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Eye contact
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What’s your culture’s social etiquette regarding eye contact?
I grew up for a portion of my childhood among the Native and Inuit, who regard direct eye contact as a form of rudeness, insult, disrespect, and challenge. The only time eye contact is used is when you want to communicate something across a room without words. Eye contact is especially rude if you are meeting someone for the first time, or if they are older than you, most definitely if they are an elder.
This custom doesn’t seem to translate well into white North American life. I’ve been told constantly that I need to look at people when I’m talking to them, that I appear rude, shy, shifty, and untrustworthy! Because when I’m talking to someone I always (respectfully, as in native culture) look down at the ground, or at their shirt or their nose or the wall or my hands, anywhere but their eyes. My eyes constantly dart all over the place, trying to find somewhere else to look while I’m talking. It must appear strange and disconcerting to most people, I guess, and probably doesn’t help me in job interviews or anywhere else.
I’ve gotten to the point where I actually notice when I’m doing it, but i haven’t been able to stop it yet. I can’t force myself to stare into people’s eyes when I’m talking to them, it just seems so awkward, hostile, and confrontational.
Any others who have experienced this? Any suggestions on how to get over my long-standing third-culture habit of avoiding eye contact?
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July 22nd, 2008 at 2:01 am
A Filipina acquaintance married to an Englishman complained about this. Filipinos make eye contact but I think the eye contact is different from what the English expect. :p Maybe it’s more subtle or there are different rules on who you make that eye contact with?
The Spanish demand that you make eye contact too and take it as a sign of dishonesty if you don’t do this, i.e. you have something to hide or are lying. < ---Or so I have been told, but since they never seem to be able to agree among themselves about anything I'm not sure if this is the standard.
I have an awkward phase when moving between very different cultures and I have to change a lot of little things to be normal again.
For example in the US you say hi and make small talk at the cash register. This isn't something you do in Japan as a rule. In Spain, it's pretty much the same as in the US, except you have to be able to say a hell of a lot more than the standard US stuff (which I could easily learn to say in Spanish) and my bad Spanish prevents me from doing an entire gossip/talk show at the cash register so I just say: Hola. Que tal?
I don't remember what it was like in London, but I remember that this sullen English lady with a sour face became very friendly after I'd been going in to buy coffee every morning for about 5 months or so. She became chatty and sympathetic and the guy behind the counter selling coffee asked me out on a date >< (argh).
Even in Spain, the security personnel are supposed to tape your backpack zippers shut when you go in but some of them see me in there so many times a week and this has been going on for so long that they just let me walk right through :p
Different rules for people you 'know' and people you don't know I guess?
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July 22nd, 2008 at 9:32 pm
You know, it’s the same with Aborigines.
And while I never grew up with them, I do tend to hide my eyes when I first met someone who’s my better or my elder. I can’t quite explain it, but I like the way Ayako phrased it: “it’s more subtle.”
It’s not that I won’t make eye contact at all, I normally do make contact, then purposefully bow my head…
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July 23rd, 2008 at 3:34 am
I think in Chinese culture, you’re not actually meant to make direct eye contact, or at least not prolonged eye contact with someone, specially your elders. I find it really difficult to keep eye contact for a long time, but in Australia they do seem to keep eye contact all the time, so I’ve been trying, but it doesn’t really work sometimes. XD
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July 23rd, 2008 at 5:37 am
In the Korean culture, it is rude to look straight at the elders (and other older people) the entire time you are talking. It comes off rude so like Ayako said you have to have “subtle” moments and find some time looking down (not up! haha). when i came to the U.S., this was one thing i had to get used to since when i avoided eye contacts, it looked like i had low self-esteem or not confident. another thing i vividly remember is that when teachers said hi to me, i would bow to them 90 degrees while saying “hello” haha
this is such an asian thing to do but it just felt so awkward to not bow at all when saying hi. i think i gradually decreased the angle of bow and turned it into a nice bounce of the head that looks like a nod
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July 23rd, 2008 at 9:09 pm
Oh…that’s where that came from…
Haha, whoops–I’m so wonderfully aware of my cultural background!
Yeah, I never quite mastered the proper bow (it never really came up), but I do always tilt my head down. Even if I’m just walking down the street, if I see my elder (especially Asian), I bow my head.
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July 24th, 2008 at 5:57 am
Actually, my friend just did this the other day. They normally look me in the eye when they talk to me and usually I do manage to keep my head up for about 80% f the conversation, but for some reason, I just felt this sudden urge to bow my head, I couldn’t really look at them for too long that day, lol. Another cultural conflict comes to life!
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