About: the nomad
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Name:the nomad
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2007-12-31 05:12:56
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The Nomadic Diaries: Leaving Sedantary Behind
The Nomadic Diaries 3: Leaving Sedantary Behind.
Warning: This topic touches topics such as self harm, depression, and suicide. Do not read if it may affect you negatively.
A few years back, I had the opportunity to participate in a “help-eachother” group activity for teens. It’s a bit like AA for adults where you sit in a circle and turn by turn stand up and say “Hi! My name is blabla and I am an alcoholic”. The main difference is probably that in that group teens would get help with any problem and not just alcohol abuse. People paid to join this group and would work on self-esteem, cutting, depression, parental abuse, etc, etc.
In the beggining, I went there just because my friend made me… but that is besides the point. One of the exercises there was to stand up in front of a small group who was yelling at you “WHO ARE YOU?!? WHAT DO YOU WANT?!??” until you could come up with an answer made up of qualifying words such as “smart”, “sexy”, “beautiful”, “leader”, etc. Most people took about 30 seconds to a minute to answer. It took me over an hour. In the end, I just chose to lie and copy other peoples’ answers because I had no clue how to respond myself while the question in itself made me want to run and hide. Don’t get me wrong, I can stand up in front of a public crowd and give presentations with ease… that is as long as the presentation in question does not talk about me.
Now, after so much, I know the answer and most of the whys behind it. Without noticing, I began to scream it out loud. Now, I want to write it down and post it for all to see in order to reaffirm and, mainly, demonstrate to myself that I can be who I am and want to be no matter what anyone says. So, please bear with me.
1. I am strong and independent.
Perhaps I am not the strongest physically (I have been out of shape since I moved into the states) but I am so in my courage, willpower and morality. A survivor of either Hiroshima or Nagasaki (can’t remember which) once said that there are two types of courage: “the courage to die and the courage to live” when recounting how her sister pushed herself in front of an incoming train in order to end the emotional and physical suffering the a-bomb caused. The survivor herself said that she tried to do the same after her last surviving family member left her but did not have the courage her sister had. She could not come up with enough willpower to kill herself (trust me, it takes a lot of courage and willpower); in stead, she had the courage to survive and go on telling her tale even though the explosion burned and deformed her body and even though she was alone. I cannot say that I had endured something so big but I did attempt suicide multiple times; I stood in the same boat of choices: live or die. No one came to stop me or save me; each time it was I who chose to live (after not having the guts to kill myself). In the end it was I who pulled myself out of the viscious (spelling?) depression I was stuck in; it was I who stopped my addictions to self harm and nicotine; I did it on my own. Barely anyone knew about what I was going through; those who did were my parents and they criticized me about being weak and would not see that the problem was serious. Thus, no one was there to help me but myself to pull me back up on my feet. Even now, it is my willpower that holds me from succumbing to cravings for smokes and to hold my head high no matter what comes my way.
I have survived a childhood full of bullying and abuse coming from a sibling; I have survived multiple integrations without proper guidance or support; I have survived 2 months in a hospital with a deadly disease; I have survived depression, suicide, poverty, and loneliness all by myself. This made me strong and independent.
2. I am intelligent and resourcefull.
I know 4 languages quasi-fluently each; I am a pre-med; I can adapt to changes; I can take on a heavy workload and succseed (sp?). If one way doesnt work, I always find another to achieve what I want.
3. I am an environmentalist and a humanist.
I care about the world I live in and do everything in my power to help; I have spent the past 5 years volunteering every week and sometimes as much as 20 hours a week on top of everything else I had to do. I live to help and enjoy it more than most other things in life.
4. I am a nomad.
I tried living a sedentary life back when I wanted to be “normal”, like everybody else. It turned out to be an attempt at living a lie. I enjoy moving and had done so 20-30 times already (its hard to get the exact number; and it varies anyways depending on what moving is defined to be). Each time rejuvenates me and gives me comfort while the thought of permanently settling down scares me. I was 3 when I moved on my own for the first time (my parents sent me to live withmy grandmother); I’m not sure when was the first time I moved with my family. I am not a nomad because I chose to become one; I am a nomad because that is what I was raised to be and I cherish that above any single location in the world and even any relationship.
In the end, I am who I am not because I followed some idol (did anyone else have to write a short essay about someone you idolize in elementary? I think I failed at it too), but because I try to make the best out of what life deals at me.
By the way, if anyone else would like to repeat this exercise, Id like to hear your list of identites.
PS: please correct my grammatical and spelling errors… I want to improve my English.
The Nomadic Diaries: Canned Food and Trains
2. Canned Food and Trains
Unlike many other TCKs, I have yet to repatriate (which often makes me wonder if I even am a tck or some other cck type nomad). However, that has never stopped me from seeking out my “home” culture; and each time realizing that I no longer fit into it.
When I was little I spent extended years isolated from my culture and immer
sed into that of Quebec and others (there, being many immigrants but few or no other Russians around me).
After which, Russians (unlike me, my parents clung to our culture and befriended mainly russians who I met on occasion; once or twice a year) no longer recognized me as one of their own and I realized how much I had drifted from my own culture. Even then, I missed it and wanted to go back. I was not a Canadian or a quebecoise; I did not really fit with any one single of the immigrant groups either. I felt alone.
I found myself seeking out Russia in objects in order to comfort myself.
Funny thing is one of the things that remind me of “home” is canned cat food. Why? It smells exactly like the canned meat we used to eat when I was young. I keep wondering if it tastes the same as well… I havent tried yet (mainly because I’m scared of my roomates catching me eating cat food).
One of the things that I did attempt doing though to re-experience homeland, is riding trains (that’s how we mainly traveled then). The first, and last time I did that, I went on a six-ish hour ride from Canada to the states. Lucky me, I got stuck sitting next to a man with HORRIBLE body odor while there w
ere no other seats available on the train due to it being full.
Game: words of description
This is basically one of those games where one person says a word and the next person says word starting with the last letter of the previous. However, there are a few extra rules:
1. You may one use adjectives and they must describe your personality/being/identity.
2. You may not use the same adjective twice or use one that someone else had said.
3. Self depreciative adjectives are prohibited
4. Only one word at a time
Example:
Person 1: smart
Person 2: tender
first word: nomadic
The Nomadic Diaries: Malleability
1. Maleability
Since everyone else seems to be into blogging, I’ve descided to try it out and see if it out help me in my long term quest… of something (I don’t even have a clue at what it is anymore).
Anyways, to get straight to the point: I have been spending some time thinking as of late (which has been one of my major hobbies for the past few years)… the fact that I have been thinking isnt relevant though but the conclusions that I obtained are relevant (please bear with the fact that I dance around the topic a lot… Its an issue I have).
what I discovered though, was an explanation to two things that have been bothering me:
1. Why do people think that I am gullible?
2. Why is having a specific identity so important to me? This question in particular arose when I found myself fighting others about my self attributed TCK/nomad identity.
What I found is that through multiple moves in early childhood, I adapted by develloping an ability to easily fit into new environments; which in itself meant that I was and am a sort of personality/culture camelion(sp?). I’ve became so malleable, that people could see me as one of their own within weeks (probably months for a drastically different culture though I doubt I would be able to ever fit in as easily if I look a lot different as well; something that has happened already) of arrival into the new location if my accent did not give me away. This is an advantage in that I make less social blunders and do not insult anyone accidentally; I can easily put myself into other peoples’ shoes and understand why they think/do as they usually do.
thus, I can easily see what is expected a member of the society. I found that I can change my habits easier than many other people too… On the down side, I am easily influnced by my environment. I am easily brainwashed too (something that I use against myself in order to adjust myself). Knowing how others can use this against me I’ve been trying to make sure people wouldnt notice I mimick them.. Though those that I’ve lived with have noticed… My parents went as far as calling me gullible. But how can I change that when it is one of my main survival skills?
I found that I have been trying to do so by finding an identity unique to me; and not something I copied from others in order to adapt. Which is why I am protective of my tckishness or nomadism. A bit ago, I commented on one of the threads, saying that I found myself needing to be a foreigner so that I wouldnt have to fully integrate. Could that be not because I necessairly want to preserve my past cultures but because I want to appear as unique? less gullible? because I want to have an identity that no one could brainwash away? Or maybe it would be so that I would have a chance of living without always “impersonating” others?
Alaska?
Just out of curiosity… any tcks there right now?
prohibited from being a nomad
My identity in being a nomad got hurt a couple of weeks ago when my closest friends in the current (new) location told me that I could not be a nomad since I was not inclined in learning directions really fast (I kept getting lost while driving). Neither of them knew me for longer then half a year and descided to judge me and my identity. Their premise was that I moved for adventure but lacked the skill to orientate myself without a guide.
It hurt so much that I actually put more effort into learning the map of the town… It took me about 15min of effort after which I never got lost again… What this made me realize was that I unconsciously did not want to learn the directions because that meant that I would have had adapted to the place and would no longer so much be a stranger to it; I found that I yearned to feel new to a place, to feel myself a foreigner because the feeling itself is comforting for me. This feeling is the thing that I seek any time I move.. not that of touristy adventure. That is something my “friends” don’t understand because they only see traveling as being a tourist so they choose to judge me by their own criteria… and by doing so they attempt to model me as they wish; robbing me of my identity. Im tired of people judging me and trying to convince tto conform to their culture and abandon my own… Gah.
… And then people wonder why I don’t like to socialize with monoculturals.
Seychelles?
Anyone moved/resided there? Any advice for a TCK considering moving into that area?
thanks!
Saying goodbye
eh… ok I have a huge problem. I usually leave places without saying proper goodbyes to people (that is if I even actually say them). It’s just really hard for me so I usually just stop talking to friends and then leave to whatever new place I will live in. This usually results in friends hating me and me being miserable in the long term. The thing is that I’m leaving in about 10 days and I haven’t even told any of my friends that I’m moving about 5000 miles away… and I don’t want to replay the same scenario again. Soooooo…. how do you say goodbye to people? Also, does anyone have reccomendations as to how to make it easier upon yourself?
New TCK here :D
Hey everyone…
I so glad I found a TCK website 
ehhh.. I’m not really good at introducing myself so I guess I’ll just blab about my tckness hehe
I have a hard time at classifying myself within the types of TCKs.
For the first 8 years of my life, I constantly traveled from city to city in country #1.. I was also left with relatives alot of the time while my family was in another city due to work.
After that, we sort of became refugees to country #2 where we lived for the next 9 years… I was rather uprooted there and came into contact with many diffrent cultures since I lived near a highly multi-cultural city most of the time. We still kept moving alot although it was mostly just from apartment to apartment in diffrent regions surrounding the city. I had a chance to travel outside the country and within it for trips… a thing that only fueled the feeling of uprootedness.
Then, in the last four years, we moved to country #3. This is where I became actually aware that I could classify myself as a TCK. And, a few trips back to county #2 made me realize that I want to spend my life as a nomad…
The funny thing is, being uprooted and nomadic makes me happier than I’ve ever been. This could be fueled by the fact that I recently came out of a 4 years depression but I like to think that the “issue” itself ended because I stopped trying to fit in and began to travel more then I did while living in country #2.
heh so this is one side of my life in a nutshell 
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