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Are non-TCKs really that different?

I don’t mean to spoil the mood here, but are non-TCKs really that different than we are?
First let me address a few of the differences TCKs claim to have:

1) We are more culturally aware

I’ve met many non-TCKs who know as much about the world as we do. They study languages, travel, meet people from different cultures. I’ve also met a lot of TCKs who despite being abroad not only despise local culture, constantly claiming their passport culture is better, but also make no effort to learn about the local culture.

2)We suffer from being separated from friends

I’ve met a lot of non TCKs who moved from one area to another in the same city, 4,5,6 times in their lives changes schools every time (that applies especially to large cities). They have to adapt to new environments, make new friends…At some point in their life, people all move, they go from Elementary to Jr high, to senior high, to college to grad school to work, often leaving tons of friends behind.

Yes we may think that at least they don’t have to adapt to a new culture and environment, but correct me if I’m wrong, international schools use English as the language, and American products are the norm.

3) We suffer a culture shock when we go to college

Yes we are very spoiled, we all belong to upper class societies abroad, and then we have to deal with roommates in college. But how much culture do international schools borrow from local cultures? Do people kiss each other on both cheeks in international schools in Europe? Do people bow to each other in international schools in Asia? Plus don’t we usually get to spend 2/3 months of vacation a year in our passport countries? Isn’t that enough to learn from our passport culture. Yes culture shock may be the fact that we go from 2 drivers and 3 maids to cooking dinner all by ourselves and taking the subway, and in some cases the fact that we no longer are the guy with the funny face walking in the street(but then I think we’re usually relieved that we no longer have to speak sign language when we argue with shop owners). Non-TCKs also go though the transition between mommy cooking dinner and TV dinner…

4) We are rejected by people in college

I’ve met tons of people who have a tough time in college the first couple of months. They all come from different cities or countries, have their different accents but they still make friends after a while. They all left their girlfriends, their high school memories… and forget about them after a few months and get moving with their lives. The thing is that we have a superiority complex: we lived abroad so people should look up on us. Would you listen to the childhood memories of a guy from Austin, Texas. The thing is that the most annoying people tend to be those from “Noo York” who constantly bring up their stories about how great life was back in the city. That’s sort of how we are, except that we tend to mention Paris, Moscow, Nairobi or whatever tropic location we were in, and as much as you wouldn’t care about the guy from Austin, TX’s life, people don’t care about Nairobi and find it annoying when we bring it up in class (we always have counter examples for what the teacher says because things in Nairobi were different, but so was it for the guy from NY or Austin). And I bet the guy from Austin also wished people listened to stories about how big his ranch was.

Does anyone feel the same way?

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Posted by anonymoustck at 2:27 am on June 8th, 2009. Comments
Categories: General Forum.

  • Doreen
    "Yes we may think that at least they don't have to adapt to a new culture and environment, but correct me if I'm wrong, international schools use English as the language, and American products are the norm."

    Erm....American products are the norm? Where? In America? TCK's don't all live in America. TCK's aren't all American, and all international schools definitely do NOT use English. Two of my former TCK students right now (here in China) are attending Japanese school. I really don't understand the American products point...
  • aradhana
    sorry if the last post ended a bit angry sounding or offensive, but the question pushed a VERY BIG red button because at the core it questions the entire TCK experience... which is one of the reasons why this entire site exists and so many different people are putting in so much hard work into this project... we want to validate our feeling and experiences so that others' journey's to self-realization many not be as painful as ours were. :)
  • aradhana
    anonymoustck, are apples and oranges really that different, after all they are all fruit that grow on trees that people love to eat and they make great juice drinks?

    Yes TCKs and non-tcks go through similar experiences but the differences are on a deeper level.

    1. Yes non-tcks can travel and meet people from different parts of the world, but they are still tourists with a rooted identity. TCKs on the other hand a caught in that they are not tourists yet the are not locals. Non-tcks have a certain level of detachment... the create a schema of "otherness" yet for tcks there's the feeling that this is also mine. On the issue of defensive nationalism, you will often find that in tcks who fall into the "look different, think the same" or "look the same, think differently" relational pattern... it often comes from a place of hurt by rejection or feeling invalidated.

    2. Yes there are non- tcks that move around to but they are still operating in the same basic cultural context. Is a move from LA to NY really as "shocking" as a move from, lets say the Netherlands to Saudi Arabia. Plus when non-tcks move they can often hold on the sentimental things. One such example in Ruth's book are things like dinner plates. TCKs can carry literally what only fits in a suitcase. On the issue of American schools and boarding schools they are never truly "American". Since there are people from so many different places in the world an little international subculture is created that does not exist in regular schools.

    3. Firstly, not all tck belonged to upper-class societies living abroad. I doubt the average missionary kid or army brat would say that their lives were particularly upper-class and luxurious. It's an assumption unfortunately that many non-tcks make. Yes people come from different parts of the US but still again they are operating on the same general cultural context. They understand what the "college experience" is about. They have no problem socializing and talking about pop culture, they understand what is expected in social relationships like dating and etc. You will find that most tcks tend to be drawn to international students because they understand the same felling of confusion. But as ruth said tcks aren't given the same leeway "real" international students are given because they "should" be American (or British or Indian, or whatever the context may be). We tend to talk about all the places we have been because that's who are are. If a someone from NY or LA, or Dallas was hearing generalizations about his city that he know were not true I bet you he would point out the exceptions. The issue is not the tck, but the fact that the tck's insight challenges the majority's accepted stereotypes and their established ideas about the world. What to think when all your life you've confidently believed Africa was just one big jungle with starving people then here come somebody talking about wonderful the city of Accra or Lagos is - it forces people to face their own prejudices.

    From the statements in you comments I get the feeling that you are tck all because these things are core parts of the tck experience that we all understand. If you would like to sincerely know more about tcks and if "we really are that different" I suggest you read Ruth Van Renken's book Third Culture Kid: Growing Up between worlds.

    In the end, we don't want special treatment or to be looked upon as high and almighty.... all we really want is the ability to be accepted for who we are.
  • Zoe
    "YES" X Zillion times............
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