Attatchment et al.
Hey y’all,
[By the way - if this is incooherent or full of mistakes, its because its late and i really should be alseep!]
1. I was wondering if anyone else has trouble with forming attachments to people/places/things for fear of losing them or, when the itch to move comes, to not have the strength to make the ‘necessary’ move?
That is the reason that i don’t really want to have a boyfriend at uni because i know that it will be short-term — once i leave, i don’t see myself coming back for long periods of time. As someone here (or on the FB group) said “Passpoirt countries are for visiting and nostalgia, not for living in.”
When i say ‘necessary’ i mean in the instance where you are just not happy there anymore. I have had the urge to move from Australia from the moment i set foot here when i was a youngu’un. I hated the place for YEARS. There are still aspects of it that i detest, but others that i love.
2. Even though i do not fully conform to Australian culture nor values nor activities, i realise when i leave the country that i *am* culturally, Australian more than i am American. But i do have the added ‘bonus’ of being half-Mauritian. They are different to the French, as Australians are different to Brits. Linguistically(French/English) mostly similar, with some of the same cultural aspects but mainly not.
3. Does anyone else use ‘excuses’ of being a TCK? For example when i don’t know some Aussie cultural thing i excuse myself and say it was because i was not living here, or when someone finds out i’m by birth an American, and say some historical reference i don’t get i say it was because i neve rlearnt American history the way they did (in the American school system). I went to a French Lycee in LA.
4. Does anyone else feel that if they only say that they are from ONE county that they are disowning the others or the effect that these countries have had upon you and your sense of self? When i say i’m Australian, or someone introduces me as an Australian, i feel obligated to say that i was born in LA and raised there for the first few years of my life but that we spoke French at home and at school.
I do not fully understand WHY i do this.
Its just that the fact that i was born in LA means a lot to me — and i don’t fully know WHY as i have no cultural attachment to it. I have never lived in Mauritius for any length of time apart from a few months/six months when i was a kid and holidays but i feel an attachment culturally because it is where my mother came from and where my extended family gather.
Australia is where i have lived throughout my pre-teen and teen-years and where my father is from. So in thought patterns i know that i am Australian — but also Franco-Mauritian.
It’s confusing! I am sorry if i am not explaing myself coherently or succinctly enough, feel free to ask questins and i’ll answer!
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5 Comments to “Attatchment et al.”
January 3rd, 2008 at 8:37 am
1. All the time, Isa! Not just relationships, but I remember not wanting to make close friends because I knew I was going to leave soon.
I thought “what’s the point of investing so much of myself if I plan to leave anyways?”
My girlfriend was first my best friend for several years, and we kept in touch online whenever I had to move. It was nice to have that consistency, having someone who was always there, no matter where I moved.
Keeping it touch consistently is the reason why it worked. The more time you invest in someone, the more you love. But it was only when I moved in the same time zone that we decided to have a serious relationship! Why? Because we talked a LOT more… it does help to live in the same time zone!
Where do you plan on moving?
I have more to say on your other topics too, I’ll get back to this post.
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January 3rd, 2008 at 4:18 pm
As far as boyfriends go, or relationships in general, I’ve never actively sought one, they just sort of happened as they usually do. I never fully developed them but it wasn’t because I was consciously thinking “Well, I won’t be here forever” more because that’s always been the trend in my life… so it’s normal so to speak. But I’ve noticed that some people buck that trend, and you get to know them really well and know that you’ll be in touch with them for a long time.
I can sort of understand the whole Mauritian aspect to it because of how culturally diverse the country itself is. I’ve noticed that Indians try to classify me as Indian, despite the fact that India and Mauritius are two completely different things. I also feel like important parts of myself are being ignored if people classify me as just one thing, be it “Indo” Mauritian (I hate that freaking term)/Motswana/Zimbabwean/American etc. I don’t feel conflicted about these different attachments at all, not since I realized that being made to feel bad or confused about it was the result of others attempting to put me in a neat little box. Be proud of your confusing heritage! I find it cool.
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January 3rd, 2008 at 5:06 pm
1. Although I am in a long-term and permanent relationship with my boyfriend of 5 years I still do have problems with attachment. The only serious attachment that I’ve ever had is with my boyfriend and I think that will be the only thing for now until I get married and have kids etc etc.
I stayed with my boyfriend because he is the only thing that keeps me “stable”. The only reason for me to feel like I “belong” somewhere. And what’s more, if I move my “home” can move with me XD
Yes I did have a problem committing to this relationship at first and yes there were a lot of conflicts between me and him but it was his willingness to work it out despite the differences that made me stay. If he turned out to not care about who I was I probably wouldn’t have stayed with him for 5 years and going.
I think one just needs to give it a try and see where things are going and whether there is a mutual understanding of the situation.
2. Right now I feel very culturally American LOL And I am trying to get rid of it!!!!
3. Yes!! I always use that excuse when someone is like “But how can you not know?!” and then they will understand once I said “But I never lived there long enough!” However, there are a few annoying once that regardless of where I lived I SHOULD be keeping myself up to date with the going ons of my birth country…um no.
4. Yes, when I say I am “born in Taiwan” I feel like I should also explain that I feel very “southeast Asian” because I grew up there. But then if I don’t say I am “born in Taiwan” and say I am from the US instead for example it just doesn’t make any sense…lol
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January 5th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
I also have a hard time foming attachments to things/people/places. esspecially when i know I will be leaving and even when I do get semi attached when I am getting close to a leaving date I begin to distance myself from them. I have even found myself doing this when I was not planning to leave but in my mind my 2 years where up and I was preparing to move even though I wasn’t going anywhere. For a while I had to consiously remind myself I was not leaving and that made me feel rather deppressed becasue I kind of wanted to be moving agian.
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June 22nd, 2008 at 1:47 pm
1. I equate getting involved with being tied down, but also with running the risk of being left/losing people.
From what I’ve read, these are all classice TCK fears and I’m dealing with them, well, sort of. Ideally, I’d like to meet a fellow ATCK who gets the restlessness and who won’t mind moving with me or doesn’t mind me going off on my own for a bit, even if it’s only for short term trips (that’s how I’m trying to soothe the travel itch these days). I can’t keep on moving, because that would hurt my career, so I’m trying to stay put, but it’s a struggle and I wish, I wish…
2. As for what I am culturally, well, my background is South East Asia and the Netherlands. I’m not Dutch enough to fit in NL, though many aspects of my character and behaviour are very Dutch, but definitely don’t fit in Asia, although the only time I feel truly relaxed is when I’m back in Asia (do you know that feeling of instant calmness when you walk out the airport and smell the ‘old’ smells and feel the temperatures?), so I’ve come to think of myself as European, just to give it a name, really.
I’ve found that things tend to settle somewhat when you get older. The so-called sharp edges fade a bit.
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