Dear Uncle,

Like a lot of TCKs, I have a hard time making friends. As a repatriated American, I’ve made it more difficult for myself by not being a drinker. (I don’t hang out with my coworkers en masse because that would mean barhopping, which I don’t want to do.)I’m casually friendly with a lot of people, but I can’t push any of these casual friendships over into real friendship territory.

Also, when I do find someone who I see outside of work, I tend to sabotage the friendship by thinking of all the reasons why the person isn’t really going to be my friend. I.e., they already have a lot of friends and don’t need me, or they’re emotionally damaged and can’t support me the way I need to be supported by a friend. This is unfair to my potential friends and unfair to me, but I always do it.

I have a pretty good idea why I am the way I am, but I don’t know how to get over it. How does a TCK like me go about making friends?

Thanks

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Dear Nika,

I find that it’s not necessary to be a drinker to make friends. It just gives you fewer excuses to open a conversation.

In my experience, sometimes just time with other people creates friendships by itself. I mean this in that shared experience brings people together, and time spent inevitably brings shared experience. There’s nothing like feeling like someone else was there to feel what you did at a particular time, in a particular place.

Likewise, if you can track down ATCKs where you live, there’s a sense of shared experience between any of them. It can make a big difference in how easy it is to approach them.

But you want closer friends, and real friendships. This is when it becomes harder to define, because most people don’t know what makes a very good friend, but they can tell you when they have one.

And I think good friends can come from people who share your background as well as those who don’t, because it doesn’t affect the quality of people. So in the end I think it comes from a certain level of trial and error.

Surface judgments are rarely accurate, but when you’re open-minded, a great many people are decent in the end, because there are basic things everyone has in common. Outside of crazy, unlucky cases, people tend to want to do well in life, have fun, make friends, and get on with things.

My recommendation is to find people you like when you first meet them. And then make a point of investing time into them. Get to know them, spend some time with them, and use your head.

You said you have trouble committing though, and I think that’s something a lot of us feel. On one hand, you already feel committed to friends far away and long past. It’s hard to commit to more people when you already feel committed elsewhere. It feels like betrayal. On the other hand, here are a bunch of people from a culture you’re not entirely comfortable with, and they’re unconsciously expecting you to be somewhat like them when you know you’re different.

I think the difficulty of making friends comes from problems of perception. Like you said, you come up with reasons why people wouldn’t want to talk to you. It could be their fault, it might not be, but I think the idea of giving people the benefit of doubt is the best way to go. Instead of thinking people don’t want to talk to you, think that they really wouldn’t mind, if not for this and that.

So let’s summarize: See if you can find fellow ATCKs, because it’s easier to relate to them. If you find some you particularly enjoy the company of, commit some time to them. If you have a hard time doing it, just consciously make that effort. Remind yourself that there are reasons you enjoy their company in the first place, and that there are very few good reasons why they wouldn’t want to talk to you.

This is a tough topic, and I think I rambled a lot, but I hope this was useful to you.

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