a tck thing happened on the way to the theatre…
so i am in rehearsal for this play. its sort of an idea that this guy had and now he’s sort of half writing half workshopping it together, its pretty cool project. anyway, so the other day in rehearsal we play a game called ’saying goodbye’.
basically the director builds this scenario of how you are getting up in the morning, late for work or an important meeting or something, when you suddenly remember a very very close friend or family member is getting on a ship and leaving that very day at that time and you will most likely never see them again. the person leaving is going somewhere for something fantastic.
the point of the excercise is to build up this sort of rush of conflicting emotions (happy for the person because they are going to do something they love, sad because they are leaving, angry because you didn’t get to hug them as the boat is pulling out when you get there). but as i got to the (imaginary) pier, where i was to wave goodbye to the person as they sailed away, i felt, well…not much.
when the director was explaining the game, i was thinking ‘uh-oh, guess who’s going to be the heartess wench who just waves, blows a kiss and then gets in her car and leaves?’ but then i decided not to preempt it and let myself get lost in the excercise. well, i was right, i felt a bit of sadness and such but nothing very hectic. everyone else were almost in tears, really emotional.
so after the game, we talked about it and i said that it may have been a bit lost on me. when i asked why, i explained. to me this makes sense; i have been moving about since i was 11 months old, i have left SO many people never to see them again, So many people have left me it has just become a norm, a part of my life. some say it s a coping mechnism, i think its because it’s all i know. who is to say i SHOULD be different just because society’s norms dictate that my heart should be ripped out eveytme someone leaves.
they didn’t get it. not at all. i was told i was probably avoiding my feelings, bottling them in. but its not like that. i may not get emotional when saying goodbye, i may not even miss people for like the first year i am gone, but i do eventually miss them. even if its in fits and starts. i remember them quite fondly and i do get sad that we can’t hang out. but its SO a part of my life, i mean i don’t know what else to say! its NOT a coping mechanism, its NOT me hiding my feelings, it is what it is.
anyway, i know not all tcks are like this, few in fact but i am. is there ANYONE else who may think (like me) that it is possible to be relatively emotionally healthy but just not all emo about goodbyes?
before i knew i was tck, i used to say it takes me a long time to ‘click’. meaning i could be in a place for about 2 years before the enormity of what i big move i made hits me. and then by then i already have friends, am familiar with the place etc. maybe it is a coping mechanism, but i just don’t like that term because it suggests that there is a better way to do it. like somehow crying at the airport will make me a more ‘normal’ more ‘whole’ human being. something i very much doubt.
anyway, this was more of a rant than anything.
February 8th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
I think saying goodbye (or leaving or being left) doesn’t have such a big emotional impact on us because we’ve done it more often. Think of the first time you did anything — slid down a slide in a park, if you can remember that far back. Or watch a very young child go down a slide for the first time. Often they’re a little scared, a little hesitant, they want to make sure their mom is watching… it’s a big deal! After they go down the slide a few hundred times it is not a big deal. At that point if they don’t seem nervous it isn’t because they’re bottling up their feelings — it’s because it has become normal! I think it’s the same with any human experience. Saying goodbye is a much bigger deal to most people because they haven’t done it as many times, that’s all.
Stef, I know what you mean. Sometimes I just “miss”, too! Everything at once, and maybe even including the “normal” life I could have had and didn’t!
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February 9th, 2008 at 5:19 am
Yes I know that feeling… I think that’s why I was touched when I read the book - Never Let Me Go (Kazuo Ishiguro). People have said many things about this book but I think it’s a book about things you have lost and that feeling of just ‘missing’ everything.
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February 9th, 2008 at 5:39 am
I have lived in one country for quite a few years now - my passport country. I have found that a change is beginning to happen about the whole “good-bye” thing. Gradually, as i’ve been here I think i am beginning to see good-byes as more of an issue. I don’t know whether it is because i am around people who find it all so traumatic or what.
I remember as a child being a little sad to leave my friends (or see them leave) but it never really caused too much upset. But now I am ever so slightly more sensitive to it - and strangely this has made me re-live saying good-bye to so many people from the past. I often get emotional now when i think about the last time i saw some of my close friends from school. Mostly, I think because I have become close to friends with non-TCK’s who have all their old school friends around them, so i see what i’m missing.
Maybe i just need to move somewhere else, both for that and most importantly because I am developing a regional accent - noooooo!!! haha.
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February 13th, 2008 at 12:33 am
You know I just recently asked myself this question - about saying goodbyes. I met and had a good chat (for the first time!) with a German guy on the plane on my way back to Shanghai from Bangkok. Well we never got each other’s names for some reason but we know about each other’s background (actually the conversation started with him asking me about Third Culture Kids because I had the book out of my bag and stuck in the front seat pocket LOL But no, he wasn’t a TCK but was interested in the topic).
So anyways when we deplane we had to take the bus to the airport. I didn’t end up getting on the same bus as he did so the goodbye was just a wave to my “new friend” through the bus’ glass doors. And then I felt a relief after that! It was odd.
When I meet new people in public places I for some reason always avoid trying to “keep in touch”. I was reading a section in the TCK book discussing how TCKs get involved in a conversation and the level of information they would begin with and we tend to jump right into Level 3 or something. And I did find myself doing that when I had a chat with that German guy. But after we separated I feel that I don’t want to look for him or give an official goodbye or what not. Like saying, nice to meet you etc. I mean we were having a good chat so I feel kind of odd if I don’t end the conversation properly. But I didn’t want to do that.
And then I just thought, maybe I am just avoiding a “goodbye”. I am not sure…got me thinking…hmmm…
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