Finally, an introduction. | TCKID 2.0

Finally, an introduction.

Hey everyone,

I’ve been visiting this site for quite a while now, but I don’t think I’ve ever made an official introduction, so here it goes.
My name is Grace and I’ve only lived two places. Sometimes I feel like a “fake” TCK because I’ve only moved to a different country once. However, I can relate to the feelings that so many people here mention and do consider myself a TCK. I think it’s mostly because I went through 3 different school systems, and a lot of the traveling I did while away from Canada really shaped me. Also because the 4 years I spent abroad were between the ages of 12 and 16, which I believe are some of the most crucial in one’s life.

So here is my story summed up: Lived in Canada (Aylmer, Quebec to be exact) for my first twelve years (I lived in 4 different houses), moved to the Netherlands when I was 12, went to a French Lycee there for 3 years, switched to the american system for my last year, then moved back to Aylmer for my last year of high school, went to a small community college there, and moved to Montreal last December.

Since I moved to Europe, I went from disappointed, to excited, to amazed, to sad, to depressed, to happy, to self-conscious, to clinically depressed, to self-harmful, to obese, to demotivated, to rock bottom, to hopeful, to happy, to ecstatic, to alcoholic, to depressed, to hopeful, to disappointed, to hopeless, to satisfied.

And I think that’s where I am now. Satisfied. With most parts of my life, I am happy. Actually, with almost all. I have a wonderful boyfriend who I am going to marry and be with forever. I have a great job, and am probably accepted into Nursing at Dawson College in Fall. I have the most amazing future to look forward to. I have a great family who I am close to and I am financially stable and couldn’t ask for anything more.

The only thing I’m dissatisfied with — and which I think is the base to a happy fulfilling life (and the only real part missing in mine) — is friendships (here comes more of a rant, so feel free to stop reading here :P ). I just can’t make friends. Actually, that’s not true. I’m great at *making* friends, I just — as harsh as this sounds — don’t care about hardly anyone. It’s not meeting people that’s the problem. I’m not socially awkward and I can usually hold a good conversation. I also know I can feel, so I’m not completely emotionless. I deeply love my family, my dogs and of course my boyfriend. I know what caring is. Just when it comes to meeting people, I just don’t care. So many people who consider me their friend, I care about as much as any person I see walking down the street. I feel no connection, no bond, nothing. As much as I try. There’s just a wall. I know this is from moving. It’s just a defense mechanism, I’m afraid of getting close to people, because I’m afraid of losing them. I get the concept, I know *why* it happens, I just don’t know how to fix it. I just miss having someone I can call anytime to meet up with, or have a girl’s night out, or having someone to tell all my problems to. I want it, but I’m unable to feel that feeling of *wanting* to do that with a particular person, because to have the desire, you have to like the person and feel something. But I don’t. Ever. As hard as I try. Sometimes it just feels like a burden to talk to people, so I keep to myself. Then that’s misinterpreted as me being anti-social or disrespectful. But that’s not my intention. It’s nothing personally against whoever it is. I just don’t feel like I have the energy to talk to them. It’s gotten to the point that I’ve given up. Part of me is bitter about it — I get almost jealous when I see close friends and wish for it so bad. The other side of me is just kind of used to it. I have the close connection with my boyfriend and do all the best friend stuff with him. It would just be nice to have another person/people too. And it mostly bothers me when my boyfriend isn’t around, because that’s when I realise just how lonely I am.

Maybe it’s because I haven’t found anyone I can really relate to. I don’t know. Anyway, sorry for ranting. Feel free to post any comments or advice you might have for me.

You can also email me at grace.patry@hotmail.com or add me on Facebook.

Thanks everyone and take care!

-Grace :)

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Posted by Graceh_Face at 4:58 pm on May 1st, 2009. Comments
Categories: Introduction.

  • Daniela
    Hi Grace,

    I feel just about identical, as I have wandered the European - US countries as well, however, we are just as TCK as anyone. The places we've been are different cultures, thus in our minds creating a "third" culture.

    Anyhow-- I would love to chat with you sometime! I'll be sure to connect with you on Facebook :)
  • Talareno
    I can relate to the just not caring about meeting people, but in reality you want to. I always thought it was because I was shy but now am beginning to think that my upbringing reinforced it; my parents were very protective especially since we were attending a primarily American school & their Latin culture did not fit it particularly well, especially with my mother who essentially spoke only Spanish & had to care for three kids in a Malay/Chinese/Indian/English-speaking country while my father was away for weeks at a time. I think meeting others who have a shared experience is key to establishing new relationships right now, not having to explain certain things (not feeling like you belong to one place, not thinking the same way as everyone at work etc.) will make things go more smoothly at first & later on one can expand the circle of friends to more "regular" people.
  • L
    Hey Grace!

    Moving countries is a big deal, even if you "only" do it once. Being a TCK isn't about how many times you move during your formative years- but how your lifestyle has affected you. Don't feel that your experience is any less valid!

    Also, I feel what you're saying about the whole friendship thing. It's a similar situation for me, too, where I do not care about "friends" on any particularly deep level. Some days that's more apparent than others but at the same time my intention is not to hurt anyone. Unfortunately my lack of keeping in touch and nurturing 'friendships' is often misinterpreted. I don't know if I would attribute this to a defense mechanism... Although I think that's worth looking into and would provide a nice and sane excuse or reason.. :p

    It's great that you can connect with your partner, but I think I understand why you're worried about not having any other people around to connect to. It's scary to depend on just one person to be the love of your life and your best friend at the same time. Maybe try some of the questions Brice wrote down and even though it may initially feel like a burden- put some time into your "friendships".
    It could be worthwhile to have these kinds of resources, in case of emergency.

    .... I sound a bit manipulative and cold-hearted when it comes to relationships.... I don't mean to. I love people. I really do. But you gotta think of survival stuff etc.

    Much love,

    L
  • Brice
    Hey Grace,

    Wow, I feel like I was reading about myself!

    I just wanted to say I read your post and I know how you feel because I've been there too -- it was very frustrating and I felt alone. I'm here to tell you you're definitely *not* alone.

    I overcome these challenges by getting help from my mentors who asked me very good questions. I'll try to do the same with you.

    You said you missed having someone to tell all your problems to, having a girl's night out, and call anytime to meet up with ...

    1. How did you do it before? Who did you connect with? What were they like? What was the context and circumstances?

    Looking at your previous friendships will give you clarity on how you connected. If you can remember how you did it before, then you're more likely to have the same results if you use the same strategy.

    2. What would have to happen for you to like someone and feel connected with them?

    If the previous question gives you answers like "But my situation was different before, etc..." then this question will help you clarify what's important to you when you connect to someone now.

    Once you realize what you need from a friendship -- I'm assuming it's comfort and trust like most people -- then you'll be more likely to find people who can give you what you want.

    3. Where can you find people like that?

    You're in Montreal right? We have a local group there. You're probably going to find people there you can relate to. But don't limit yourself to our local group, where else could you find people like that?

    4. What's a small action you can take right now to connect with 1 person?

    5. How can you help them?


    These questions changed my life, I hope it helps you too.

    Much love,
    B

    P.S: If you want to stalk me, I'm over here:
    http://briceroyer.com/challenge
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