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Bilingual parenting: my child is not confident enough to engage

A question sent to us by e-mail. “Jack is so reluctant to engage in French at this stage, that this is not an option for now. I’m struggling to find English language clubs for him. What insights can you provide?”

“The website was recommended to me by a fellow member of Message Paris, a bilingual/Anglophone network for parents in Paris. I’m a single mother of Jack, aged 6 and we’ve been in Paris for 6 months. He goes to a bilingual school and I’ve been studying French, so we’re both – slowly – improving in our linguistic skills, although Jack is very hesitant and silent in French class (his English reading and spelling is coming on leaps and bounds, however).

We’ve moved from a school in London in which Jack was extremely active with sports and art, both within the daily curriculum and after-school clubs. Here there is no provision for either for Jack’s age group. Things will improve a bit next year when he gets one swimming lesson a week and can join the Wednesday afternoon football club. I had thought we would use the facilities provided by the mairie, but Jack is so reluctant to engage in French at this stage, that this is not an option for now. I’m struggling to find English language clubs for him – there is one, about 10km outside Paris in Meudon, but you need a car to get there, and we don’t run one of those in central Paris and will not. The American church in Paris has activities targeted to younger children. The Message primary school kids network seems moribund at the moment.

I think Jack would benefit enormously from a wider social network in which he felt confident – it would help the transition to bilingualism, and then a bigger world will open up for us – and for the time being that means English-speaking. I’m concerned that the school curriculum is restricted, both physically and creatively. Again, this will be remedied by out-of-school provision in the longer term, but it’s not an option now. I am doing my best to plug the gaps byh taking Jack swimming, creative play at home with paints and drawing and similar, but it’s not the same as uninhibited activities with his peers.

It’s tough! I’m doing my best to find ways to open our lives out a bit, but I keep drawing blanks, and it’s a bit demoralising.

Anyway, not sure what you can do about any of this, since it’s a very particular situation, but grateful for any insights you can provide.

Best wishes
Kate “

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Posted by tckid at 10:56 am on February 11th, 2008. Comments
Categories: Ask Uncle, General Forum.

  • Peter
    I think once he gets fluent in French things should change. When you dont speak the language and try to do things with people who do, then you feel weird. I experienced the same thing. In my last year of high school I signed up for a local basketball team where everyone spoke Dutch. I kind of felt weird being the only one not speaking Dutch and everyone having to speak English to me. While I enjoyed playing basketball, I felt kind of scared going to the local club. It was just a weird feeling.
  • Ayako
    When my friend moved to Paris many years ago as a child she was very quiet for one year - when she suddenly became her very talkative self again and in French.

    Once the French started flowing there was no way to stop her from talking!

    It takes some longer to learn a new language so best if you don't get too worried :)
  • mariedl
    I agree with mairabay, especially on the second point of "one or the other" culture... it's hard to understand in a world where you can only really be classified as one thing how to be two (or three, or four, or more for that matter).

    You probably have already done this but in Paris there are multiple anglophone schools which do k-12/13 such as the American School of Paris (ASP) (which is not all that full of americans), Marymount, and a couple others of which I don't remember the names. In any case, if you haven't already you can contact the schools (he's probably in one of them but you can always call the pre-school dept in any of them and see if there are community activities/links through that school) and see if they know anything about clubs/groups after school that are not necessarily related to the school itself. I went to ASP for a couple years and the community is fairly strong so I'm sure you'll find, if nothing else, a group of parents who are feeling the same way you do and, for that matter, your son.

    You've probably already thought of this but I figured I'd bring it up anyways.
  • mairabay
    oh, and **very important**: show/tell him that he can keep both English and French. It's a common mistake that people around me (and I myself) made, to think that I should keep EITHER one culture OR the other. Many of my issues arise from this.
    He needs to know that he can keep English AND French cultures (and others that he has/will live in).
  • mairabay
    I think you are already doing very good things for your son!

    With regards to "Jack is so reluctant to engage in French at this stage", this might be a sign of grief (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grief#Childhood_be...), and if you've only moved 6 months ago I think it might be normal (remember: grief is normal and necessary) - but I'm not a psychologyst so please don't take my words as an "ultimate wisdom".

    I personally have a history of not wanting to engage and get involved in things, ever since I moved back to my "home" country.

    In my case, I think it's related to me not feeling accepted because of the whole citzen-of-the-world vs. passport-nationality issue (basically, people think I'm Brazilian but I'm not 100%, so lots of misunderstandings and wrong assumptions are made).

    In your son's case, the only thing I can see (presuming France is not his "home" country) is the language barrier that might be threatening him and also making him feel a bit inferior, left out.

    I think engaging in things en English is good, so that he's allowed to keep the English part of him, but at the same time, it's good for him to start engaging in activities in French so that he learns the language, adapts, feels safer.

    Another idea: you could try asking him why he doesn't want to engage in French. And try to interpret the answers. This might even help him (and you) discover somethings about himself.

    Like I mentioned, I'm not a therapist :D but I hope this helps a little.
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