I'm 20, still dealing with the aftermath of teenage TCKdom, though I moved to Ethiopia at 13 and left at 19. It's always hard.

But if I learned anything, it's this: Experience the pain when it happens. If you wanna cry, cry. You want your parents to know how you feel? Tell em! (hint hint Julia & any other teenager reading this)

Cos though they may seem oblivious to our misery, we often go to great lengths to hide it from them. I was depressed for years before I told my mother, and her first shock was that I had not told her anything.

It's hard being a teenage TCK, but our parents are just as confused. They don't necessarily know what's "normal" teenager behavior, and what's TCK angsting...

It's true that the drugs/alchohol issues can face any young person, TCK or not, but I'd definitely say that TCKs take it to another level. When my friends in Finland were struggling to get a few beers or ciders to drink in the park, I was clubbing, having house parties - living it large! LOL.

And peer pressure takes a whole different twist when you feel a stronger urge to make friends and fit in, if only for a moment. But since at an international school, you're all in a similar situation, so it doesn't really pop up in conversation....

I think I was lucky to be in a country so poor that no hard drugs were available, cos I drank and smoked so much in those six years that it's no surprise I'm not in the best of health, or mentally "stable." But at least that's all over and done with, and I don't need to go loco in college, like most kids. I actually feel really old sometimes, cos I see how repetitive and ridiculous the "live for the weekend" cycle is. It's not that fun anymore...I've just been at it so long, I don't know what else to do with my time...

Now, can I blame that on the moving? On my parents? My schools? Sure, but what good would that do me? I've learned to talk about all this stuff, and I think I can talk myself out of it.

I'm with Dimblonde - I don't regret growing up in a different country, going to an international school and now living as a TCA. I really enjoyed it. Of course I haven't moved around as much as half the people on this thread but thats beside the point. I lived in the same country until I was 16, and then went back to the UK - my parents said they tried to raise me to be English but come on. I grew up with Americans, Syrians, Lebanese, and a whole variety of other TCKs. Going back 'home' to the UK was great but I didn't really connect with any of the other kids there.

Becuase I'm a TCK I'm a really sociable person, I'll talk to anyone and everyone, I'm really extrovert but at the same time I can get really lonely - my partner (who isn't a TCK) jokes that I have abandonment issues. I need to be in the same area as some one else or I begin to freak out. I don't need to see them or talk to them, but just knowing they're there is reassuring.

To be honest, I think it is. And it's been personally and maybe emotionally damaging for me, if not physically. I know that I will still continue to travel even after I leave school and turn 20 and whatnot. Thing is, I know I can't do it forever, and I can't keep ignoring everything. In a way, I guess the only reason I haven't completely cracked is because I choose to ignore everything and not care. Somehow, life is a lot easier to deal with that way.
It's interesting how that works out. I do care about people I've met and stuff, but it doesn't hurt so much anymore. Plus I find it easier to deal with ignorant mono-cultures who choose to stereotype me and insist that I'm not chinese enough or whatever. Usually a cold stare does it.
It's given me greater dependence on myself. But I guess it gets lonely sometimes.

As a TCK and a TCA (adult) don't have any regrets about how I grew up and have lived as an adult. Have tried to pass on international life experience without the moving around my kids around - easy as my parents were in HK for many years and have friends all over the world.

The one thing that stands out is a lack of roots, but this can also be liberating by having the ability to just pack up, move and adapt. Although it is like having a restless monster inside, just think of all the exciting things one can learn from a new culture and meeting new people.

Am about to move to my 10th country (and 5th continent) with my partner who also spent part of his childhood overseas. It helps to be with someone who shares a similar background as they understand the issues that one faces, even if he is Canadian and I am Swedish!

Hi Kevin,

I personally feel the costs we pay are too high.

Even though we get a 'better' education than many people because of our first hand experiences and understand a lot of things that many people can only intellectually fathom - I wouldn't put my kids through the same thing to be honest if I had had any, i.e. I chose not to have children.

Don't you think it's enough for the parents to have friends from different countries that they invite into their homes for the child to grow up with less prejudices? Can't this be even better than living overseas all the time and having parents who actually are pretty narrow minded in some cases?

I think we'll only settle our accounts when our children (though I won't be having any) grow up with the benefit of parents who don't drum xenophobic propaganda into their children and it won't ever benefit us personally but contribute in some small way to the good of all mankind.

Also for those of us who won't ever have children - we do have a small impact on people we come into contact with - where other people can see that a person from country A doesn't necessarily subscribe to their stereotype of persons from country A.

I think on one level we have to be contented with someone (in this case someone from Zaire or Tanzania maybe) coming out of all this saying: "You know I met this Canadian guy. He's from Canada but he grew-up in Zaire and Tanzania and doesn't make ignorant comments about Africa like other Canadians do. I like him."

:)

a comment on coukiedoe's letter

i really appreciate your comment about being a TCK is like having a monster inside of you. I don't know how old you are, but my childhood (africa & asia) moves started at the age of six, and went on every two or three years until the age of seventeen, and now at the wise old age of 45 I have come to some startling realisations - bitter and sweet.

Speaking from personal experience, I never really landed psychologically back on canadian soil. I don't think I want to - for by so doing, I will be letting go of what i have - whatever that is ...

Constant gain and loss eventually robs us of the ability to believe in a sense of permanence about anything - friendships, domestic stability, stick-to-it-iveness etc. Although as adults, we know everything is in fact impermanent, a child must be allowed to develop the sense that things are permanent. And as he matures, he will come to know that not everything is permanent. But that ability to develop that early belief system is essential in his early life if he is to learn to develop attachments and commitment. There must be the development of faith in permanence, continuity and stability, for without that faith, it will be difficult to feel grounded, rooted and have a sense of belonging.

We have to be somewhat "ready" for losses. That readiness automatically comes at a certain age, some later than others. And to pull one away before they are "ready" can have disastrous consequences - both short and long term.
If experience teaches you that there will be changes of environment, friends, diet, weather etc, at an unexpected time or a time when it is NOT wanted, the long term eventual results may not be so pleasing.

The parents also have to be comfortable with their overseas move. If the children pick up on the unease of the parents, they will not know the reasons for it, but will think that this unease is a normal emotion to be experiencing. If the home environment seems okay, then they may come to feel that it is the situation outside the house that is the cause for concern, and the children themselves may tend to view the outside world as a hostile place. This can only be worsened by reports of neighborhood robberies and acts of violence being circulated throughout the expatriate community. My parents would often refer to the beauty and good in the world, but a kid cannot always understand that these two elements of good and bad can co-exist at the same time.

Coming back to Canada at the age of seventeen and seeing a "poor white man' and pregnant girls still in high school really made my head spin. We don't realize how insulated the overseas living really is, until we are thrust back into our own "home culture" often at the worst possible age.

Between Zaire and Tanzania, we had to return to Canada for a year, and settle in a small town near Toronto. This town had three high schools. When asked on opening day what school we had attended the previous year, the person asking the question expected us to answer, school A, B or C. Not wanting to appear as freaks, we chose to brush it off and not answer it, but when he insisted on an answer, we reluctantly told him "Zaire". He thought this was in the neighboring province of Quebec, but when we told him that it was in Africa, he rounded up all his friends and feeling threatened by both my brother and I, made us the butt of all kinds of jokes, calling us "African bobos" for the rest of the year. There were no other "foreign" students to establish friendships with, so were were kind of the odd men out. Not easy when you're fifteen years of age.

I could go on at length about this for quite some time, but as it's getting late... Why did I write this? therapeutic for me, and I hope helpful for coukiedoe,

I don't have kids, and if I did would I put them through the same experiences I had had .....? Can't answer that. No question - the overall experience was something I will always appreciate. I gained from it immensely, it helps me so much in my day to day living, gives me a broader perspective on life, makes me grateful for all the things I have, and things I don't have and gave me a maturity far beyond my years when i was younger, and perspectives on life you cannot buy, borrow or steal, but as coukiedoe mentions - at what cost and when is the bill finally paid? THAT is my question. The interest charges are high.

i wish you well
kevin

I've been to international school, local schools, home school and U.S. public school. All the international schools I've encountered were pretty messed up / toxic. But then again, U.S. public schools have the drugs, alcohol and pressure too. Just to say, everyone has different experiences.

Dear coukie dou,

I haven't read through this whole thread because it's too long. But I'm very, very sorry about your story. Here's a virtual hug

((((((coukie dou)))))))

How are you feeling now? Is being a teenager recent or was that a long time ago?

I strongly believe that we can allow the suffering in our lives to be a curse or a blessing. Your "at what cost" question is important. There is a huge cost to the painful parts of living in this world, but I know without a doubt that these painful things can turn into good for us and the people around us.

I pray your sad experiences will turn into joy for you. I know that as you become more joyful and comfortable with the life you've lived, you will be a wonderful encouragement in the lives of other people who are hurting.

I'm happy for you and your life, coukie dou.

okay okay okay.
all of you have very good points, i get that i was maybe over reacting a little. sorry for that.

now, i do NOT have an alcohol problem you guys.
i'v just seen so many people who do, heard their stories, and in the end, it made me feel like maybe one day, that would be me.

thought it probaly wont, since i really do have future plans for myself.
thought i know, from all this moving, i will never be able to stay in a country/city more than 4 years when i grow up. i get bored of the people and the things there, i will need a new adventure.
i respect and admire those of you who do stay in one place the rest of your lifes tho.

thanks

i always wanted to go london :)


okay to everyone, i dont have an alcohol problem okay! i really dont.
sure i party sometimes with my friends, but alcohol is not often involved.
i was just saying, i'v seen soooo many people with that problem, so i started to believe that would maybe be myslef in some years.

i realize now, that you guys took this more serious than me. i apologice for saying that.

Everyone really has a point here. Different people respond to the whole TCKid experiences differently. I myself had a very difficult time in highschool with goodbyes, moving and of course a lot of crazy things that kids get into overseas that don't seem to be as accessible in the states.

I also fight with belonging and short term friendships, but as Brice said, we do have a home. The only difference is that it isn't necessarily a place, its the people we know all over the world. It is so easy to be angry at our parents for the lifestyles we have lived, but its already happened, so now the best thing we can do is make the best of it. We have been given the eyes of the world, so wake up each morning and smile because unlike that person that lives next door, you have an entire army of TCK friends in just about every corner of the world!!! :)

That is an amazing story, for the wrong reasons. My best friend is a Japanese TCK and his dad is often telling us how sad he is that Japanese society seems to be taking steps in the wrong direction.

He told us about this little girl who's friend made a bad comment on her website.. so the next day during recess she invited her friend to an empty class room. Sat her down, told her to close her eyes and put her hands on the table. And then she took a stanley knife and slit her friend's throat.. she then walked back out blood all over her hands as if nothing had happened. When they asked her if she knew what she had done wrong, she said "No don't worry, she'll come back to life... they always do in the cartoons..."... There was another but I forget it now... Its a crazy world people... a crazy world...

whoa, ayako, that is one crazy story man! like cynthia i can TOTALLY relate, which scares me even more. of course i don't think the grandfather deserved to be killed! but i can completely understand how that kid just snapped.
my family repatriated when i was 8 and although i left the country again for boarding school at 12, i still came home every holiday and had to put up with being critisized ALL the time. i became very introverted in botswana, never went out during the holidays, never did anything, just longed to go back to school where my friends and teachers didn't judge me. can you imagine? a teenager who loved school term more than the holidays. yea, it was that bad.

but at the end of the day, the way i see it is this: everyone, tck or no, has stuff that happened in thier lives that creates what i like to call 'fodder for therapy', and the tck issues can seem extreme because they go unrecognised. like if you (heaven forbid) you were abused as a child, or have divorced parents or any other stress causing background, you can pretty much turn on the tv, pick up a mag, get on the internet and find plenty of information. hell, just the fact that your parents will know what you are talking about if/when you tell them you are having problems. with this tck stuff, most parents have no idea, they just think we are trying to be different or difficult. teachers have no clue, most psychologists don't know how to deal with it. that can make us feel very alone. i know it made me feel very alone come times and completely unvalidated.

but now i have all you guys! awwwwwww group hug!

Wow, that is a very interesting story Ayako...it made me think, that could've been me. Not that I ever thought about things that way and luckily I don't but I do have relatives that would almost do that to me but good thing I only see them a few days out of a year so it didn't really bother me but I can see how that son just broke.

Thanks for sharing it.

Julia, I can sort of understand what you are going through. I only moved once as a teen but it did have a great impact on me. I was quite angry as a high schooler inside. I blamed everyone else for a lot of things that I feel which they have nothing to do with. I didn't understand who I am and why I can't identify myself with anyone. I was envious and jealous and wished I was someone else.

Now that I think back, I wouldn't change anything though because I did go through it and I am glad that I did. I learned a lot and matured a lot and realized that I am someone so much more special than I really think.

Find someone just like you. I am sure you will find friends for life. Use this website, or Facebook if you have any. Find out if there are TCKs in your area and get a group together. You'd be surprised at how many people there are in this world that actually knows exactly what you are going through. It makes all those hard times worth it!

Good luck! And please use us A LOT of if you are having an emotional breakdown, need to rant or just need someone to talk to, or just talk. We're all here for you :)

Hey, Julia,
I almost replied to your post the other day, but I think I'll actually go ahead and do it now.
We may always have some differences from the single culture people, but that doesn't necessarily make us "messed up" (though some of us probably are). And remember that most of us wouldn't want to be just like our home country's citizens, so we shouldn't let that bother us too much.
I would guess from your comments that your parents are mostly unaware of the extent of your struggle, as it is occurring from your perspective. Like the others said, try to talk to them about it; and difficult as it may be, try to explain it to them without emotion. In other words, try to et them to understand, don't try to get them to immediately agree. An argument won't help you, but a quiet discussion with them (individually or together) might at least be a start. And then you try to understand why they may feel they "have" to move.
And remember that the rest of us are out here and we care and are willing to help in whatever ways we can.

Hey Julia, I'm not going to sugar coat it, you've seriously had it tough. I can't say I've been in the same situation seeing as I've always befriended locals, never really had to make friends those from my own country but i understand your feelings of anger and being alone.

Its not unsimilar to the worst week of my life when I learnt I needed knee reconstruction, basically ending my competative athletic career, my dad was diagnosed with cancer and my long term girlfriend broke up with me (all in the same week.. unbelievable huh.. couldn't believe it myself hahaha.. as they say in australia, you wouldn't even read about it!). I was angry but mainly I pitied myself, i'm not saying thats what you're doing, but this is what I did. I pitied myself and drank a lot when we were supposed to be having "casual drinks"... a lot a lot... The stereotypical thoughts of "Why me?? Why now?? This is so unfair, what have i done to deserve this??" ran through my mind. Two weeks of self-pity went past and all that wallowing, although it felt right, got me no where. So one morning with a cracking hangover, I decided that my life and my hapiness wasn't defined by the people around me or by my situation. My hapiness was and IS my choice, as yours is YOUR choice. I can choose to be happy, regardless of what was going on. Its just that sometimes this is the hardest choice, choosing to be happy when there is so much to be unhappy about...

So thats my story and how I stay so happy. I don't ignore the things that make me unhappy, I just chose to not let them phase me. Head up Julia, you'll have one hell of a story to tell your grandkids! oh and if you're ever passing through London, theres a drink (non-alcoholic hehe) with your name waiting for you courtesy of Moi and quiet time on a bench in Hyde Park where we can people watch all day!

Ayako, Wow.... thanks for sharing that story. I can relate to that intense peer pressure and people having expectations of you. I hope people learn something from this tragedy.

I think that cultural shock can make people mentally unstable and in some cases even trigger psychotic episodes. Society in general aren't very sensitive to this issue and it's about time awareness was raised regarding this.

I don't want to scare any of you with talk of psychotic episodes, but my advisor at the university had a son who was a TCK and during my first summer back in Japan he had a psychotic episode and murdered his grandfather.

They were a very respectable family of professors - all graduates of Tokyo University and university professors by profession.

I had no clue what had happened when I went into for my interview with my advisor who was very kind to me about my getting a 'C' in Japanese. All he said was:
"Japanese just isn't your forte is it?" and he smiled kindly at me and went on to discuss subjects I had done better in.

Others who had performed as poorly as I had told me their advisors had not been so kind to them and berated them for not studying harder.

I wondered why?

Then when I got home I saw the news.

It was about my advisor's son having a psychotic episode and murdering his grandfather with a knife. His grandfather died from multiple stab wounds. As they took his son away he was shouting saying that his grandfather was the devil and that he had been making life hell for him by criticizing him for not speaking Japanese well enough and not being well...Japanese enough, and going on about this day after day after day...

Then they showed my advisor giving a press conference apologizing for the trouble his family had caused.

I think tears came to my eyes not just because I had been feeling the intense pressure to speak better Japanese and be a better Japanese as well and could actually sympathize with what his son went through, but because I understood why my advisor had been so kind to me...

Sadly it was too late for his own son.

So if you ever feel like you're going nuts from culture shock and other things - try to take a deep breath and step back and tell yourself that it's normal to feel like you're going nuts. You've been thrown into a place where people are all different from you so they have this effect of making you feel like you're crazy! Try not to let this get to you and just accept that you're different and can't be like them.

Come to the chat in this site and talk to other TCKs. See a therapist if you have to. Do what it takes to feel better - just don't kill anyone, including yourself, ok?

HI... Just wanted to say... moving all the time can be a painful experience as we all know and we are all affected by it in different ways or on different levels! Some of us cope with change better then others. If you are from Norway then you probably have a boarding house/school there for Dip kids and you should look into it... If however, you don't want to leave the nest yet... the best thing to do is let your family know how you feel - and work together to find a solution - if that means with pro help then so be it! If you are happy traveling all over the world and what you actually suffer from is ego hence the need for constant attention then get over it- ain't nobody gonna hold your hand... hope this helped!

6 schools is a lot of schools for anyone, Julie.

One thing a lot of TCKs tend to forget, being caught up with the idea of being different, is that we're all people.

We may well have had different experiences, and as you say, the benefit of a great many things. We have challenges that come from that too, but in the end it's a life and a series of experiences that create you, which is something that every person has.

A lot of people suffer from a variety of issues to do with growing up, direction, life purpose or maturity, TCK or not. Don't set yourself into a mold of belief that everything that happens to you is unsolveable, because these are lessons that everyone has to learn, challenges that everyone has to overcome. Okay, so they're complicated lessons and challenges, but if you treat them like something you know you have to tackle, it's a lot easier than when it seems unattainable.

I'm not going to say that none of the bad things you worry about won't happen. But I will say that you can't expect everything to just fall into place. If you can see your life going in that direction, it's up to you to take responsibility not to do it. We can help you with that, but it's up to you.

It seems to me that you feel your parents haven't been there for you. I'm sure a lot of us here on the site have felt that way too. And it's true, a lot of the time your parents put their priorities over yours, which is the whole moving choice in the first place. If you can talk to them about it, please do, because at the very least they can better understand what you're going through. Always be sympathetic that their choices aren't entirely selfish, but maybe they can help you live your life. They just have to know how you feel first.

Julia, don't lose hope. I know it's painful right now, but it will get better.

I know many TCKs who express great bitterness towards their parents who are involved in those types of international careers. The question often raised is "Why did we have to move? Why are we here?"

There's nothing wrong with moving. But it's *how* you move. Parents don't always have the right parenting skills required to deal with this.

Parents do play a big role helping out teenagers especially during transition, which is painful, at least it was for me.

We've lost a lot of things, and it is painful. But it's never too late to go back and grieve for those losses -- disassociating ourselves from the pain will merely surface in other forms and destructive behaviors like excessive drinking, drugs and all those things.

When the pain is severe, it's important to have good friends who will listen. Therapists with an understanding of this can also help dealing with those losses.

But you're not alone, and if you do need help you can always talk to us.

I am a teenager and currently at my 6th school.
I know this is very little and few compared to some of you guys out there.
anyhow, i agree with the author of this article.
sure we probaly get the best education possible, the widest cultural and religious awarness than an average person.
But we will Always be far more messed up than most people can ever imagine.
I mean, do the parents really see all the tears we cry? or do they just notice and highlight what advantages we have that they didnt (speaking in terms that your parents grew up in one country)?
Do they really see the damage caused to teenagers before its too late? My parents, they haven't even tried to help me with the transitions.My siblings are all older than me, and my sister has jumped off the train of moving and supposivley setteled back in norway finishing off her senior year there. Me, well it looks like i'm still on this moving train for atleast 4 more years or so.
Sometimes i wonder, who will i be in 10 years? will i have a great carrer (or studying to have one) such as the predictions say? or will i be drinking myself to death because i can't stand the feeling of being stuck in a place? somehow, things are leaning more towards the second one.
I'm not saying growing up as a TCK is a bad thing when your a teenager, but i honestly think that our parents prioritize and notice more their careers and jobs than our pain, hurt and suffering from being dragged to one continent to another.
I mean, sure they go to the embassy when ever we move to a new country, find some friends there and create a little sircle. But what about us teenager? what if we don't like the people from out own country?

I honestly feel that I've never had those issues. The int. schools i've been to, I've never seen those issues.

Of course my scars could indicate otherwise, there are many other reasons behind them than just being tck.

I've only lived in NZ and China. But in each country, I moved house and school many times. Before I was tck, i was moving around a lot. Coming to China, this being my life, changing friends constantly, even though I wasn't changing my city became a habit. Normal flow of come and go.

But I do think that having been a tck (I'm 18 now...), having moved, having developed cultural perspective, dealt with prejudice and racismn on daily basis, met people of all different cultures, it's been difficult. But people here there and everywhere are fundamentally the same. I've never felt cultural differences have been so significant when the people have been so similar. And also, having been a tck, especially a tck not just limited to int. schools and being rich, my personality, my ablities behavior and attitude are much better than they would have been otherwise...

i went to high school where people were leaving and coming ALL the time. and then did IB there and about two thirds of the class left and were replaced by new people. but the school itself, the teachers (even thought they left frequently too) and just the place itself, the rules, the dining hall, the classrooms and all stayed the same and that was enough stability that i feel that my teen years were relatively stable, even though i was flying to and from school 6 times a year and my parents moved twice while i was there.

so, don't worry too much, keeping them in the same school is a good thing, even if the students move to and fro a lot.

Even if the individuals who make up the village of the German school change every couple of years (and I know that that is hard), at least the atmosphere and the values are probably mostly the same. Your children miss friends when they move away, but it sounds like the culture is the same. I don't think you need to worry about them too much. (Besides, the international life is wonderful!)

Hilary Clinton said, "It takes a village to raise a child,"
I have never thought about that. I worry about my children.Even though we don't move country, the whole''village'' they have at the german school moves about every 2 years.People come and go and I find it so difficult. Still, its not time to move to Switzerland..

i feel you priyanka. i have realised that i have become quite a loner, even though ont he outside i am a total extrovert. i love people,l haning out, chatting (can you tell) but i realised that i love my alone time, a lot.

for example 2005 was the first time i ever lived alone, i.e. no room mate, no bf, just me. i LOVED it. and i hardly ever invited people to my flat. it was like my own private space where i was just allowed to be me in all my weirdness and in this space it was completely normal. where i didn't have to explain anything. but thinking back, maybe i was a bit too isolated, you know?

http://www.bratsourjourneyhome.com/

Califpoppy - be sure to post your comments on Donna's website! She is a great gal...and would love to hear from you. And yes, "Brats..." is a good movie.
Margie

have any of you seen or heard of Donna Musil's movie "Brats-Our Journey Home"? she made this documentary for all of us who have moved around and lived in different countries. It is mostly about military brats,but it touched my life experiences as well. it is available to buy and I highly recommend it.melissa

Well said priyanka, I think remembering we're not alone is important.

Those random days when everything just seems pointless and you feel detached from everything and everyone happens all too often sometimes. I've never experienced it to such a harmful extent, but enough that I start pushing people away and shutting down. Having a site like this, or even just a facebook group helps - I can't even describe how much it helps. Knowing that there's a valid reason for it, and that you're not being a 'drama queen' is such a relief.

Sorry, wasn't really saying much in this post. Just you're not as alone as you might think.

"Your culture is a non-existent one; a jumble of different ideologies and traditions. "

Actually - we have our own culture (which is why we are called "Third Culture Kids"). I prefer to think that we have our own *tribe*, within which there are different clans (e.g. MKs, Military brats, DipKids, IBKs [International Business Kids], etc.).

Regardless of our parents' careers, we share many of the same (for lack of a better word) issues. We can converse among ourselves and find there is little explanation needed - and much acceptance given.

Warona, I agree with you that the whole TCK thing should be better known, and people who are tcks should be told that they are and that their experience i.e. their feelings and so forth are healthy and normal. What a difference it can make to know that you are normal!

i think it is important to listen to your kids, not just what they say, but observing how they are. not to say every parent will know, but i think it is important parents don't just think the kids can handle all the change, because some kids can't.

i was lucky, i didn't really move during my teen years. i moved between boarding school and home every year, but i only lived between the two. my parents did not move country during that time, so i was able to have my "village" as it were.

boarding school helped me A LOT! most of the students there were tck and it was extremely interational, more so than most international schools. what that did was allow me to live in an environment during those important years where being tck was considered normal. that helped a great deal. i had friends whose parents continued to move while they were at school but let their kids finish in the same school, i found this helped a lot them, because even though technically they were moving, they didn't have to change schools, make new friends etc.

so, like everything else in life, i reckon it is a delicate balance that differs from family to family. it sucks that someone had to have such a negative experience, and this is when i get kind of annoyed that the whole tck phenomenon is not as well known because i think part of the difficulty of it all is having these completely valid feelings but not knowing how to deal with them, not having a name for them.

but like other tcks, mine was majority positive and will always be happier for it.

Note to Sabelzim:

I don't think parents can control their children's outlook as much as they would like to think. Hilary Clinton said, "It takes a village to raise a child," and she was right. It's hard for the child when that village keeps changing, and each new village has different values and customs. It is a really huge issue.

However, don't let that discourage you. While growing up this way has its definite disadvantages, it also has several advantages. Personally, I think it's well worth it. I'd like to raise my own kids in the same way.

I think that moving around has its rewards and drawbacks,as we will all agree. How else would we have so many experiences with new cultures? the schools where I went were international and military,so I had a views of how each behaved. the kids in my dorm in Ankara came from all over the mideast,Africa,Pakistan and other countries. Some of them didn't see their parents except at holidays. We were a pretty good cross section of teens,some good,some bad. In the 60's though,none of us were old enough to drink,and would have been shipped stateside if we did!And we had no access to drugs at all. When I moved ot Bangkok,the scene was quite different. Drugs were readily available everywhere,and the kids were a little freer and more sophisticated than in other places I had been.They had access to cars. A lot of them were their because their fathers were in Viet Nam,and saw them every three months. That was our situation. Without dad there to enforce discipline,some of the kids ran wild. I used ot go out to nightclubs,at 18,and order booze. I didn't,but the opportunity was certainly there. There were stories of wild parties and police being called in. It was far different from living in Turkey. Several kids were arrested for drug possession and sent home,along with their parents. Moving as much as I did made me insecure and prone to panic attacks.I was always the new kid in school,and it was hard to adjust. Some people could deal with the moving,others couldn't. Looking back,it was a great way to grow up and also a hard way. Thanks to the Internet,I have found groups like this one to talk about the experience and found people who understand.

I think a lot of things go together to make it easier or harder for the TCK to cope. My hard time didn't come until I moved to the States as a young adult. I am not at all shocked by your story, though. The teen years are hard for most people, and when you add the TCK lack of belonging in a particular culture, that just makes everything harder.

By the time I was 19, I had changed countries six times, and although it had only been among three different countries, it was not always to the same kind of place within each country -- there is a big difference between rural and urban, for example. So even when I returned to a country where I'd lived before, it was to a different culture than I remembered. I have also been to public schools in two different countries, private schools in two different countries, and homeschool. (The best was homeschool because then I didn't have to deal with an entirely new school system each time we moved.)

After a few difficult and confused years in the States, I finally figured out where I belong. It is in my family -- wherever they might be. No matter if my parents, my brother and I might be each on a different continent -- we still have a sense of belonging together and understand each other. We've been through the same experiences and we share the same culture, which is our own. No matter where I go and what I do, my brother will have the same shared knowledge, outlook and customs that go together to make a culture. Once I figured out my place within something like a cultural framework, I felt free to be my own crazy self.

sabelzim, I think what's important to note is that they moved when they were relatively little. The teenagers in HK were just that, teenagers. When your identity is already being questioned at that age, moving excessively between 12 and 18 years old can be very, very hard.

HK was filled with TCKs, whereas there are other international schools that have a majority of international students, without really being TCKs (i.e., have only moved two or three times during their childhood). I don't know where you went, Jeff, but I think in TCK schools it is the norm, only because I've come across a few other TCKs who went to similar environments and who had similar experiences.

Parents have some say, I'm sure, in how their children will develop, but if it's a poisonous academic environment, I don't see how they could protect them entirely.

this is an interesting topic.... and it's an issue all TCKs must face at some point. But I don't think it's the norm. I hope that won't stop sabelzem or other people reading this to raise kids overseas, I'm a TCK and I have no regrets.

I totally agree 100% that its sometimes very hard for 3rd culture kids with all the moving and many kids are messed up.... oh yea don't get me started on boarding schools.. another time

I'm really sorry for what you've experienced and gone through. It must've been extremely shocking to have been in that group in Hong Kong....

"Your culture is a non-existent one; a jumble of different ideologies and traditions. "

I think scattered experiences can lead to confusion, and often to depression. Making sense of our experiences, and uniting all the pieces as a whole, instead of dividing them, can bring a lot of comfort. It's (almost) like being bilingual, and juggling with different cultures and languages.

I remember reading a rather startling study on BBC that showed that "diversity makes people unhappy". The study found that people who lived in multi-culturally diverse neighborhood were more unhappy than those who lived in racially or cultural 'sameness'. But how do you define 'sameness'? The argument was that 'cultural differences' are misunderstood, and that can bring suspicion, isolation, and even hatred towards others. Instead of celebrating differences, we should celebrate unity (despite our differences). They've given the sports example, where different cultures play together in a team. In our case, as TCKs, the problem is when we're isolated and unable to make sense of those 'differences' and scattered experiences. The truth is we aren't alone, and it is possible to connect those disconnected experiences.


I do agree that parents have a big influence on the effects of transition, and can either make things better or worse...

I think one of the biggest things we must do as an adult TCKs is to deal with the grief. We all travel with things we lost, familiar faces, cultures and languages. Not coming to terms with the losses can often bring resentment for this experience, which is usually directed at our parents. That's a lot of emotional baggage. We need to let go of that, and make peace with our parents.

Personally, I do feel like I belong somewhere. Sure, I may not belong to any particular cultural group, but once you stay in one place and with a group of people long enough, you do end up belonging there. And for me, that's with friends and family. I create your own little culture among them.

Hey over there, I'm really schocked to see the impact the extensive moving can have on children. Still I believe as parent you have an tremendous influence on the well being of your kids. We as woman experience the same and so we should be able to support our kids in their grief saying good bye to their friends. It can be tiresome but it's also a challenge.
We only moved our kids from Germany (as infants)to Hongkong and in the age of 8 and 10 we moved to Thailand. The only thing our older daughter faces now is the culture shock back in Europe. I never expected that this can be that big issue.

sabelzim