Contradiction

Posted by jane on November 13th, 2008 | Categorized as Blog | and 4 Comments

Recently, I found a journal entry that I wrote on my way to China.  An interesting statement I said about myself was that I have learned not to share myself with others because it hurts me.  Sharing of yourself is not good because it makes you vulnerable and people won’t respect you.  Let me give you a bit of history.  When I lived in New Zealand (before moving to China) I would often blurt out things about myself that though they weren’t that personal, were too personal considering how long I had known the person.  I guess it stems from wanting to be wanted.  Basically my attempt to connect with others.  I didn’t know what a long term friendship looked like.  From my perspective, I would look at other friendships (even my mother’s), see the closeness they had and expect it to happen with me within a minute of knowing someone!  I jumped the gun! 

So, to go back to my journal entry that I found, I had basically made a pledge to never disclose anything personal about myself.  I was a closed book.  My goal was to protect myself and save myself pain and embarrassement.  This would make me look strong, tough, well put together.  Feelings are for wimps I believed.  Get over it already!  These were thoughts that plagued my mind. 

How wrong I was!  Over the years that I have lived in China (this is now year 6 for me), I have learned the balance between exposing myself, but at that same time viewing thought-sharing as a wholesome, thought-provoking, non-threating concept.  I have still been cautious, in that I have waited a while, assessed the sitution and people before delving head first into what really matters in life. The fact that I couldn’t keep away from sharing my inner-most thoughts, proves that it isn’t bad.