A question for ATCKs with kids
As a TCK who is currently trying to look towards the future and figuring out where things will end up, one question that is at the back of my mind is:
How did you decide how you are going to raise your kids?
I know there are some ATCKs that settled down and others that continue their global nomadic lifestyle. I myself am very attracted to settling down but at the same time I will continue traveling just not moving and living. However, I also want my kids to be knowledgeable of a TCK lifestyle. My boyfriend is a non-TCK (although I sometimes think he has some TCK characteristic) and there is a likelihood he may not want to move - I don’t have a problem with that. But the kids’ lifestyle is what I am more concerned about.
For ATCKs that settled down and have kids, how did you go about introducing the TCK lifestyle to the kids?
January 7th, 2008 at 12:06 am
I hear you, Cynthia, I don’t yet have kids but the same question has been on my mind for a while now - being 27, the idea of kids is approaching very quickly!. Isn’t it funny how although a lot of us suffer from our TCK experience, the positive aspects still outweigh the negative and makes us want to pass on this lifestyle, or at least the view on the world?
Like you, I am in a relationship with a non-TCK who is most likely to want to stay settled in Denmark. I think that the most important thing is really just to encourage the kids to develop a tolerant and understanding attitude towards other cultures and I think the rest will come by itself.
I think that one of the important things we can do in this way, is allow the kids themselves to choose whether they want to pursue a cross-cultural lifestyle when they are mature enough, and in this way minimise a lot of the suffering which is part of the TCK experience. I have thought about many ways, in which my children could learn about the multicultural environment (not necessarily TCK environment). I can see myself speaking and reading bedtime stories in English to spark a bilingual environment, and hopefully I’ll be able to afford sending them on summer camps such as Children’s International Summer Villages (http://www.cisv.org/) and the like, and remember to send them a year on exchange when they grow older (which will be an excellent excuse to go travelling and visit them myself)… and then of course, prioritise travelling for extended periods of time by visiting friends and their families (rather than the touristy places, so they can properly internalise a glimpse of the local cultures…)
I’m saying all this now, but who knows when I actually am a mother, I might never want the kids to ever leave home!
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January 7th, 2008 at 1:17 am
I don’t have kids because I chose not to have any (because I’m just not mother material and it wouldn’t be fair to children to have to put up with me), but I think that it would perhaps be better to let them grow up normally where ever you are.
Even if you don’t proactively try to give any TCK influence they’ll get some because their mother is a TCK. Perhaps the food on the table will be just a little more international. Perhaps the conversation during meals will be mixed with TCK input. So will insights into life because it’s all coming from mommy. Maybe you have books in your shelves which reflect TCK choices?
I personally think it’s just going to be easier for them to be allowed to grow-up to be a normal US citizen, Danish citize, British citizen or where ever you are.
I see many women in Spain have children just to fill up the lonely hole in their lives because their men won’t love them (because men here generally speaking seem chained to their mothers who will always be the primary female in their lives) and then the vicious cycle continues into the next generation.
It restores my faith in humanity to see mothers-to-be who are thinking more about their children’s happiness versus viewing children as a means to enrich their own lives. It’s very mature
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January 7th, 2008 at 11:06 am
I agree with Ayako, that there will be a TCK influence through the ATCK parent(s). I have an 8 year old and a 2 year old, and I talk about where I grew up all the time.
Now that my daughter is getting older, she is able to understand more about foreign places, etc. My biggest push with her at this point in her life is to expose her through food, and various TV programs (A&E, travel channel, History)what has been part of my history.
What I’m thrilled about for her, is the fact that she can belong to a sports team, or can be involved in a science fair for more than one year at a time. She has a lot of stability.
When she and my son get a bit older, we will definitely travel more…right now, I don’t feel any desperate sense I have to keep moving, or scornful of my neighbors who might be more “close-minded” or that my children will turn into one of “them”.
You can find richness and learning experiences in every situation, regardless if it’s international or within your own culture. What I consider important is to expose your kids to various cultural experiences, whether it be a homeless shelter or a restaurant with an ethnic twist they are unused to, or whatever. What they learn and opinoins they adopt depends what you, as a TCK, want to teach them from your past, while integrating what they are exposed to on a daily basis.
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January 7th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
I’d love to know how to raise TCKs, my girlfriend is biracial and I’m a multiracial TCK and since our background is so mixed, I’ve always wondered how to give them a strong sense of identity and not make them feel too “different”.
One of the most important thing I thought was to move to a multicultural city, because they’d feel more at home.
Can anybody offer some advice? I’d love to hear from ATCKs!
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January 7th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
Good question I also do not have kids but I agree that a lot of what the parents talk about will get down to hte kids. Be open aout your TCKness and your life have pictures invite people to your home who have lived overseas in different places. Go on trips if possible. If you have a very global outlook on life and live in that way I think your kids will be much more global minded too becasue that is what they grew up with.
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January 8th, 2008 at 2:15 am
hmm…Here’s a question for you Brice. Why do we have to be concerned about race at all, when we don’t even know what race we are when we are little? I think when we are babies we assume we look like the people we see. So I am pretty sure that for example all those little oriental babies who are adopted by caucasian parents grow up thinking they look like the people who adopted them until they are old enough to look in the mirror one day! Surprise!
I guess we have to address it because ultimately we are surrounded by racist people who will make this non-issue into an issue
Not sure if this is the best thing to do but this is the only way I can think of dealing with this problem in a healthy way:
Arm yourself with knowledge about the high points of each civilization (in a big framework) so that if there are ever doubts you can make them proud of every drop of blood that runs in their veins. Stories about any people who did great things from each race group will do.
I don’t think racial pride comes from behaving like people of your own race (which ever group your referring to in each particular case) or dressing like them or even thinking like them, etc. I mean you can do this too, but you don’t have to do these things to be proud?
What has worked for me in terms of ‘racial pride’ was becoming somewhat well-versed in ancient Chinese history which really is mind bogglingly. One can’t look at China Towns and China as it is today or even Taiwan and even begin to fathom how sophisticated their civilization was. If you read ancient Chinese history before the time of Christ you’ll know without any doubt in your mind that any talk about the people in the east being inferior to those in the west is total rubbish and a result of western propaganda. So basically you can feel good about being closely related to this race so to speak.
What you don’t want to do is start feeling superior to everyone because of this knowledge. And why should one be? Because if you study ancient greek history etc, you’ll see that they had something really sophisticated going too.
I’m sure I have only uncovered the tip of the iceberg in terms of knowing the glorious past of the civilizations of the world. I am pretty ignorant about Africa as a whole and India. I have read some bits and pieces but I haven’t really read enough stuff to be able to rant for 1 hour about how marvelous their civilization was yet :p Got to read more books!
Maybe you can tell your kids cool bedtime stories and compile it into a book called: Brice’s Bedtime Stories
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January 9th, 2008 at 12:29 am
About 2 years ago I was sure I would keep emphasising (spelling) that my children are TCKS… I’m not so sure these days. ( Swiss passport, growing up in Thailand going to a German School.) We raise our kids with a knowledge that we do things our way. Different. Different than Thais, different than Swiss,Americans etc . We have our family culture, and we live our lives with our values. Our oldest is 13 and yes, goodbyes hit her hard. My heart aches for raising her to have to go through this. But, I see my nieces and nephews in Switzerland have goodbyes too ! It hurts them too ! LIFE is hard! Ok, a GN has way more good byes I guess.. or do they? Children from broken homes be in Thailand OR Switzerland are uprooted and have no home. They have no sense of belonging… I think you raise GNs like any other children. Love them, listen, listen and LISTEN to them. Spend loads of time with them and for Gods sake don’t send them to a boarding school!!!:-P BTW I totally agree with Julie. ”If you have a very global outlook on life and live in that way I think your kids will be much more global minded too becasue that is what they grew up with.” Thats so important no matter what country you live in !! There, my humble or not so humble opinion haha
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January 11th, 2008 at 12:40 am
haha Ayako, that’s a great idea! Brice’s Bedtime Stories. It will probably involve lolcats, for sure.
But I do agree with what you said.
Since I’m a French/Vietnamese/Ethiopian with a North American twist, I feel some responsibility to teach them my ‘culture’, whatever it is. And my girlfriend’s Korean culture too.
But then, that means are kids CANNOT live in a monocultural society without feeling different. That’s impossible!
It also gives them…. a very multicultural identity. Foundations and cultural identity is important, but what if you’re totally mixed?
We’ll be their only role models!
So I have to be prepared for that…. hence the need to move in a multicultural city, so they can feel somewhat normal.
Oh, speaking of bedtime stories…
There are so many AWESOME children stories from other cultures, that aren’t my own.
For example, I know a few Jewish stories on friendship (I am not Jewish) but I absolutely love it! It has a fantastic storyline and a great moral values.
Why deprive my kids of this?
I think I’ll add this to the BBS. (brice’s bedtime stories)
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January 11th, 2008 at 8:05 am
Hi Cynthia. I grew up in Japan as an MK, and went back as an adult in the military. Although my wife is not a TCK, she was also in the military. In fact, we met and married in Japan. So I expected her to share my feelings about wanting to move every 2-3 years, but once we were both out she really wanted to settle down, especially after we had children, so we have been living in the DC area for the past 20 years. Which has been OK with me since I still get to travel (a lot), but I do get that desire to move around (still).
So my kids are both college age now — my daughter is 20, and my son is 18. They have been greatly influenced by our perspective and outlook (and that of one set of grandparents, since my parents still were in Japan when they were still young.)
Both kids have reached out to international students, and have also participated in international programs — without us having to push them. Both attended Governer’s School for Japanese language (a summer program for High School here in Virginia), and both participated in a program called High School Diplomats (sponsored by AIG) where they went to Princeton for three weeks the first summer and lived and went to classes together with Japanese students, and went to Japan the second summer to live and study with Japanese students there. I have also taken my family to visit Japan. My daughter is majoring in Poly Sci / International Relations, took 5 years of Latin in school and 2 years of Japanese in college, and spent last summer in Florence doing a summer semester in Italy. My son has no idea what he wants to study but he is taking Chinese language his freshman year.
I think all of this is because we have had our own experiences to share with them. Sometimes I regret that even though they are interested in non-US centric activities and in traveling, that they will never be TCKs. Part of me is sad because of that, but I also remember the price I have paid for being a TCK and I also realize that giving them stability during their school years has been a good thing as well.
Now that our kids are kind of “out of the nest,” we are starting to explore possibilities of going back overseas ourselves. Of course, now that we are on the business side of things, my wife wants to hold out for the offer where we have the car and driver etc. provided with the posting… hehe. Probably won’t happen but I bet we get overseas somewhere. I’d like to live in Europe this time around.
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January 11th, 2008 at 8:18 am
Here’s a short true story that I tried to tell to a bunch of non-TCKs, and all I got were frowns and stares.
We were going home from Japan on our first furlough, and passing through Honolulu. I went to Japan when I was 6 months old and had no recollection of the US. My younger siblings were all born in Japan. We boarded a bus at the airport, and the driver just happened to be a Black man. We had never seen people with dark skin before. My brother took one look at the driver and blurted out “Mom, why doesn’t that man wash his face? His face is really dirty and he needs to wash it.” My dad apologized to the driver and explained our situation. He was very gracious, and told my brother it was OK, and that that was the natural color of his skin. Of course, my brother wanted to touch him to make sure it really was. Any place in the US other than Hawaii, this could have been a lot more uncomfortable: the year was 1964.
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