Hey guys,

I’ve been away from this site for a looong while now. I’ve explained on another post about this (as a suggestion for improvement to the site), the thing is, I really miss the old tckid design and I still can’t seem to like this one (TCKs can be so stubborn sometimes!)

I’ve been writing a lot on my personal blog cause for some reason I thought it was too personal or “too deep” for tckid. Which can or cannot make sense. I don’t know. Arg, I’m mumbling.

Something very bad has also happened: my mother passed away 1.5 month ago. I had already been going to a therapyst (who, fortunately, knows about TCK) and she’s been helping me get through the grief (ie, not delay the grief like I have done with my childhood TCK-related hidden losses). She also gave me a very interesting insight that I would like to share with you guys (although I’m not sure if it applies to everyone): the way I relate (ie complain) about my “home” country is the way I related to my mother.

At first I thought it didn’t make much sense but now I see she was right. My complains about Brazil and how people here don’t care about each other and about me, the way my school teachers here weren’t mindful to my social challenges upon repatriating, etc can all be applied to my mother, in the sense that all I wanted was to have her comfort me, give me her shoulder so that I could cry on it when I was feeling like a foreigner in this country. But I did not have the words to express that at that time and she did not know about TCK. So I’m still trying to mend this inside me somehow, but I wanted to share it with you guys in case it helps someone else.

Another suggestion that I also made to improve the site was to be able to RSS my blog into here, because really, I have learned so much since I sort of stayed away from tckid. And even if what I write is ultra-personal, I think it still could be of help to other people. Arg, I don’t know. You tell me.

By the way, the address is http://mairabay.multiply.com/journal

Now to the belonging part. What I wanted to say (and that I have said on another blog post here) is that I found my sense of belonging in my “home” town by hanging out with foreigners and cross-cultural people like me. I participate in two language conversation practice groups (one for French and one for English). This is another advise that I would like to give to TCKs who are feeling lonely: search for language groups or any other kind of group where you’d typically find foreigners or people whom are interested in other langauges and cultures. These are the places where we will find people with whom we’ll feel more “at home”.

Also, very recently I’ve been going with an American friend of mine to a golf club (he’s teaching me to play it!). This sport is very un-mainstream in Brazil, so most of the people who go there are foreigners. I have already heard people speaking English (American AND British), French and Spanish there. I feel really at home when I’m in an environment like that. So here’s another tip: look for a sport that is non-mainstream, so that you will automatically hang out with non-mainstream people. TCKs tend to feel more comfortable in the margins of society (I never get tired of quoting this article from Barbara Schaetti: http://www.transition-dynamics.com/phoenix.html).

Ok, I hope my post for today helps someone, that’s all I ask.

Take care everyone!

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(I know this site is already flooded with Obama posts (right Brice?), so I’ll try to be quick)

I’m not very interested in politics, but I was glad I watched Obama’s speech on the inauguration day at CNN. Because I realised what a GREAT person he is, and what a great ACCOMPLISHMENT he’s made.

We all know he is a TCK. So have you ever thought about this: HE IS THE PRESIDENT OF HIS “HOME” COUNTRY.

Wow. We all know how hard it is for us TCKs to live in our “home” countries. And yet this man was able to OVERCOME all (or most) of his issues, and become president. (I haven’t read his biography but I’m sure it wasn’t easy). It’s such an important achievement, because it means that the people from his “home” country want HIM to lead THEM. Have you ever thought about it this way?

My goals are so much smaller here in my “home” country. I just want to feel loved and accepted by them. And to a certain extent, I have already achieved that (at least within a small subgroup of people that live here). And that is already so much more than I had ever dreamed of (I you read my old posts you’ll know that I grew up pretty hopeless with regards to feeling understood and accepted).

I don’t want to be the president of Brazil. I can’t even concive that in my mind because I still feel so rejected by them. I still feel like “nah, they would never want that”.

But Obama believed in himself. He overcame all these challenges (that I still haven’t been able to overcome). He is loved and admired by the people from his “home” country (in a way that I would never even dream of). Wow.

So this is the lesson that I take from him. His “Yes we CAN”, means to me that “Yes, we TCKs CAN overcome our issues and become someone GREAT” and that “Yes, we TCKs CAN overcome our issues and be loved, accepted and admired by the people of our “home” countries”.

Believe in yourselves!

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Hey guys! I’ve been absent from this site for a while (because of work and some other stuff), but I’m hoping to get back posting and commenting as of today (kind of a new year’s resolution maybe)!

I know this might be a little late, but I wanted to share a (very TCK-ish!) superstition I just did in this New Year passage (can be a suggestion for your next new year).

Some people here in Brazil put lentils (<a href=”http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lentil”>http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lentil</a>) on their pockets at the turn of the year, to bring them money. Others believe in jumping 7 little waves on the beach to bring them good luck.

My French teacher told me that she once took a suitcase and ran around it 3 times, so that she’d travel on the next year (and it worked! she won a trip on a contest!). Being the TCK that I am, I thought that was the BEST superstition!

Yesterday night, though, when I remembered about it, it was a bit too late – and I must confess I got lazy, to get the suitcase from the upper shelf of the wardrobe. So I had an even BETTER idea than the suitcase:

I got my passport!!!!!

LOL! I watched the fireworks holding my passport!!!!

For the people who don’t know me, I did this because the thing I want the most this year is to get my Canadian visa. I took a good look at the empty page on my passport and thought “I want to see that visa stamped here”. And then held it while looking at the fireworks.

What about you? Have any of you done any superstitions? Any craaazy TCK superstitions?

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I stumbled across this site some time ago: http://www.georgeellalyon.com/where.html.

It’s a poem where the writer explains where she’s from. Not by saying a name of a city or country, but rather by displaying images, smells, sounds.

Where I’m From

I am from clothespins,
from Clorox and carbon-tetrachloride.
I am from the dirt under the back porch.
(Black, glistening,
it tasted like beets.)
I am from the forsythia bush
the Dutch elm
whose long-gone limbs I remember
as if they were my own.

I’m from fudge and eyeglasses,
from Imogene and Alafair.
I’m from the know-it-alls
and the pass-it-ons,
from Perk up! and Pipe down!
I’m from He restoreth my soul
with a cottonball lamb
and ten verses I can say myself.

I’m from Artemus and Billie’s Branch,
fried corn and strong coffee.
From the finger my grandfather lost
to the auger,
the eye my father shut to keep his sight.

Under my bed was a dress box
spilling old pictures,
a sift of lost faces
to drift beneath my dreams.
I am from those moments–
snapped before I budded –
leaf-fall from the family tree.

I really like this “definition” of “where I’m from”, because it makes sense to us TCKs. We’re not tied to a certain country (like some people expect us to be), we define ourselves in a puzzle/rubick’s cube/tapestry kind of way. We are a collection of experiences, sights, sounds, smells, tastes, etc.

Then in the website she proposes people to write their own “where I’m from” poem. I think this can really help us, because we start to think and explore where we are really from.

I particularly like what she says at the end:

Remember, you are the expert on you. No one else sees the world as you do; no one else has your material to draw on. You don’t have to know where to begin. Just start. Let it flow. Trust the work to find its own form.

So I propose each person writes their own poem and posts it here!

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Yes! After 2 years of repatriating and “killing” many “demons” I’m finally finding a way I can belong in my “home” country without compromising the “world citizen” in me!

For those who don’t know me, I lived in the UK as a child and repatriated to Brazil when I was 7, but always felt depressed, confused, unloved and insecure (because of many things that happened at that time and through the rest of my teen/pre-teen years). I never even realised I felt like that. To me, I was just a problematic person who would never be happy and have a normal life.

When I came back from Canada in 2006 after a 2-month cultural exchange, I felt the pain of repatriation, reverse culture shock, grief (and so many other feelings TCKs know well) in a VERY strong way. It was then that I realised that I had felt like this before, when I was 7. I then had the urge/instinct that I was not going to heal unless I healed the unresolved feelings/pain from when I was 7 – I was finally ready to deal with my hidden and delayed grief.

That’s when I started reading about culture and allowing myself to feel like a stranger in the country where I grew up believing I was “one of them”. During this research I found out about TCK, and later joined TCKid.

The book and the people in this site have given me the validation of my feelings – something I’ve been needing since way back when I was 7 – because it has healed the feeling I grew up with that “nobody gets me”. It has also healed many other feelings and wrong beleifs that I developed as a consequence of repatriation. I cannot put in words how helpful it’s been, because it’s something I never even thought was possible.

But for this post, the most important feeling is the security in my identity. After around 1 year of sharing stories and feelings with people here, I can now say “I am a world citizen”. I don’t feel afraid to tell other people and myself that I have lived overseas, I’m not afraid of their judgement anymore. Because even if they say “no you’re not, you’re Brazilian”, I have a bunch of people who agree with me. And I now know who is right. I know my truth and I have people to back me up.

But so far, this is a sense of belonging to a group of people spread all over the world. What this post is about is the sense I have now found with a group of people in my “home” town.

Since I came back from Canada, I’ve been going to this French conversation group (we meet at a bookstore once a week just to chat in French) . Most of the people there have lived in France or some other francophone country. So together with my healing on TCKid, I started realising that I feel more comfortable to talk about my life overseas around those people.

And then, just a few months ago, something very nice happened. A new girl joined the group, and we started talking about the feelings of repatriation and she had many of the feelings I did, and her feelings were as strong as mine! It felt great to finally have someone who understood me in “real life” (I was definitely NOT a drama queen!). Then in these last weeks, two other girls who’ve recently moved back have also joined the group.

Then one of the girls told me about an English conversation group, similar to the French one. So I started going to this one too. And I was even suprised with myself at how “at ease” I felt when expressing myself and talking to that group. I feel SO comfortable talking in English, it definitely is my 2nd mother tongue. Just having a random everyday conversation in English makes me feel really at home.

So, lately, I’ve been making friends and meeting people that are like me. I can mix languages when I talk to them, I can say how much I miss certain things from certain countries. I can have these conversations just as people talk about the weather, without worrying or refraining from giving my opinion and expressing my true feelings.

This is my sense of belonging. I was thinking about all this one of these days and realised that, there IS a place for me here, there IS a group of people in this country where I belong to. I have my place in this country. Of course I will never belong to the majority (not that I even want to). But the best thing is, I DON’T HAVE to belong to the majority to feel like I belong here. That’s the catch.

That’s the catch I didn’t know about when I was 20 and thought the only way for me to belong was to be like an average Brazilian (and ended up making me go against many of my values, but that’s a story for another day). That’s the catch I didn’t know about when I was 7 and felt “left out” at school. This feeling kept echoing inside me throughout my life, until now. But now I know that I can be myself and still belong here.

So I’m really really happy that I have finally found my place in the city/country where I grew up thinking that there was no place for me.

I hope this post helps other TCKs out there find their sense of belonging. There IS a place for us in this world! No matter where you are, be strong!

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This has to do with Connie’s post and someone else’s that was talking about how we feel disconnected to people. I have this impression (despite my childhood “everybody hates me” trauma with Brazilians), that people here like me more than I like them. And I think it’s related to those levels of relationships that the TCK book talks about.

For instance, I had this colleague at work who had lived in France so sometimes we spoke French during work. Which was really fun, but I never shared my TCK-ish feelings with him cause I wasn’t sure he’d understand. And then, out of the blue (at least in my mind), he just invited me to his wedding (which in Brazil is a very expensive party, so you usually only invite a few close friends and the family). I felt very honoured, but also surprised, because *I* didn’t consider him such a close friend. Sure, we connected because we both spoke French and we both knew what it’s like to live in another country, but I don’t feel the same connection with him as I feel with you guys.

So then I started thinking about other people too, that invite me to things or just care about me (in their own Brazilian way, which many times I perceive as being nosy), but that I don’t really connect to. And I started wondering “why?”. Is it because they feel connected to me in the deepest way that they can connect, but for me that is still shallow? Because their connection only goes as deep as say level 3, while for me to really feel connected to someone I need to get to level 5?

The TCK book talks about levels of relationships and how TCKs easily get into the deepest level of conversation. I’ve never been able to talk about the things that we talk here with monocultural people. The way we discuss ourselves, culture, racism, many other subjects is very “deep”imo, something that I know I will NEVER be capable of with the average mono. But I think that for them, they are able to get in their deepest level with me.

This also reminds me of another related idea. They say TCKs are good listeners, because we are tolerant, open-minded, bla bla bla. But who listens to us?

I am one of those good listeners. So maybe that’s why people feel connected to me, because they feel they can open up with me. But I know that I can’t open up with THEM, because they are not as half as open-minded as I am. They wouldn’t be capable of holding this “conversation”. I grew up used to the fact that I have very few people in my life who actually listen to me.

So what do you think? Do you feel like people connect to you even though you don’t connect to them? Have you ever realised that people consider you a friend and someone they can open up to, but you know that you can’t truly open up to them?

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(as you can see, my German is improving

Where are you, Dan? I haven’t seen you around here for a while…

I have you on MSN and FB but I’m too lazy to call you …(that’s so silly right?!) Plus I think I’m getting re-addicted to posting/commenting on tckid

Oh, and I’m also getting addicted to spreading lolcats (oh no, I think I got Brice’s disease!)

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hey, I was zapping the other day, and yes, I stopped at Boomerang – a TV channel for teens. But I think it’s cool cause they have some shows from Australian TV and that’s like the only chance I get to hear some aussie english.

but back to the point of this post: I was watching the end of another show and then they announced the next one. Something about a girl in Africa. So I thought I’d watch it and see what it was about. If nothing else, I’d at least get to see some african landscape.

The show was actually interesting, and as I was watching it, I suddenly realised: woaaa!! This girl is a TCK! They’re making a TV show about a TCK!

Isn’t that cool??!!!

The name of the show is Scout’s Safari. Has anyone seen it?

<img src=”http://kids.discovery.com/fansites/scoutssafari/photo/gallery/3_h_zm.jpg”>

“The show revolved around Jennifer “Scout” Lauer, a teenage girl who lived the simple life in New York City until her photographer father is sent on year-round trip around the world and is forced to live with her mother (Cheryl) and her new husband (Roger) at a resort in South Africa. While she is there she is exposed to a new world, going to a new school, and reunites with an old friend named Bongani. While still keeping in contact with her old friend Sherna via webcam and has to deal with her stepdad’s bratty young son Tyler. Bongani, who believes strongly in his South African culture, lives with his Uncle C.B., a veterinarian. During the course of the series Scout eventually becomes more comfortable in her new sourroundings.”

Check out these links:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scout’s_Safari

http://kids.discovery.com/fansites/scoutssafari/scoutssafari.html

It’s too bad they don’t have any episodes on her repatriation

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My trip to Chile was awesome!

Here is the link to the photos: http://mairabay.shutterfly.com/

It felt so good to be the Foreigner! I could be whoever I wanted , do whatever I wanted. Nobody had expectations from me. This was SO good. It was such a weight off my shoulders.

And because I didn’t have to worry about other people, I was free to LIVE. To explore the places and enjoy my life! That’s why I say: traveling keeps me healty, sane.

I went to the Atacama desert and it was so cool, because there were tourists from all over the place there. I heard many languages. And because I spoke most of them, I was able to understand many different people: the British, the Aussies, the Americans, the Canadians, the French, the Belgians, the Chileans, the Brazilians… it was so cool to be surrounded by all these people. And many of them spoke 2 (or more) languages too, so I wasn’t the only polyglot there. I felt SO comfortable with all those people around me. It felt really, really good.

You know when monos travel to a very different country and they hear someone speaking their mother tongue and they get all excited? That happened to me with French. I did get happy when I heard English too, but with French, I was much happier, I couldn’t help a smile coming to my face each time I heard it. I felt “at home”. It’s funny because French is my Second Language (I consider Portuguese and English my Mother Tongues).

And when I heard Brazilian Portuguese I had to control myself not to think “yuck…run, run, run away from them!” I did manage to make friends with some Brazilian people. I realised that as long as I don’t talk to them for more than a few minutes it’s ok.

An intersting story is the star-gazing trip I did. There were 2 options of language (Spanish or English) and I chose English (simply because my Spanish is not as good as my English). So the people in my tour were mostly British. The #1 thing I learned was that annoying teenagers are annoying in any language (luckily the group wasn’t made up of only teenagers).

But the belonging thing was very intersting. At first I felt a bit out of place: even though I told them I had lived in the UK as a kid, my British accent is all gone; and I knew I wasn’t exactly 100% like them, I wasn’t thinking or behaving exactly like them. But in the middle of the trip I got so used to the accent and to “thinking in English”, that I was already pronouncing words in British and feeling like I belonged to the group. It’s funny how this all happened in maybe 1 hour. I realised the chamaleon thing works VERY VERY fast in me.

And again, it was a comfortable position, because I was “the Brazilian girl who had lived for a while in the UK”, I was not a “British girl”, I didn’t have to be like one of them. Whoever I was would be ok for them.

So this is my tip for those who are suffering in their “home” country. Try to find a multicultural group or travel to a different nearby country, just find a way to get out of the Hidden Immigrant for a while. It really does wonders for your mental sanity.

About the being alone thing: at first I was a bit sad to be traveling alone, but when I started exploring the city, having fun on my own, it started to go away. I felt even better in the desert where I met many other people who were also traveling alone (and just being in that multi-cultural/multi-lingual environment made me feel so “at home”, and when you’re home you never feel alone . And many people actually complimented me on “how brave I was” to travel alone, so that boosted my self-confidence too. In the end of the trip I was thinking “those losers who preferred to stay in Floripa missed SO MANY cool things”.

Oh, and I saw some cats there. And since I promised to send the pics to Brice, I thought I’d share them here with the rest of you too:

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[warning: this post is totally random disconnected moaning]

I woke up early – on a holiday! – and couldn’t sleep anymore, I think it was insomnia. Now my stomach feels weird (I did eat a big piece of cake though).

It seems like all my health problems are surfacing together.

Ok, nevermind. I’m being too dramatic (as usual ). I think there’s some PMS too.

I’m pretty screwed up right? can’t even handle a pre-travel anxiety, have all my problems surface at once.

why do I criticize myself so much? why am I so perfectionist?

well, from all of the people in the world (literally) you guys are the ones who get me, who get all of the crap I’ve been through. And many of you have been to similar or even worse things, right? But we all survived. We’re all here and that’s all that matters.

So yesterday I went to meet this TCK, that I found out lives in the same city I do. He found me through this website and recognized the city through my ranting! (lol it’s funny, but I’m glad my ranting was useful for something positive!)

His life was different than mine because he always knew he was different from everyone else (unlike me). And talking to him, I just realized how messed up I am (emotionally) and how lonely I am. Just because of this tiny little detail in my childhood.

And why? why on Earth can’t I just get over it?

So now I realized I need people. I’m traveling alone (which is good in a way) but I wish I was going with friends. But I shut myself from people (thinking “these stupid monos, never got me, treat me like crap, always judging me, etc”) and this is the consequence.

I’m changing this feeling now. I’m realising that monos can be good people, if I stop being so scared of them. The world is nice and people are nice. I just have to believe more in that.

All I know is I’ve got to get myself together. Come on, I went all the way to Canada in 06 by myself, for 2 months. I’ve accomplished so many other things.

The good news is that there are people in Chile. That sounds funny right? But yes, sometimes I forget people exist. I get trapped in my stupid problems.

So hopefully I will meet people, and they will be nice to me even if it’s just the people in the hotels, shops, etc.

Ok, I promise you and myself that I will have a good time. I’ll take tons of pictures and post them somewhere.

Just go out there and have fun, girl!

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