
July 3rd, 2008 at 2:17 pm
I have come to the conclusion, that the reason I feel the need to travel so much, is not because I need to see and visit other places (even though, it is something I greatly enjoy doing), but it’s mostly because I am searching for something specific.
Then the world would be the size of a village for me. Well…. not a village… but yeah… you get my meaning.
I’m searching for a place that has that right ‘blend’ of things, places, cultures, that I love from all over the world.
However, I’m never going to find a place that incorporates everything I love in the various countries I lived in.
My friends are not all suddenly going to move to some place, or Temple bar in Dublin and Far east plaza in Singapore are not suddenly going to appear side by side. The small hill my brother and I used to sleigh down during christmas in Luxembourg as kids, Tivoli in Copenhagen (AMAZING), Glatt and Bahnhoffstrasse in Zurich, Bakerzin(Yes, this shop deserves special interest. They have THE best oreo cheesecake I’ve ever had…*drool*) and Borders in Singapore,(anyone had those banana pancakes at the marriot?*more drool*) (Adore that place), Costes on Sentosa(Burgers..pizza…alio olio…), st stephens green park, dundrum. Or that last house we lived in in Zurich. My uncles house in Tipp, my grandparents place in Fyn, my fathers in Holland. All of the market places on local streets that I’ve been too.. and yeah, those I haven’t been too as well
These are only a very small amount of the places I would pick if I could make up my own home. Really, what I want, is instantaneous travel to any place
I am never satisfied with any place I travel too because I am searching for an impossible blend of places all together, a blend only I would ever want unless someone grew up with an extremely similar background to myself. In the end, I know what I am looking for, but I know I’m never going to find it. So I cope with that fact. I don’t know if I will ever find a place I can truly settle down in. But I’ve got my whole life ahead of me, and who knows. Maybe one day I will stop wondering.
I kinda doubt it though. I love the lifestyle too much.
(Is this spam?)
July 4th, 2008 at 12:53 am
If you love your lifestyle too much why change it? There are no rules saying we have to settle down in one place. That’s just another thing society has to say to people in general like:
1. You need to find a partner.
2. You need to get married.
3. You need to settle down.
4. You need to have children.
5. You need to go on holiday to some cool location.
6. etc
None of the above is really necessary is it? Unlike finding a job or finding some income source if you don’t have 10 million in the bank at your disposal?
So long as you manage to stay afloat - everyone should just keep doing what they like doing.
That’s my personal opinion.
If you like being single and traveling the world - why conform to societal pressures and ruin your life? And nobody has to travel when they’re on holiday unless they want to! Be a couch potato if that’s what you prefer….
There are enough people out there reproducing so I really wouldn’t worry about the human race dying out just because you didn’t do your bit.
(Is this spam?)