Being a TCK is having a restless monster inside of you
Where to begin? Being a TCK is having a restless monster inside of you, waiting to leap out and devour your happiness whenever it pleases. It’s unpredictable, and completely crushing, every time. The number of times I’ve settled into a new environment, a new culture, a new lifestyle; felt confident and happy. Yet there’s always that day or two where nothing can prepare you for the lonely and painful truth: you belong to absolutely nowhere. Your culture is a non-existent one; a jumble of different ideologies and traditions. My dad’s from Zimbabwe and my mum from Belgium. I’m 18 and I’ve moved seven times between the US, Europe and China. I was always put in a French International school.
Yet the French International Schools differed. In London, the school was filled with international French students who had never moved during their adolescence, and if they had, it was from France to the French neighborhoods in London. Not that big a transition. And they were all extremely happy to have had the experience; they were naturally inquisitive and more open to different cultures. Clearly, the move helped them grow.
What shocked me most was when I lived in Hong Kong when I was 14 years old. Most of the people in my year had travelled as much as I had, and I remember going to a party one day where we had a competition on “who has the most scars on their bodies”. One girl even tried to commit suicide that year. They would then proceed in taking ample amounts of drugs and alcohol. Many of my schoolmates suffered from memory loss because of it, and their parents never noticed, because they were too busy devoting themselves to their bank instead of their family. Although I am very close to my family, it wasn’t always that way. When we moved to Hong Kong, my siblings and I waged war against our parents, as we were tired of leaving our friends. But what could they do? Moving around was part of their career. So when that didn’t work, we turned against each other. My sister almost died of anorexia that year, but after a year in the hospital, she recovered. My brother didn’t spend a day without drinking.
Forcing teenagers to move excessively can be exceedingly dangerous. Children can handle it, I think, but teenagers after the second, third, forth or fifth move, can feel extreme anxiety. Although we are all now accomplished, tolerant and educated, I can’t help but ask myself: at what cost?
December 28th, 2007 at 3:26 pm
whoa, ayako, that is one crazy story man! like cynthia i can TOTALLY relate, which scares me even more. of course i don’t think the grandfather deserved to be killed! but i can completely understand how that kid just snapped.
my family repatriated when i was 8 and although i left the country again for boarding school at 12, i still came home every holiday and had to put up with being critisized ALL the time. i became very introverted in botswana, never went out during the holidays, never did anything, just longed to go back to school where my friends and teachers didn’t judge me. can you imagine? a teenager who loved school term more than the holidays. yea, it was that bad.
but at the end of the day, the way i see it is this: everyone, tck or no, has stuff that happened in thier lives that creates what i like to call ‘fodder for therapy’, and the tck issues can seem extreme because they go unrecognised. like if you (heaven forbid) you were abused as a child, or have divorced parents or any other stress causing background, you can pretty much turn on the tv, pick up a mag, get on the internet and find plenty of information. hell, just the fact that your parents will know what you are talking about if/when you tell them you are having problems. with this tck stuff, most parents have no idea, they just think we are trying to be different or difficult. teachers have no clue, most psychologists don’t know how to deal with it. that can make us feel very alone. i know it made me feel very alone come times and completely unvalidated.
but now i have all you guys! awwwwwww group hug!
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December 28th, 2007 at 3:40 pm
That is an amazing story, for the wrong reasons. My best friend is a Japanese TCK and his dad is often telling us how sad he is that Japanese society seems to be taking steps in the wrong direction.
He told us about this little girl who’s friend made a bad comment on her website.. so the next day during recess she invited her friend to an empty class room. Sat her down, told her to close her eyes and put her hands on the table. And then she took a stanley knife and slit her friend’s throat.. she then walked back out blood all over her hands as if nothing had happened. When they asked her if she knew what she had done wrong, she said “No don’t worry, she’ll come back to life… they always do in the cartoons…”… There was another but I forget it now… Its a crazy world people… a crazy world…
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December 29th, 2007 at 3:05 am
Everyone really has a point here. Different people respond to the whole TCKid experiences differently. I myself had a very difficult time in highschool with goodbyes, moving and of course a lot of crazy things that kids get into overseas that don’t seem to be as accessible in the states.
I also fight with belonging and short term friendships, but as Brice said, we do have a home. The only difference is that it isn’t necessarily a place, its the people we know all over the world. It is so easy to be angry at our parents for the lifestyles we have lived, but its already happened, so now the best thing we can do is make the best of it. We have been given the eyes of the world, so wake up each morning and smile because unlike that person that lives next door, you have an entire army of TCK friends in just about every corner of the world!!!
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January 1st, 2008 at 7:44 pm
i always wanted to go london
okay to everyone, i dont have an alcohol problem okay! i really dont.
sure i party sometimes with my friends, but alcohol is not often involved.
i was just saying, i’v seen soooo many people with that problem, so i started to believe that would maybe be myslef in some years.
i realize now, that you guys took this more serious than me. i apologice for saying that.
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January 1st, 2008 at 7:51 pm
okay okay okay.
all of you have very good points, i get that i was maybe over reacting a little. sorry for that.
now, i do NOT have an alcohol problem you guys.
i’v just seen so many people who do, heard their stories, and in the end, it made me feel like maybe one day, that would be me.
thought it probaly wont, since i really do have future plans for myself.
thought i know, from all this moving, i will never be able to stay in a country/city more than 4 years when i grow up. i get bored of the people and the things there, i will need a new adventure.
i respect and admire those of you who do stay in one place the rest of your lifes tho.
thanks
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January 19th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Dear coukie dou,
I haven’t read through this whole thread because it’s too long. But I’m very, very sorry about your story. Here’s a virtual hug
((((((coukie dou)))))))
How are you feeling now? Is being a teenager recent or was that a long time ago?
I strongly believe that we can allow the suffering in our lives to be a curse or a blessing. Your “at what cost” question is important. There is a huge cost to the painful parts of living in this world, but I know without a doubt that these painful things can turn into good for us and the people around us.
I pray your sad experiences will turn into joy for you. I know that as you become more joyful and comfortable with the life you’ve lived, you will be a wonderful encouragement in the lives of other people who are hurting.
I’m happy for you and your life, coukie dou.
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January 19th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
Just a comment on the “It takes a village to raise a child” quote” - yes, Hillary Clinton said it, but it’s originally an Igbo (ethnic group in Nigeria) proverb. I just thought you would all like to know! I’m just reading through all the comments here now
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January 19th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
Hi Clarita again, still reading through the comments
Sorry for my many comments 
But I guess I’m not sorry enough, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this comment 
Anyway, I would say my childhood was mostly “negative,” if you could characterize it as anything. Still, I am now grateful for it, because it’s part of who I am and has allowed me to be able to support others with more understanding.
So whether we had good or bad experiences or both, they can turn out to be positive in the end if we search for wholeness and maturity for ourselves.
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January 19th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
I’ve been to international school, local schools, home school and U.S. public school. All the international schools I’ve encountered were pretty messed up / toxic. But then again, U.S. public schools have the drugs, alcohol and pressure too. Just to say, everyone has different experiences.
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October 8th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
a comment on coukiedoe’s letter
i really appreciate your comment about being a TCK is like having a monster inside of you. I don’t know how old you are, but my childhood (africa & asia) moves started at the age of six, and went on every two or three years until the age of seventeen, and now at the wise old age of 45 I have come to some startling realisations - bitter and sweet.
Speaking from personal experience, I never really landed psychologically back on canadian soil. I don’t think I want to - for by so doing, I will be letting go of what i have - whatever that is …
Constant gain and loss eventually robs us of the ability to believe in a sense of permanence about anything - friendships, domestic stability, stick-to-it-iveness etc. Although as adults, we know everything is in fact impermanent, a child must be allowed to develop the sense that things are permanent. And as he matures, he will come to know that not everything is permanent. But that ability to develop that early belief system is essential in his early life if he is to learn to develop attachments and commitment. There must be the development of faith in permanence, continuity and stability, for without that faith, it will be difficult to feel grounded, rooted and have a sense of belonging.
We have to be somewhat “ready” for losses. That readiness automatically comes at a certain age, some later than others. And to pull one away before they are “ready” can have disastrous consequences - both short and long term.
If experience teaches you that there will be changes of environment, friends, diet, weather etc, at an unexpected time or a time when it is NOT wanted, the long term eventual results may not be so pleasing.
The parents also have to be comfortable with their overseas move. If the children pick up on the unease of the parents, they will not know the reasons for it, but will think that this unease is a normal emotion to be experiencing. If the home environment seems okay, then they may come to feel that it is the situation outside the house that is the cause for concern, and the children themselves may tend to view the outside world as a hostile place. This can only be worsened by reports of neighborhood robberies and acts of violence being circulated throughout the expatriate community. My parents would often refer to the beauty and good in the world, but a kid cannot always understand that these two elements of good and bad can co-exist at the same time.
Coming back to Canada at the age of seventeen and seeing a “poor white man’ and pregnant girls still in high school really made my head spin. We don’t realize how insulated the overseas living really is, until we are thrust back into our own “home culture” often at the worst possible age.
Between Zaire and Tanzania, we had to return to Canada for a year, and settle in a small town near Toronto. This town had three high schools. When asked on opening day what school we had attended the previous year, the person asking the question expected us to answer, school A, B or C. Not wanting to appear as freaks, we chose to brush it off and not answer it, but when he insisted on an answer, we reluctantly told him “Zaire”. He thought this was in the neighboring province of Quebec, but when we told him that it was in Africa, he rounded up all his friends and feeling threatened by both my brother and I, made us the butt of all kinds of jokes, calling us “African bobos” for the rest of the year. There were no other “foreign” students to establish friendships with, so were were kind of the odd men out. Not easy when you’re fifteen years of age.
I could go on at length about this for quite some time, but as it’s getting late… Why did I write this? therapeutic for me, and I hope helpful for coukiedoe,
I don’t have kids, and if I did would I put them through the same experiences I had had …..? Can’t answer that. No question - the overall experience was something I will always appreciate. I gained from it immensely, it helps me so much in my day to day living, gives me a broader perspective on life, makes me grateful for all the things I have, and things I don’t have and gave me a maturity far beyond my years when i was younger, and perspectives on life you cannot buy, borrow or steal, but as coukiedoe mentions - at what cost and when is the bill finally paid? THAT is my question. The interest charges are high.
i wish you well
kevin
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