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Contemplation on dating & the TCK mind…
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As you may or may not know, I am a CCK. Born of immigrant Croatian parents in Sydney, Australia I have lived a life of constant re-location. Of being the “minority” in every social setting.
It has made me a woman who is able to see situations from many perspectives. Many people comment on how well I understand there situations. But where does that understanding come to me, to us TCK’s - and ESPECIALLY when it comes to dating?
I have spent the majority of my life single due to a lack of connection on every level. Several times I “settled” for mediocre situations and suffered for them. I have never had a problem attracting men. But I have had problems starting relationships with “good quality” men. Since moving to America race has really been a bigger issue than it ever was. Black & Latino men pursue me heavily however they have hang-ups over my skin color and how women of there race will view them OR they want me to act “more ‘White” not realizing Becky from the Valley is not who I grew up. I grew up with Vesna who was fiery, well-travelled and eclectic so in turn so am I.
I always dreamed about being married to a fabulous, creative, sincere, brilliant, passionate man. However, I turn 29 next month and I have come believe I am just too eclectic for the average man. And fellow TCK/CCK’s are not as open-minded as they believe…they also have preferences & biases of what they wish to date which is human nature. But where do us eclectic folks fit in? Folks who are of a culture but not OF the culture (whether by heritage or passport). People who knows things about other cultures? Who love philosophy & Black music & Thai cooking & French couture fashion & eating & working out hard? Multi-faceted people? Are we just carefree and meant to live relationships through affairs? Funnily enough, I have realized the “typical marriage” is not what I really want anyway! But it would still be cool to meet someone to share some great adventures in life with :)
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June 1st, 2008 at 8:13 pm
My Dear,
I totally can understand you viewpoint! I am an adult TCK who had the same problems as you for most of my life. My advice to you is:
Don’t settle!
Pick 3 or 4 qualities of what you want in a mate, and make them dealbreakers. Review your list after every new date.
And, you have to put your self in “high target” areas. If you want someone that is cross cultural, for example, you are going to have to join some groups. I hate groups, and I have never been a “joiner”, but my frustration over the years of not meeting people like me has forced me to be pro-active. Is there a World Affairs Council group where you live? A U.N. club? Some type of group that would have members that are more like what you are looking for?
Don’t compromise, girlfriend! You can find what you are looking for, you just might to make a more concentrated effort, and it might take awhile. I know, it doesn’t sound “romantic”, but if you want to find Mr. Right or even Mr. Almost Right, you are going to have to do some homework.
Buona Fortuna!
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June 2nd, 2008 at 12:58 am
Something one of my university professors said years ago comes to mind. He said that in an ideal relationship the couple shouldn’t be looking at each other. Rather, they should be looking in the same direction.
As for compromise - I think everyone has to make some compromises for a relationship to work. You should make a list on which things you can make compromises on and which things you can’t make compromises on.
Hopefully you can find someone who will do the same - and compromise little things for you.
Then one has to hope that the big things don’t require compromise because you have the same goals in mind.
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June 2nd, 2008 at 11:16 am
Hmmmm…exactly my problems!! LOL…Having a hard time getting a long-term relationship!! Well, I’m trying to work on that too.
I have taken the advice of the people from this forum to heart: have like 3 or 4 qualities that you do look for in someone. I used to be so overly critical sometimes and when I did find someone, I’ll stick to them like superglue and push them away.
So, yeah, I’m working on it =) To be honest, I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s been having problems =)
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June 30th, 2008 at 6:17 am
hahaha, even though I am a teenager…but…
I’ve decided tat I am not getting married.
My parents are like blahblah wtever u r just young u will change ur mind…
i am like…ergh actually, for me it’s not just because Im young it’s because Im a TCK. LOL
I mean I know some TCKs get married anyways and enjoy it, but I REALLY CAN’T TAKE IT! I can’t even deal with a relationship. It’s just like…suffering.
It’s just that TCKs noe way too much to settle for any1 and be satisfied.
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August 8th, 2008 at 10:12 pm
x2 on a lot of what was said already. ive been single the majority of my ‘adult’ life (after h.s.) i just dont see myself settling down, as in living in one place. hopefully that’ll change or ill find a g/f that wants to move that much as well. but until then ill be on the lookout for that someone special and ill try to fig out what i cant make compromises on and what i can…
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October 26th, 2008 (4 weeks ago) at 11:32 am
MsMerising - I was reading your post and I totally feel where you are coming from. We are on two different side of the country, and two different races yet our experiences are so similar. I also find it very amusing that you think that people assume that because you are white you are expected to be this “very nice” person while I feel that because I’m black people expect me to be a “not so nice person” who doesn’t want to get married BEFORE they have their 2.5 kids. I feel that at times that men also have a hang up on my skin color (wondering what everyone else would think) and and I have been told that I’m not “black” enough. To play off your statement - Keisha from around the way is not who I grew with.
I agree with Brice that you may have to reconsider you requirements. For me it has been to acknowledge tat I have my own preferences (height was a key one). I met someone who was totally not my type ( I had to retire my heels for a while) who I really clicked with on both a personality and “eccleticity” level. Alas he was also a global nomad to and we had to part ways due to visa issues. sigh
I also agree with Jessica_Ahn that we need to distinguish what is related to our “culture” and our personality. My eclectic ‘whatness” is due to my “culture” but the fact that I am a sensitive, caring , and affectionate person is related to my personality.
I know it would be hell for me to be with someone who was also eclectic but who had an arrogant, inconsiderate, and distant personality.(I’ve been there and bought the t-shirt)
I think what we are all looking for a balance - someone who we can click with on a personality level and who we can share our interests and passions with.
..just my 2 cents.
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