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Cattts Blog: When is enough, enough?
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I find that one of the hardest parts of being a TCK can be keeping friends. Sometimes, it is easy. But sometimes it can be hard, and it is very easy to end up hurt.
A few years ago I had a friend who I considered my best friend. Every time I was in switzerland I would make the effort to go visit her. In fact I went out of my way. I took a train and three buses to get to her. It took me almost 2 hours. Yet 5 times in a row, when I was almost there, or even after I had arrived she would call and say sorry, but she was either too busy or some other excuse. After that I just stopped trying. The friendship withered away, and I moved on and made new friends in different countries.
However, for me, as a TCK to make so much of an effort to keep a friendship going, one of the hardest things is when you start to realise that the other person isn’t as interested at keeping it going. It can be an incredibly painful experience, especially when you considered this person a best friend.
Luckily, now I have a best friend who really wants to keep our friendship going, she has come to visit me, and I have been to visit her, we call each other and our friendship is really as strong as ever, if not stronger. The distance has not affected how close we are.
I do have some other friends though, that I care about very much. In this respect I am incredibly lucky because I do have so many friends that I really care about, and who return the feeling.
But one of them, I can feel, doesn’t really want to make the effort anymore. I didn’t enjoy it the first time I lost a friend this way, and I wont enjoy it this time. In my heart, I REALLY don’t want to walk away, but in my head, I know I have to.
My mum and my best friend have both told me I am better off walking away than letting myself get hurt by a friend again.
When is enough, enough? As a TCK, do we ever have a limit to how much we can take? Friendship is so integral to us. We need it just as much as a non-TCK, if not more. But how much pain and hurt and rejection can we take before we say stop? How many times have any of you kept a friendship or relationship going just because of the memory of how it once was?
And why do we hold on, even when we know it was over the day we left?
Sometimes because of friendships lost, it makes you scared to ever let someone that close again, because you dont want to make the same mistake twice, if not three, four, or five times again. Because, friendship or relationship, it hurts. To share a part of yourself that your not entirely sure you want someone to see, and then finding, the moment you leave, the moment the friendship/relationship is tested, that all interest is gone.
And this disinterest itself is one of the biggest blows of all. Because its when you realise that you gave more than you were actually given, and the rose coloured glasses you wore when everything was wonderful, crack. We become jaded, but remain naive at the same time.
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June 27th, 2008 at 2:56 am
Cattt: Your ex-friend in Switzerland does not deserve to have you as a friend so good riddance to her. It’s plain rude to do what she did. Doing it once is one thing but five times? pffft She has no excuse for her behavior. I mean we’re not talking about even going to the other side of town here - we are talking about traveling a very long way to see her and she takes a hike when you’ve already made the journey or are half way there? Puh-leeze :p
From my life experiences I feel that only time can tell whether a friendship is really…well, a friendship.
In time one realizes that one can have a friendly relationship with any number of people but one has to realize that few of these people are really one’s friends.
That said I agree with you that it’s difficult to see what’s happening when you are in the midst of things. You can only give the other person a few chances and if they continue to behave like your friend did - you really need to drop them like a hot potato!
As to your question: And why do we hold on, even when we know it was over the day we left?
I’d give the same reason why lots of people have trouble letting go when a man/woman relationship has come to an end.
Anyway you’re too good to let people treat you like this but do what you must. If it makes you feel better to hang on to friends for awhile instead of going cold turkey - do it by all means.
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June 27th, 2008 at 3:49 am
Thanks Ayako. I actually got over that years ago. It’s been over 7 years now, and I have found many new friends. However memory of it remains, and I just don’t want to repeat the whole scenario.. and ehhh bit of a major typo on my name there
I just like to type my thoughts out sometimes. I will probably end up going cold turkey. When I know something isn’t working, I always walk away. I just procrastinate in my head for a few moments, I guess a tribute to what it was…
Mais, C’est la vie.
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June 27th, 2008 at 4:08 am
lol yeah I fixed the typo - sorry about that. It’s pretty bad when you do that with names that even come with different photos!
I think I have entered my PMS stage and have been writing lots of strange things today. For example when I was talking to Brice this morning I meant to say: xxxx has a bad effect on my brain. < —or something like that.
Instead I wrote: xxxx has a bad effect on my brice.
Where did that come from?
And Brice asked me: Since when am I your Brice?
Me: What?
*Scolls up and looks*
Me: OMG I wrote ‘Brice’ intead of ‘brain’!
(And no I don’t take drugs)
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June 27th, 2008 at 4:55 am
hahahaha
oh dear… I do things like that alot… it can be slightly embarassing…
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June 27th, 2008 at 10:24 am
I understand how that disappointment that you experienced have affected you. Sometimes I feel the same about making extra effort for keeping friendships because of me moving to different places every once in awhile. Though when I think about it, it seems that friendship drifting apart happens to everybody. My friends who stay in the same place pretty much all of their lives sometimes confess to me that even though it seems like they have fun with their childhood friends, things are no longer the same because of different lifestyles, etc.
Yes, true friendship takes lots of effort, and forgiveness as well. In fact I often feel disappointed by some of my good friends (most of them living in different countries) for not making as much effort, but I always tell myself that who knows what’s going on in their lives right now and try not to take it too personally. I think it’s totally worth taking the initiatives for some friendships though I agree with you that some people we just need to let go if they show no effort at all consistently.
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