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How can you belong?… and if you never had a sense of belonging, can you ever get it?

Brice

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Brice

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How can you belong?… and if you never had a sense of belonging, can you ever get it? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

An interview with expert Donna Musil, filmmaker of Brats: Our Journey Home.


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July 13, 2008 | Filed Under General Forum, Videos 

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7 Responses to “How can you belong?… and if you never had a sense of belonging, can you ever get it?”

  1. 1
    Brice
    Brice Says:
    July 13th, 2008 at 12:27 pm

    Spoiler warning: When she said “no, you can’t”… I had a mini-heart attack.

    But seriously, I was thinking about this recently… I had good monocultural friends, but whenever I’m in a group, I realized I’m often drawn to people who are outsiders or foreigners. I don’t even consciously think about it… it just happens.

    (Is this spam?)

  2. 2
    Unregistered
    MsMerising Says:
    July 13th, 2008 at 12:35 pm

    You know we do :)

    I don’t have one Anglo-American acquaintance. Every Caucasian I vibe with is like me - Ethnic. Or from a “world city” but always in an inter-racial relationship.

    We are unique people…and I’m fine with that :)

    (Is this spam?)

  3. 3
    mmmmmm
    mmmmmm Says:
    July 13th, 2008 at 1:38 pm

    sigh… classic.
    but i wish it could make non-TCKs understand. I think we would all get this interview but if we can ever come up with sumthing tat actually convinces non-TCK of how it’s like… it would take a miracle.
    but i am still going to create it.

    (Is this spam?)

  4. 4
    Unregistered
    Kristina J. Adams Says:
    July 14th, 2008 at 7:26 am

    I had a sense of belonging when I lived in Austria, growing up…but when we began our moving repeatedly after that stage, I began feeling that uncomfortable sense of non-belonging.

    I finally realized I had to almost “force” myself to settle down. At one point, I had been considering becoming involved in non-profit ministry (is that redundant?), and for that needed support through a church or mission organization. I figured out that I really had no connection to any church or organization in a consistant manner that would support me. That made sense to me, with or without committing to an overseas ministry.

    I got married right after college (I earned an elementary ed. degree), and began working at a preschool I had looked up in the phone book. I had had a terrible student teaching experience, and was intimidated by the American school system. I then decided to work in a travel agency, which is when I realized I just needed to commit to what I just spent 6.5 years and over $50,000 to receive. Plus my husband was getting really frustrated…;)

    There’s a German saying, “Aller anfang ist schwer” (all beginnings are difficult). My dad would always quote that to me as I was calling them up, crying, wherever they were at the time in Europe as I was struggling to fit in through college. It irritated the crap out of me at the time, but I found myself using that as a sort of mantra as I began the new chapter in my life.

    It was incredibly difficult, but totally worth it. I have been here 12 years, and have made close friends I feel comfortable calling anytime whether it’s for something simple like shopping or more complicated like an emotional meltdown.

    They might not totally “get it”, but they listen…as I do with them (even though I don’t have the same experiences that they do). And after a while, it changes from a TCK problem to a human problem. Same feelings are involved…different perspective, but that’s what broadens both our perspectives. I feel the most belonging I’ve ever felt, and am so thankful for my life and my friends who accept me, even though I’m not always so easy to love!;)

    (Is this spam?)

  5. 5
    Unregistered
    Ruth Says:
    July 18th, 2008 at 7:47 pm

    I think this quote from Kristina about sums up what finding a sense of belonging has been for me:

    regarding non-TCK friends: “They might not totally “get it”, but they listen…as I do with them (even though I don’t have the same experiences that they do). And after a while, it changes from a TCK problem to a human problem. Same feelings are involved…different perspective, but that’s what broadens both our perspectives”

    Finding a sense of belonging is a two way street…not only hoping others listen to me but me to them. At that point, because we are all persons/human beings, as Kristina said, I can relate to similar emotions in their stories that connect with me in mine, even though the details are very different. Yes, I have a quick bond with others who are from international backgrounds when we meet, but the more I understand the dynamics behind the characteristics we often share as TCKs, the more I can apply those principles to others and grow from them and them from me…and find my roots with others wherever I am!

    (Is this spam?)

  6. 6
    Unregistered
    corymz Says:
    August 16th, 2008 at 2:20 am

    In my case, things are complicated by the fact that what I feel can’t even be called reverse culture chock, because I didn’t go to college in my passport country, but in a third country (Spain). I’m from Latin America, and so people expect that I should have no problem fitting in Spain because of culture and language. However, I was partly raised in the US and my personality was greatly influenced by the years I spent there. So people are very shocked because I’m so quiet and can get overwhelmed by Spaniards and their outgoing nature, or have views so radically different from theirs.

    I don’t think that it is impossible to have non-TCK friends…I have quite a few, but they are different from most non-TCKs in that they actually want to hear about my prior life and that they accept and like me for being different. So it’s not that I absolutely cannot establish relationships with locals, but it’s usually a lot harder than with other mobile people. That said, I must say my best best friends are TCKs.

    I think it’s good advice to look for people with similar experiences and not try to hide who you are to fit in with everyone else. In my case, it is hardly possible, because I live in Spain, and since I left international school 4 years ago, I haven’t met one single Spanish TCK. I have tried to look for foreign students, but it’s really no different than with Spaniards, because most of them are monocultural and just see their stay in Spain as 6 months of getting really drunk.

    My strategy these past 4 years I’ve spent in college has been keeping in touch with my friends from international school and trying to open up to locals. Skype, frequent traveler miles, and Facebook (as ridiculous as it is) have made this first part go quite smoothly. The second part has been a partial success: I have made a small but good group of friends at university, but I sometimes still feel like I’m really different from them.

    Next year, when I finish school, I’m probably going to move somewhere else…it’s the itchy-feet feeling again :)

    (Is this spam?)

  7. 7
    miyon
    miyon Says:
    August 16th, 2008 at 6:06 pm

    I identify with what Kristina said and was quoted by and explained further by Ruth. Before it seems so challenging and impossible to find a non-TCK who can understand me as a person who has TCK characteristics. Then, I met many non-TCKs at church who still do not fully understand my problems but are truly caring and want to pray together. Because of my own problems, I could relate to their problems as well. I do not fully understand them as they don’t about me, but when it comes to being human I become more vulnerable and do not expect them to get my problems. I just have the desire to pray for them, to support them, and to walk with them. I still have odd-ball moments when they are with other non-TCKs and I am the only person who does not share the same background. Honestly I get frustrated at times.

    But knowing that there is a community of TCKs like tckid has given me the power to know my source and not feel like a complete outsider. I know now that I am not alone in what I thought were my flaws and needed to be fixed to fit in better.

    I am grateful as I am writing this because I have been living in Illinois for 7 years. 4 years of high school and 3 years in college so far. Though the two schools are located 3 hours away from each other, being forced to stay in one state has given me tremendous benefits. I have had much restlessness and wanted to escape the reality, and move away else where but the circumstances made me stay. Due to this I was able to develop at least two to three years of close friendships in the college town (and 6 to 7 years the longest with some high school friends) which never seemed to be an option during childhood years. My family has moved in average of 2 years from a country to another. Before high school, it got worse and the duration of stay was less than a year in each place.

    I had dark days in high school and even in college I was met with many challenges that led me to loneliness and depression but I am very thankful for where I am and who I have become. I normally would not write long descriptions of my own life story but I wanted to share with you how thankful I am and what a blessing is this life I live.

    (Is this spam?)

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