Being a TCK is having a restless monster inside of you
Where to begin? Being a TCK is having a restless monster inside of you, waiting to leap out and devour your happiness whenever it pleases. It’s unpredictable, and completely crushing, every time. The number of times I’ve settled into a new environment, a new culture, a new lifestyle; felt confident and happy. Yet there’s always that day or two where nothing can prepare you for the lonely and painful truth: you belong to absolutely nowhere. Your culture is a non-existent one; a jumble of different ideologies and traditions. My dad’s from Zimbabwe and my mum from Belgium. I’m 18 and I’ve moved seven times between the US, Europe and China. I was always put in a French International school.
Yet the French International Schools differed. In London, the school was filled with international French students who had never moved during their adolescence, and if they had, it was from France to the French neighborhoods in London. Not that big a transition. And they were all extremely happy to have had the experience; they were naturally inquisitive and more open to different cultures. Clearly, the move helped them grow.
What shocked me most was when I lived in Hong Kong when I was 14 years old. Most of the people in my year had travelled as much as I had, and I remember going to a party one day where we had a competition on “who has the most scars on their bodies”. One girl even tried to commit suicide that year. They would then proceed in taking ample amounts of drugs and alcohol. Many of my schoolmates suffered from memory loss because of it, and their parents never noticed, because they were too busy devoting themselves to their bank instead of their family. Although I am very close to my family, it wasn’t always that way. When we moved to Hong Kong, my siblings and I waged war against our parents, as we were tired of leaving our friends. But what could they do? Moving around was part of their career. So when that didn’t work, we turned against each other. My sister almost died of anorexia that year, but after a year in the hospital, she recovered. My brother didn’t spend a day without drinking.
Forcing teenagers to move excessively can be exceedingly dangerous. Children can handle it, I think, but teenagers after the second, third, forth or fifth move, can feel extreme anxiety. Although we are all now accomplished, tolerant and educated, I can’t help but ask myself: at what cost?
December 20th, 2007 at 12:29 am
I honestly feel that I’ve never had those issues. The int. schools i’ve been to, I’ve never seen those issues.
Of course my scars could indicate otherwise, there are many other reasons behind them than just being tck.
I’ve only lived in NZ and China. But in each country, I moved house and school many times. Before I was tck, i was moving around a lot. Coming to China, this being my life, changing friends constantly, even though I wasn’t changing my city became a habit. Normal flow of come and go.
But I do think that having been a tck (I’m 18 now…), having moved, having developed cultural perspective, dealt with prejudice and racismn on daily basis, met people of all different cultures, it’s been difficult. But people here there and everywhere are fundamentally the same. I’ve never felt cultural differences have been so significant when the people have been so similar. And also, having been a tck, especially a tck not just limited to int. schools and being rich, my personality, my ablities behavior and attitude are much better than they would have been otherwise…
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December 25th, 2007 at 4:26 am
I am a teenager and currently at my 6th school.
I know this is very little and few compared to some of you guys out there.
anyhow, i agree with the author of this article.
sure we probaly get the best education possible, the widest cultural and religious awarness than an average person.
But we will Always be far more messed up than most people can ever imagine.
I mean, do the parents really see all the tears we cry? or do they just notice and highlight what advantages we have that they didnt (speaking in terms that your parents grew up in one country)?
Do they really see the damage caused to teenagers before its too late? My parents, they haven’t even tried to help me with the transitions.My siblings are all older than me, and my sister has jumped off the train of moving and supposivley setteled back in norway finishing off her senior year there. Me, well it looks like i’m still on this moving train for atleast 4 more years or so.
Sometimes i wonder, who will i be in 10 years? will i have a great carrer (or studying to have one) such as the predictions say? or will i be drinking myself to death because i can’t stand the feeling of being stuck in a place? somehow, things are leaning more towards the second one.
I’m not saying growing up as a TCK is a bad thing when your a teenager, but i honestly think that our parents prioritize and notice more their careers and jobs than our pain, hurt and suffering from being dragged to one continent to another.
I mean, sure they go to the embassy when ever we move to a new country, find some friends there and create a little sircle. But what about us teenager? what if we don’t like the people from out own country?
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December 28th, 2007 at 1:24 am
Julia, don’t lose hope. I know it’s painful right now, but it will get better.
I know many TCKs who express great bitterness towards their parents who are involved in those types of international careers. The question often raised is “Why did we have to move? Why are we here?”
There’s nothing wrong with moving. But it’s *how* you move. Parents don’t always have the right parenting skills required to deal with this.
Parents do play a big role helping out teenagers especially during transition, which is painful, at least it was for me.
We’ve lost a lot of things, and it is painful. But it’s never too late to go back and grieve for those losses — disassociating ourselves from the pain will merely surface in other forms and destructive behaviors like excessive drinking, drugs and all those things.
When the pain is severe, it’s important to have good friends who will listen. Therapists with an understanding of this can also help dealing with those losses.
But you’re not alone, and if you do need help you can always talk to us.
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December 28th, 2007 at 3:07 am
6 schools is a lot of schools for anyone, Julie.
One thing a lot of TCKs tend to forget, being caught up with the idea of being different, is that we’re all people.
We may well have had different experiences, and as you say, the benefit of a great many things. We have challenges that come from that too, but in the end it’s a life and a series of experiences that create you, which is something that every person has.
A lot of people suffer from a variety of issues to do with growing up, direction, life purpose or maturity, TCK or not. Don’t set yourself into a mold of belief that everything that happens to you is unsolveable, because these are lessons that everyone has to learn, challenges that everyone has to overcome. Okay, so they’re complicated lessons and challenges, but if you treat them like something you know you have to tackle, it’s a lot easier than when it seems unattainable.
I’m not going to say that none of the bad things you worry about won’t happen. But I will say that you can’t expect everything to just fall into place. If you can see your life going in that direction, it’s up to you to take responsibility not to do it. We can help you with that, but it’s up to you.
It seems to me that you feel your parents haven’t been there for you. I’m sure a lot of us here on the site have felt that way too. And it’s true, a lot of the time your parents put their priorities over yours, which is the whole moving choice in the first place. If you can talk to them about it, please do, because at the very least they can better understand what you’re going through. Always be sympathetic that their choices aren’t entirely selfish, but maybe they can help you live your life. They just have to know how you feel first.
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December 28th, 2007 at 10:16 am
HI… Just wanted to say… moving all the time can be a painful experience as we all know and we are all affected by it in different ways or on different levels! Some of us cope with change better then others. If you are from Norway then you probably have a boarding house/school there for Dip kids and you should look into it… If however, you don’t want to leave the nest yet… the best thing to do is let your family know how you feel - and work together to find a solution - if that means with pro help then so be it! If you are happy traveling all over the world and what you actually suffer from is ego hence the need for constant attention then get over it- ain’t nobody gonna hold your hand… hope this helped!
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December 28th, 2007 at 12:11 pm
I think that cultural shock can make people mentally unstable and in some cases even trigger psychotic episodes. Society in general aren’t very sensitive to this issue and it’s about time awareness was raised regarding this.
I don’t want to scare any of you with talk of psychotic episodes, but my advisor at the university had a son who was a TCK and during my first summer back in Japan he had a psychotic episode and murdered his grandfather.
They were a very respectable family of professors - all graduates of Tokyo University and university professors by profession.
I had no clue what had happened when I went into for my interview with my advisor who was very kind to me about my getting a ‘C’ in Japanese. All he said was:
“Japanese just isn’t your forte is it?” and he smiled kindly at me and went on to discuss subjects I had done better in.
Others who had performed as poorly as I had told me their advisors had not been so kind to them and berated them for not studying harder.
I wondered why?
Then when I got home I saw the news.
It was about my advisor’s son having a psychotic episode and murdering his grandfather with a knife. His grandfather died from multiple stab wounds. As they took his son away he was shouting saying that his grandfather was the devil and that he had been making life hell for him by criticizing him for not speaking Japanese well enough and not being well…Japanese enough, and going on about this day after day after day…
Then they showed my advisor giving a press conference apologizing for the trouble his family had caused.
I think tears came to my eyes not just because I had been feeling the intense pressure to speak better Japanese and be a better Japanese as well and could actually sympathize with what his son went through, but because I understood why my advisor had been so kind to me…
Sadly it was too late for his own son.
So if you ever feel like you’re going nuts from culture shock and other things - try to take a deep breath and step back and tell yourself that it’s normal to feel like you’re going nuts. You’ve been thrown into a place where people are all different from you so they have this effect of making you feel like you’re crazy! Try not to let this get to you and just accept that you’re different and can’t be like them.
Come to the chat in this site and talk to other TCKs. See a therapist if you have to. Do what it takes to feel better - just don’t kill anyone, including yourself, ok?
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December 28th, 2007 at 1:20 pm
Ayako, Wow…. thanks for sharing that story. I can relate to that intense peer pressure and people having expectations of you. I hope people learn something from this tragedy.
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December 28th, 2007 at 1:53 pm
Hey Julia, I’m not going to sugar coat it, you’ve seriously had it tough. I can’t say I’ve been in the same situation seeing as I’ve always befriended locals, never really had to make friends those from my own country but i understand your feelings of anger and being alone.
Its not unsimilar to the worst week of my life when I learnt I needed knee reconstruction, basically ending my competative athletic career, my dad was diagnosed with cancer and my long term girlfriend broke up with me (all in the same week.. unbelievable huh.. couldn’t believe it myself hahaha.. as they say in australia, you wouldn’t even read about it!). I was angry but mainly I pitied myself, i’m not saying thats what you’re doing, but this is what I did. I pitied myself and drank a lot when we were supposed to be having “casual drinks”… a lot a lot… The stereotypical thoughts of “Why me?? Why now?? This is so unfair, what have i done to deserve this??” ran through my mind. Two weeks of self-pity went past and all that wallowing, although it felt right, got me no where. So one morning with a cracking hangover, I decided that my life and my hapiness wasn’t defined by the people around me or by my situation. My hapiness was and IS my choice, as yours is YOUR choice. I can choose to be happy, regardless of what was going on. Its just that sometimes this is the hardest choice, choosing to be happy when there is so much to be unhappy about…
So thats my story and how I stay so happy. I don’t ignore the things that make me unhappy, I just chose to not let them phase me. Head up Julia, you’ll have one hell of a story to tell your grandkids! oh and if you’re ever passing through London, theres a drink (non-alcoholic hehe) with your name waiting for you courtesy of Moi and quiet time on a bench in Hyde Park where we can people watch all day!
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December 28th, 2007 at 2:32 pm
Hey, Julia,
I almost replied to your post the other day, but I think I’ll actually go ahead and do it now.
We may always have some differences from the single culture people, but that doesn’t necessarily make us “messed up” (though some of us probably are). And remember that most of us wouldn’t want to be just like our home country’s citizens, so we shouldn’t let that bother us too much.
I would guess from your comments that your parents are mostly unaware of the extent of your struggle, as it is occurring from your perspective. Like the others said, try to talk to them about it; and difficult as it may be, try to explain it to them without emotion. In other words, try to et them to understand, don’t try to get them to immediately agree. An argument won’t help you, but a quiet discussion with them (individually or together) might at least be a start. And then you try to understand why they may feel they “have” to move.
And remember that the rest of us are out here and we care and are willing to help in whatever ways we can.
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December 28th, 2007 at 3:00 pm
Wow, that is a very interesting story Ayako…it made me think, that could’ve been me. Not that I ever thought about things that way and luckily I don’t but I do have relatives that would almost do that to me but good thing I only see them a few days out of a year so it didn’t really bother me but I can see how that son just broke.
Thanks for sharing it.
Julia, I can sort of understand what you are going through. I only moved once as a teen but it did have a great impact on me. I was quite angry as a high schooler inside. I blamed everyone else for a lot of things that I feel which they have nothing to do with. I didn’t understand who I am and why I can’t identify myself with anyone. I was envious and jealous and wished I was someone else.
Now that I think back, I wouldn’t change anything though because I did go through it and I am glad that I did. I learned a lot and matured a lot and realized that I am someone so much more special than I really think.
Find someone just like you. I am sure you will find friends for life. Use this website, or Facebook if you have any. Find out if there are TCKs in your area and get a group together. You’d be surprised at how many people there are in this world that actually knows exactly what you are going through. It makes all those hard times worth it!
Good luck! And please use us A LOT of if you are having an emotional breakdown, need to rant or just need someone to talk to, or just talk. We’re all here for you
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