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Expecting Death

jackrabbit

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jackrabbit

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When you live in a place where violence and death are commonplace and you expect any friend or anyone around, at any age, to die at any time, how does this effect the way you deal with later life experiences, and your whole outlook on life, friendship, and security?

Perhaps people who’ve lived in war zones or areas with high violence or civil unrest or even a ghetto could relate to what I went through in my childhood. I viewed it as normal and didn’t even realize, until yesterday actually, how much it affects how I handle life.

On the reservation where I spent a part of my childhood, death was rampant. Those who survived were the lucky ones. Violence was an everday part of life - I grew up hearing constant gunshots. Drinking and drugs also caused a lot of death, either from overdose, car accidents, or walking around in a T-shirt at -40 and freezing to death. Besides that there were feral dogs, bears, and starving wolves who would come brazenly into town and attack in broad daylight. The knowledge everyone I knew might possibly not be alive later in the day was just a normal part of my existence. No person was safe, not even young children, from the violence. Sometimes children were the source of violence. Even now, whenever I mention a friend or aquaintance from the reserve, I always add the obligitory suffix: “That is, if they’re still alive.”

I wonder if this is the reason I constantly fear the death and funerals of my family and friends, even all the ones off-reserve and in safe areas. I read the obituary pages in the newspapers constantly to check if anyone I know is dead. And when people do die, I seem less affected by it than the rest of my family, even when I was really close to the person. I kind of block it out and rationalize: ‘People die. Everyone dies.’ I don’t know if my style of grieving is healthy or not. I grieve a little bit initially and then I pretty much stop. I’m able to bury death quickly and move on, and yet I feel somehow on a deeper untouched level that I really can’t handle death well at all, and this is why I block it out. I appear cold and callous sometimes.

On the one hand, I think being surrounded by constant death and the possibility of death gives one a proper respect for the fragility of life and the vincibility of even the strongest. And yet I think it has really hampered my ability to fully relate to people because all I think about a lot of the time is “They might die.”

Anyone else experienced this?


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August 2, 2008 | Filed Under General Forum 

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Comments

2 Responses to “Expecting Death”

  1. 1
    Ayako
    Ayako Says:
    August 2nd, 2008 at 3:04 am

    The reality is that we all need to realize that everyone will die eventually. That’s why we are called: mortals.

    However, because dying is such a disturbing concept to most - people don’t want to think about this and I don’t blame them.

    I don’t blame you for shutting things out after a certain point either. We cannot let the pain, loss and fear or death tear us apart…because we have to go on.

    It would be nice if we could transform this knowledge that we will all die someday into positive energy of the kind that would make us all kinder, more considerate and loving of other human beings - but as you and I know - it doesn’t always work out this way…

    (Is this spam?)

  2. 2
    Selam
    Selam Says:
    August 4th, 2008 at 8:27 pm

    I can relate in a way. However, I don’t have that constant presence of death in my life… at a time I did though.

    I lived through the tsunami. The one that hit the coasts of Thailand, Sri Lanka and Indonesia. December 26, 2004. When you come so close to losing your life, and the lives of the ones you love… it does give “one a proper respect for the fragility of life.”

    I haven’t lost anyone from that point on… so I don’t really know how I would deal with death now. But I think people block it out because they don’t want to feel the pain. The pain one feels when you lose somebody close to you, it’s just too overwhelming of an emotion. It somehow feels easier to just push the memories away, and move on. Then you also don’t feel vulnerable. I think that just makes it harder to move on though, because you have all this sadness trapped inside you that you need to let out. I think apart of you let it out in this post though… and that’s good. Try and do that more, it’ll help you open up and relate to people.

    (Is this spam?)

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