There was nothing more painful to me than both the time I left Jakarta, and the time I finished university in Switzerland. The pain wasn't so much direct, or in dread of the leaving, but took place over long periods after having left.

Honestly, there's probably no way that I can personally recommend as a way to prepare yourself for this leaving, except that by knowing how long you have left, you can make the most of it. Do everything, meet everyone, go everywhere, and generally just make sure that once you're gone you keep regrets to a minimum.

The truth is too that you'll never really be able to go back. The place will change, the friends you had may leave, and they'll grow and change too. So that's all the more reason to make the most of it while you've got it.

Also -- let me know where in Canada you are moving and we can find you the local TCK group there ;)

daniela@tckid.com

Hi Stefanie!

I can relate; every day I was afraid that the parts of me growing up in Germany, Portugal, Cyprus or Romania are withering away with every year that I am live in the U.S.

I was sickly worried in fact, until about two years ago when I went back to key places in my life - very emotional trip and realized that they are all still a very strong part of me, will never leave me and I should embrace the new experiences I gained.

The other great thing though to keep in mind, because you are a TCK, you will adapt well -- and most of all you're not saying goodbye forever, because you are a TCK your nature will be to travel and you will return to Lebanon through the years if you desire to do so ;)

I really appreciate all the comments above.

Cynthia, your story reminded me of the time when I was one month away from turning to 16. That was when my parents announced that we were moving to the U.S. from Korea. Within 2-3 weeks, after having stayed in Korea for only 10 months, we flew to the U.S. I still have mixed feelings about the time when I heard the news. I was expecting to live in Korea for more than 3 years and bam, I am told we are moving again! It was frustrating to not have control over my life and also not having said proper good-byes to several friends of mine still remain as unresolved grief. This is one of the big reasons I am planning to return to Korea to visit the places I lived and the middle schools I attended. The memories I have of Korea seem to have stopped where I left off last time. I would like to face Korea as an adult and challenge the unrealistic thoughts I had during childhood and replace with mature understandings.

Hi Meggy!

Your story reminded me of mine and I would really like to share it with you if I may. I actually wrote an entry on this but I can't seem to find it any more :( It's quite long but I'm going to make it short.

When I was 14 I had to move all of a sudden. It was highly unexpected. I was enjoying my summer one year in Thailand, was really psyched about starting a new school year because I will be going into high school when my mom got a phone call from my dad who was overseas at the time and spent forever on it. It turns out that my dad had decided we should move again but without warning, it was like "Hi hon, I found a job in China, we need to move within the next month or so." And that was it. The decision was made, the kids had no say and that was that.

It never sank in. When I went back to school during the new school year to say goodbye to friends it felt odd to be the only person not in my school uniform - I was not a student of that school any more. My friends were surprised to see me not in my uniform and to hear that I am leaving. My closest friends were so shocked they didn't know what to do with me - I was still shocked.

When I left Thailand for China it felt like I left it in a hurry. I didn't have time to say good bye, to visit the places that I used to, to say good bye properly to all that I used to know. It was just here today, gone tomorrow.

And it became an unresolved grief. It has always been that way until I finally found closure just last year when I returned to Thailand by myself and backtracked to all of what I used to know - and then I moved on.

I know I left out a lot of details in this story but what I want you to know is please please please do not let this happen to you. Please please please say proper good byes to everything that you know in the Middle East because life will definitely be different when you move to Canada. But don't let the good byes be "This is it, I won't be back" because you will be back but please don't let it be the reason for closure. It is important that you have closure when you leave the Middle East - that once you step on the plane you are already prepared to open another chapter of your life.

But you have such great support and advice on this forum and you are doing the right thing to come here for advice - I just wish I had this when I had to deal with it, please don't let the same thing happen to you. Good luck! :)

This situation doesn't have to traumatize you at all - you have a lot more strength than you think you do; but you do have to understand your priorities.

If you think that family is the most important for you, then you have to see the good sides of moving to Canada. Your parents have personal motives, and since you care about family integrity, you also care about your parent's needs. Imagine staying in Lebanon at the cost of having miserable parents. Maybe you think your parents aren't paying enough attention to your own motives - in that case you should confront them, and tell them about it, force them to listen to you. Standing up to one's parents is difficult, but its something that has to be learned, and with something as important as this to you, I think it is necessary. Even if your parents overrule you - it is important that they know what troubles you, so that they stand by your side when you move back. They should be able to help you make the best out of every situation.
Of course you are still in your parents care, thus their problems are in quite a direct way your problems as well. I admit, the relationship isn't equally balanced, but that is something you have to accept if family is at the top of your priority list.

If you don't want to be under your parent's complete control anymore, there are other solutions as well - you could stay in Lebanon on your own. I got sent away to spent three years of my life alone in the world, two in boarding schools(Germany and Poland), and one with a host family(Novosibirsk, Russia); I only saw my parents once every 4-5 months, and I have mixed feelings about those experiences.
Its just one of the possibilities, and you should make that choice by yourself, organise the entire thing, and convince your parents to support it. At your age though, I'd still recommend going with your parents. I was 18 when I first decided to distance myself from my parents and take over my own responsibility - it was very hard, and it took me about 2 years to get a good grip on myself. Had I made that decision a bit earlier, I don't think that I would have managed to finish school, which from where I am standing now, would have made matters much more difficult in the long run.

You're afraid that your life in Canada might lose its meaning; the western culture also implies a meaning of life, but which is much more complicated than that what you usually find elsewhere in the world. It will be difficult to see that at the beginning, and I think that you joining an organisation to actively participate in is a good idea. If you actively confront people with your doubts, after a while you should be able to piece together an image what life in Canada is about. (I joined a fraternity at Uni, which is a crash-course in German values. I now feel much better oriented than when I first came here.)

Even if after you've stayed in the "western civilization" for a while, you still decide that life in Lebanon is what you identify with, you will have gotten to know a very important culture - because as far as my experience is concerned, there isn't a place on this planet that escapes the influnce of western economics and politics.

Cheers, and keep you head up!

Heya :)

I grew up all over the place so I had to leave friends and "homes" behind relatively often. I imagine it's tougher for you than it was for me because you pretty much only lived in Lebanon so it's home now but I always got through the moves by seeing it not as leaving something behind but going to someplace new and exciting where new friends are waiting to be made and where people do strange things.
Enjoy the change knowing that nowadays the world is much smaller than it was even just 10 years ago. You can chat with your friends online or phone them up and there are lots of ways to visit each other. Also, the move doesn't have to be forever. If you really want to, you can go back someday. You'll be a grown-up soon, you're not going to be tied to your parents for long.

Thanks Tab, I really appreciated your post, and dont worry you dont sound like a therapist :)
I think I'll try your idea about painting my feelings... and I really get what you mean about bottling the hurt inside
Scott, thanks for your encouragement on not being afraid of canada... I'm not exactly afraid, I guess, except of becoming like them. I grew up in a land where peoples lives, even if the west doesn't think they're very big or important, have meaning. i just dont see that anywhere in Canada... and I dont want to be like them, nor do I want Canada to be my home. I guess chossing to have this attitude is going to make living there harder than it needs to be, but whatever.
I like your idea about finding some organization to get involved in! I never ever thought of that before and I think its a great idea... I might even be able to find people who aren't convinced that middle easterners are alwasy terrorists >.<

I really appreciate averyones advice - I didn't think I'd get nearly this much response when I hadn't really posted in here before... :S thanks!!

I can really relate to this situation . . . I lived in egypt for 5 years, and because of something unexpected, we moved back rather suddenly. All of this is great advice. when i left, i decided not to say goodbye, because i was in so much pain about leaving. I just managed to say "see you later" to my best friend. It was something i really regretted doing later. Grieving is like a tree in the sidewalk. if you just leave it alone, it will grow and destroy it. so it's important to really say goodbye.
Also, don't forget to take tons of pictures, etc. Preserve it and you will smile later on. Don't be afraid of cannada. I know it's probably really hard now to think of enjoying it when all you want to do is go back, but if you live in the past, you can't move ahead. Take up new friends and don't be afraid to put yourself out there. For me, i am always surprised at how kind people were, but be prepared. cultivating relationships with non-tcks tends to take more work and time, but it is possible. Also, if you can find an organization for Middle Eastern things which you can get involved in, that helps allot. Making those connections for me has made me feel more at home, and not quite so alien sometimes!
For me, I also had a hard time keeping contacts, because i was afraid of confronting the hurt that existed(probably compounded by the lack of saying goodbye). However, don't be afraid to say hi. your friends I am sure understand, and in the world of technology today, you can still have your friends help out by writing letters when you move/ chatting, etc. But don't spend all your time doing that! lol
Best Wishes!

I totally agree with Lauren and Miyon! :) Treasure the past, treasure all of your memories. However, also allow the hurt. It DOES hurt and it´s allowed to hurt. Letting something "hurt" is not a very pleasant thought, but it´s good for the healing process. Out my own experience I know that when I ignored the hurt and tried to erase it, it came back later in time and hurt even more. If you allow your true feelings to come out you won´t be as likely to bottle them up and let them get bitter (what I mean is: it´s ok to cry; if you want talk to someone you trust about what you´re feeling, then do; maybe it helps you to write everything down or maybe you like to do something artistic like painting your feelings, creating some kind of collage or photo album, writing a song etc......there are many ways to bring your thoughts and feelings out...whatever you want - just be careful about bottling them all up inside. I hope that makes sense. =)
I just realized I sound like a therapist (I´m not :)...but being creative and putting my thoughts into pictures helped me to deal with the hurt of moving (and my high-mobility-life:).

Thank you Miyon, I was so thankful when I read your post. its so... releiving to hear from others who know what this all feels like... thanks for understanding and encouraging me...

Lauren - thanks a whole bunch for your post I really liked it... I've been trying to keep my past a treasure recently, and laughing at the fun memories instead of hurting. in answer to your question, yes!! you can most definitly pray for me! I would love it if you did! and we've been in the middle east since mid-march.... I wrote the post only a few days before leaving and at the moment I'm not in Lebanon but I'm in syria (just to the north) and will be going back in the middle of April, then flying back the canada on the 23rd. our time here has just flown by... its been fun, but in a bittersweet way, because its so amazing seeing all our old friends here but its so hard saying goodbye to them.

Sorry for taking so long to reply, I haven't had intenet access for a long time...

Stefanie,

As one teenage TCK to another, I can totally relate to you!

I was born in Kenya and grew up there for a total of 11 years, but spent some intermittent years in the states on furloughs. About 3 years ago (wow, it doesn't feel like it has been that long....) because of personal, family issues my family was uprooted from Kenya and moved to Indiana, where i expected to spend my 7th and 8th grade years and then go back, but in the middle of my 8th grade year, my parents decided we weren't going to go back, at least to stay. This summer we are going back to Nairobi to say goodbye.

The best advice I can give you, is to treasure your past- it is a defining factor of who you are and gives you a unique outlook on life; embrace the future- it is an adventure leading to even greater experiences and happiness, it will not happen immediately, it will not always be easy, it takes time and patience but; be open- people will fall unexpectedly into your life that you will find you can be yourself with, be truly happy around, and i completely agree with miyon, don't shut yourself up (i know from my own experience) it hurts.

Sometimes it will be hard to keep going, a lot of pple in the states and im sure canada, simply cannot understand us, relate to us, but there will be those few pple who do. And trust me, it does get better. This site here will help too, here there are pple who can completely relate to what we are going through, pple who want to here all those stories and truly do care. And despite some of the hardships you may encounter, better times are in the future, everything will work out, and just never forget that you are not alone, that there are people that do care about you, what your going through, what you've gone through, what you have to say, we care, and you are never alone. :) sorry that was a bit repetitive

May i ask when you are going back to Lebanon? and If I may, may i pray for you and your family?

Stefanie,

I am sorry to hear that you have to leave everything behind, yet to move again. I know how painful it is to say goodbye, as though you are leaving a part of yourself behind. It hurts.

I know this may be such a frightening thing to think about, to move again and to a place where you have to start all over.

Stefanie, from the view of a person who has experienced unwanted and unexpected moves, I would like to tell you that it is important that you say good-byes to your current friends properly. This doesn't mean you won't see them ever again. Some of the familiar faces you may continue to keep in touch, others you may not. But what is important is to have this proper closure before leaving the place, but not to shut yourself from people because it hurts.

You may not understand why this has to happen but you know looking back later in life you will come to appreciate it more.

I hope you all the best, Stefanie. Feel free to express your feelings here.