As lost as ever…. | TCKID 2.0

As lost as ever….

When I tell people about how I’m confused about what to study, or where to study, they usually respond with “do what you want to do,” or worse, a question: “What would you like to do?”

I’d like to write children stories, while sitting in a hammock, watching the waves of the Indian Ocean crashing into the white beach, on my very own island. But that’s not much of a career plan.

The truth is, I don’t know what I want. So far, I’ve managed to fill up on things I don’t want, which is supposedly just as productive. (It’s not – just frustrating.) I try new things – new country, new school, new friends, new college, new guy, new language – but I usually don’t follow through. I have lots of beginnings, but then I run out of steam…… I lose momentum, and once the inertia sets in I find myself stuck in the same situation.

I still don’t know what I want.

Not what I want to study.

Not where I wanna study.

Not even what exactly it is about myself, that I keep trying to fix.

And when I try to talk to people (mainly “monos”) I find myself explaining myself, so that they can understand me, without ever getting to the actual point. For example, I’ve been depressed in the past, and recognizing similar patter ns in my behaviour I decided to seek help before I fall into the pit of gloom. After waiting for 3 months, I finally get an appointment with a psychologist, and drag myself over there, relieved that I will finally be able to deal with this.

Before the first session, one has to fill in a paper with basic info. Name, birthday bla bla bla. Medical history, how many sibling……. and the came the tricky bit. There was a box for changes in family life, mainly divorce/remarriage. And then, another box simple marked, anything else. I could’ve filled pages with that. I barely had enough time to mention I’d moved around a lot before I got called in. Great.

It was the most awkward hour of my life. The whole time I kept yo-yoing through my memory, leaping from early childhood to last week. Occassionally she’d ask me a question, but the type that made me think, “Ah, what’s the use? She’s not gonna get it anyway.” I was back to trying to explain my life, so that she could understand where I’m coming from, so we could actually get to the point where I talk about now……….

I left, feeling as empty as ever, with little faith she could help me. And so, here I am. It’s almost 1 a.m. I don’t wanna go to work. Or class. I just wanna sleep, and wake up with the puzzle pieces that are my life in together, forming a picture from which I could recognize myself. Cos I don’t know who I am. Under the layers of adaptation

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Posted by Maija at 9:24 am on March 30th, 2009. Comments
Categories: General Forum.

  • Umuntu
    You are one of us, a TCK. A person with more than one background, and you can be stronger for it. It is what makes us who we are. It is our identity. It makes us independent.

    I hope you can develope a good friendship with another TCK with whom you can share and through whom you can be supported. Someone you can trust, who really wants the best for you.

    You are loved, you are accepted, and you are admired.
  • DBJR
    Hey Maija,

    I've been seeing a psychologist weekly for over a year now and while I'm sure it's not for everyone (not even all TCK's) I'd encourage you to give it a chance.

    My therapist definitely didn't "get it" for quite a while and to be honest the only reason I kept showing up was that I was in a desperate situation and she was a lifeline for me.

    As time moved on though, I really began to feel like she did understand what I was about. These days she sometimes sees the connection between my behavior/feelings and my turbulent/rootless past more clearly than I do.

    When I move again I doubt whether I'll look for someone new. Having gone through the process I know how much you have to invest for it to be worthwhile, and the idea of starting again from scratch is just too depressing.

    What I've found really useful in dealing with my sense of profound confusion is to take the pressure off. I don't need to figure out who I am, what I want, or where my place in the universe is anytime today; or this week; or this year. I've just been trying to take notice of what makes me happy in my daily life, dwell on that, and over time build a better understanding of what's important to me. I've found that answers to big life-decision questions sometimes drop unexpectedly out of this kind of honest, unhurried reflection.
  • Katie
    Hey Maija,

    I've never posted on here before but your story touched a nerve with me and I really wanted to say hi. I'm really sorry you are going through a rough time, don't forget though you don't have to figure everything out right now. Loads of people even in their 50s still dont want to know what they want to do when they "grow up"! and nowadays people rarely stay in the same job/place for life.

    I think maybe its quite common with ATCKs to move around a lot (jobs/courses/relationships) always looking for something "better". It takes a hell of a lot of strength to try and tackle these feelings and you sound like you are really self aware which is great :0)

    I reckon that some sort of counselling might help to work things through (esp as it sounds like you want to change your behaviour?) but remember its your responsibility to talk about what you want to- its your session not the therapists, and a good one will help you. Try and give it a bit of time cos it wont all get sorted in one session.

    Those puzzle pieces of your life make up YOU, even if they are a bit jumbled it just makes you more interesting! Imagine being a boring mono.... how dull would that be?

    Best of luck. Hope your ride gets a little easier,

    :))
  • connie1
    My philosophy is, when you can't decide what you want to do in the future, do what you want to do now. :)

    I also write children's stories. When you love doing something so much, just do it and worry about the rest later. Allocate time each day to write. I'm studying and writing at the same time so you're not alone. :) Studying is part of self-discovery. Keep an open mind and you'll find out more about what you like alone the way. There are no short cuts in life.

    Also, as a writer, it's always desirable to have diverse life experiences, and that includes broad knowledge about many things. Listen to your guts when you select your school/program and courses but don't worry too much about selecting something you absolutely love straight away. It will come to you later on. I hated it when I studied my first degree but now when I look back, even though I don't work in the field now, it was an excellent learning experience. Do not dismiss knowledge that you don't "love" immediately... that's my advice for you. :)

    Wish you the best of luck!
  • scott
    Hey, I am going to the quack shack too! It is weird. But I can see the acceptance of a pattern already, because it sounds like you don't want to go anymore.(the whole patter you just described of not following through)
    In my own experience, i sometimes dread it. I have to confront allot of these issues that i bottle up without letting go. I just have to work allot on believing the process can help me, instead of being my normal pessimistic self when it comes to understanding. I think sometimes I am really scared of someone actually understanding, so it isn't just they that can't understand, I play a role by keeping people at a distance. But now I am at least starting to learn that i am in control, and that I can do whatever i want. I think as a tcks we were so dependent upon our parents for things(moving, family life, school), that when we are given the wheel, we don't know where to turn it. let's face it, being a TCK doesn't leave us with allot of choices as a kid! I am still trying to confront these issues, but I realize now that I am in control of things. and you are too- It just takes some getting used to.

    I personally love to write(hence the length . . . sorry ;) ) but i have so many other avenues which i could (and am) pursuing. Are you majoring in English or creative writing? Also, I have decided that I am determined to get a degree, as I want to show that I was able to commit to something for 4 years. however, I also rather like the Idea of doing Study Abroad for semesters. It's a way of committing without sacrificing the travel! Commitment is hard though. For me it takes ALLOT of effort. but at the same time, very few of our commitments are forever, so I am trying to realize that i don't HAVE to do this or that. or that what my degree says DOES NOT have any bearing on what i do for the rest of my life. It's just a tool to help me get there. I think we try often as TCKs to fulfill other's expectations, etc. instead of trying to just fulfill our needs. And our own needs do matter.
    One of the other things i noticed was you talked about "getting to the actual point" with monos or other people. for me, I have really high expectations or something, and I don't think my relationships fulfill them. Perhaps we just desire our old friendships, instead of the new ones. I think it might benefit to find out what that 'actual point' is, before jumping on the "don't care" bandwagon. In my experience, people care more than I think they do.
    Anyway, I hope that my ranting made some sense, and the best of luck :D
  • Grace
    I say write children's stories.

    Life is too short to not do what you love. Quit school, work only enough to get by and spend the rest of your time trying to become a really good children's book writer. Do research, constantly read up about everything that has to do with becoming a children's book writer and most of all, make contacts.

    What's the worst that can happen? You end up in the same position you are now. You have nothing to lose. If school isn't for you, at least for the time being, then don't go.

    I think you can live your dream and get good enough at writing books to be able to get your own little place on an island, complete with hammock.

    Life is all about taking chances. You just have to be brave enough to do it. And remember that most of the time, you can't end up in any worse of a position that you are in now.

    Good luck! :)
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